Iknowitscrazybut

Thanks so much. It is true, A thought that helps me is that when I look back on my life at 90 do I want to remember that I spent my time ruminating about whatever or checking up on stuff out of my control anyway...or writing a book, a song, working, spending quality time on planet earth. This helps put me back on track. But it def threw me!! The bump.

Wow - that does sound exhausting. For me things are mainly on the inside (mainly not completely). But when I was a child it was more externalised and I did lots of confessing each night with my mum! Poor woman. I used to try to put others in that role and have stopped now that I recognise it. I have responsibility OCD too, but that's a bit better. than it was - sometimes life forces your hand..for me it's more like everything between me and other people needs to be good/fine. No relationship niggles, none's feelings hurt, no misunderstandings, nothing out of place or I have to 'fix it' and can't sleep, even if it's midnight and really inappropriate and they're sleeping and don't want to make it all OK with me, but I HAVE to or the anxiety is ridiculous. Basically we all have different versions, but the patterns are the same, despite the specifics of the particular fixation being different. Chin up - soldier on and stop checking ;)

Hi there, I haven't posted for a while. It probably sounds very selfish, but I managed to haul myself out of the tumble dryer of rumination. I began to feel solid, sane and secure and stopped 'checking'. I have been using a few tools, including a very simple chain app, where I reward myself every day if I don't check with a tick and don't like to break my chain! I promised I would do it for 365 days and then do whatever I want and gradually the urges went away. THEN... I bumped my head. Really hard. I was taken to hospital by ambulance, had a brain scan etc etc. All seemed OK. I had a bad concussion, lost some ability to process and use language which repaired after about a week (ash). Headaches etc. All what you would expect. But also have become anxious and paranoid and begun to ruminate again. I am SO frustrated and upset by this. I don't know why it has come back or how it is connected to the concussion. I admit I haven't been feeling amazing and had a big cut by my eye (which has healed well, like Terminator). I thought I was passed it. Why has it come back? I am getting really, really strong checking urges, some of which I have followed through on and I can feel the urge to ruminate returning to me like an old nightmare waiting for a replay. So sad. So I'm back!! Hello everyone :-(

This is a good post. It does help to recentre in the 'now'. Thanks for posting this.

Hi Emsie, This is how my axes went also. I had a telephone assessment first - actually it was brilliant. I think it depends who you get. Also some surveys. Then I had a face to face meeting with people from a company called Time to Talk. They kind of gave an overview type 'diagnosis' (in my case she said trauma and complex ptsd with OCD traits, but retrospectively I think I unconsciously played down the OCD stuff to try to appear 'sane'!). Then (this is where it went wrong for me) they offered me weekly online sessions live with a CBT person. I hated the online thing and it didn't really work for me. So I went back to them and then had to wait for ages for face to face CBT. My session came up, but I had been doing lots of Abraham Hicks Law of Attraction recordings which at the time alleviated my OCD a lot...I convinced her I didn't need any help. At one point she stopped and said:"...Oh you almost sounded OCD then..." (I was doing some checking, but justified it brilliantly!). So she signed me off. WHAT A TWERP!!! (me not her). I hope it goes really well for you an you get what you need. I meant to respond to your other post. I got a book of CBT worksheets and the Heal you OCD Workbook. It doesn't say much about relationship OCD which is my latest variant, but it is straight forward and structured, which is what I respond best to. I haven't done the CBT sheets yet. I have had GREAT success lately with 'letting thoughts go'. Not 'looking' for things and using my app to tick off each day that I have managed not to act on a compulsion. It has helped me a LOT. I am also always ready with a distraction for when my brain is telling me to ruminate! Hope you are well - :-)

Hi Pikachu, I wanted to ask the same question myself. What I find (frustratingly) is that after a GOOD day, where I have not ruminated or checked or acts on compulsion, I then go on and have a very vivid nightmare where my OCD fear becomes a reality. Sometimes several nights in a row. I ask myself "Is this a sign?". I am beginning to believe that sometimes the anxiety is underlying and therefore pops up in the dream. Ultimately we have no control over our dreams and however real and disturbing they may feel, maybe should be grateful for them. The same way we are for our liver and kidney. They are doing a job I assume...perhaps just housekeeping for the unconscious mind, processing of worries, exploration of strong feelings and fears, as well as other roles. They have a function, but they don't 'mean' anything in the conventional sense. I do understand though. Last night I dreamed that I was auditioning to be on stage, without a script and that I would be on holiday during the scheduled performance. I then found I couldn't read the script. I can read. I'm not an actor. This is not going to happen. However I am doing some training with my team today so my brain decided to explore my anxieties through something metaphorical and believe me there was another tonne of weird stuff about a party with lots of students and it is all a huge pick-n-mix of bizaarity! Yes I made up that word. Let it all be. The brain's just doing it's job somehow. PS I once dreamed I saved the world from an alien invasion. Nuff said.

I agree with St Mike. I in fact ate a twice reheated curry later on cold from the fridge. I do understand it's hard to unhook from the thoughts, but it's done now and so you may as well just let it go.

Thanks so much Emsie! I hope you're doing well?

Hiya welcome!! I have a kind of relationship based OCD also, although it does like to jump round between different areas. This forum has helped me SO much. You really are not alone. Big virtual hug! :-D

Polar bear - you are so right! At the stage I was doing that a lot it was TERRIBLe. Time consuming and always made my anxiety worse. I see Polar Bear you are all about tough love! It's a good, no nonsense approach. I have just had, thus far, an anxiety free week. It attempted to sneak in on Monday morning and I just haven't given it the time of day to set hold and get a grip. Esmeww I didn't think you were being intrusive. I have tried counselling and to be perfectly honest backed off every time they wanted to start talking about my trauma experience. I seem to be brilliant at derailing counsellors so that they don't get to the root of things. I don't do it consciously. I guess I just feel vulnerable. I have tried to analyse it in my own mind, but find it very difficult to do with others. I suppose I have had various traumatic things spread over time, which is what the assessment said last time I went and they thought it was complex PTSD - trauma, with OCD traits rather than pure OCD. Although I know I already had exhibited confession OCD previous to this, but after that experience I have a two year gap with no memories at all and developed a serious phobia. I was sent to CBT at a local hospital for the phobia, but only went twice, but got over the phobia in my early twenties as a result of pretending not to be frightened in front of my children. Eventually I just wasn't. I am a very open person in many ways and express my feelings readily, but I have noticed that when something upsetting happens - anything that heightens my adrenaline really, I go 'blank' and then shortly afterwards can not usually even remember it and this does bother me a bit...I guess we all develop coping mechanisms. It it a bit like a description of disassociation I read, On the plus side I am very calm in a crisis! But perhaps the OCD is a symptom. I don't know. Life is always throwing things at you isn't it? Sometimes I get more ruminating, checking urges and anxiety when it's all apparently OK...usually before a big step though, like buying a new house... I am feeling so good this week. I haven't been drinking coffee at all either. No checking, except when I accidentally go to do it then I stop myself straight away. It can be like a tick!! I have my OCD workbook and some CBT worksheets ready for if it kicks in again. I realise that with me as I said before it comes and goes and also moves between areas. I usually know I have something going on when I start thinking about my hair too much! This then escalates to obsession with cutting my hair and then sometimes shaving it off becomes an absolute craving. Anyway - I'm good right now. Not feeling suspicious of my partner, but appreciating him and not obsessing about hair cutting! I probably sound like a loon, but honestly if you met me you'd not even know what goes on in my mind! This forum has helped enormously. THANK you - everyone!!!!!

Yeh me too. I also do other kinds of searching that lead to painful feelings and anxiety when I am seeking certainty and that is the type of searching I am avoiding because it's like a form of self-harm really - it hurts and doesn't help and doesn't create certainty and is just a big fat waste of my creative energy. But just understanding words and meanings...isn't that just a healthy curiosity? Some people love words and language.

Hiya Helen, I get that feeling too when I am really freaking out. When my thoughts become bigger than reality. I think it's just our brains trying to cope with all the anxiety. I'm ALWAYS seeking certainty. I'll take a terrible certainty over a benign uncertainty any day! :-) I'm learning to let go and allow uncertainty. And I'm still here. I did not combust as I had imagined.

Thanks for all your replies. I have been away for a few days with family and came back feeling sane and calm. I noticed that the ruminating does try to sneak in. It feels like an old friend who wants to hang out! Painful and comforting at once...but I'm not interested, because it escalates the anxiety!! PolarBear when you say googling is a compulsion...does that mean I shouldn't be doing any reading on OCD etc.? Is that strengthening it? Does that mean no forums? I'm thinking it's hard to get a balance between a healthy form of self-soothing (which is better than reassurance seeking from others) and just cold turkey. I dunno. This weekend I have felt like a very happy person, but yup, it sneaks back in. Something I read by Taurene really helped - not letting the past leak into the present or the future leak into the present - and for me I need to add my IMAGINATION because I literally imagine scenarios and situations and play them out in my head like TV dramas. Sigh. Real life. Keep it simple. That's what I need to do. Stop trying to control everything. Let it be.

Hi there, so...this is the problem I always come back to. I currently have an OCD based around fears of being cheated on by my partner. I had these before with my previous partner. I did lots of checking and actually I DID find evidence of cheating and found out he'd been lying to me, even throughout my pregnancy. So I am finding it really hard not to have the same thing. The difference being I haven't found anything really when checking and just get confused. I know it's horrible and I feel like a horrible person. I am not doing the checking at the moment and haven't for quite a while, but I am always looking around me, eyes wide open, observing, listening hard. Always hyper vigilant. Always watching out for things. Ruminating. I do a lot of imagining...stinging things together which turn out to be meaningless. I feel very foolish, but I am so scared of it happening. My dad was also regularly unfaithful to my mum and I have never felt safe in relationships. In other areas I am very happy. Having said that - when single I tend to have episodes of OCD around other areas of anxiety, which have included intrusive thoughts and compulsions such as cutting my hair. BUT I still have this fear that if I DON'T keep my eyes peeled and keep thinking about it and keep on top of it and checking and reassurance seeking that I will get cheated on again!! I'm not afraid of being alone or being left. Not at all. Just of being deceived. I am utterly terrified of it. How do I know whether if I take my eyes off the game it'll happen? I feel like if it did I would have a breakdown and die or do something to someone. I'm just trying to protect myself. BUT I don't know whether it's my instincts telling me he is unsafe or whether it is just me being OCD. On a good day - I just let it go from the front of my mind and THEN often get a terrible nightmare where it happens in my dream. It's so weird. On a bad day and basically ruminate for hours and feel like I am wasting my life. HOW DO I KNOW?? Maybe it's not OCD. I just want it to be so that it's not happening? Sorry :-( I know I have posted a lot on here lately as I am new to it and I have had some good days like yesterday where I distracted, but I have been waiting to ask this question for ages and googled it, but my computer got confused and highlights every single post with the word 'how' and 'to' in it! Which was not helpful.

Hi there, your name is very intriguing and perhaps it has some meaning that is lost on me...? Where on earth did you get that from? Like it. I am also pretty new on this site and posted my first post, much as you have. I had such a horrible week (inside my head, rather than outside of it) last week that culminated in this desperation and feeling of wanting to crawl out of my own skin and escape from my own brain, which was a torture cell. I really felt like everything was escalating and I was starting to panic. I have had such a good day today (despite waking up anxious - it all just seemed to evaporate) that I almost can't imagine how I felt when I felt bad. I feel calm and clear and my mind is not all full of flies, buzzing around making me crazy. I am just telling you that, because there is hope. Often I ruminate for hours. I have said it in a few posts and I'm just talking about what helps me...distraction and as early on as possible! Don't push the thoughts back, or be forceful. Accept and distract. Don't go down the paths if possible because they are endless and winding as we know. Do you like audio books? They REALLY help me, particularly in the car where it's easy to get to ruminating. Something really engaging. I have heard a lot of good things about mindfulness, meditation, but have yet to try it. I don't have a good attention span. You are not alone! Welcome to the forum. Like I said I am new, but finding it incredibly helpful.