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Cora

Everything I was afraid of...

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Hi, 

I am really sorry for doing this but I give up. I can't continue anymore. I have been running from the truth for the past year but it still got me. I am a paedophile. 

I was waiting to pick up my brother from school yesterday, and I felt real attraction to two children from his class. As we were walking home I felt sexual urges to almost every child on our way. When we finally got home I felt a real strong sexual urge to hurt my brother. Then a video in youtube about a young boy who is probably attracted to children described how he had sexual urges to his siblings appeared in my feed/recommendations. So yeah, everything adds up.

I woke up this morning feeling like a paedophile. I feel repulsed and disgusted by myself but that doesn't change what I am. I want to cry and scream but I just can't do it; I probably just don't care enough. I want to call the GP and tell them the truth but I'm way too scared. 

This morning I also found out that I failed two modules from my uni course (I knew this would happen but I still hoped for better results), and I'm not even worried enough about that. Nothing can make me forget that I am paedophile no matter the urgency and importance of the problem. 

I would apologise but that wouldn't change that I'm being selfish and inconsiderate by starting a new topic and confessing for the nth time. I wouldn't even post here but I have no one else to talk to about this; I would share this with my boyfriend but I can't keep hurting him like this, he doesn't deserve it. 

I'm in terrible pain. I feel like I'm in my worst nightmare. My life has reached an end. I'm sorry. 

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4 minutes ago, Cora said:

Hi, 

I am really sorry for doing this but I give up. I can't continue anymore. I have been running from the truth for the past year but it still got me. I am a paedophile. 

I was waiting to pick up my brother from school yesterday, and I felt real attraction to two children from his class. As we were walking home I felt sexual urges to almost every child on our way. When we finally got home I felt a real strong sexual urge to hurt my brother. Then a video in youtube about a young boy who is probably attracted to children described how he had sexual urges to his siblings appeared in my feed/recommendations. So yeah, everything adds up.

I woke up this morning feeling like a paedophile. I feel repulsed and disgusted by myself but that doesn't change what I am. I want to cry and scream but I just can't do it; I probably just don't care enough. I want to call the GP and tell them the truth but I'm way too scared. 

This morning I also found out that I failed two modules from my uni course (I knew this would happen but I still hoped for better results), and I'm not even worried enough about that. Nothing can make me forget that I am paedophile no matter the urgency and importance of the problem. 

I would apologise but that wouldn't change that I'm being selfish and inconsiderate by starting a new topic and confessing for the nth time. I wouldn't even post here but I have no one else to talk to about this; I would share this with my boyfriend but I can't keep hurting him like this, he doesn't deserve it. 

I'm in terrible pain. I feel like I'm in my worst nightmare. My life has reached an end. I'm sorry. 

Doesn’t make any difference @Cora. Go seek professional help and let them decide. Whether OCD (it is) or paedophilia you need guidance and support. Either way, remember you’ve not actually done anything wrong. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Edited by OxCD

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6 minutes ago, OxCD said:

Doesn’t make any difference @Cora. Go seek professional help and let them decide. Whether OCD (it is) or paedophilia you need guidance and support. Either way, remember you’ve not actually done anything wrong. 🤷🏻‍♂️

I'm so sorry, @OxCD, I know you have the best intentions but your reply made me burst into tears. Hearing from someone else that this is/could be paedophilia hurt me so much. 

Again, I'm sorry. 

 

Edited by Cora

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14 minutes ago, Cora said:

I'm so sorry, @OxCD, I know you have the best intentions but your reply made me burst into tears. Hearing from someone else that this is/could be paedophilia hurt me so much. 

 

I didn’t say it was @Cora. But if it was you’d still want professional help right? In that hypothetical scenario - I’d want help.... Accepting that uncertainty is part of getting better though. You will never know with 100% certainty that you’re not a paedophile (and the more you look for that certainty the worse you will get). You will never know anything with 100% certainty. I don’t like it either but I’m afraid that’s the way the world is. I’d like to be 100% certain I’ve not contaminated my house by brushing against that bin. That no one I love will ever catch anything. But it IS possible I’m afraid. People die from infections.... I have to accept this uncertainty - although the chances are very remote!

Edited by OxCD

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Cora, OxCD is right. You need help. You are sinking lower and you need help to figure out how to dig yourself out. 

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26 minutes ago, OxCD said:

I didn’t say it was @Cora. But if it was you’d still want professional help right? In that hypothetical scenario - I’d want help.... Accepting that uncertainty is part of getting better though. You will never know with 100% certainty that you’re not a paedophile (and the more you look for that certainty the worse you will get). You will never know anything with 100% certainty. I don’t like it either but I’m afraid that’s the way the world is. I’d like to be 100% certain I’ve not contaminated my house by brushing against that bin. That no one I love will ever catch anything. But it IS possible I’m afraid. People die from infections.... I have to accept this uncertainty - although the chances are very remote!

Thank you for your reply, @OxCD. I appreciate it. 

And again, I'm sorry if my reply came off as harsh. 

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1 minute ago, Cora said:

Thank you for your reply, @OxCD. I appreciate it. 

And again, I'm sorry if my reply came off as harsh. 

Don’t worry. I have OCD - I understand. Stop apologising and please get help. 😊

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I'm really, really sorry everyone. Please, don't hate me.

I just watched again the video about the boy who has sexual urges to hurt children, and a couple of minutes later I had an urge to hurt my brother when he touched my shoulder. But the urge felt so, so, so real. It truly felt like I wanted to do something bad. It has never been like this before, and in that moment it felt like I would have no remorse if I acted on it. I'm very scared. My brother is in danger. I want to tell someone, especially my parents so they could protect him from me, but I'm too scared. 

What do I do now? I'm devastated. The urge was a real urge. It was real. 

Edited by Cora

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6 minutes ago, Cora said:

I'm really, really sorry everyone. Please, don't hate me.

I just watched again the video about the boy who has sexual urges to hurt children, and a couple of minutes later I had an urge to hurt my brother when he touched my shoulder. But the urge felt so, so, so real. It truly felt like I wanted to do something bad. It has never been like this before, and in that moment it felt like I would have no remorse if I acted on it. I'm very scared. My brother is in danger. I want to tell someone, especially my parents so they could protect him from me, but I'm too scared. 

What do I do now? I'm devastated. The urge was a real urge. It was real. 

Go relax and speak to your GP tomorrow so you can get help.

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This has to stop, Cora. You are in repetition overdrive mode. 

You just confessed, again. You apologized, again.  You assumed we would be offended, again. You are seeing reassurance, again.

We've explained to you that these are all compulsions. They are causing your problems. Watching the video again was a compulsion.

We get where you are. We understand. Some of us have been there. You are so wrapped up in thoughts and feelings that you can't figure out what's going on. And that is causing you to not listen to us. 

We can't keep giving you reassurance. We know it doesn't help. Things are escalating with you. You've gone from posting about your obsessions once a day to several times a day.

You need help. Talk to a doctor. Get in to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. Let them help you.

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2 minutes ago, OxCD said:

Go relax and speak to your GP tomorrow so you can get help.

Thank you for your reply. But what do I tell them? If I talk to them about the urges, they will take me away from my family. A part of me wants that to happen, but the other part just can't even think of it. 

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Just now, Cora said:

Thank you for your reply. But what do I tell them? If I talk to them about the urges, they will take me away from my family. A part of me wants that to happen, but the other part just can't even think of it. 

They won’t. They’ll recognise OCD - especially the specialists. You need help to get better.

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You don't have to tell them anything. Sufferers in your position always think the worst but that rarely if ever happens.

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13 hours ago, OxCD said:

They won’t. They’ll recognise OCD - especially the specialists. You need help to get better.

 

13 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You don't have to tell them anything. Sufferers in your position always think the worst but that rarely if ever happens.

Thank you, @PolarBear and @OxCD. I will call the surgery next week because I would like to try and speak with someone I've been referred to by the GP first - they are called the Mental Health Integrated Response Hub. They also have a crisis cafe in my town so I will probably go and see them next Tuesday. 

I would like to ask for your help on how to move on from yesterday's terrible urge. I woke up this morning with crippling guilt and shame. I feel like the most miserable human. I am, however, a bit calmer, especially because when I helped my brother get ready and take him to school this morning I had my normal sibling love for him back without any anxiety, urges and disgusting feelings. But, unfortunately, that doesn't change the fact that I still had that terrifying urge. Because of it I am really scared that my fear has been proven to be true - so I am either a paedophile or have weird, disgusting sexual interests, but either way it makes me want to end my life. I can vividly remember the way it came and felt, and I don't know how I can make myself stop thinking about it. I was thinking that maybe it was so strong because it came right after I watched that damn video - while I was watching it I think I imagined what type of urges that boy was feeling, but I'm very unsure about this. 

Thank you.

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34 minutes ago, Cora said:

 

Thank you, @PolarBear and @OxCD. I will call the surgery next week because I would like to try and speak with someone I've been referred to by the GP first - they are called the Mental Health Integrated Response Hub. They also have a crisis cafe in my town so I will probably go and see them next Tuesday. 

I would like to ask for your help on how to move on from yesterday's terrible urge. I woke up this morning with crippling guilt and shame. I feel like the most miserable human. I am, however, a bit calmer, especially because when I helped my brother get ready and take him to school this morning I had my normal sibling love for him back without any anxiety, urges and disgusting feelings. But, unfortunately, that doesn't change the fact that I still had that terrifying urge. Because of it I am really scared that my fear has been proven to be true - so I am either a paedophile or have weird, disgusting sexual interests, but either way it makes me want to end my life. I can vividly remember the way it came and felt, and I don't know how I can make myself stop thinking about it. I was thinking that maybe it was so strong because it came right after I watched that damn video - while I was watching it I think I imagined what type of urges that boy was feeling, but I'm very unsure about this. 

Thank you.

Well done for seeking help. Make sure you do go as we all want you to get better. So that normal calm feeling is what you’ll get back to if you stop your compulsions. Distract yourself until you see professionals. Take care.

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Hello, 

I'm really sorry but I feel like this is the end of all my hopes. I've never felt this bad, ashamed and disgusted before. As unprofessional as this is I didn't even go to work today because I really didn't want people, especially my dearest colleague and boyfriend (we work at the same place), to have to talk to someone like me, I didn't want to 'infect' them with my grossness. I don't want to go to work tomorrow either because, for some reason, Sundays are the hardest for me OCD-wise, but I can't keep doing this, and I can't let my colleague deal with all the jobs by herself. 

I know I've said this before, and I apologise for being so repetitive, but I still don't know how to get over the urge that I had a couple of days ago. It still haunts me! It makes me feel so desperate that I'm starting to find more and more comfort in being suicidal most of the day. I don't know why on earth I had that urge, but it was terrible. I've been on forums for so long but I haven't met anyone yet with a similar experience. Yes, some people with OCD do have urges, but I don't think they are as bad and real as mine, and, in comparison with me, I don't think they wish to act on them.  

I keep having inappropriate feelings and sensations, and they mostly target my brother. But the scariest part is that I don't even care that much anymore. It truly feels that I like and enjoy my thoughts, sensations, urges and anything else that is related to perversion and disturbing sexual things. I'm hurting very much, but I don't know how that can/will change the fact that I'm a paedophile (I'm so used to typing this word out that it feels absolutely normal and familiar). 

I was thinking how to tell my GP, when I have my next appointment with her, that I (finally) came to the conclusion that I am what I am; I've played several scenarios in my head but I don't know how that conversation would go. And, most importantly, how would I talk about this with my parents and boyfriend?! This hurts so much. But I do have to tell them, I do; this lie has to stop, they need to know who they love and care about so they can make an informed decision about whether they still want to keep me in their lives or not. 

I can't describe how immense this pain I'm currently feeling is. But I guess I deserve it. 

I'm really sorry for sounding so miserable, and for keep coming back here with the same old stuff. I hope you're not too angry or frustrated with me, but if you are, I apologise. 

 

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Same old, same old. What do you want from us? I for one am not going to give you much more reassurance. 

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Just now, PolarBear said:

Same old, same old. What do you want from us? I for one am not going to give you much more reassurance. 

I don’t know what else to add. Get help - you’re so wrong about things but can’t see it @Cora. If someone’s ill and you point them to the “cure” and they ignore it, what else can we say. 🤷🏻‍♂️

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I know that nothing else can be added. I just don't know how to live with myself anymore knowing that I'm this miserable and disgusting, and that I've had that terrible urge, among many other terrifying things. Also, I don't know how to deal with the realness with all this mess, and with the feeling that I'm living in a paedogile's body (as weird as this sounds).

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Or... we, who have LOADS of experience and who are completely unfazed by everything you have written, who all have or had OCD, are right. In that case, all your self deprecating behavior is for nothing and you would be much wiser to listen us, because you have NOTHING to lose.

Just a thought.

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2 hours ago, Cora said:

I was thinking how to tell my GP, when I have my next appointment with her, that I (finally) came to the conclusion that I am what I am; I've played several scenarios in my head but I don't know how that conversation would go. And, most importantly, how would I talk about this with my parents and boyfriend?! This hurts so much. But I do have to tell them, I do; this lie has to stop, they need to know who they love and care about so they can make an informed decision about whether they still want to keep me in their lives or not. 

Listen Cora, 

Do tell your doctor, & or psychiatrist, but from past experience I suggest you think very carefully about what you tell others about what rubbish OCD is creating in your mind! I did something similar, & confessed stuff that I needn't have, & it turned out the person I had told was not a nice person after all, & had been discussing this with a number of other people!

Just saying.

   

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Hey Cora,

please, please seek help. I know it's scary telling a stranger all your worst thoughts and I'm also aware that GPs can be very slow to respond and the waiting lists are huge. But you need help and you shouldn't be afraid to push them a little until you get it. You can say as much or as little as you want, that is up to you, the important thing right now is to be proactive and to take some steps to stop this spiral that you're on. And you also need to get some support from your university, you certainly don't have to tell them all your specific thoughts, but I think it might be worth speaking with your personal tutor about support that you can get with exams and assignments now that you are dealing with a mental health issue.

As for your family, I obviously don't know them and can't say how they would react, so this is entirely up to you. I think you previously mentioned that your parents don't have very positive views about therapy and mental health. My family are quite similar, they are not very understanding about mental health or trusting of professionals, yet when I was in trouble they stepped up and they believed me and supported me. So your family may surprise you, BUT this is entirely your call, you know them better than any of us.

And just to note, I don't mean that you should have a confession session to tell your family about all the thoughts on your mind. I mean talking with them about OCD and how you're struggling.

Once again, I'm sending you lots of love Cora, hang in there and know that no matter how dark things seem now, they can get better, you just need to reach out :hug:

Edited by malina

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Thank you everyone! I appreciate that you keep replying to my posts even though I'm getting worse and more annoying.

Thank you for your replies and advice, @felix4 and @PolarBear. I appreciate it! 

@malina, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words, support and advice. You are really kind to me, and, even though I really don't deserve it, I appreciate it very much. 

 

(I'm really sorry as I know that this is a compulsion but I just have to let it all out. I'm also very ashamed to share this but I will feel like a criminal if I don't do it. Also, I'm afraid that what follows will disappoint you and make you change your opinion about me, but I will take the risk. I'm sorry.) 

Last night I was a huge mess. As I was thinking and ruminating about everything that has been going on with me lately I realised that one of the worst things I can do with my mind is to fantasise (in a gross, disgusting way) about my thoughts. I realised that if I let myself, I can easily fantasize about the thoughts thus I can easily equal myself to a paedophile or a person that is attracted to children. I believe I was seconds away from doing it last night; it happened three times in a row. Luckily, I was saved by my boyfriend who called me to see if I was okay. I shared with him what happened which helped me for a bit, but this morning I went beck to feeling miserable and lost.

At this point I'm very scared of what I can do with my mind. A similar thing happened a year ago and I was devastated because I believe I actually carried on with the fantasy.

I know I'm being hypocritical but if this is indeed OCD, can it interfere so badly in someone's life? I personally don't think it can actually go that far. 

Once again, I'm sorry. I hope you don't hate me. 

Edited by Cora

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I want to add that I realise I am in a huge mess at the moment, and I'm sinking lower and lower. I know that I need to change my behaviour. But I don't know where to start from. 

I also realise that this is all my fault. I should have never allowed myself to do such bad things (have urges, thoughts on purpose, terrible fantasies). I should be able to control what I do with my body and mind.  

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19 minutes ago, Cora said:

I want to add that I realise I am in a huge mess at the moment, and I'm sinking lower and lower. I know that I need to change my behaviour. But I don't know where to start from. 

I also realise that this is all my fault. I should have never allowed myself to do such bad things (have urges, thoughts on purpose, terrible fantasies). I should be able to control what I do with my body and mind.  

@Cora You seem lovely but your problem is you don’t listen. You fail to accept you could have got it all wrong and keep coming out with the same stuff. We’ve told you where to start: GP and in the mean time distract yourself. There is no magic wand we can wave - you need to be strong and do something about it yourself. And it is difficult - but you have to start somewhere.

Edited by OxCD

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