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Sorry to be posting yet again. This is a selfish post and I really do apologise for it. 

It's been a couple of days since my family member died. I've been doing everything I can to be there for my family because like I said they were quite close of them, acting as parental figures for some of their lives. I posted about how because I didn't cry I felt like I must be psychologically damaged. I looked up repressed memories because I'm worried that I couldn't think of any memories that I shared with them, and I feel like I can't remember a lot of my life in general. Apparently, you can repress many things without knowing about. This added to the fact it goes between this, my sexual thoughts and being constantly confused about that, not knowing how I feel about other people, feeling as though I have no control over my life, the role of coincidences/everything happening for a reason. It's one big mess. 

(I apologise because this part makes no sense, but it felt really real at the time) 

To be honest, I'm also guilty because at a young age I was terrified of this family member. They were the nicest and most good hearted person; but I used to get really anxious whenever I was around them for a year, maybe two because I was scared it would lead to a natural disaster. I've never really said that before. So I spent some of my childhood avoiding them because I was scared this would happen. I wouldn't put green together with purple, blue or black because I was scared it could trigger this event. It was really bad when I had to do word searches at school and I would think because these colours crossed that the world was going to end. Every time I heard a loud noise whilst at school I would cross my legs, shut my eyes really tightly and cross all my fingers until the noise stopped. I genuinely believed that these things would stop all this from happening. I got over it after a while. Since this has happened I've thought about it. It was weird thing to do and I feel guilty. (I might delete this part because it's inappropriate) 

This as well as my family coming to terms with the loss as it seems as though they were going through a really bad depression at the time. My family are quite judgement about it all. Since the death they've been talking about they should've sought help or told someone, whereas when they say that they acted like a victim even though they had really bad things happen to them. It makes me feel as though I couldn't get help ever again because of the judgement. My family didn't really like me for a long time because of this, so I just keep it quiet. They say things like but they seemed so happy and then the next thing is they would tell everyone how much they hates their lives - so it doesn't add up according to them. I could relate to them. But, then I feel this guilt because I shouldn't be complaining .

Its been really rough this past week. I'm sorry to be posting but I genuinely don't have anyone to talk to about this. 

 

Edited by don't know
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Hi don't know :)

It sounds like you are having a really hard time of it. You sound so confused about everything and you seem to put a lot of pressure on yourself to understand it all and be what everyone needs you to be. You know you can only ever be who you are, and who you are sounds like a loving caring person who has problems. I know that it's hard to see that but it comes through in your post so much.

Try your best not to analyse how you're feeling all the time, it will only confuse you more. Try to not judge your feelings either, take a leap of faith that how you are feeling is normal considering everything you've been through. Also, remember that when you were young you were only doing your best to cope, try to find compassion for the child you were. Life can be hard. 

:hug:

 

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Hi, thanks for the reply, 

Yeah, it's been too much for a very long time. I thought I had broke through it at some point but it just blew up in my face. I don't really see the good in life at this point; there's no reason to. I think some people are lucky and I'm not one of them, neither was this person. 

I've been trying to be better and it's not working. It just seems like everything that I'm worried about is true. I just want to give up really. If I just gave up maybe I could just accept all these things. 

Edited by don't know
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Nope, I stopped going to therapy two years ago because my therapist left and when I was being interviewed for a new one I felt like they didn't believe me. I also felt like was a bit better at the time. 

Edited by don't know
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Have you thought about looking into therapy again? You really sound that like all of us you need someone to listen and support you, a therapist could be that person. 

We've all felt like there's no point in carrying on at some point or other, but there are lots of reasons to fight. You deserve to be happy, so never give up. 

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Hi, I've thought about it but decided against it because I've had a really hard time with it. My first experience with it I was told that I had anxious and depressive tendencies but that's how most teenage girls are. I brought up what I thought to be OCD at the time and they said it couldn't be because they had patients that couldn't last a whole session without washing their hands. They didn't understand why I was so worried about my obsession at the time. 

The second time, I was referred and I was diagnosed with OCD and referred to for CBT. I did a few exercises and the sessions weren't helpful. I had a really good therapist but I just wasn't getting better. My obsession no longer bothers me but it left me nearly housebound, failing school and depressed. My family also couldn't deal with it and my dad didn't believe that I was struggling with OCD - he still doesn't. 

I was referred to another therapist and I just got the feeling the entire time that they thought I wasn't struggling with OCD, especially when I tried to describe it. They said they would see me in six months and I never went back because I thought I was better. 

Now at this point I have no faith that any of this is OCD and I'm going to go in and be told that everything you are dealing with is true and having to live my life in misery (but again, I am anyway) 

I've tried doing other things like focusing more on my education and bettering myself through self-help methods and I just feel like I don't have these things. It's difficult. I really don't see a reason to keep going, I'm sorry but there's really not. 

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13 minutes ago, don't know said:

Now at this point I have no faith that any of this is OCD and I'm going to go in and be told that everything you are dealing with is true

If they say this you don't want therapy off them anyway. A good therapist can help you, but it just sounds like you've had a lot of bad experiences. What was it about the sessions you found unhelpful? 

Have you thought about looking into specialist services like the new one in Oxford (assuming you are in England)?

It really won't help your recovery if your family aren't supportive. Applying therapy involves taking risks, that will be hard if you don't feel secure already. It's also not surprising you have little hope right now, you can't perceive something like a different way of living that doesn't exist yet. You need to make changes as hard as that may be towards a better life for yourself. You have self-help materials, are there any that have stood out, that have helped you in any way.

 

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It's just difficult because I think to myself and I know this is a fear for every single person but it just seems like it's all true, the things that I have listed in the first post. 

The first experience really left me feeling shattered. The second was because I was taught techniques like 'theory A/B' and it just proved that all of this was true rather than anything else which didn't help. I was taught mindfulness and it made me anxious. Sometime my therapist questioned whether some things were OCD or not (sexual obsessions) which made me anxious and felt like I was lying. I then went into a really deep depression so it turned more into talk therapy. I was put on medication which helped with my mood and given OCD self help books; which I felt I couldn't relate to. Again, I want to stress that my therapist was not bad at their job at all! It's just I wasn't getting better. 

I had a look at some specialist areas but I don't have the finances and I don't want to have to do all of this with my family again because it really caused a rift and to them I'm fine anyway. I give them no reason to suspect that I'm not fine anyway. 

Nothing has really helped. I've picked up some books and they go 'accept that it's true' and write out exposure scripts of the worst thing happening and it just freaks me out too much. 

Now, I've just read some bodies obsession come true - can't deal. I didn't get this rush of panic though. I just feel calm so it's probably true that it will happen to me. 

Edited by don't know
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16 minutes ago, don't know said:

It's just difficult because I think to myself and I know this is a fear for every single person but it just seems like it's all true, the things that I have listed in the first post.

I understand, it's really hard. Like you say everyone has this problem, OCD is very convincing. Think about how many compulsions you've done on these issues. Say for example each one doubled the feelings of doubt and worry about them all, do you see how easy it might be to be convinced these worries are true when they aren't. 

 

19 minutes ago, don't know said:

The second was because I was taught techniques like 'theory A/B' and it just proved that all of this was true rather than anything else which didn't help.

I suspect that you were either taught it wrong or you've applied it wrong. Theory A/B is not about proving something is true. Perhaps you wanted it to be that, for some relief naturally, but that's not what it's about. It's about looking for the most likely explanation for your problem. 

 

22 minutes ago, don't know said:

Again, I want to stress that my therapist was not bad at their job at all! It's just I wasn't getting better. 

Perhaps they just weren't a good fit for you. You mention you felt like you were lying sometimes, did you explain that to them. Sometimes it's hard to open up and be honest especially if you are used to being guarded. 

If you are in England you can be funded for referral by your local CCG so you wouldn't have to pay for the therapy. Keep it in mind at least :)

25 minutes ago, don't know said:

Now, I've just read some bodies obsession come true - can't deal. I didn't get this rush of panic though. I just feel calm so it's probably true that it will happen to me.

You're using your feelings as evidence of how things are. Watch out for this. Feelings can easily be manipulated, most importantly by compulsions. 

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It's feels like it's real though because with the sexual ones. I've gone back and looked at that post and the person said that they would advise against assuming you have OCD because he spent 15 years thinking that it was OCD and actually acted on it. He said that denial is so strong that it was actually desires. He convinced himself and I am freaked out right now. Oh my god. How convincing can OCD be that he acted on it and enjoyed it! 

I was taught it on the basis of Theory A was all the reasons why it wasn't OCD and was the truth and the colum ended up being massive. Theory B was the reasons why it could be OCD and maybe there was three reasons, which didn't give me any type of hope. So, it looked like denial was my most likely explaination, which isn't great. 

I'm not really a guarded person though. I am someone that states how I feel constantly, and I've never had any trouble opening up in therapy because I think I'm there there's no point in wasting time. It's just this feeling that I'm constantly lying when it comes to these things though. I didn't explain that just in case they turned around and said actually this isn't OCD. Maybe it's intuition and I'm covering it up. 

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@don't know - First, I'm sorry for your loss and sorry for the struggles you are going through right now.  It is clearly very painful and frustrating.

 

16 hours ago, don't know said:

I looked up repressed memories because I'm worried that I couldn't think of any memories that I shared with them, and I feel like I can't remember a lot of my life in general. Apparently, you can repress many things without knowing about.

Given your situation its probably not a good idea to be researching things like this, particularly areas with as little scientific support as repressed memories.  Human memory is quite limited, its doubtful you could remember most of your life in any kind of detail.  For example, what did you have for breakfast on January 17, 2015.  My guess is you don't remember.  Does that mean you repressed it?  Not at all, we forget a LOT of things in life, our brains are just not designed to have that kind of specific recall for most people.
 

16 hours ago, don't know said:

To be honest, I'm also guilty because at a young age I was terrified of this family member. They were the nicest and most good hearted person; but I used to get really anxious whenever I was around them for a year, maybe two because I was scared it would lead to a natural disaster. I've never really said that before. So I spent some of my childhood avoiding them because I was scared this would happen. I wouldn't put green together with purple, blue or black because I was scared it could trigger this event. It was really bad when I had to do word searches at school and I would think because these colours crossed that the world was going to end. Every time I heard a loud noise whilst at school I would cross my legs, shut my eyes really tightly and cross all my fingers until the noise stopped. I genuinely believed that these things would stop all this from happening. I got over it after a while. Since this has happened I've thought about it. It was weird thing to do and I feel guilty. (I might delete this part because it's inappropriate) 

There is nothing inappropriate about this post at all, in fact its incredibly relevant.  All these behaviors you describe are very very OCD behaviors.  They are a kind of "magical thinking" type of OCD.  Was it a weird thing to do? Compared to most people sure, but for someone with OCD this is not at all abnormal.  I am glad to hear that you no longer suffer from these kind of compulsions, but it further convinces me that your problem is primarily (if not exclusively) OCD.
 

10 hours ago, don't know said:

The first experience really left me feeling shattered.

That is terrible to hear but I can understand how it would make you reluctant to trust a therapist going forward.
 

10 hours ago, don't know said:

The second was because I was taught techniques like 'theory A/B' and it just proved that all of this was true rather than anything else which didn't help.

A/B Theory is an approach that works for some people and some situations, but its not for everyone.  Just because that one didn't work doesn't mean that overall the approach of CBT can't work for you.  CBT is faaaaar more than A/B Theory.
 

11 hours ago, don't know said:

Nothing has really helped. I've picked up some books and they go 'accept that it's true' and write out exposure scripts of the worst thing happening and it just freaks me out too much. 

Radical acceptance is one approach, but it requires you to be willing AND ready to deal with the extreme anxiety.  It sounds like you aren't at that point, which is fair, its a very very hard therapy, but you can approach that kind of treatment more gradually until you are ready/strong enough to confront it.  Its also not the only approach.
 

7 hours ago, don't know said:

I've gone back and looked at that post and the person said that they would advise against assuming you have OCD because he spent 15 years thinking that it was OCD and actually acted on it. He said that denial is so strong that it was actually desires. He convinced himself and I am freaked out right now.

I can absolutely understand why this would cause you to freak out, its a scary thing to consider your worst fears coming true.  But its also not a good idea to take a single instance like this and assume it represents the majority of circumstances.  Consider the lottery for example.  If you ask a person who wins the lottery whether buying a ticket was a good idea, of course they are going to say yes, they won!  But what about all the other people who bought tickets?  The thousands, or millions, or tens of millions of people who won nothing?  Their money was wasted!  Or consider flying.  Obviously plane crashes happen, and they are terrible.  But your odds of dying in a plane crash are incredibly rare, your at a much higher risk driving, and people travel by car all the time, because the overall risk of death there is relatively low there too.  Not impossible, but so low that people do it everyday without a second thought in most cases.  This one person acted on their sexual desires, that means they made a choice.  I'm sure there are others who have made such a choice too.  But for all the people like this person, there are tons more who have thoughts, some of them inappropriate, and never act on them, and never would, because they recognize its just a thought, not even a desire.  A desire is something you WANT to have happen, not just something you think about.  You can think about ANYTHING.  You could, right now, think about murdering your best friend.  Its really not that hard to imagine it, unpleasant, but pretty simple.  Humans are GREAT at imagining things, its one of our biggest strengths.  You can easily imagine all sorts of horrible things if you tried.  But just because you can THINK about something doesn't mean you want to DO that thing.  And even if you want to DO that thing it doesn't mean you WILL do that thing.

I am a straight male, I find women attractive.  I could be walking down the street, see a woman I find attractive and have a thought about being intimate with her.  Not only that, but I could DESIRE to be intimate with her.  I could want it very much.  But there is basically zero chance I am going to walk up to her and force myself on her.  Why?  Because even if I desire to have sex with her, it doesn't mean I am going to make that choice, for any number of reasons.

So a few key points to remember here:

1. Just because a thing is possible doesn't mean you will do it
2. Just because you think about something doesn't mean you want it, desire it
3. Just because you desire something doesn't mean you'll act on it

Your worries ignore all three of these very important, fundamental rules about behavior.  Your worries are basically:  
If its possible, that means it must be true of me.
If I have a thought, it means I want to do it.  
If I want to do it it means eventually I will do it.  
All of them could be false, all of them probably are false, but you keep focusing on the slim possibility that they are true and ignoring everything else.  You need to go back and internalize the key points I mentioned above.  1, 2, 3.  THAT is the mindset you need to follow if you want to break free from this loop.  You can do it, maybe you need some help, and thats what a trained, qualified, CBT knowledgable person can help you do.  Maybe you'll get unlucky and have someone who is a bad fit for you, or is having a bad day, or isn't trained well.  Its possible, but its also possible, and more likely that if you take the time to find someone who is qualified, that they will be able to help you IF you are willing to let them.  Its about more than just listening to them or doing a few exercises.  You have to be willing to change your behavior, to take what you THINK is true and replace it with better, more accurate information.  You CAN get better, but you need to start making some different choices if thats going to happen.

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Hey DK,

I am so sorry to hear about your family member. I think you just need to give yourself a break, people deal with grief in different ways. I've gone through most of my life not feeling anything when something bad happened. All of my grandparents passed away and each time, I felt absolutely nothing. I experienced a traumatic event when I was in school and felt nothing. Yet, our feelings sometimes manifest in different ways and I would often feel the effects of things much later, in ways that I didn't understand and couldn't make a connection. I think we sometimes unconsciously try to protect ourselves from pain and so it seems that we are feeling nothing.

13 hours ago, don't know said:

It's feels like it's real though because with the sexual ones. I've gone back and looked at that post and the person said that they would advise against assuming you have OCD because he spent 15 years thinking that it was OCD and actually acted on it. He said that denial is so strong that it was actually desires. He convinced himself and I am freaked out right now. Oh my god. How convincing can OCD be that he acted on it and enjoyed it! 

This is one example of a single person that this happened to, out of hundreds of people who suffer from OCD and have this sexual theme. Firstly, you read a post on a forum, you don't really know the full story or what else happened in their lives. You don't know anything about this person or whether what they are saying is even true. Now I might be guilty of reassurance here, but if this person claims that he was in denial for so many years and was convincing himself that he didn't like these desires, how do you know he truly enjoyed them after acting on them? Maybe he was completely disgusted with himself and is now convincing himself that he enjoyed it as a way to justify what he did.

You are willing to take this story to heart, over countless others where the fear didn't turn out to be true. This is a very common phenomenon, your are processing information in a biased way here, but you need to be aware of that if you want to get better. 

I honestly think that you need to be careful about reading things on the internet, especially on these kinds of forums. You can't believe everything strangers are writing about. You are more than wiling to debate with us about what we are saying (which is fair!), why not apply that same mentality to these other things you read too?

16 hours ago, don't know said:

It's just difficult because I think to myself and I know this is a fear for every single person but it just seems like it's all true, the things that I have listed in the first post. 

The first experience really left me feeling shattered. The second was because I was taught techniques like 'theory A/B' and it just proved that all of this was true rather than anything else which didn't help.

How did it prove that all this was true? Because your list for it being true was longer than your list for it being untrue? That just reflects your way of thinking, like in every single post you are essentially writing reasons why the fear is true. This is what you think about day in, day out. It shouldn't come as a surprise that the "true" list is long, because you are constantly compiling "evidence" for it being true. The point is that you should work through this list and try to challenge some of these reasons or re-interpret them. The act of making a list doesn't isn't enough, I think the exercise needs that extra step of discussion and thinking about how to challenge some of your ideas. 

18 hours ago, don't know said:

that's how most teenage girls are. I

Did your therapist actually say this? The more I read about your first therapy experience, the more shocked I am, no wonder you mistrust professionals! My first therapist was a complete disaster too. Seeing someone like that can really have negative consequences, but eventually I found someone who was good at their job and understood OCD and they really helped me. 

Edited by malina
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Thank you both for your replies,

In relation to the death, I find myself getting really upset when I see what it's putting my family through and the aftermath of it. It makes me further believe that life is really cruel and there's no real happiness (just from what I've observed in my life) 

In regards to the other forum, it's because he said that he actually enjoyed them and the obsession was laid to rest. That's scary to me because I think how many people go through that and the feared conclusion could be true. I see that if someone was to say 99/100 recovered and it wasn't true but for 1 person it was true I would immediately think I fit into that bracket. I feel as though there is a long list of  things that prove all this to be true. 

Like I watched something recently and it just worried me to be honest. Didn't panic me but just made me feel hopeless. Whenever I think of it it just makes me feel really ill like I'm going to be sick. Therefore my worry is true because there is evidence that makes it true. I don't really see an end. 

The post on the other forum was deleted because people were freaked out by it. He later apologised and said he wasn't in the right frame of mind. It didn't really help me though. Still feeling hopeless and that life is just cruel. I don't really see the point most days, but I then think that it isn't that bad especially seeing what my family are going through right now, I have no right to complain. 

Edited by don't know
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Life can be pretty cruel, you are right. Bad things happen to good people for no reason. The trick is to deal with the good things you have and try to cope with the bad things. Your family are devastated right now and I'm sure they will still miss him as time goes on. Yet, they pain will eventually lessen and they will find pleasure in the things they did before and something good may even happen to make them happy. 

8 hours ago, don't know said:

In regards to the other forum, it's because he said that he actually enjoyed them and the obsession was laid to rest. That's scary to me because I think how many people go through that and the feared conclusion could be true. I see that if someone was to say 99/100 recovered and it wasn't true but for 1 person it was true I would immediately think I fit into that bracket. I feel as though there is a long list of  things that prove all this to be true. 

This is very typical OCD thinking, whenever there is uncertainty, no matter how small, we think we are the ones who are going to be part of that 1% that the bad thing does happen to. The hard part is that, in order to overcome this, you have to accept this uncertainty. There will never be a 100% guarantee of anything, so you have to learn to be satisfied with the 99% and move on. You have to practice and train your mind to think this way, it isn't easy.  You have to put the 1% chance of it being true into the bin alongside all of the other 1% chance things that are likely to happen but you don't care about (winning the lottery, being a victim or a terror attack and so on and on). Accepting this uncertainty is really difficult, but you have to do it. You have to take a leap of faith.

There is something nice that I read recently on this forum, with uncertainty there is indeed risk (the 1% chance something bad will happen), but the biggest risk is you not getting better. So surely it is better to take the risk of ignoring this 1% possibility and getting better rather than fixating on it and allowing this illness (OCD) to take over your life. 

8 hours ago, don't know said:

I feel as though there is a long list of  things that prove all this to be true.

You may feel that way, but it doesn't make it true. You have listed "evidence" in many of your posts on this forum, yet it really hasn't been evidence of anything at all other than you being really distressed and anxious.

8 hours ago, don't know said:

The post on the other forum was deleted because people were freaked out by it. He later apologised and said he wasn't in the right frame of mind. 

This is my point exactly. This is why you shouldn't take what this guy said to heart. It sounds like he has a lot going on mental health wise and you honestly don't know the circumstances beyond the information this guy has provided. You have to be careful because there is a lot of unreliable information out there and if your mind latches onto this 1% idea, then bad information can really cause you a lot of distress. 

Edited by malina
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