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lonely mum

Oil marks?

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13 hours ago, lonely mum said:

No I don’t always realise that it’s ocd.  Not when I can ‘see’ it.  

1. Just because you can see something doesn't mean its what your fear claims it to be.  A while back I was dealing with health anxiety, specifically having a heart attack.  I'd start to worry anytime I had a sensation of pain anywhere in my torso.  The sensations were real, I experienced actual pain.  But it wasn't a heart attack.  Just because you see/feel/hear something does not mean its what you fear it to be.  Another example, this time non-OCD.  When I first moved to Tokyo I was living in a small apartment building.  One evening in the first week I was there I felt what I thought was a small earthquake.  Not hugely surprising, small earthquakes are fairly common in Japan.  It happened again later that week.  Thats odd I thought.  Then it happened again another evening.  I couldn't find any information online about these earthquakes I was feeling.  I mean the shaking was definitely real, I knew that, but it wasn't extreme and it wasn't coming from earthquakes, so what could it be?  Then it hit me.  The building I lived in was practically on top of a subway station.  What I was feeling was probably the subway trains.  Again, I experienced something real, but it was not what I originally thought it might be.  This happens all the time in life.  You need to accept that just because you "see" something does NOT mean its what your OCD tells you to fear it is.

2. On the remote chance the substance you are seeing IS somehow a sperm stain, so what?  Its a little gross I suppose, but its not nearly worth the amount of anxiety and stress you are putting yourself through by engaging in this compulsive behaviors.  I want to emphasize I think the odds of it actually being what you fear it is are astronomically small, especially multiple times, the series of events and behaviors that would have to happen are just not realistic, but even in the remote chance its true, wash the underwear and be done with it.  its recommended  you wash new clothes anyway, so no big deal.  You need to stop checking them, thats a compulsion and its only making your situation worse (just like Polar Bear says in the above post).  The sooner you start tackling these compulsions, the sooner you'll be able to gain control back of your life from OCD.

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This is very nicely put by Dksea. 

Underpinning the various triggers and resultant threats and fears of our OCD will lie an OCD core belief. 

This might be that we can get pregnant from waste sperm lying around. 

That we have hit someone whilst driving. 

That we didn't lock our front door when we left therefore we have been burgled. 

That if we step on a crack between paving stones, something bad will happen.

That we have committed a crime and should confess to police. 

The "risk" we fear is just too great to ignore, so it consumes us for longer and longer periods and we carry out compulsions (compulsive)  including avoidance to mitigate our distress (disorder). 

We are locked in a seemingly endless cycle of distress. 

Are any of these threats real? This is how CBT works. In it we identify the OCD core belief, resultant compulsions and the nature of the disorder. 

Then we pick it apart, challenge the core belief, cut out the compulsions and eliminate the disorder through exposure and response prevention. 

We may not cure our OCD 100%, but we will very likely reduce it to manageable levels. 

But we have to commit to doing the necessary homework. 

 

Edited by taurean

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On 16/12/2018 at 15:40, PolarBear said:

This whole post is a list of compulsions that you did. It started with you checking the newly bought underwear. Nobody does that. They open the packsge and rither wash them once or start wearing them. They don't inspect them. 

Returning them was a compulsion. Washing your hands was a compulsion. Washing the sink was a compulsion.

You need to get real. The men of the world are not masturbating all over everything you see snd touch. It's just not happening. Yes you get thoughts that the end result is true but all those thoughts, every last one of them, are lies. They are not true. 

Your compulsions are completely unnecessary and are in fact making your situation worse. You are stuck because you do compulsions. It's that simple. The reason you get illogical thoughts that there is semen everywhere us because you fo compulsions.

Lol ‘masturbating all over the world’ - that made me laugh.  I think the reason not to want to go out is the ‘dogging’ act - where random people meet up in public places and carry out sexual activities, in public places.  Parks, car park, leasuire centres.  I don’t know why but this scares me, a lot. Then the obvious thoughts of public toilets may have been used, people don’t wash their hands and go around touching everything and marks/stains are traces of it. 

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On 17/12/2018 at 00:18, dksea said:

1. Just because you can see something doesn't mean its what your fear claims it to be.  A while back I was dealing with health anxiety, specifically having a heart attack.  I'd start to worry anytime I had a sensation of pain anywhere in my torso.  The sensations were real, I experienced actual pain.  But it wasn't a heart attack.  Just because you see/feel/hear something does not mean its what you fear it to be.  Another example, this time non-OCD.  When I first moved to Tokyo I was living in a small apartment building.  One evening in the first week I was there I felt what I thought was a small earthquake.  Not hugely surprising, small earthquakes are fairly common in Japan.  It happened again later that week.  Thats odd I thought.  Then it happened again another evening.  I couldn't find any information online about these earthquakes I was feeling.  I mean the shaking was definitely real, I knew that, but it wasn't extreme and it wasn't coming from earthquakes, so what could it be?  Then it hit me.  The building I lived in was practically on top of a subway station.  What I was feeling was probably the subway trains.  Again, I experienced something real, but it was not what I originally thought it might be.  This happens all the time in life.  You need to accept that just because you "see" something does NOT mean its what your OCD tells you to fear it is.

2. On the remote chance the substance you are seeing IS somehow a sperm stain, so what?  Its a little gross I suppose, but its not nearly worth the amount of anxiety and stress you are putting yourself through by engaging in this compulsive behaviors.  I want to emphasize I think the odds of it actually being what you fear it is are astronomically small, especially multiple times, the series of events and behaviors that would have to happen are just not realistic, but even in the remote chance its true, wash the underwear and be done with it.  its recommended  you wash new clothes anyway, so no big deal.  You need to stop checking them, thats a compulsion and its only making your situation worse (just like Polar Bear says in the above post).  The sooner you start tackling these compulsions, the sooner you'll be able to gain control back of your life from OCD.

Thanks for your informative post.  I think I need to think ‘so what?’ and move on but this is the big hurdle for me that I can’t get past.  I’m finding it too gross to just leave it and move on. 

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26 minutes ago, lonely mum said:

but this is the big hurdle for me that I can’t get past.  I’m finding it too gross to just leave it and move on. 

Is it hard to overcome an obsessive thought? Absolutely.  Can it feel impossible to change? Absolutely.  Do you have to change your behavior 100% overnight? No way!

But despite the feeling of impossibility, the reality is you can get past this.  It might take time, it will almost certainly be difficult but it is doable.  Overcoming a large obstacle may seem impossible, but if you break it down in to smaller goals, smaller changes, over time they can make a big difference.  If I ask you to climb 1,000 stairs right now you'd probably tell me its impossible.  If I asked you to climb 10 stairs you'd probably say no big deal.  How about 10 stairs every 30 minutes?  That seems reasonable.  How about 10 stairs every 10 minutes?  A little tougher, but yeah probably ok.  So 10 stairs every 10 minutes.  Thats one stair a minute.  So in 1,000 minutes you've climbed 1,000 stairs.  Granted thats a little over 16 hours, probably not the most fun you could have in a day, but its also probably achievable by most people.  So think about your situation and break it down in to smaller tasks you CAN do that will help you work towards your goal.  For example, the next time you buy new underwear, throw it directly in the washer and wash it.  No matter what happened before now you will know its clean.  That won't solve ALL your anxieties but it will help cut down on some of them.  Small change over time, and before you know it big change will have happened.

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11 minutes ago, dksea said:

Is it hard to overcome an obsessive thought? Absolutely.  Can it feel impossible to change? Absolutely.  Do you have to change your behavior 100% overnight? No way!

But despite the feeling of impossibility, the reality is you can get past this.  It might take time, it will almost certainly be difficult but it is doable.  Overcoming a large obstacle may seem impossible, but if you break it down in to smaller goals, smaller changes, over time they can make a big difference.  If I ask you to climb 1,000 stairs right now you'd probably tell me its impossible.  If I asked you to climb 10 stairs you'd probably say no big deal.  How about 10 stairs every 30 minutes?  That seems reasonable.  How about 10 stairs every 10 minutes?  A little tougher, but yeah probably ok.  So 10 stairs every 10 minutes.  Thats one stair a minute.  So in 1,000 minutes you've climbed 1,000 stairs.  Granted thats a little over 16 hours, probably not the most fun you could have in a day, but its also probably achievable by most people.  So think about your situation and break it down in to smaller tasks you CAN do that will help you work towards your goal.  For example, the next time you buy new underwear, throw it directly in the washer and wash it.  No matter what happened before now you will know its clean.  That won't solve ALL your anxieties but it will help cut down on some of them.  Small change over time, and before you know it big change will have happened.

Actually I need to return the said underwear to the store and I’m already dreading it.  I’d placed it back in its packaging and into a plastic bag which touched my coat.  I’m currently thinking of how will I hold the bag as I don’t want to hold it from the top as it would have touched the underwear pack and also the bag touched my coat.  Now I’m thinking if I can wear the coat or should I just wear another coat? Because if I try to wear the coat I know I will be distressed later and there will follow a load of compulsions and some which I can’t follow through as my husband will be there and he won’t allow me to do them. Dilemma!

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36 minutes ago, lonely mum said:

Actually I need to return the said underwear to the store and I’m already dreading it.  I’d placed it back in its packaging and into a plastic bag which touched my coat.  I’m currently thinking of how will I hold the bag as I don’t want to hold it from the top as it would have touched the underwear pack and also the bag touched my coat.  Now I’m thinking if I can wear the coat or should I just wear another coat? Because if I try to wear the coat I know I will be distressed later and there will follow a load of compulsions and some which I can’t follow through as my husband will be there and he won’t allow me to do them. Dilemma!

You don't need to return it.  You really don't.  You may feel like you do, but the reality is you don't have to.  You don't have to do any of this.  Continuing to engage in compulsions will only feed the OCD, only make it stronger.  You will not stop your problems if you do this, they will happen again and again and again.  You have the power to stop it, and this is an opportunity to take an important first step.  Don't return them.  

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I have a young family to look after.  I can’t cope with dealing with this anxiety and taking care of them.  My son has extra issues and I don’t know how I can cope any other way right now! I also feel like I’d be exposing them to this.  

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So what? It's an irrational fear that is holding you back.

You laughed at my masturbating analogy, well people weren't having random sex on top of the finished underwear at the factory either. There is no risk. It's all make believe. 

If you don't make changes to how you react to the thoughts you will remain stuck. Period. Only it will tend to get worse. That's just straight up reality.

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12 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

So what? It's an irrational fear that is holding you back.

You laughed at my masturbating analogy, well people weren't having random sex on top of the finished underwear at the factory either. There is no risk. It's all make believe. 

If you don't make changes to how you react to the thoughts you will remain stuck. Period. Only it will tend to get worse. That's just straight up reality.

It could be random sex or someone’s used and returned said garment. I really wish I didn’t know  about public places of groups engaging in certain activities.  I feel trapped and unable to go places because of this.  I’m struggling to explain. My city was flagged as having a high rTing for these activities! 

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The last thing I'm going to say tonight is this: If you don't change what you are doing you are doomed to stay stuck where you are. If you are unwilling to change, then no amount of talking here will do any good. It's up to you.

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Absolutely. And you have to stop researching to find statistics like you just quoted. 

We Iove our new hometown of Northampton. But read the local news and we would see the crime details, homelessness stats and could, if obsessing about it, think it a terrible place to live. But the fact is, towns in general have some element of those things - the newspapers are focusing in on them by printing the stories and pictures. 

You aren't helping your family by carrying out "protective" compulsions - you are strengthening your obsessional beliefs and applying more rules to restrict your life. 

Bring a Mum is busy enough without OCD and a child with extra issues - but your way forward is as PolarBear says. Start sorting out the OCD and things will get a whole lot better. 

Edited by taurean

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Thanks for your replies guys.  When I had my fear of urine, I stopped caring when I accepted it as ‘normal’ and  I know I need to just push myself off the edge with this fear of spermicide and all the disgust I find with it, but for some reason I’m finding it was more difficult in ‘normalising’ it.  I know if I just stopped caring, like with urine, it would be more acceptable and the only way urine became normal is when I had to deal with it as a new mum.  My fear of sperm though, I feel I need to protect my children from this ‘dirty thing’ and ‘dirty places’.  It don’t help that I have to take my son to a load of medical appointments and we have to visit so many car parks - I’m not sure if I’m scared of these appointments more or having to go to a car park and catching this contaminant from possible visitors using the area to carry out sexual acts.  It rained today when we were in a car park and after a really long time since my fear or urine, I thought that the sperm has mixed with the rain and gotten into my brand new trainers.  Now I’m scared of wearing them again and had to wash my feet when I got home.

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You are listening to your OCD and not to we here. 

It's time to get real. Those thoughts and fears aren't rational, they are simply OCD. 

We can imagine pretty well anything when under the spell of the illness - even 2+2=5!!!!! 

Ignore the thoughts. They won't go away until you have made CBT progress, but meanwhile don't believe them. 

The compulsions have nothing but a very short term influence and have to go, gradually. 

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1 minute ago, taurean said:

You are listening to your OCD and not to we here. 

It's time to get real. Those thoughts and fears aren't rational, they are simply OCD. 

We can imagine pretty well anything when under the spell of the illness - even 2+2=5!!!!! 

Ignore the thoughts. They won't go away until you have made CBT progress, but meanwhile don't believe them. 

The compulsions have nothing but a very short term influence and have to go, gradually. 

I did try getting professional help (think it was cbt) from the doctor but they did a initial referral to see if it was suitable and have decided that I need to talk about the domestic violence first as the OCD mostly stems from that.  However, it’s been months and I’m still on their waiting list. 

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1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

You need CBT and you can certainly have that in conjunction with any other therapy.

Thanks.  I’ll speak to doctor again but it’s not what I was told! 

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