Meltdown in front of boyfriend

[vivi_x]

Hi guys, 

I was hoping for some advice. 
 

Yesterday my ocd was the worst it’s been in a really long time, I’m talking meltdown and panic attack and screaming and crying, you know the drill. Except normally where I manage to cope on my own and hide it, this happened in front of my boyfriend, of only a few months, and honestly I’m so embarrassed and ashamed and I’m pretty sure I sounded absolutely crazy talking about voices in my head, voices that scared even me last night they were so vivid, and horrible intrusive thoughts. I’ve never really talked to a partner about my ocd before but I was blurting things out left right and centre and it’s scary having said so much about it. 
 

I guess what I’m wondering is do I just pretend it didn’t happen and keep trying to hide it from now on? Or do I have to have the massive conversation about it? Has anyone else had this feeling when a partner finally found out the extent of their ocd?

 

vi x

[thistooshallpass1996]

Hi @vivi_x 

I did this with my first ever boyfriend because I was still finding my feet and was unsure how much to share with my partner. I was 18 and fast forward 7 years, that relationship didn’t last. He couldn’t handle it and it felt like the end of my world but it’s fine because now I’m with someone better for me. He knows about the OCD but I don’t share a lot of my thoughts with him if I’m honest. Some I do, but I keep the worst ones to myself and I just tell him he doesn’t need to know because it doesn’t involve him. 

you’ve got to remember in a relationship you are still your own person and just because you’re with someone else doesn’t mean you have to tell them everything that you struggle with. If you want to then that’s fine, but if they don’t have it chances are they won’t understand. OCD is a difficult topic to talk about. If I get down about the thoughts I have my boyfriend still supports me but I won’t always tell him what the thoughts are.

I’m going to be completely honest with you though, if you had a full on panic attack in front of this guy then I’m guessing he noticed. Did you not have a conversation about it after it happened or did you tell him to leave? Personally I wouldn’t act like nothing happened because it clearly did, so I would just own up to it and just say something like “I want to talk about what happened. It’s best that you know now that I struggle with things sometimes and it just got a bit too much. If you have any questions or have anything to say about it then let me know and we can have a conversation. If not, then let’s just leave it.” and then just let him ask the questions. Don’t over share again but just bear in mind he’s not perfect either. If he can’t handle it and he leaves then let him leave. Having OCD doesn’t affect your self worth and if some guy left you because of it then they’ve done you a favour. 

Your thoughts do not define you but having support from the people you love makes a massive difference  

Edited December 21, 2021 by thistooshallpass1996
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[Summer9173]

2 hours ago, thistooshallpass1996 said:

just because you’re with someone else doesn’t mean you have to tell them everything that you struggle with.

I completely agree with this  I’m sure he was completely worried about you but I do notice even with my boyfriend, if I’ve been down and he knows he tries not to talk about it in front of me or ask me questions about my OCD unless I tell him as he gets worried and scared I’ll get triggered etc, so maybe your boyfriend hasn’t mentioned it because he’s worried you’ll get upset perhaps? 
 

I’m so sorry that happened to you thoughI read through your message and I could relate so much as i was in a similar situation but me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years now and I couldn’t even fully tell him the extent of my ocd/Depression until I’d say a year and a half into our relationship - unless he’d see me have an anxiety attack/be sick because of it etc, you don’t have to tell your boyfriend everything if you don’t feel comfortable doing so just yet, but I'm sure he cares deeply for you and even if you told him I'm sure he’d be 100% supportive anyway  I always used to get scared telling my boyfriend because I did find comfort in him and always felt better around him, but at the same time I was scared to be completely honest in case of the fear he’d walk away, think I’m crazy, react badly. All of the bad thoughts and doubts that come along with OCD  

I’d defiantly talk to him about it because I know how much these things can sit on the mind and make us worry the more we don’t talk about it, a relationship thrives off honesty and communication and I really found this difficult at first  but of course be honest about what you feel comfortable with a first, and then if you feel you want to share more and more as the time goes that’s okay, it’s okay if you feel like you can’t at the moment too but please don’t let all the doubtful thoughts get to you as I’ve done this before when I was in a similar situation  
 

I always used to get told your partner should see you not just at your best, but also at your worst too as it’s a partnership, you encourage each other, support each other and help each other win in life physically, mentally etc. I always wanted my partner to see me at my best all of the time until it got to much and I was in a depression where I physically couldn’t pretend to be ‘perfect’ or happy, but that’s when you see if your partner does step up when you need them most too  I understand why you feel embarrassed about the situation but please try not too as it’s completely normal to have panic attacks/anxiety attacks and so many people unfortunately have them  it’s awful having them in front of somebody I know but at least he can finally sort of understand like you are going through a tough patch and he’ll be there to support you through the good times but the bad times too  

[vivi_x]

1 hour ago, Summer9173 said:

I'm sure he’d be 100% supportive anyway

 

3 hours ago, thistooshallpass1996 said:

Your thoughts do not define you but having support from the people you love makes a massive difference

thank you guys for your replies they were really helpful and encouraging!
 

Honestly he was really the most supportive person I’ve ever met while it was happening, he was caring and patient and just wanted to help, and the more I explained the more encouragement he’d give me that I was doing okay, I guess I’m just so used to trying not to put my problems onto others and keep it all a secret that when someone did everything I needed I wasn’t sure how to react. I’ve talked to him a little about it now and said if he has any questions I’ll do my best to answer them and he just said that communication is really important and he’s glad I trust him enough to express it to him. I suppose I just have to ignore my ocd telling me he’s going to end up hating me because of it and trust in the communication? its all a bit new and scary 

Vi x

Edited December 22, 2021 by vivi_x

[Handy]

I think it’s easier if they have OCD too. One can support the other. 
 

Attachment theory is the new thing.  YouTube has some good stuff on it. 

[vivi_x]

7 hours ago, Handy said:

I think it’s easier if they have OCD too. One can support the other. 
 

Attachment theory is the new thing.  YouTube has some good stuff on it. 

He doesn’t have ocd but he isn’t neurotypical so I guess that helps with the understanding? and honestly I’ve dated people with ocd before and we’ve only made each other worse because we just adopted each other’s obsessions 

I will have a look at the attachment theory thing though, thank you! 

vi x

Edited December 22, 2021 by vivi_x

[snowbear]

15 hours ago, vivi_x said:

he just said that communication is really important and he’s glad I trust him enough to express it to him.

Sounds like a mature young man.  

You're lucky to have someone supportive vivi_x.  Hopefully he will be a good source of support as you go through therapy, when you need encouragement and when you need help standing up to the OCD.

[vivi_x]

3 hours ago, snowbear said:

Sounds like a mature young man.  

You're lucky to have someone supportive vivi_x.  Hopefully he will be a good source of support as you go through therapy, when you need encouragement and when you need help standing up to the OCD.

Thank you for your reply! He really was very good about it, I’m not sure why I panicked so bad, I suppose I’m not used to someone reacting that way and it confused my intrusive thoughts? 
 

it’s really nice to have a place like this to come when I need support but also to have someone in the real world to support me too. 
 

Vi x

[Agrippina]

Just wanted to say how helpful I found this thread. I have just started dating a new guy and I am terrified of having to tell him about having OCD and how it impacts on my life. I think the advice above was great and it has helped me feel a little bit calmer about my own situation.

[Summer9173]

35 minutes ago, Agrippina said:

Just wanted to say how helpful I found this thread. I have just started dating a new guy and I am terrified of having to tell him about having OCD and how it impacts on my life. I think the advice above was great and it has helped me feel a little bit calmer about my own situation.

I get you honestly it’s so scary being fully vulnerable and open with the person you care about the most , I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years now and he doesn’t fully know the extent of my OCD and anxiety, all I’ve told him is that I have OCD and that’s it I don’t even think he fully knows what it is x you don’t have to tell your partner straight away everything or even feel guilty about it  like I said it’s so scary doing that anyway and being open but they always say communication is vital in a relationship. I think it comes with time and sharing little bits over that time about your mental health the more you get comfortable, especially if you’ve both only recently started dating. I understand the guilty feeling though as I feel the same sometimes by not telling my boyfriend everything, as I don’t want him to think I don’t trust him or that I can’t tell him things - but it really is a time thing and you shouldn’t pressure yourself to explain or anything because I’m sure he loves you as you are and the person you are too!! 
 

I only told my boyfriend I had anxiety I’d say around 6 months into dating because I had a panic attack in front of him where I was physically sick, and I felt panicked to tell him but they always take it better then expected I promise