I don't know if anything can stop me

[PolarBear]

I know it's hard, Cora. You aren't aware of it yet, but you've brought this on yourself, by plain thinking wrong and doing rituals that feed the OCD monster. Just like everyone else that has OCD.

I didn't answer your previous question about desires because frankly you were asking for reassurance. 

The testing you are doing, by sitting beside your brother to see what happens is a compulsion.

We're here to help you but you have to make a commitment to change your thinking and behavior. 

[Cora]

Thank you, @PolarBear. 

I'm currently experiencing something that I find very hard to comprehend - I've been struggling with this for a while, but tonight, for some reason, its intensity is being indescribable.

I mentioned a couple of days ago that there are moments when I have to have intrusive thoughts. I know this makes no sense, but, I promise, it's actually a thing for me.

I don't know if I can explain it, but I'll try my best by giving an example. If I'm on social media and I see a picture of a child (any child), I feel obligated and forced to have disgusting (sometimes way too disgusting) thoughts. I can probably say that I do that as a way of testing, but I'm not fully convinced that's the reason behind it. So you could say I'm having terrible thoughts on purpose.

Tonight I had one of those moments. But I think I crossed the line because my thoughts were some of the nastiest I've ever had (so far). I was trying to stop having the thoughts but I couldn't. I don't know if I felt anything nice from them but I definitely felt something in my groinal area (and not only). 

I'm worried because, as I've said, I don't know why I do this thing and why I can't stop it. Again, I know it's nonsense but I'm not making it up. 

Thank you.  

Edited November 30, 2020 by Cora

[Cora]

30 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @PolarBear. 

I'm currently experiencing something that I find very hard to comprehend - I've been struggling with this for a while, but tonight, for some reason, its intensity is being indescribable.

I mentioned a couple of days ago that there are moments when I have to have intrusive thoughts. I know this makes no sense, but, I promise, it's actually a thing for me.

I don't know if I can explain it, but I'll try my best by giving an example. If I'm on social media and I see a picture of a child (any child), I feel obligated and forced to have disgusting (sometimes way too disgusting) thoughts. I can probably say that I do that as a way of testing, but I'm not fully convinced that's the reason behind it. So you could say I'm having terrible thoughts on purpose.

Tonight I had one of those moments. But I think I crossed the line because my thoughts were some of the nastiest I've ever had (so far). I was trying to stop having the thoughts but I couldn't. I don't know if I felt anything nice from them but I definitely felt something in my groinal area (and not only). 

I'm worried because, as I've said, I don't know why I do this thing and why I can't stop it. Again, I know it's nonsense but I'm not making it up. 

Thank you.  

I realise how weird and confusing I sound so I'm really sorry. 

[PolarBear]

Quit being sorry.

What will it take for you to understand that we all know you have OCD, that this is all OCD, and nothing you say is going to change that?

 

[Cora]

2 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @PolarBear. 

I'm currently experiencing something that I find very hard to comprehend - I've been struggling with this for a while, but tonight, for some reason, its intensity is being indescribable.

I mentioned a couple of days ago that there are moments when I have to have intrusive thoughts. I know this makes no sense, but, I promise, it's actually a thing for me.

I don't know if I can explain it, but I'll try my best by giving an example. If I'm on social media and I see a picture of a child (any child), I feel obligated and forced to have disgusting (sometimes way too disgusting) thoughts. I can probably say that I do that as a way of testing, but I'm not fully convinced that's the reason behind it. So you could say I'm having terrible thoughts on purpose.

Tonight I had one of those moments. But I think I crossed the line because my thoughts were some of the nastiest I've ever had (so far). I was trying to stop having the thoughts but I couldn't. I don't know if I felt anything nice from them but I definitely felt something in my groinal area (and not only). 

I'm worried because, as I've said, I don't know why I do this thing and why I can't stop it. Again, I know it's nonsense but I'm not making it up. 

Thank you.  

I don't want to be mean but I would like to know what to do with this.

I'm having a hard time falling asleep tonight so this means more time for (unnecessary) thinking and ruminating. To keep my mind busy I decided to look through my older pictures - I know, I couldn't be more boring. As soon as I saw a picture of my brother, I had thoughts on purpose, but I'm not sure they were for testing. And they were some really bad thoughts, even scenarios. 

I just can't understand what's going on with me and what all this mess is. I swear, I'm such a creep because I keep having the weirdest "symptoms". And it's not just the above-mentioned; I also have/feel a stupid increase of saliva whenever I have disgusting sexual thoughts (about anything really but mostly children).

I know this is a very bad tactic, but how do I not put myself down when such things happen? 

Edited November 30, 2020 by Cora

[PolarBear]

Because there is a perfectly logical explanation for all your symptoms that doesn't involve you being creepy or disgusting. It's the explanation we have been giving you for months on end. Here it is again:

YOU HAVE OCD.

You have not come to terms with that very simple fact. We have told you repeatedly. We want to help you but you are bound and determined to thwart our efforts. You spend most of your time here trying to convince us that your problem is not OCD  To what end?

You are not going to convince us. You are just wasting time... Time you could be using to start digging yourself out of your current situation.

[Cora]

6 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Because there is a perfectly logical explanation for all your symptoms that doesn't involve you being creepy or disgusting. It's the explanation we have been giving you for months on end. Here it is again:

YOU HAVE OCD.

You have not come to terms with that very simple fact. We have told you repeatedly. We want to help you but you are bound and determined to thwart our efforts. You spend most of your time here trying to convince us that your problem is not OCD  To what end?

You are not going to convince us. You are just wasting time... Time you could be using to start digging yourself out of your current situation.

Thank you, @PolarBear. This gave some confidence and boost. Unfortunately, it got destroyed by what happened less than an hour ago ago. 

As I was helping my brother to get dressed for school, I had a very bad intrusive thought. And unfortunately I gently squeezed his arm as in impulse. I have no idea whatsoever why I did that. But it was an impulse caused by the thought and even though I didn't hurt my brother, I still think I did something bad.

Approximately ten minutes later he (my brother) needed help with his shoelaces. As I was helping him, I was very aware that my body was quite close to his body (especially my head to his private parts). And that's where a terrifying moment happened: I got a terrible, terrible, terrible urge to touch my brother inappropriately. I know I've had urges before. But this one... I literally had to control my body from not acting on it. And the feelings I felt... I felt a very strong groinal response - I'm pretty sure it was an arousal though - that made me feel almost excited and curios about what could happen; I felt like my body would explode if I didn't act on that urge; I felt like I really wanted to do something inappropriate. I got up panicking and not knowing whether I was going to ruin my life in the next couple of seconds.

As if it weren't bad enough that I almost molested my brother, seconds later my brain decided to focus on how his trousers were looking funny around his private area. What did I do? I immediately decided to arrange his trousers so they looked better - I have no idea why. But as I was doing that, the (previous) urge got amplified even more. And there they were again: the feelings of wanting to act on it, the feelings of 'I have to', the feelings of 'it will happen', and so much, much more. 

I'm honestly in a bit of shock. I don't know how to digest what happened. I just don't know anymore... I really don't...

Edited November 30, 2020 by Cora

[Cora]

And now I have thoughts that I should just act on my urges. I agree with them and they seem genuine. I'm lost...

[malina]

13 minutes ago, Cora said:

And now I have thoughts that I should just act on my urges. I agree with them and they seem genuine. I'm lost...

Sorry Cora, but you have to stop freaking out every time you get an urge or a bad thought. Be strong, you can't give in to panic every time! 

[Cora]

4 minutes ago, malina said:

Sorry Cora, but you have to stop freaking out every time you get an urge or a bad thought. Be strong, you can't give in to panic every time! 

I completely agree with you, malina, but this time it was different. I just don't know how to describe it. And then there are these weird impulses. I know I need to stop this but it's just too much. 

[malina]

Just now, Cora said:

I completely agree with you, malina, but this time it was different. I just don't know how to describe it. And then there are these weird impulses. I know I need to stop this but it's just too much. 

No. Cora, listen to me. It is not different. Every single time, you say that you agree and that you will stop, but this one time it is different so you can't. Well, yes, every single time is different, yet it is all part of the same overarching problem. No experience is going to be exactly the same everyday for months, is it? And your reaction every time is exactly the same. It is because of this panic and the subsequent compulsions that new thoughts and urges arise. I'm sorry but this really is like an addition in so many ways, not just with you but all of us. I will stop, but I need it one more time. In our case, it is I will change my reactions, but I need to react this one last time. 

You have to stop this, immediately. Do you really want to waste today and god knows how many more days torturing yourself over a weird impulse? 

[Cora]

4 minutes ago, malina said:

No. Cora, listen to me. It is not different. Every single time, you say that you agree and that you will stop, but this one time it is different so you can't. Well, yes, every single time is different, yet it is all part of the same overarching problem. No experience is going to be exactly the same everyday for months, is it? And your reaction every time is exactly the same. It is because of this panic and the subsequent compulsions that new thoughts and urges arise. I'm sorry but this really is like an addition in so many ways, not just with you but all of us. I will stop, but I need it one more time. In our case, it is I will change my reactions, but I need to react this one last time. 

You have to stop this, immediately. Do you really want to waste today and god knows how many more days torturing yourself over a weird impulse? 

Okay, malina, I will try to calm down even though I feel so dirty and ashamed, and like hiding from everyone. 

Thank you for your help. 

[malina]

Just now, Cora said:

Okay, malina, I will try to calm down even though I feel so dirty and ashamed, and like hiding from everyone. 

Thank you for your help. 

Listen Cora, I know this is really really hard. Here I am preaching to you, when I'm not always able to do the same myself. But you have to do this, there seem to be only two options here - to be firm with yourself and make a change or to keep spiralling. Everyday is a challenge with this disorder, and everyday you have to make an effort to beat it. 

[felix4]

Cora, because of OCD, you are analysing literally every action & decision you make! (life needn't be like this, if only you'd push for professional help.)

You are not unique here! I can think of one girl in particular that used to frequent the forum with an identical theme & the exact same fears/desires.

 

 

[Cora]

52 minutes ago, felix4 said:

Cora, because of OCD, you are analysing literally every action & decision you make! (life needn't be like this, if only you'd push for professional help.)

You are not unique here! I can think of one girl in particular that used to frequent the forum with an identical theme & the exact same fears/desires.

 

 

I'm sorry, felix, are you saying that what I'm experiencing are real desires? 

Edited November 30, 2020 by Cora

[OxCD]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

I'm sorry, felix, are you saying that what I'm experiencing are real desires? 

@Cora For goodness sake. Go do something else. This is your illness talking, and your stubbornness to accept that a tonne of other experienced OCD sufferers/former sufferers could possibly know better than you is really damaging you. You are just plain wrong. You do not always know best. You cannot always trust your own feelings and thoughts.

Edited November 30, 2020 by OxCD

[Cora]

27 minutes ago, OxCD said:

@Cora For goodness sake. Go do something else. This is your illness talking, and your stubbornness to accept that a tonne of other experienced OCD sufferers/former sufferers could possibly know better than you is really damaging you. You are just plain wrong. You do not always know best. You cannot always trust your own feelings and thoughts.

I realise how stupid and damaging my behaviour is. But at the same time I just can't stop. Honestly. And I'm sorry for that. 

I asked felix that question because I freaked out. I really don't want all this mess to be some sort huge package of sick desires, I really don't. 

[felix4]

2 hours ago, felix4 said:

Cora, because of OCD, you are analysing literally every action & decision you make! (life needn't be like this, if only you'd push for professional help.)

You are not unique here! I can think of one girl in particular that used to frequent the forum with an identical theme & the exact same fears/desires.

2 hours ago, Cora said:

I'm sorry, felix, are you saying that what I'm experiencing are real desires? 

Cora,

No, absolutely not!

You have been the one implying that your problem is something other than OCD, & that nobody sufferers the same, so I just thought it would be helpful to say no, you are not unique, and that I know of one other OCD sufferer that had an identical theme & the exact same fears/desires, that's all.

[Cora]

14 minutes ago, felix4 said:

Cora,

No, absolutely not!

You have been the one implying that your problem is something other than OCD, & that nobody sufferers the same, so I just thought it would be helpful to say no, you are not unique, and that I know of one other OCD sufferer that had an identical theme & the exact same fears/desires, that's all.

Thank you for the clarification, felix.

I apologise for not understanding what you meant and if I've offended you. 

[Cora]

I've realised that my behaviour here on the forum has been very upsetting and I would like to apologise to @malina, @PolarBear,@OxCD and @felix4 (I know apologising won't help but it's the least I can do). I'm sorry and thank you so much for your time, help and support. 

[OxCD]

19 minutes ago, Cora said:

I've realised that my behaviour here on the forum has been very upsetting and I would like to apologise to @malina, @PolarBear,@OxCD and @felix4 (I know apologising won't help but it's the least I can do). I'm sorry and thank you so much for your time, help and support. 

Nope. See - you’re wrong again. Your behaviour hasn’t upset me at all. I just tried a different tone to try and help you. Recognise that you can really get the wrong idea about things. You’re fallible - like all of us, and you’re mistaken on your OCD as well.

If you want to thank us. How about listening and trying to help yourself? We’d all be very happy with that.

Edited November 30, 2020 by OxCD

[OxCD]

2 hours ago, Cora said:

I realise how stupid and damaging my behaviour is. But at the same time I just can't stop. Honestly. And I'm sorry for that. 

That’s just a cop out. Yes you can - it’s just really hard. You may need the support of professionals but you CAN do it.

Edited November 30, 2020 by OxCD

[felix4]

5 minutes ago, OxCD said:

Nope. See - you’re wrong again. Your behaviour hasn’t upset me at all. 

Hasn't upset me either. 

8 minutes ago, OxCD said:

If you want to thank us. How about listening and trying to help yourself? We’d all be very happy with that.

Absolutely! 

[malina]

17 minutes ago, Cora said:

I've realised that my behaviour here on the forum has been very upsetting and I would like to apologise to @malina, @PolarBear,@OxCD and @felix4 (I know apologising won't help but it's the least I can do). I'm sorry and thank you so much for your time, help and support. 

Cora, I don't think anybody is upset by you or your behaviour. I think it's really important that you understand this, people aren't telling you to stop this because they are annoyed or angry. It's because the way you are behaving is hurtful for you. It has no impact on any of us or our lives beyond the fact that we just want to help. I feel that it's important to just be very blunt sometimes to get the message across, but I'm really sorry if that comes across as harsh or angry. 

When you say that you are sorry, it turns the whole situation into you blaming yourself, thinking that you have done something wrong or offensive and essentially more of you putting yourself down!

So please stop apologising and being sorry! There is no reason to apologise and lots of reason for you to keep engaging with all of us and following the advice you're given!

[Cora]

Thank you so much, @malina, @OxCDand @felix4 But I'm still sorry because even though last night I felt a bit better - only thanks to your support and help - I'm back here again. I feel very bad for having the urge to always come back here, I really do, but I'm having another bad day. And things seem to be as bad as yesterday, if not worse. 

Of course, it's related to my brother again. This morning, while helping him to get ready for school, I've had several urges to molest him. What makes me angry is that I also keep having urges to test myself (to see whether I do want to do something bad to him or not); this morning I managed to reduce the number of testings (and by testing I mean sitting beside to my brother, give him a hug, touch his shoulder or monitor how I feel when he hugs or kisses me) but that doesn't change how disgusting I am. (This is after I finished writing this post: I've just realised how terrible my behaviour towards my brother is. I think I'm indirectly hurting him by doing all these testings - okay, now I'm panicking even more.)

These urges and the feelings they bring make me feel so bad. They make me feel moody and irritated; the worse my mood is, the scarier the urges seem and the higher the "desire" to act on them feels. 

Two other things that scary me are that I feel like I want to give in and act on my urges - this feeling is there all the friking time - as well as that I'm never sure about what my intentions are, which always makes me feel like I'm seconds away from doing something terrible to mt brother. 

I know I've been given so much adive already that nothing else could be added really, but I just feel really bad. Last night I even used alcohol and cigarettes (I usually don't drink and don't even smoke) to make this pain less painful, but I think I actually made the whole thing worse. 

I want to keep going. I want to stand up and say 'Stop, that's enough!' but I feel miserable and stuck.

Thank you for reading this. And again, I'm sorry. 

Edited December 1, 2020 by Cora