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Paul92

Am I just weird?

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Hi everyone,

Not posted in a while. Been through a very dark period in my life which I think - or hope- is largely behind me now. The whole existential thing had me on my knees. I had a couple of months off work and really was at the lowest I'd ever been. I don't want to go into detail in fear of triggering anyone, but I don't feel that things could have been any worse.

More recently, I've had a good few weeks where I've really not been thinking about anything and just living my life, trying to get back on track. It's largely been good.

These last couple of months I've really grown closer to my best friend, who is a she. She's been having relationship issues and has been really depressed, to be honest.

I've done my best to be there for her. Her others friends have seemed to have abandoned her. We've shared some lovely times lately, and I've done everything I can to just make her feel better and let her know she is not alone. I've always told her never to worry about a thing and no matter what, I will be there for her.

I do truly love her more than anyone. She's been there for me when I was at my lowest. She's never judged me and never treated me differently. She's the most genuine person I've ever met and I'm so grateful to have her in my life.

I have to say, and I will be honest here, that in recent weeks I feel as though I have developed some level of romantic feeling towards her. I don't know where it has come from. I guess from spending more time together and just enjoying being around her. I never really looked at her that way before and I am sure she doesn't view me the same way. But I have to be honest, lately, I have developed those feelings a little.

I'm sure it'll pass and probably is just a phase. Either way, I won't ever act on those feelings - I treasure the friendship far too much. I've promised myself to keep my mouth shut.

But obviously my OCD (I think) has latched onto her.

I saw a photo of her the other day with her family. She has a twin brother, who is a handsome guy. Girls talk about him. Girls like him. He was in the photo with her.

I had a really strange thought about whether my friend found her twin brother handsome or even attractive... Like and for a moment I sort of wondered whether maybe she ever thought anything like that. Obviously I thought that's ridiculous and I don't know where it came from really. Then later it came back to me. She sent me a snapchat of her on a holiday and her brother was in the photo, with his shirt off. And the thought came back. Like questioning whether she'd ever had a weird thought about him.

I know it's preposterous. I've met him before and spoke about her brother many many times and never thought anything like this.

But I feel like I've betrayed her. Or it would be something I'd need to confess. Like how weird would she think it if she knew that I'd actually questioned whether she had ever had thoughts about her brother?!

I've been in a right panic about it today and it has even put me off talking to her because I feel like such a freak. I don't really know where it all came from, just my brain being weird. But there is a part of me that feels as though I genuinely asked that question about her... like almost as if a part of me thought "she must have had an occasional weird thought!".

Obvious, she won't have. But I feel like I am sick and twisted for having these thoughts...

It's like my brain forgot they were twins... and just saw him as the attractive guy that all the girls round here swoon after, and her just being another girl.

She's all I have to be honest... have I done her an injustice? Please be honest people.

Edited by Paul92

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Hi Paul 

At risk of reassuring you, what you describe is completely normal. The human brain is a hot bed of random thoughts and musings and wonderings that we'd never tell anyone else. The difference is that people without ocd don't give them a second thought. 

You are free to think whatever - thoughts mean absolutely nothing. If you could have a recording of my thoughts throughout the day you'd hear the most unbelievably random stuff. That's life. It happens to everyone. Sometimes you might think something that makes you cringe or think wtf - but then most people just move on. It doesn't get "stuck in the filter" because they don't have ocd. 

Put this behind you, enjoy your friendship and don't give this another thought. 

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Thanks for your reply. I know what you mean. And for the last few weeks, anything weird that came into my head I'd just be like, well that was weird, and move on. But with this it seems to have gotten stuck. And I keep thinking how disgusted she would be if she knew I'd wondered about something like that.

Like she sent me snapchat saying "lads collecting firewood while I drink wine" or something like that. Her bro has his shirt off and my brain just created a scenario like where she secretly had thoughts about him. And I just can't let it go.

I have moments of clarity and I realise it's all ridiculous but I feel like I have done something unforgivable.

She honestly means the world to me and I know for a fact like it is all a weird fabrication in my head that I can't explain. I just feel like I have betrayed her or something and she is the last person on earth I ever want to betray. I seriously would die for that girl, I adore her. And I mean that in purely a friendship way.

Maybe my brain is just a bit stuck and it will pass eventually, like OCD usually does and I will chalk it up as nonsense. I hope so. If I lose her as a friend then I will be lost.

 

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The only thing 'weird' is the thoughts getting stuck (OCD). The rest is just the brain doing its natural thing. 

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So she messaged me a few times last night when I was asleep saying that she missed me. I think she was a bit drunk haha. 

But my mind is in overdrive today. Like how can I be friends with her after thinking that stuff. I have moments of real panic and disgust. I feel really like hopeless. 

I have moments where I feel like I can just write it off as a weird train of thought. But then I don't know if it is and I feel like I have to understand why I was thinking it and exactly what I thought. 

I mean if I thought to myself that maybe there is a side to her that found her brother attractive at that time or something or like she has some secret thing for him. If I actually thought that then that would be terrible. 

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Hi Paul 

You are massively ruminating right now, trying to figure it all out, and it's keeping the subject front and centre in your mind. The more you go over it, the more doubtful and anxious you will feel - that is guaranteed. You will never get certainty over this, that's just not how it works. The only answer is to park it and leave it alone and allow it to fade. 

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Sorry, it's just hard. I really think like I've done something wrong to her. Like I know it's ridiculous but I why did I have those thoughts? 

I guess I can see its ridiculous and not my real belief, but what if it was for a moment? I feel like I've really done something wrong. 

Trying my best to not think about it but when it pops into my mind my heart sinks. 

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Hi Paul 

I know it's incredibly hard when you're in the trenches. It is so difficult to step back and see it for what it is. Which is why you have to take a leap of faith and trust that you don't know right now - and leave it alone anyway. You are doing a lot of ruminating. Eg: 

6 hours ago, Paul92 said:

why did I have those thoughts? 

 

6 hours ago, Paul92 said:

what if it was for a moment? 

These are classic examples of ocd style ruminating. What if? Why? These are questions you can't possibly answer and the only solution is to stop trying. You will feel enormously anxious at first but if you stop feeding it, it will eventually fade, I promise. But one thing that is guaranteed is that you can't think your way out of it, the more you think about it, wrestle with it, dwell on it, the more doubtful and anxious you will feel. 

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On 13/08/2019 at 03:04, Paul92 said:

But I feel like I've betrayed her. Or it would be something I'd need to confess. Like how weird would she think it if she knew that I'd actually questioned whether she had ever had thoughts about her brother?!

I've been in a right panic about it today and it has even put me off talking to her because I feel like such a freak. I don't really know where it all came from, just my brain being weird. But there is a part of me that feels as though I genuinely asked that question about her... like almost as if a part of me thought "she must have had an occasional weird thought!".

Obvious, she won't have. But I feel like I am sick and twisted for having these thoughts...

It's like my brain forgot they were twins... and just saw him as the attractive guy that all the girls round here swoon after, and her just being another girl.

She's all I have to be honest... have I done her an injustice? Please be honest people.

You had a thought, thats all.  Having a thought is just that. You betray someone with your actions, not your thoughts.

Confession would be a bad idea, it would be bad for you because it would feed your OCD, it might be bad for her because she might not understand where it is coming from (OCD) and be less likely to trust you going forward.  You wouldn't be confessing because its necessary, you'd be confessing to make yourself feel temporarily better.  Don't confess, it would be a selfish act.

Instead, just keep living your life.  If you have the thought again, just notice that you had it and then move on.  The more you focus on it, the more its going to get stuck in your head, the more its likely to keep coming up.  If you want the thought to go away, don't treat it as important.  It was just a thought, it happens, and you can't control all your thoughts.  Its not your responsibility to control every single thought you have.  You only have to control how you respond to thoughts.  Dwelling on this one is the wrong action to take, moving on and treating it as unimportant is the right action to take.  Thats all you have to do, honestly.

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Oh and to answer your original question, are you just weird? No, you are not just weird.  You are weird AND you have OCD.  But then again so am I.  So are all of us.  We are all weird, some of us have OCD, some of us don't.  Being weird is normal 😉

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@dksea Sorry for not getting back to you buddy. Really appreciate you taking the time to write that out to me. I just thought I would give it a couple of days and see how I felt. For sure, it has faded a lot, but I anticipate that something else will pop up eventually.

To be honest, since around Wednesday my old existential worries about free will etc have come back a bit. Just trying to stay occupied and not get involved.I spent all day Thursday just reading about free will and trying to find evidence that we do have it. It was seriously all day. I know that can't be good.

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Maybe you’re projecting your sexual feelings for her onto the brother? Projection is pretty common. 

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