Feeling like a monster

[lynx65]

Dear Friends, 

This board is my last lifeline when things just get too much and I appreciate it so much that some of you guys read my endless rants and help me continue my life. So thanks for bearing with me. I already feel ashamed that I post this stuff on here as I know how taxing it is for others to read... 

in the past I've had the whole barrage of obsessions over what I am afraid is the longest period of 15 years now. To name a few it all started with Homosexual OCD (HOCD) which lasted a few years moving further to fearing to become schizophrenic/psychotic, solipsism OCD , various health obsessions and the list goes on... Many therapists already diagnosed me with OCD but I seem to believe that I don't have OCD and all of this is just part of who I am. 
the one that seems to be upsetting me the most and that is largely "unresolved" is POCD - fear of being a ped... I don't even want to spell it out as it makes me anxiety spike instantly. 

Somehow this obsession came right after HOCD and stuck around over the years with periods where I was dealing with it quite well and it wasn't bother me too much. In these periods other obsessions become acute and I mostly deal with one obsession at a time. Still POCD seems to be different from HOCD. While I was obsessing about being gay for years I was convinced that I am gay at the time but since the obsession lifted I know now for sure that i am not gay not even bi or anything in that direction. With POCD this seems harder because it is about females and I am attracted to females just hopefully not underaged ones. Before the whole HOCD and POCD thing I had a very strong and normal attraction to adult girls and never had any thoughts about kids or being gay.

So I came out of a very bad period of panic and extreme anxiety in the last weeks and during my weakest moment I was visiting friends and their 7 year old daughter was around while her parents were busy and I was outside in the yard with her alone for a while. She was playing around and I was sitting there minding my own business reading some stuff on my phone. While she was around I already felt that my fear was building up because I knew I was alone and I could lose control and possibly do something inappropriate and I started ruminating about If i am attracted to her. Of course nothing happened, i didn't even touch her. 

All i wanted was her to leave and her dad to show up so I could reduce my exposure to these thoughts at the same time I didn't just get up and walked away because I wasn't going to give in to the OCD (you know that feeling when you know that you are going to spiral down into OCD) but I knew that I was going to obsess about it once I went home and boy I did. It quickly morphed into the terrifying idea that I must have done something to her and that my memory lapsed so I started reconstructing every minute of that period I was with her alone but I still don't get full certainty that I didn't do anything no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I am innocent and that all of this is in my head...

It's been a week since it all got triggered with POCD and I can't seem to get over the "false memory" or fear that I did something to that little girl. My rational brain knows that I didn't even touch her but the fear/emotional side of the brain seems to insist on telling me otherwise and I am falling deeper and deeper into the obsession by horrendous reasoning that looks a bit like this: 

- What if I did something and I can't remember and I damaged the child forever without even knowing. I need to confess to the police.

- Once I confess they will investigate and ask the child if she remembers if I did something or touched her and since she is young she won't be able to remember or would even tell them that I did something because kids don't always tell the truth or can be pressured to say something that is not true

- The cops will arrest me and hold me on grounds of my confession and if the child is not able to remember or the cops don't believe her if she tells them that nothing happened they will lock me up regardless because I confessed and they won't be able to understand that OCD caused me to confess.

- I have no way of knowing if I really did something to her or not because I can't remember (or i am repressing it) and she is a child and won't be able to remember so I can never know for sure if I molested a child and I won't be able to continue living normally with that fear of having done something like that

- The cops will knock on my door and arrest me for molesting the child and since I am psychologically weak I will kill myself in prison and that will be the end of everything.

- I can't be trusted around kids because there is now knowing if I might do something because I am a predator

- I am only afraid of admitting to myself that I am a Pedo because I fear the consequences of Law enforcement and that If there was no punishment for being a Pedo I would be living it openly and would probably would have never married my wife...

I could continue this list for another 4 pages but that won't really change anything. In the end all of this makes me feel like a monster that doesn't deserve to live and that I belong in prison so I am seeing the world through a very dark and depressing lense since this all came down crashing on me and I don't know where to turn and how I can ever respect myself and feel like I am a clean, guiltfree and deserving human being and that I won't end up taking my life. I am looking up prisons and country laws, lawyers and preparing for the worst, worrying that I won't be able to handle the pressure without confessing and ending up in prison for basically doing nothing at all.... how realistic is this? Seriously.. I hate my brain....

In short: I could really use some reassurance and calming words about this and how I can deal with the intensity of the feelings and fears in regards to the obsession. 


Thanks for listening you guys are my Heroes and in the past I circled around for many weeks until I posted here and somehow after posting and getting some of your opinions I often manage to slowly calm down and slip out of the obsession just that this one feels like a bit too much and that I won't be able to get over it.. but don't they all feel that way? I don't know anymore...

[cookiemonster]

The fact you are logging it on this forum should tell you it’s part of ocd and not an actual event. Best wishes

[Zazoo]

You know the thoughts are not realistic or rational so take a step back, breathe and get on with life.  Also if you get the urge to research, just don't, it only feeds the obsession and will make things worse.  Take care.  

[lynx65]

Even though I know what you are writing is true and I should not be so stupid to fall into the same trap over and over again I can't get myself past the fear that I ruined my life for some thing that I didn't do??? How the hell do I thinks this way? That's unbelievable... 

 

I think it's mostly because of the looming threat of being arrested and jailed for what I didn't do? Especially because in my country jails are almost surely a death sentence with pedo crimes. How can I deescalate this situations in my head? 

[lynx65]

My mind is going absolutely crazy. Usually my obsessions don't feel that intense. Looking up prison sentences and legal procedure regarding the issue made it flare up like never before. I feel so hopeless. 

 

Maybe a few comforting and supportive words would help. Thanks so much

[Headwreck]

Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy? Something to move your mind away from this that isn't indulging in compulsions? It will feel forced right now but I'm sure you agree that your brain is overheating and could do with a break from this for a little while.

[lynx65]

I would seem impossible right now, I agree but mostly I feel like I don't deserve a break.. Do you know what I mean? Guilt is so strong and I'm convinced that I'm going to jail for something I didn't do and that confessing to the police will make them lock me up regardless as they won't be able to get a straight answer from the child.. 

[Zazoo]

1.  You haven't done anything illegal whatsoever.  

2.  Having a bad thought does not make you a criminal or deserved to be put in jail.  

3.  Feeling guilty is a natural part of having bad thoughts so its important to try and recognize its just part of OCD. 

4.  Remember that any person can think the same thought, how we react to it is what differentiates us from others.  

Cheers mate.  

[PolarBear]

What you need to do is step back and realize that you have been doing compulsions likely constantly since you were in the yard with the girl. Looking up legal stuff and pridon sentences is a compulsion and it only made things worse. Stop doing that.

You likely ruminate a lot over this. It is a tough compulsion to syop but you need to work on it.

[neurosies]

If you can't remember this event, it means it didn't happen. A real ped would remember and be obsessing about it in the opposite way you are... rather than fearing it, they would be enjoying it. You have OCD. People with OCD are less likely to do things like molesting children MORE than regular people /because/ they are so disgusted by these acts... I've read that in several books.

You are okay. Please try to let this go.

On a side note, I also can't type out the full word because it gives me major anxiety. I'm glad I'm not alone in this... all the people with POCD I've read about obsessively look up ped rather than avoid the word.

[lynx65]

On 24/07/2018 at 16:39, neurosies said:

If you can't remember this event, it means it didn't happen. A real ped would remember and be obsessing about it in the opposite way you are... rather than fearing it, they would be enjoying it. You have OCD. People with OCD are less likely to do things like molesting children MORE than regular people /because/ they are so disgusted by these acts... I've read that in several books.

You are okay. Please try to let this go.

On a side note, I also can't type out the full word because it gives me major anxiety. I'm glad I'm not alone in this... all the people with POCD I've read about obsessively look up ped rather than avoid the word.

Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words. I was doing a little better 2 days ago and I thought it would be a good idea to look up some stuff on POCD again to knock the obsession away and be done with (sounds familiar?) it did quite the opposite...

I found a post on some forum of a guy that is convinced that he has OCD but his ped feelings are not part of it so he claimed that his ped feelings are real and he must be a ped. People on that forum were writing in a way that made me very anxious because unlike here they were saying that he needs to find a therapist to keep him from offending and manage his attraction to children. Of course this send my anxiety through the roof and I am doing very badly as a result of this today... I am so frustrated because I am just not sure if I have POCD or if there are in fact feelings for children in that way and that I am just trying very hard to force this or blame it on ocd when infact i am a ped... :( :( I don't know if that sounds familiar to you but the feelings feel so real. I even tried looking up images of girls in swimsuits and measure my reaction to them asking myself If I would fall in love with a little girl and if I am reacting sexually. I would not look up real pedo stuff because I am terrified that when I do it will become obvious to me that i am a ped, also it is illegal.. Many write that they are straight up disgusted by the ped thoughts and I don't seem to react so strongly, I would not chose the word disgusted and so I am worried about why I am not so strongly put off by the thought and worry that it means that I am a ped. 

I mean I've had almost every classig pure-o obsession under the sun. Starting from HOCD down to worries that i might have accidentally hurt someone without noticing etc. but the POCD seems to be always latent in the background and in the 10 or so years I've been dealing with POCD on and off I was never able to really stop checking my attraction to little girls so this worries me a lot. I had phases where I was not bothered by POCD and it was not an active obsession but the "spike" is always there when i see a  little girl on a beach or wearing a short skirt. With HOCD I was convinced that i am gay and during that time I would have these spikes of anxiety as soon as I saw an attractive man but since i got over HOCD i don't even check or react to seeing a good looking guy. it is completely gone. Why is it not like that with POCD when I am not actively obsessing about it I still get the urge to check somehow. I take this as proof that i am infact a ped because if i wasn't the checking or initial thought should not be there and I should simply not even notice little girls in that way. It should follow suite along with my reaction after being free from HOCD. 

I would greatly appreciate it if anyone could explain this because this seems to trigger my pocd over and over again over the years. 

Thank you so much for your support! 

[neurosies]

7 minutes ago, lynx65 said:

Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words. I was doing a little better 2 days ago and I thought it would be a good idea to look up some stuff on POCD again to knock the obsession away and be done with (sounds familiar?) it did quite the opposite...

I found a post on some forum of a guy that is convinced that he has OCD but his ped feelings are not part of it so he claimed that his ped feelings are real and he must be a ped. People on that forum were writing in a way that made me very anxious because unlike here they were saying that he needs to find a therapist to keep him from offending and manage his attraction to children. Of course this send my anxiety through the roof and I am doing very badly as a result of this today... I am so frustrated because I am just not sure if I have POCD or if there are in fact feelings for children in that way and that I am just trying very hard to force this or blame it on ocd when infact i am a ped... I don't know if that sounds familiar to you but the feelings feel so real. I even tried looking up images of girls in swimsuits and measure my reaction to them asking myself If I would fall in love with a little girl and if I am reacting sexually. I would not look up real pedo stuff because I am terrified that when I do it will become obvious to me that i am a ped, also it is illegal.. Many write that they are straight up disgusted by the ped thoughts and I don't seem to react so strongly, I would not chose the word disgusted and so I am worried about why I am not so strongly put off by the thought and worry that it means that I am a ped. 

I mean I've had almost every classig pure-o obsession under the sun. Starting from HOCD down to worries that i might have accidentally hurt someone without noticing etc. but the POCD seems to be always latent in the background and in the 10 or so years I've been dealing with POCD on and off I was never able to really stop checking my attraction to little girls so this worries me a lot. I had phases where I was not bothered by POCD and it was not an active obsession but the "spike" is always there when i see a  little girl on a beach or wearing a short skirt. With HOCD I was convinced that i am gay and during that time I would have these spikes of anxiety as soon as I saw an attractive man but since i got over HOCD i don't even check or react to seeing a good looking guy. it is completely gone. Why is it not like that with POCD when I am not actively obsessing about it I still get the urge to check somehow. I take this as proof that i am infact a ped because if i wasn't the checking or initial thought should not be there and I should simply not even notice little girls in that way. It should follow suite along with my reaction after being free from HOCD. 

I would greatly appreciate it if anyone could explain this because this seems to trigger my pocd over and over again over the years. 

Thank you so much for your support! 

Trust me when I say that you clearly have POCD and are not a ped. Rumination is a classic sign of OCD, and you're doing just that. So is checking. Actual peds aren't scared of their urges and don't need to check whether they have them because they know that they do. I am not pulling this information out of my butt, it is just clear to me based on what I know about peds.

You are wondering whether the fact that you're checking means you're a ped... it means the exact opposite. You're not a ped. 

You're not alone. What you read would definitely scare the poop out of me too, but remember that not everyone is as educated on OCD as people here are. Those responders on the forum likely just didn't empathize with him, or understand what POCD is. They possibly didn't realize that fearing you might be a ped is a classic symptom of POCD.

Are you talking to a therapist about your POCD? They could likely help you more than I could. I wish I knew how to stop checking and being triggered, but I don't, unfortunately for me  

You recognize that this is likely pure-o. Listen to that thought. Try to stop checking, it isn't helping.

I'm wishing you all the best, and am sorry to hear that you're doing worse. You deserve better. 

[lynx65]

1 hour ago, neurosies said:

Trust me when I say that you clearly have POCD and are not a ped. Rumination is a classic sign of OCD, and you're doing just that. So is checking. Actual peds aren't scared of their urges and don't need to check whether they have them because they know that they do. I am not pulling this information out of my butt, it is just clear to me based on what I know about peds.

You are wondering whether the fact that you're checking means you're a ped... it means the exact opposite. You're not a ped. 

You're not alone. What you read would definitely scare the poop out of me too, but remember that not everyone is as educated on OCD as people here are. Those responders on the forum likely just didn't empathize with him, or understand what POCD is. They possibly didn't realize that fearing you might be a ped is a classic symptom of POCD.

Are you talking to a therapist about your POCD? They could likely help you more than I could. I wish I knew how to stop checking and being triggered, but I don't, unfortunately for me  

You recognize that this is likely pure-o. Listen to that thought. Try to stop checking, it isn't helping.

I'm wishing you all the best, and am sorry to hear that you're doing worse. You deserve better. 

You're a tremendous help because I feel extremely isolated at the moment. I can't talk to anyone about it because it's an unspeakable topic. I do have a therapist I meet once in while and I spoke to him last week about pocd. His opinion is that it's ocd and he's not worried that I'm a pedo because he knows me for many years and has been through countless obsessions before. Somehow ocd is now twisting everything. It's telling me that since I didn't talk to him about it before it means that I was comfortable with it and I'm a pedo for not feeling bad about it before if that makes any sense. 

I feel like I'm in denial about it because I do notice certain traits of pre teens, sometimes their long legs and slender bodies, cute faces strike me somehow I just don't know if it's sexual, or if I'm sexualizing it or if I'm a pedo. Why else do I get such a strong response? Must be because I notice it as sexy and I'm terrified of having to admit to myself that I am indeed a ped. Do people with pocd notice differences between little girls and some spike them more than others? 

[PolarBear]

First, stop going to that other website. It is common for sufferers with pedophile obsessions to research pedophile websites to check if it sounds like they could be a pedophile. The checking is a compulsion and no good will come from it.

Your mind will come up with all sorts of reasons why you must be a pedophile. These are obsessions and continue because you do compulsions. 

[lynx65]

1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

First, stop going to that other website. It is common for sufferers with pedophile obsessions to research pedophile websites to check if it sounds like they could be a pedophile. The checking is a compulsion and no good will come from it.

Your mind will come up with all sorts of reasons why you must be a pedophile. These are obsessions and continue because you do compulsions. 

I agree and I know better. I just got myself in a very dark place by looking at prison sentences, conditions and suicide rates in prisons for sexual offenders. I feel like my memory might have lapsed and that I might have done something horrible and that I will be arrested soon. I want to confess to a crime I didn't commit and I'm worried that they will lock me up as the legal system here is quite backward and unsophisticated.. Is that also part of pocd? I'm looking up legal literature for hours and my anxiety is going through the roof. What would be the sensible thing to do polar? I already feel like a criminal.. 

 

[changemynametosomething]

Dont know if this is going to make sense, or if i will reach you in any way saing this, but..

the goal. there must be an end-game somewhere, an ending, you want to get to the bottom of it, to figure something out. To get answers. To find an end.

there is no such thing. So you must go the other way. The end game should be something else. The goal is to let it be, right? It may seem impossible right now, but your ONLY choise is to go the other way. To choose to stop doing the checking. 

I know its easy for me to say. Its not my ocd-theme. And therfore i see your situation with clear eyes. My eyes are not blurred with anxiety on this, therefore i can say this. 

Your situation right now is impossible, because you are going TOWARDS the problems, not away from it. Your desire to «figure it out» is damaging the way you should go.

so therfore: you should not figure it out. The goal is to do nothing with it.

Im sick at the moment so i know i write a bit weird right now, and my english is not that good. But anyways, you know what i mean.

peace, do something right today, at least try. Babysteps.

[neurosies]

15 hours ago, lynx65 said:

You're a tremendous help because I feel extremely isolated at the moment. I can't talk to anyone about it because it's an unspeakable topic. I do have a therapist I meet once in while and I spoke to him last week about pocd. His opinion is that it's ocd and he's not worried that I'm a pedo because he knows me for many years and has been through countless obsessions before. Somehow ocd is now twisting everything. It's telling me that since I didn't talk to him about it before it means that I was comfortable with it and I'm a pedo for not feeling bad about it before if that makes any sense. 

I feel like I'm in denial about it because I do notice certain traits of pre teens, sometimes their long legs and slender bodies, cute faces strike me somehow I just don't know if it's sexual, or if I'm sexualizing it or if I'm a pedo. Why else do I get such a strong response? Must be because I notice it as sexy and I'm terrified of having to admit to myself that I am indeed a ped. Do people with pocd notice differences between little girls and some spike them more than others? 

I'm glad I can help! Your therapist sounds wise, he sees what everyone else sees, which is that this is clearly another manifestation of OCD. 

That I don't really know about because preteens and teens aren't the age group my OCD is spiked by :/ all kids look the same to me, haha. None spike my OCD more than others. But I doubt your thoughts are abnormal. If you're not getting turned on by them, you're not a pedophile. Kids at any age are cute (in a non sexual way) and it's okay to notice that. 

Anyway, I don't think you're afraid to admit to yourself that you're a ped, you're actually looking for evidence that you are one. That means you're not in denial about anything. 

Try to listen to people who are looking at your situation objectively. You're stuck in your mind so you can't see the truth of your OCD. 1) you haven't done anything illegal 2) kids don't turn you on 3) you're repulsed by your intrusive thoughts. All pieces of evidence that you're not a ped. 

[neurosies]

12 hours ago, lynx65 said:

I agree and I know better. I just got myself in a very dark place by looking at prison sentences, conditions and suicide rates in prisons for sexual offenders. I feel like my memory might have lapsed and that I might have done something horrible and that I will be arrested soon. I want to confess to a crime I didn't commit and I'm worried that they will lock me up as the legal system here is quite backward and unsophisticated.. Is that also part of pocd? I'm looking up legal literature for hours and my anxiety is going through the roof. What would be the sensible thing to do polar? I already feel like a criminal.. 

 

Okay I know this isn't my conversation, but I just want to say that this actually is a common POCD compulsion that I've seen countless other sufferers engage in. You need to try to resist the urge to research. 

[njb]

On 26/07/2018 at 11:26, ocdishell said:

Dont know if this is going to make sense, or if i will reach you in any way saing this, but..

the goal. there must be an end-game somewhere, an ending, you want to get to the bottom of it, to figure something out. To get answers. To find an end.

there is no such thing. So you must go the other way. The end game should be something else. The goal is to let it be, right? It may seem impossible right now, but your ONLY choise is to go the other way. To choose to stop doing the checking. 

I know its easy for me to say. Its not my ocd-theme. And therfore i see your situation with clear eyes. My eyes are not blurred with anxiety on this, therefore i can say this. 

Your situation right now is impossible, because you are going TOWARDS the problems, not away from it. Your desire to «figure it out» is damaging the way you should go.

so therfore: you should not figure it out. The goal is to do nothing with it.

Im sick at the moment so i know i write a bit weird right now, and my english is not that good. But anyways, you know what i mean.

peace, do something right today, at least try. Babysteps.

Love your quote of endgame. It's so spot on. We all go the wrong way at times.

 

[njb]

I can relate. I've done all the research and more trying to find some evidence only to find more anguish. You have to cease all googling. You'll read 10 reports and find one sentence of bad and bang you're off again. It's ocd. Same as all others. Paedophile obsession is one of mine and I can tell you it's ultimately same as any other ocd obsession and treatable the same way.

Yes you have a whole load of research to look at with this theme and can learn verbatim every aspect but that way lies madness as it's not relevant. I guarantee i can recit like a professor of paedo (would be funny if not tragic). So look, youve got ocd. Distract. Distract and reflect. You're obsessive about being a paedophile and it's your anxiety disorder doing it not some hidden sexual desire.

From a sufferer of same theme.

Njb

 

Edited July 29, 2018 by njb

[Guest]

I also have Homo Erotic OCD. I feel that I think about ****. To be honest, I think that watching porn is only make it worse. Because every time after I watch porn my mind becomes preoccupied with the dick that I saw in the video. I can think about it the whole day and have thoughts to myself that is a beautiful dick.

 

But I don't know, at the same time I feel afraid that this is really who I am. And every time that I watch porno I just reinforcing who I really am. I mean I know I'm not gay but I have suspicion that I am Bi-sexual. But the problem is that I feel that after I watched this videos on the porn website, I will have now to go and suck someone dick just to take it out of my mind or because I will enjoy it. And the thing is that I have a fear that if I will not do it, it will probably sabbotage my life and when I will get marry it will be just a matter of time until I will feel that I am not able anymore to be with my future wife, just because I watched those porn videos and I didn't act on those thoughts and go to suck some dick.

 

Also, I feel that if I will have a girlfriend now for example, I will need to break up with her sometime, for example even after two years because I will not be able to hold it on anymore, the craving of me to dick.