Can't cope anymore.

[Headwreck]

I keep telling myself 'it's just my obsession' but the memory I'm playing back is a real one (I know this happened) of me sitting next to this guy, so how can I label that as OCD?

I've tried sitting reading, listening to music, playing video games, going out for a walk, everything to try and remove the focus but nothing works. The only escape is sleep, and I think that's why my anxiety drops at night because I know I'll be going to bed and be released for a while. It just doesn't stop. Maybe I kissed this guy but why do I have to think about it constantly? Why can't it leave me alone?

The only option here seems to be leaving my partner so that he's aware of the truth and so I can stop worrying about it. But it's not as straightforward as me going to live with parents and him doing the same etc. He has nobody but me and no money and says he will kill himself because he has nothing to live for anyway. To be honest I'd probably do the same anyway as my life is garbage too.

I feel trapped, literally trapped. Bombarded with horrible emotions and feelings all due to my own selfish choices ie this night out, with no means of escape.

Edited July 15, 2018 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

I understand the aim is to allow this to die of apathy but if you truly believed you did something wrong, and you had been in a situation whereby it may well have done so that is some form of evidence that it probably did, how can you just continue living while ignoring this knowledge? 

I feel terrible constantly whether I'm actively thinking about it or not. I ruminate, I feel bad, I don't ruminate, I feel bad, I let the anxiety sit, I feel bad and it doesn't decrease at all. I am sat there for hours and hours with no let up. I'm anxious every single day no matter what I do. I'm left with very little option here now as I can't continue to live with this on my back.

It's probably fraudulent of me to post here as I don't think that I have OCD per se. The length of time and amount of time worried about this (9 months every day) is very obsessive, yes. But that's about it.

Edited July 15, 2018 by Headwreck

[hedvig]

Seriously Headwreck, so everyone who has made a mistake in life for example cheated, deserves to kill themselves or at least punish themselves relentlessly every day until they die? Look. I haven’t told you but my obsessional fear of cheating on my current partner is because I have cheated on a previous boyfriend who also cheated on me. The fact that I had done it made me believe that I was fully capable of doing it again even though the circumstances were completely different in my new relationship. It took me a long time to forgive myself. So you think I didn’t deserve to move on from this? Who can live up to those standards? The human race would be extinct by now.

[Headwreck]

I am punishing myself because why should I be able to live happily as though nothing has happened while my partner is unaware? It is driving me mental. I don't want to wake up anymore.

It feels like there is a massive black mark against my name in the relationship and it's just not clean or right anymore.

I don't think I have been honest with everyone here either as there are some things I have missed out. For example last year, I was worried the girl who's house we were in on the night would turn up at my house and say something had happened. When we moved house I was glad as she didn't know where I lived so she couldn't turn up and say that - she is known for causing trouble. So why would I worry about this if nothing happened? I spoke to her a few months ago to see if anything happened on the night out and she said nothing did as they were in the next room so they'd know. I guess this changes the whole thing now.

Edited July 15, 2018 by Headwreck

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

I am sorry Headwreck, but nothing we say at this point will relief this, nobody can come here and give you proof that you haven't cheated on your partner. If you don't know there is no chance that we do. The only thing which happens now is that the relief from "evidence" are getting shorter and shorter. Isn't that the case? I am not saying that your will think your way out of this because you won't but look at how long you have ruminated about this and try to see if you have figured it out yet. And then ask youself how it would be possible to do it now. 
 

You take all those memories and all your knowledge and sit with it. I wouldn't advice you to sit with it, walk with it or run with it. Sorry but it's the only way out. I think that a reasonable goal in your position is to not involve on a hourly basis, try not to ruminate for 30 minutes (maybe shorter?) then try another period. 

Edited July 15, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[Headwreck]

I'm sorry I know it's repetitive. I just don't know where to turn.

[Headwreck]

Even when I don't ruminate, the thought and knowledge and feelings are still there. Nothing seems to work so it leaves me thinking that this isn't OCD related.

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

It is hard for people without OCD to really understand how it feels. That feeling that you need to investigate it and do it NOW is hard to understand if you haven't had it. I am sorry that you feel that you have to investigate this. 

 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

2 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Even when I don't ruminate, the thought and knowledge and feelings are still there. Nothing seems to work so it leaves me thinking that this isn't OCD related.

It could be that you are in one of those bad periods, where it is active pretty much all the day, and you feel panicking, that is why i am advicing you to use resonable goals or else it will probably fail. One investigation which you could do instead of your current one is to try to see how you are feeling when you are getting advices on the topic, when you publish your questions here. I have a hard time believing that you feel like the issue resolves, but maybe you get an inklig of relief. 

I am sorry that your brain have involved you in this nightmarish "investigation".

[Headwreck]

Thank you for the responses. 

I don't know what more anyone can do or say on here but you have all given me a lot of time and support which I'm thankful for. I'm finished. 

Edited July 15, 2018 by Headwreck

[hedvig]

I know how it feels Headwreck, I really do. I really think you would benefit from more cognitive work to change the ideas of good and bad, black or white, either or. Can you see your GP again? Maybe apply for CBT? You were seeing a private therapist before, right? 

42 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

t feels like there is a massive black mark against my name in the relationship and it's just not clean or right anymore.

This is/was to the point how I felt with my husband. It really isn’t healthy. I bet you even if you’d break up with your current partner, this would continue to haunt you unless you decide to really let go of it. Make it your life goal to become your own best friend. Would you treat your best friend like this? 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

No it seems to be that way, i guess that is why it is so very effective. No matter what evidence you get presented you keep on doubting. It never stops. Atleast not as long as you feed it. 

I am telling you like i am telling myself when it hits, you have to try to go against all your feelings. Without the feelings you wouldn't sit here doubting. 

Edited July 15, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[hedvig]

54 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

I don't think I have been honest with everyone here either as there are some things I have missed out.

I don’t feel I’ve been dishonest for not telling about my past. We are not obligated to reveal everything about ourselves. I just wanted to share it with you to make you see that you wouldn’t punish someone else as hard as you punish yourself. I certainly don’t think you have to declare every little detail or thought you feel is evidence of something happening that evening. This doesn’t change anything. 

Edited July 15, 2018 by hedvig

[Headwreck]

5 minutes ago, hedvig said:

I don’t feel I’ve been dishonest for not telling about my past. We are not obligated to reveal everything about ourselves. I just wanted to share it with you to make you see that you wouldn’t punish someone else as hard as you punish yourself. I certainly don’t think you have to declare every little detail or thought you feel is evidence of something happening that evening. This doesn’t change anything. 

Sorry I didn't mean it to sound like I was insinuating that you had been dishonest as I didn't think that, I meant that I had because I didn't disclose everything so I'm making this seem more like OCD than it probably is.

[St Mike]

Headwreck, you have got to realise that you are trying to chisel away at 30 year's worth of OCD with a small mallet and a chisel made of soft bronze.

You haven't even implemented changes to how you think and perceive your intrusive thoughts or given them enough time to take effect.

As Roy often say, OCD recovery is a marathon, not a sprint.

Recovery is not a painless experience either which is why some sufferers rather keep doing compulsions rather than face their fears.

Please bear that in mind. Pick yourself up when you fail and try again. We are here for you but you have to start taking on advice given and push through the anxiety and guilt.

 

[Headwreck]

34 minutes ago, hedvig said:

I know how it feels Headwreck, I really do. I really think you would benefit from more cognitive work to change the ideas of good and bad, black or white, either or. Can you see your GP again? Maybe apply for CBT? You were seeing a private therapist before, right? 

This is/was to the point how I felt with my husband. It really isn’t healthy. I bet you even if you’d break up with your current partner, this would continue to haunt you unless you decide to really let go of it. Make it your life goal to become your own best friend. Would you treat your best friend like this? 

I can't afford the therapy as it is too expensive, so I'm stuck. I don't think the therapy was doing much anyway, granted I was not functioning at first but a few weeks into the therapy and I still felt terrible but could get through the day. Also my therapist kept telling me I had done nothing as there was no evidence and I think this is not the correct approach?

I just don't know anymore. It changes around, different things will worry me each day. It's hard to label as OCD as all memories I have are real and would be a possible lead up to the things that worry me. I do not have any memory of kiss or sex at all, only of things I'd consider a lead up to it. And no evidence from person in question to say it happened.

Edited July 15, 2018 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

5 minutes ago, St Mike said:

Headwreck, you have got to realise that you are trying to chisel away at 30 year's worth of OCD with a small mallet and a chisel made of soft bronze.

You haven't even implemented changes to how you think and perceive your intrusive thoughts or given them enough time to take effect.

As Roy often say, OCD recovery is a marathon, not a sprint.

Recovery is not a painless experience either which is why some sufferers rather keep doing compulsions rather than face their fears.

Please bear that in mind. Pick yourself up when you fail and try again. We are here for you but you have to start taking on advice given and push through the anxiety and guilt.

 

I'm sorry I know I'm doing everyone's head in but no matter what I try it's not helping and I wake up in the same predicament the next day. Over and over. I'm tired of it now and I sometimes wonder if people who have killed others or done other horrible crimes feel as bad as I do. I know I've not done as bad as those people but I feel the guilt and pain i feel is equal to their crimes.

I try to think differently but the memories I have would suggest something could have gone on. These are not false, so maybe it's real event OCD in the sense that I'm being ravaged by guilt now.

Edited July 15, 2018 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

I feel terrible because I keep coming here complaining and going on and on and I know nobody here can do anymore than they've already suggested.

But this won't leave me alone, it's constant, every minute and when it's not this for a few minutes it will be something else worrying me until it's back to this. I want a break, if I have cheated then ok but do I have to think about it all the time for years on end? Do people do that when they've done that sort of thing? 

Part of me thinks I have confused this all too much by reading into OCD etc as now I'm extremely hyperaware of what I think and feel and why I'm thinking and feeling things. It's as though I'm trying to follow a guide of how to be OCD and I don't know if it's on purpose or not. I know this doesn't make sense to anybody hence why I feel completely isolated.

[hedvig]

It’s not true what you’re saying doesn’t make sense. It totally does! You’re making assumptions and they are always to your disadvantage. 

You’re right in that I think your previous therapist maybe didn’t have the right approach if he or she kept saying you had done nothing and it worked as reassurance for you. Whether you did something or not really doesn’t matter at this point as all reassurance you get that you didn’t do anything will only keep you stuck. You need to decide that despite not knowing you are set on recovering. Because you deserve it. I also first had a therapist who kept giving reassurance session after session but my revovery started when I met my second therapist. That’s why I mean that maybe you can book an appointment with your GP and say you need to apply for CBT? So you’d get financial help with it.

And yes, people with OCD might punish themselves for ages for mistakes and real events (for example cheating) but that doesn’t mean it is right.

[hedvig]

55 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Sorry I didn't mean it to sound like I was insinuating that you had been dishonest as I didn't think that, I meant that I had because I didn't disclose everything so I'm making this seem more like OCD than it probably is.

See, again you’ve got different rules for yourself than for others. You are being way, way too hard on yourself. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

40 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

I feel terrible because I keep coming here complaining and going on and on and I know nobody here can do anymore than they've already suggested.

But this won't leave me alone, it's constant, every minute and when it's not this for a few minutes it will be something else worrying me until it's back to this. I want a break, if I have cheated then ok but do I have to think about it all the time for years on end? Do people do that when they've done that sort of thing? 

Part of me thinks I have confused this all too much by reading into OCD etc as now I'm extremely hyperaware of what I think and feel and why I'm thinking and feeling things. It's as though I'm trying to follow a guide of how to be OCD and I don't know if it's on purpose or not. I know this doesn't make sense to anybody hence why I feel completely isolated.

You are probably right. Just because you have the knowledge doesn't mean anything will change. The OCD will not lay down and die because you know its trick, not even if you know everything about it. Feelings vs facts.

[Headwreck]

35 minutes ago, hedvig said:

It’s not true what you’re saying doesn’t make sense. It totally does! You’re making assumptions and they are always to your disadvantage. 

You’re right in that I think your previous therapist maybe didn’t have the right approach if he or she kept saying you had done nothing and it worked as reassurance for you. Whether you did something or not really doesn’t matter at this point as all reassurance you get that you didn’t do anything will only keep you stuck. You need to decide that despite not knowing you are set on recovering. Because you deserve it. I also first had a therapist who kept giving reassurance session after session but my revovery started when I met my second therapist. That’s why I mean that maybe you can book an appointment with your GP and say you need to apply for CBT? So you’d get financial help with it.

And yes, people with OCD might punish themselves for ages for mistakes and real events (for example cheating) but that doesn’t mean it is right.

The thing is, the reassuring from the therapist didn't actually reassure at all, it got me more upset because I didn't believe it and because I'm rational enough to know that nobody can tell me what did and didn't happen because they were not there. I always said nothing happened until this all started but I guess I never thought about it properly to realise that and lied to myself instead.

I don't know what anyone here or I can do about this really. I can only apologise for wasting everyone's time constantly but thank you all for the advice, albeit wasted on me. I don't know how I've lived with this for so long before now. Think I will go back to bed and try to sleep until I go back to work tomorrow.

Edited July 15, 2018 by Headwreck

[hedvig]

Oh hun I really don’t feel like you’re wasting my time. Try to do something nice for yourself even if it feels like you don’t deserve it. Look at yourself in the mirror. Isn’t this person that you see someone who really tries? Who is caring and who offers support and love to others? Who deserves love and compassion in return? 

Edited July 15, 2018 by hedvig

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

The thing is, the reassuring from the therapist didn't actually reassure at all, it got me more upset because I didn't believe it and because I'm rational enough to know that nobody can tell me what did and didn't happen because they were not there. I always said nothing happened until this all started but I guess I never thought about it properly to realise that and lied to myself instead.

I don't know what anyone here or I can do about this really. I can only apologise for wasting everyone's time constantly but thank you all for the advice, albeit wasted on me. I don't know how I've lived with this for so long before now. Think I will go back to bed and try to sleep until I go back to work tomorrow.

I think you do know but it is frightening, because you feels like it is so very important. When it comes to the therapist. As you say yourself, we can't know what happened, and nobody should tell you that they do. I also think that it could be that you don't have to read more about it, you need a therapist who gives you task on how you should do the exposures. 

You and I wouldn't have wasted 20 years to this disorder if it wasn't effective.

Edited July 15, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[Headwreck]

@hedvig unfortunately I can't visit the GP just now about this, I have something really important I'm waiting on a result for and if I bring this up with a GP then it will destroy any chances I had. And I can't afford therapy right now so I'm stuck either way. I think most of my problem is depression as I'm extremely unhappy with how my life is anyway irrespective of this. 

@OCDhavenobrain therapy isn't an option for me due to finances, I had already been doing it for six months anyway and every session seemed to be the same. I don't feel as though ERP is required for me I think cognitive work is what I need but he never seemed to do that.

I think I'm abusing this forum if I'm honest and possibly detracting from others who need and will use the advice they're given. Is there a way for my account to be frozen or a way for my account to be altered so that I am able to visit but unable to post? I can't help but come on here because I'm entirely alone outside of this site but it's not fair to keep doing what I am doing. 

 

 

Edited July 15, 2018 by Headwreck