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Paul92

Need honest help quick

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6 hours ago, malina said:

Hey Paul, 

you did the right thing not telling her. I don't think we need to know her circumstances, she's been in a bad relationship, I'm sure that is devestating. However, you haven't done anything wrong. Think about what you have actually done - you spoke to another woman. That is all you did. Then you panicked and started questioning your intentions. You do sound like a good guy and I really hope things go well for you guys! Hang in there and keep reminding yourself that this is only OCD!

Yeh but at the time I felt like I knew I'd said something with the wrong intention. Immediately I panicked, because I was pretty sure I said it with the wrong thought in my head. I'm not 100% though. But I wouldn't ever say anything with that sort of intention though if I realised. Does that make sense? 

Just struggling how I can look my girlfriend in the eyes. Woke up this morning feeling so terrible. Stomach is turning. 

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Like I keep thinking that I said "I know" with the intention of pulling her boyfriend down with the intention of benefiting myself. Which is why I panicked at the time, I recognised what I had done.

But I don't know 100% for sure. I just remember sort of saying "I know" and then panicking about my intentions behind what I'd said. And I feel it was bad intentions, like I say to benefit myself with her.

I can't see how this can be considered nothing to worry about. I swore Id never hurt her

 

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You will never know. 

One thing I want point out. You are worried you have harmed the relationship. OCD can be detrimental to all social inreraction. Think about it

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4 minutes ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

You will never know. 

One thing I want point out. You are worried you have harmed the relationship. OCD can be detrimental to all social inreraction. Think about it

I'm worried that I have been unfaithful in saying something to her best friend with the wrong intent.

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9 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

I'm worried that I have been unfaithful in saying something to her best friend with the wrong intent.

Well we are/have all (been) worried, thats why we are here

However that was not what I was pointing out. In a perfect world OCD wouldn't impact our lives, but it do. Best case scenario is that you waste your time and you can waste years while having OCD. 

Edited by OCDhavenobrain

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So I'm supposed to carry on like I didn't do anything?

Just wish I knew what thought/intention I had when I said 'I know'. Want to be able to look at my girlfriend in the eye this weekend knowing I've never done anything unfair to her or had an unfair thought about someone else. But I feel as though I did, otherwise I wouldn't have felt that panic.

 

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2 hours ago, Paul92 said:

I'm worried that I have been unfaithful in saying something to her best friend with the wrong intent.

If we move the 'OCD' to one side for 20 seconds and look at this a little more bluntly with logic (which I know OCD doesn't like).   So what if you did say something to someone with the wrong intent, that in itself is called flirting, it doesn't indicate an actual desire or intent to be unfaithful. 

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6 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

So I'm supposed to carry on like I didn't do anything?

Yes, because effectively you didn't. 

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41 minutes ago, Ashley said:

If we move the 'OCD' to one side for 20 seconds and look at this a little more bluntly with logic (which I know OCD doesn't like).   So what if you did say something to someone with the wrong intent, that in itself is called flirting, it doesn't indicate an actual desire or intent to be unfaithful. 

Thanks Ashley. I really like to see you posting on here as you have some phenomenal knowledge of OCD.

Did you read my earlier posts?

It wasn't so much a flirt. She was saying that her boyfriend was lucky to have her in a joking way. I half said, "I know". But what was my thoughts and intentions behind saying it? Did I say it because I thought about being with her friend at that moment? Like I feel as though I said it because I wanted to sort benefit myself with her. I felt IMMEDIATE panic.

My friend says if she did the same thing to her boyfriend because she was feeling **** about her relationship, she wouldn't tell her boyfriend, she'd just think why she did it and learn from it.

But I feel like she needs to know. Imagine if she knew that I had a thought about being with her best mate and that Id said something to try and plant a seed in her friend's head. Not sure how I can get past that. All three of us are really close.

I promised her I would never do anything to hurt her. I have zero desire to do anything with her friend, or with anyone else, I want to be with her.

40 minutes ago, Ashley said:

Yes, because effectively you didn't. 

Just struggling to see how everyone else thinks I've done nothing wrong, like everyones just trying to be nice...

I want to be able to look her in the eye and be honest with her.

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You can tell us as detailed as you thunk you can but it will not satisfy your need of knowledge.

You can move on or not. But be aware that OCD is your problem here, we tell ourself that the things we ruminate about is the problem, we do have problems, everybody does. But our obsessions are not what we should focus on. But I want to tell you that OCD can create problems (you isolate yourself, you stop taking care of yourself and you could eventually get stuck at home) and you should have it as your first priority to overcome it. OCD is really serious if you let it get serious.

 

Edit:. You do everything wrong now. You confess, you analyze and you dwell on it. Polarbear's avice is as good as it gets. There is nothing more we can know. 

Edited by OCDhavenobrain

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Hi Paul,

think about it this way, you decided to post this problem onto an OCD forum. There must be a part of you that recognises that your guilt here is being caused by OCD. I don’t think anyone is telling you to move on in order to be nice. In fact I think it’s sad to see someone struggle as you are over something so insignificant. 

How would you feel if the role was reversed and your girlfriend was in the situation you’re in now? What would you think?

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14 minutes ago, malina said:

Hi Paul,

think about it this way, you decided to post this problem onto an OCD forum. There must be a part of you that recognises that your guilt here is being caused by OCD. I don’t think anyone is telling you to move on in order to be nice. In fact I think it’s sad to see someone struggle as you are over something so insignificant. 

How would you feel if the role was reversed and your girlfriend was in the situation you’re in now? What would you think?

I know I have issues with confessing things in previous relationships. It got ridiculous with one. I had to confess if I found someone in the street attractive.

I can see how silly that is but I don't see this as silly at all. I just bear in mind how she got hurt and how she would feel if I had thought something about her best friend. I start to wonder whether I just actually forgot for a moment and then realised which is why I feel so bad. But then I am not 100% if there was any intention behind it and I had an intrusive thought or something.

I'm working with the same girl today and I keep having to think before I speak and I keep getting thoughts about whether I like her in that way. In recent weeks/months I've never thought anything like that! My mind has been completely on my girlfriend but it is making me question it all.

@malina I'm not sure how I'd feel. Makes my stomach turn to think she might have any interest in anyone else. But if I understood that she felt like I felt, it'd be pretty obvious she wants to be with my and not anyone else.

 

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I'm going to have to tell her aren't I? To clean to slate. I don't even know for certain what I did. I was talking to one of my mates and they said 'only you know what I meant'. It just feels like I said it like I meant something by it which is why I panicked straight away. She deserves to know doesn't she? I feel really sick. 

I just want to talk to someone. My friends don't understand. 

Why did I do it? 

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This is not helping you.

You have nothing to tell her. Confessing would be a compulsion

You have to trust us on this. This is all OCD.

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3 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

This is not helping you.

You have nothing to tell her. Confessing would be a compulsion

You have to trust us on this. This is all OCD.

Can you just break it down to me how it is OCD?

How can I live with myself?

One of my other mates says it doesnt matter. He just says who do you like and who are you with. I said clearly my girlfriend. But I feel like I had a weird moment... and Im not even 100% that I did.

I had this in my last relationship and I didnt confess but it just stayed with me for ages and made my life hell, so this will just be the same. It doesnt get better

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You had an intrusive thought that you might have done something wrong. That distressed you. In response you did compulsions, including ruminating and writing out the same thing here numerous times. You are considering confessing, another compulsion. You are doubtful; you can't be sure one way or the other. Everyone who hears the story tells you its minor.

This is 100% OCD. There is no doubt of that.

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@PolarBear But what if I DID do what I fear and then just realised what I'd said? Why is it insignificant if I actually did what I fear? How can I look her in the eye? What makes it okay to move on like I didnt do anything? Promise Im not being aggressive, just genuine questions, PolarBear.

Yes, I do keep replaying it in my head. Sometimes I think I was thinking back to when we talked about how he gets away with murder, and then other times I am certain like I said it to pull her boyfriend down for my own benefit. If I did the latter, I can't live with myself and I can't really explain it other than just forgetting my new circumstances and some part of my brain latching on to her kindness and friendliness she shows me.

Did I just make a weird mistake? Like a lapse in concentration?

But if I was fully thinking and aware of everything, I wouldn't ever say anything Id consider unfair to my GF, ever. Clearly. Just worried she would never believe me that I am absolutely telling the truth and I could understand that.

Edited by Paul92

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We've already told you that no matter what you were thinking or what your intent, it was MINOR. Insignificant. Completely and utterly. Nothing there to confess.

The rest of your post is written out rumination. Please don't waste your time trying to convince us you are bad or did something majorly wrong. We know orherwise and you won't convince us.

I have helped dozens of people similar to you.

Edited by PolarBear

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It is pretty clear to me that you have moved from a bad place to a very bad place. And thats because you have done a looot of compulsions.

You can still stop it. It is pretty sad really because it is always the same pattern and now do you feel the need to confess to her. None of us knows how she would react. Would it be a big mistake. Huge mistake, but you have done a lot of mistakes last 24 hours. For what? A thought

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@PolarBear Struggling to see right now how it would be considered insignificant to say something with odd intentions to her best friend. My only explanation would be that I genuinely didn't realise what I was doing/thinking, because I would not consciously do it.

@OCDhavenobrain Yes, I do feel a need to confess. But if I did, Id lose one of the best things that has happened to me for years. People say I havent done anything wrong, but if I did what I fear, I dont see how it is insignificant. Its betrayal, its disgusting and I dont deserve her after everything shes been through.

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It is up to you and only you. Only yiu can change this but you could let the stories of others with OCD point you in the right direction. I will not tell you that she will be fine with it and even if she is you wont. You will demand more certainty. And this can go on and on and on. All of this just for the certainty of your wellbeing being thrown out the window.

There is a pattern here, there always is with people with OCD

Edited by OCDhavenobrain

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How can I change it apart from telling her what I think I did so she knows who I am. Just don't see how I can carry on as normal if I did something unfaithful. It's killing me. Never want to hurt her. 

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There is a line as I see it. Either you trust other people who have had it or you don't. I have always stopped myself from not listening to people when they tell me that this is OCD. I am not saying I am that person but you said you respected Ashleys knowledge and he told you to move on.

Not saying it will be easy just because you will do this, it won't. OCD will switch themes and obsessions like crazy before you get recovered BUT if you do not listen to others advices you are totally lost. You really are because then you are only arguing with yourself. SOMEONE who you refuse to not listen to, no matter how hard it is. 

This was something I thought about today and really should give the tips to Phil because I don't know your history, maybe you typically do what I am speaking about but this one obsession is hard and extraordinary to you but my advice stands. Follow someone with knowledge on OCD which you respect and take his/her advices, typically this is a therapist but here are many people (especially here) who can fill that role.

Because like I said, at the end it is you who need to do this hard work and stop yourself from endlessly seeking reassurance. And obsessions will change and themes will switch but as an absolute minimun you have to have a limit to how much reassuranceseeking you let yourself do.

Edited by OCDhavenobrain

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38 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

How can I change it apart from telling her what I think I did so she knows who I am. Just don't see how I can carry on as normal if I did something unfaithful. It's killing me. Never want to hurt her. 

There's nothing to change and nothing to confess.

You've told us a dozen times you don't want to hurt hrr. You don't have to repeat it. Saying it more will not change our minds.

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Sorry. I really am. I'm sick of this. Its just hard when you feel you might have wronged someone you hold so dear. I'd never do it consciously. 

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