In a huge panic

[CAH_05]

Hi everyone, 

i have been massively triggered the last few days and I am really struggling. I feel sick to my stomach and frozen in fear. 

Basically I suffer with suicide OCD and have done for a number of years. Each time I relapse it feels just as terrifying as the first time. 

ANyway I have a huge fear of becoming depressed and have read on various websites that having suicide ocd and being depressed is a dangerous combination.

i am pregnant at the moment and have been suffering with what I think is mild prenatal depression and this has massively triggered my theme. 

I am so scared that feeling depressed is making me feel actually suicidal and I am terrified. And that having suicidal ocd makes being depressed more dangerous?

please help me

[PolarBear]

The biggest thing you can do is stop Googling and researching. It is a compulsion and is only making you more anxious.

[CAH_05]

Thank you for your response. 

I know that the compulsions need to stop but when I feel so anxious I find that so difficult coz the thoughts feel so real. 

I just feel so terrified that I need some sort of reassurance.

the articles I read where from psychologists so I am so scared that having this theme as well as depression is dangerous 

[malina]

Hey @CAH_05, I'm sorry that you're still feeling so bad. I think PB is right that you really need to stop googling, it's not getting you anywhere.

So what if psychologists have written articles about this? Does that mean that you have to hurt yourself just because somebody else has? I think you need to realise how illogical this is, after all you have agency, if you don't want to harm yourself, why would you, even if you do feel depressed? 

As someone with the same fears as you, I completely empathise and I have to admit that when I read your previous post (where you mentioned these articles you found), I got a bit frightened as well. But I chose not to dwell on it and the reason is simply that we don't know the circumstances of these people who have harmed themselves. Moreover, just because someone else has done something in no way suggests that you or I have to do it. 

I understand that the thoughts feel real, but you're constantly giving in to them and if you do that, they will just keep coming. You need to push back and try to get yourself on the right track. Besides, you think that you are at risk of suicide because of these thoughts but in reality the biggest risk for you is that you will continue feeling the way you are now. OCD makes us think that there is some big danger out there, but the biggest danger is the situation that we are currently stuck in, where we can't live our lives the way we want to because of the disorder.

I don't know if this helps in any way, but I've been having these exact fears about suicide on and off for about 10 years. They mostly stopped but returned last year. No matter how bad the thoughts were, I have never acted on them simply because I want to live. Even though things seemed really dire at a few points in life, I have never come close to wanting to take my life. I've seen about 5 different mental health professionals who know about OCD (3 psychiatrists, a psychologist and a psychiatric nurse) and none of them have ever suggested that I was in any real danger of self harm because of these thoughts. All of them have said the same thing, that people with OCD simply don't act on these thoughts. So were they all lying, given the evidence that you have found on Google? Why would people experienced in this disorder say such things if people with OCD and suicidal intrusive thoughts were really in such grave danger as you describe?

I think you need to understand that the internet is such a wealth of information and that if you search hard enough, you will always find something. Perhaps a number of people with OCD, depression and suicidal thoughts do end up harming themselves, but I'm guessing that they are a small minority given all of the other advice and information provided by mental health professionals. 

[CAH_05]

Thank you for ur reply and I am so sorry that I have spiked you. 

It was just because I feel slightly depressed at the minute so when I read that the mixture of depression and suicide obsessions is dangerous I totally freaked out. I am still freaking out now. 

I know what I need to do it’s just so hard to take that leap of faith and stop the reassurance when I feel so scared. 

I have had the same obsession for about 7 years and have never ever came close to acting. 

I just don’t know how to tackle this at the moment 

do I use distraction and try and keep myself busy?

do I start some exposure by writing out a script and re reading over and over again? 

Do I blow the thoughts up in my mind and think them more intensely without pushing them away?

do I tackle the depressed feelings first with some positive thinking? (Although I feel like this would be reassurance seaking)

[malina]

48 minutes ago, CAH_05 said:

Thank you for ur reply and I am so sorry that I have spiked you. 

No don’t worry about it, it was a good exercise for me as well to practice not freaking out about this kind of information. I think we need to be aware that there are lots of things that can happen but that ultimately we can rely on ourselves and our ability to make rational decisions.

I think that right now you should just try to take a deep breath and relax. The ultimate goal for you, me and everyone with OCD is to be okay with these thoughts and to not have to react to them. So what you need to do is essentially practice doing nothing in response to the thoughts. I know it’s really hard because they have a massive pull and you feel like you need to do something to stop this but just try a couple of times to not do anything. Just say to yourself that it’s okay to have these thoughts and continue to do what you were doing before. My therapist has been teaching me about mindfulness and how the body has a huge impact on our anxiety so when I feel really anxious, instead of trying to make the anxiety stop I’ve been trying to analyse it and understand exactly what I feel, where do the sensations come from, what do they feel like etc. It just teaches you to be comfortable with the anxiety and to also understand that these are just signals from your body that are tricking you into thinking you’re in danger.

also, Are you getting any therapy for this right now?

[CAH_05]

I am trying my best to keep myself busy today and stay off the internet but my anxiety is sky high. 

Is distraction a good tool at this stage? At this point I feel

like I need to do everything in my power to not feel depressed. 

Have u felt depressed when dealing with this theme? 

[malina]

I have felt depressed a number of times and generally been through some very difficult moments in the last few years that were unrelated to OCD but generally made me feel bad and made the thoughts spike. In those moments I had the thoughts but still didn’t actually feel that I wanted to die, it was more like what you’re describing, just feeling panic and fear that I would do something. 
 

I don’t think you should try to do everything in your power not to feel depressed because you will end up focussing on it so much that you’ll just feel more anxious. Staying busy is good, try to engage yourself in things but remember that it is okay to feel depressed. It’s nothing to be frightened of, you’re still in control. Our mood goes up and down and when you’re pregnant and full of hormones, these things happen. Plus the added stress of dealing with OCD is bound to get you down. These feelings are natural and certainly not things people go killing themselves over! So just let it be, if you’re depressed it’s totally fine. Spend some time with your family, watch something you like, go shopping for your new baby, there are so many better things to do than sitting at home and reading about OCD!

[dksea]

First, sorry to hear you are struggling right now.

On 04/11/2019 at 02:31, CAH_05 said:

coz the thoughts feel so real. 

The thing is any thought you have feels real because it IS real.  You had the thought, therefore it's real.  You can't have a "fake" thought.  Either you have a thought or you don't.  BUT having a thought doesn't mean that anything will happen.  It doesn't mean the thing you feared is realistic or likely.  It doesn't change reality.  If I have the thought "I have a million dollars!" no matter how "real" that thought seems/is it doesn't change whether or not I have a fortune.  You can think whatever you want.

But having a lot of money would probably be a good thing, so how about we look at a more negative thought, one that involves fear.  Lets say you are walking in the woods, not a care in the world.  Suddenly you hear a rustle in the bushes.  "Oh no!  What if its a bear!  I'm gonna get eaten!"  Suddenly you feel fear, panic, anxiety.  The idea that you are in danger, that some animal is about to attack you causes your body to react with all sorts of neurochemicals.  Your fight or flight response is kicking in.  Should you run?  Should you freeze.  Should you play dead?  What are you going to do!?  Then, just as you are about to decide, a rabbit hops out of the bush.  That was it.  A rabbit.  There is no bear, there never was.  You felt REAL fear.  You imagined a REAL outcome (getting attacked by a bear).  Your body reacted with REAL chemicals.  But there was never a threat!  You were safe the entire time.

OCD causes us to misinterpret and/or overreact to situations where we might perceive some kind of threat.  It convinces us that even the slightest rustling in the smallest of bushes MUST be a bear!  After all, if its NOT a bear, why would we be scared??  But as I've shown above, you can be scared when there is zero threat present.  Fear is our response to perceived danger, it does not necessarily equate to the actual danger level.

So you can have a REAL thought that causes you distress and fear, but that doesn't mean there is any risk whatsoever.  Part of overcoming OCD is accepting and applying that knowledge to your anxieties.  Just because you feel fear, doesn't mean there is a real threat.

 

[dksea]

10 hours ago, CAH_05 said:

At this point I feel like I need to do everything in my power to not feel depressed. 

This is a very normal reaction to OCD anxiety.  Its something all of us sufferers do.  We feel like we have to fight tooth and nail to NOT feel a certain way, to NOT have a certain thought, etc.

The thing is, depression, or rather feeling sad or down, is totally normal, totally healthy.  No one is happy all the time.  Sometimes you feel crappy.  Maybe its for a specific reason, maybe you just feel a little down.  Thats normal.  You CAN feel depressed and be totally ok.  You CAN feel down or sad and not be a suicide risk.  I would be shocked if anyone going through the significant stress and changes a pregnancy can induce wouldn't feel emotional and sad at times (I mean I can't base that on first person experience, I'm a guy so I'll never get pregnant  ).  The first thing you can do to help yourself is give yourself permission to feel how you feel and realize that having a day where you feel down, stressed, overwhelmed, etc. is perfectly normal and ok.  Its great if you can find ways to help ease your stress or feel better (a nice warm cup of tea while watching a show you enjoy, etc.) but you don't HAVE to do everything in your power not to feel depressed.  Sometimes its best to just let some time pass.  For me that helps, I get down sometimes, and then, after awhile I feel better. 

Like many things depression in excess can be problematic/dangerous.  But there's a long way from "I feel bad today" to "I have clinical depression and need professional help for it".  And even THEN being depressed doesn't mean you will do something against your active will.  As OCD sufferers we often jump straight to the worst case scenario, the worst case outcome.  But keep in mind there are a LOT of different outcomes than the worst case, and those are usually much more likely.  

You SHOULD keep an eye on how you feel and if you notice a trend over time that bothers you talk to your doctor or therapist about it, but also recognize that feeling bad occasional is normal, and going through pregnancy means your hormones are gonna be all over the place and so will your mood.

[CAH_05]

Thank you for your replies.

every inch of my being is wanting me to sit and read on the internet all day until I feel better. I feel a huge need to perform compulsions. But I am resisting.

my ocd is in full force and I am terrified.

i wanted so much to stay off work today and lie on the couch but I have dragged myself into work and I am going to make sure I stay off the internet.

[malina]

22 hours ago, CAH_05 said:

i wanted so much to stay off work today and lie on the couch but I have dragged myself into work and I am going to make sure I stay off the internet.

Good for you! I think the worst you can do is stop doing everyday things (like going to work) and lie around. I think that getting up each day and going about with your life is such a huge part of the battle, you can't let that slip. I hope you're feeling okay today.

[CAH_05]

I feel utterly horrid today and terrified. I was semi successful yesterday trying to cut down compulsions but my anxiety was sky high all day. 

And it feels the same now, I am so scared that I am depressed aswell and that along with suicide ocd is dangerous. I havnt spiked like this in a long time.

another problem I have got now is that not of my compulsions are working at all. Things that would have brought me some form of relief are not doing that at the moment. So I am in a constant state of anxiety.

[CAH_05]

I don’t know if I am suffering depression or I am suffering ocd and therefore dont know the best way to treat this. (I also obsess over if I am doing treatment right)

coz if I do things to treat the depression then that would be reassurance and therefore feeding into the ocd.

if I treat it as ocd and do some exposure work am I putting myself in a dangerous situation