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Emmaloowho

I’m stuck!

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So I had a really good weekend and a good day yesterday. I really didn’t do any mental checking/testing in regards to the thoughts about my son. I felt really good as a result. Today I woke up feeling great. Then later in the morning I can’t explain it. It’s like I felt bad for feeling good. So what do I do?  I start the mental checking with the sexual scenarios. Makes me feel like **** and completely unsure. Not to mention I have been having off and on groinal responses for the past month or two. I know they don’t really mean anything, but I find it hard to discount them with they happen with the thoughts. 
 

I know that this basically proves that if I stop engaging with the thoughts that I will start to feel better. But how do I deal with the guilt I then feel when I do fee pretty good, which then leads me to start checking again?

Its very frustrating that I’m doing this to myself. 

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Heh, well, stop doing that to yourself. Guilt in many guises is common with OCD. So is beating yourself up for no reason. 

When you get the thought that you should not enjoy yourself because (insert reason), that is an intrusive thought and csn be dismissed just like your sexual intrusive thoughts. No difference.

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But why do I waver between feeling really pretty good, and then back to doubting and checking? There’s times when I think I may be on the right track, but then my mind says, nope. 
 

Sometimes I just worry that I am a deviant and that I want the thoughts. That I’m just lying to myself and using OCD as an excuse. Even as I type this I wonder if I am being manipulative about my situation. 

Edited by Emmaloowho

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All perfectly normal in an OCD world. 

You didn't think this would be over in a day or two, did you? You're in the battle for your mind. You'll go backwards many times over the coming months.

You get a negative thought that makes you want to hit the compilsions, understand that thought is an obsession and needs to be dismissed and not reacted to. You're allowed to do that.

Your mind will think of devious ways to suck you back in. Be aware. 

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I know I’m seeking reassurance, but do you think this is OCD?  The groinals make everything feel so real, gross and dirty. 

I feel like I’m the one person on here who is legitimately deviant and sick. I feel like a disgusting person. 

Edited by Emmaloowho

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Ugh @PolarBear!!!

Somehow I knew you weren’t going to bite. I’m just scared and the lure to get reassurance is so strong. This sucks so bad. 

Edited by Emmaloowho

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10 hours ago, Emmaloowho said:

But why do I waver between feeling really pretty good, and then back to doubting and checking?

Cause you aren't a robot :)   We don't stay in one state permanently, throughout the day, the week, the year, etc. we are constantly fluctuating based on what we eat, the stress around us, good and bad things that happen, hormonal changes (especially for you ladies), etc.  Sometimes you feel good, sometimes you don't.  No one feels good 100% of the time.  Sure OCD probably makes us feel less good more often than most (at least until we get it under control) but going through periods of feeling ok and not ok is normal for everyone.  OCD can ebb and flow just like we do, there's a lot we don't understand about it or the brain.  Your goal shouldn't be to never have a bad feeling, to never have an unwanted thought, because if thats your goal, you are destined to fail.  Instead aim for being able to handle having a bad feeling, being able to ignore an unwanted thought.  Changing how you respond to OCD is a key part of recovery.

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@dksea 

I am just so scared.  I have one good day where the thoughts seem less important, and then the next day (like today), it is almost impossible to disregard and I am filled with panic because it all seems so real.  I am worried that this isn't OCD.  I realize that this worry in and of itself is common with OCD, but it still doesn't stop the fact that I makes me feel like it might NOT be, and that terrifies me. I feel like I have annoyed people on here because of all my uncertainties, but I just can't help it...I feel so alone.  My husband knows about my worries, but he thinks it is ridiculous and not even worth my time worrying about.  But when I get the images along with the sensations it just becomes so hard to disregard.  I don't know exactly what I am wanting by typing this, just needed to get it out!

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Emmaloowho do you ever tell yourself you have done these things in your thoughts? How do you cope if so?

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Petal - I don’t feel like I HAVE done them, I am scared that I will do them, and it feels very real and scary. I just feel terror that I will lose control and do something. It’s awful. 

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That is common with OCD. Every day, you need to show yourself that you won't do what you fear and that means doing exactly what your mind is telling you not to.

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@PolarBear

When you were in the midst of recovering or working on your OCD, how did you handle it when you got the rush of anxiety that went with a thought or “urge” or sensation?  That is my biggest struggle right now. I have times where it feels so convincing that I will lose control and it scares me. The thing is, I know I will get through it, but in the midst of it I just want to break down and cry because I feel like such a bad person.

Its like my head taunts me and says: maybe you won’t do it now, but maybe tomorrow, or the next time you’re alone with him you will. 
 

That then starts the ruminating and scenarios again because I feel like I have to think about how I would handle the situation in the future. Does that make sense?

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It makes perfect sense. I went through the same thing. I guess part of it with me is that I realized one day, as I went through therapy, that I have the ability to choose.

Before, and even before I understood what a compulsion was, I felt like I had no chouce to ruminate and play all those mind games. But I realized in therapy that I do have a choice. I could choose not to react to the thoughts.

I was hesitant at first. And it didn't work at all. Holding back on my compulsions initially caused my brain to basically scream at me that I must do them. It's at that point that many sufferers back off. They think they can't handle the surge of anxiety.

I took meds to calm down my anxiety. I took and practiced mindfulness. These helped me cope. And I stuck to my guns. Lo and behold, in not too long a time, my mind would scream for me to do compulsions, but the screams were muted. And the longer I held off,  the more muted they became.

Something else happened. You know that initial jolt of anxiety you feel when an intrusive thought strikes that says PAY ATTENTION TO ME! Well, it started to calm down. And soon enough, the intrusive thoughts started subsiding.

After that initial panic attack mind screaming, it became easier and easier to resist. To, in effect, do absolutely nothing about the thoughts.

My OCD started when I was 11. The pedophile thoughts started at 15. I didn't seek help until I was 48. It took about 18 months to vanquish OCD. I went from some days having 100+ obsessions to having maybe one a week. 

It can be done. Overcoming OCD is pretty simple but it can be brutally hard. I won't kid you. If you stick to the rules and practice and practice and be really determined, what waits on the other side is the greatest gift a sufferer can get, a peaceful mind.

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@PolarBear

Thank you so much!  That is really the perspective that I needed to hear. You are so brave to have fought through that and I hope I can do it too!  Thank you for your advice and wisdom. 
 

I think what I am hearing from you is that no matter how loud my OCD screams at me to stop and do my compulsions, I have the choice to resist, and I must be vigilant about choosing not to. It will be incredibly painful at first, but eventually my mind will get used to it and not scream so loud?  And hopefully eventually what once seemed so important, will not be worth my time. I have gotten to this place before with my OCD. I wish I could remember how. But if I did it before, I should be able to do it again. Thanks again!!

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I’ve gone into a panic Questioning self - from emmaloowho response I.e it’s ocd when you fear you’re going to act on the thoughts but what about if you didn’t have a thought At the time but something triggered In your brain from a conversation and you then told yourself you did something terrible?. Causing incredible distress! That’s my first memory of how this started. 

Is it ocd also if you’re telling yourself you have done something terrible - but deep down you know you haven’t! I.E if I was in a court of law I wouldn’t confess to something I hadn’t done so know in my heart the truth and wouldn’t risk throwing my life away... When I’m in full throw I find a time and place when it might have happened, fixate on that time - is that still Ocd? I remember a time...nothing untoward happened when looking after a baby and then I went out with my friends in the Evening. I had this thought come out of nowhere during the evening how can you go out and enjoy yourself Now like nothing has happened after what you’ve done - I’ve focused on this as I remember when, where I was when I had the thought and details of looking after the baby, it’s age at the time, where etc. and feel that I’ve done something bad!!!

I also feel guilt, like I’m hiding something from friends/family.. that doesn’t make sense as I haven’t done the things I’m trying to convince myself of - God I’m so messed up 😢

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Petal, you should really start your own thread because what you wrote is a new topic.

In answer, yes it's OCD. You need only have obsessions, distress and compulsions to have OCD.

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@PolarBear

Why do you think it is that our OCD often makes us feel like we are the ONLY ones that have it as bad as we do?  I have looked at so many other posts on this board, and I can see clearly how others have OCD (even when they think they don’t), but I sometimes feel like I am the one “special” case, or one truly bad person. I see so many other say that too. I am just curious as to your opinion. If it wasn’t so painful, it would be fascinating. 

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Heh, you're right. I'm not really sure. What you said works across themes too. Someone with pedophile thoughts thinks, this is absolutely the worst, I am the only one who feels this way. Yet on an another thread, a sufferer is saying the same thing but about contamination OCD.

It is difficult for a sufferer to see the forest because of the trees. You might notice that our answers and advice are really quite simple. Diagnosing and treating OCD is fairly simple and straightforward but it just seems so damn complicated inside your own head. In there, there are a thousand thoughts and doubts floating around, all competing for attention, and it's hard to accept a simple answer from us among a crowd of thoughts. That's why we regularly hear, yeah but... Yeah but I had this thought... Yeah but this other time what happened was... Yeah, what you say makes sense but I think I'm different.

The French called OCD the doubting disease and for good reason. Look at you. You likely grew up believing yourself to be a good person. Today you doubt that is true. You are probably full of doubts. So it's not a leap to think sufferers will doubt what we say or that our words apply to them.

That's my take.

Edited by PolarBear

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Thanks polarbear!  It’s rough. I am struggling with what I am hoping are false urges right now so that’s something I need to work on I guess. In the moment it just feels so strong and scary. 

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