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  1. I'm not living at home any more but I see my parents several times a week. They know how much I'm suffering but in best case they just choose to ignore it. They don't want to have a "sick" child. I think this reaction is of course not good and it hurts but maybe it's understandable. Parents usually want the best for their children and my parents are just helpless when they are confronted with my OCD. Sometimes they get angry, most of the time they just push it away, after the motto "it cannot be what may not be". Of course I wish they would have learnt about OCD and I'm sad they didn't. Since I realized that I won't get any help or support I try to hide it from them. It's a bit easier for me than for you since I'm not living at home any more but I truly wish I would have had more support and less of those hurtful remarks regarding my OCD....
  2. Hi, I'm sorry that you're struggling so much at the moment. I'm only in square 1 (in fact never left square 1) so I'm actually in no position to give advice but I'll try to answer your question and hope that something is useful for you. I can totally understand what you're writing since I also check at work. I've to read each Email x times, as you I've problems to put someting in an envelope, I've to check the address x times, especially to make sure the I did not mix up Mr and Mrs.... the list is endless. From your other posts I know how important this new job is for you so I think it's absolutely normal that you're worried if you get it. But since you put yourself under so much stress your checking OCD gets worse. It's a vicious cycle, the more you're afraid of a mistake, the more checking, the more insecurity, the more the fear of a mistake.... I'm sorry to learn that your new job also depends on the reference of your current managers. I wish I could say that your manager won't give a bad reference but I can't, but what I can say for sure is that you cannot necessarily influence this and that sometimes you will never learn the motivation behind something another human being does. If she should give a bad reference - and I'm NOT saying she will - it might be because she wants to keep you because you're such an extremely good worker. What I want to say with this is, that you cannot influence your manager and she will do whatever she wants for whatever reasons and motivations she has. This is on the one hand scary but maybe it can also take away the pressure from you. We think compulsions help us to avoid a bad outcome, help us to make life more secure, give us control over things which are actually beyond our influence but in fact they won't change anything, they will only cause us distress and anxiety. All you can do is give your best, believe in yourself - everything your manager does is no more in your control.
  3. GreyCat

    Family falling apart - feel like I have no support

    Hi, I'm so glad I did not say anything wrong. Posting is a real struggle for me, as I said I'm afraid of saying something wrong and then the checking and checking and checking before I'm able to submit a reply.... I'm so glad that you have some goals and things which you would like to do in life. Your list sounds great! When I look at my list I only focus at the goals, I'm not looking at what is achievable and what not, in fact they are all out of reach at the moment. I only keep this list to keep me motivated, to keep on fighting, to endure all the constant relapses. I want and I will do all that is necesssary to improve since as mentioned my life as it is is really miserable. These goals are only a motivation in the context of why to fight against OCD and what to fight for. With these goals ahead I know at least why I endure this horrific anxiety and also the hardships of ERP. And the internet is wonderful, I can watch the places I would like to go to and see the things I would like to do while I'm not yet able to do so. This increases my motivation even more and lifts my mood which then helps to tackle the OCD. To get a rescue cat as medium goal sounds great! My cats are also rescue cats. I don't have harm OCD but I've to check everything and the cats are one of my main triggers. I've to check the windows (even though I do not open them), doors, stove, simply everything. It would be easier to give the cats away since checking for their safety is so hard and time-consuming but I love them and I refuse to "lose" them to OCD. I may not make any progress against this disease but at least I'm defending my current position against OCD. Thank you for asking, no I don't get any therapy. I wish I would get some help. I understand that you're seeing someone next week? Do you get some medication? Maybe you can work out a plan that works for you. Sorry if I ask something you already wrote but I can't switch between the topics (Computer skill = zero!) since I'll lose what I wrote so far. Is online therapy an option? Is there someone you can contact when you feel suicidal? We do have emergency telephones here, I contacted them once and it really helped. As I said I'm running around in square 1 so I cannot contribute anything regarding recovery from OCD but please reach out for help!
  4. GreyCat

    Family falling apart - feel like I have no support

    Hi, Unfortunately I can't contribute anything regarding overcoming OCD since I'm running around in square 1. But I can totally relate. I'm over 40, don't have a partner - in fact never ever had a relationship in my life - no kids, no friends and a job I don't like and now additionally maybe an alcohol addiction. And I agree with you that it's hard to motivate myself considering where I'm now. What is helping me - and I don't know if this makes sense for you too - is to cling to some things I would love to do. I've a handful of goals - very, very small ones for other people - but for me at the moment out of reach due to my OCD. But I cling to it and it gives me the motivation to keep on fighting. I don't like my life as it is know but this in itself is also my motivation to try to improve. Only if I get better I'm maybe able to reach one of my goals. If I only look at where I am now, there is really not much reason for me to fight, but if I cling to my goals I see a reason. I don't know if this is of some help for you but maybe you can think of a few things you would love to do in life, be it to travel somewhere, go to a concert, have a pet or whatever. Maybe this is then a motivation. If we've a goal it's easier to start the journey and to start fighting. If above doesn't make any sense, just ignore me. I'm always terrified to send a comment since I don't want to say something wrong.
  5. GreyCat

    Eating disorder and OCD

    Hi, I've also had both. Aneroxia was diagnosed when I did not know anything about OCD yet but also with my knowledge now I don't know what was OCD and what was the eating disorder. It's an addiction so it's normal that it "occupies" you completely. I also had to weigh myself several times a day, I was constantly checking if the distance between my stomach and the trousers was still the same (checking with bottles or other items). I was counting calories and if I ate too much I had to exercise obsessively. I ran on exact the same days, exact the same distance.... To be honest until today I don't know how much of this was OCD and how much was the easting disorder. I would tend to attribute it more to the addiction. Unfortunately I can't contribute much in the sense of how to overcome it. I banished the scales, I bought a new pair of trousers so I could not compare the past with the present. I stopped running completely and changed to more relaxing "sports" like walking. It was so hard in the beginning! Of course the eating disorder is still present, it's an addiction so it's a lifetime issue but it's more in the background. Unfortunately I shifted the addiction so as said above I cannot contribute anything in the context of how to overcome it.
  6. GreyCat

    Feeling guilty

    Hi Tanana, I fully agree with Headwreck. I also think it's normal that we want our pets to be happy and that we want to be sure to give them a good home. I do have OCD around my cats, i.e. checking the windows, the doors, checking the flat for items which might hurt the cats.... and here I clearly see the OCD theme. I also want my cats to be happy and they definitely are but contrary to my checking around them I don't see this as an OCD issue since it's just normal that you want your pet to be happy and to feel at home.
  7. I also think it would be a very helpful topic
  8. Unfortunately I can't become a member since I'm not living in the UK but maybe a donation is possible? I will check this since I fully agree with everything you said above.
  9. Hi, This is really very interesting, I also get many random thoughts which don't bother me at all but I realize (only now thanks to your thread) that they are OCD themes for others: what if I hurt my cats/what if I don't let them inside any more what if I drove into oncoming vans what if I shout out insults sexual thoughts involving people I actually don't like what if I stole the chocolate in the shop But since they are no OCD thoughts they don't worry me at all
  10. GreyCat

    Scared to leave my job

    Hi Kaheath80, I agree with your friend that almost everyone worries when they decide to look for a new job. When you're made redundant you don't have any other choice but when you yourself decide to leave I think it's normal to worry if this is the right decision, if it wouldn't have been better to stay in your old job.... But reading your post I also think that your anxiety might be higher than for a person without OCD since you have so many worries and what ifs, what if I'm made redundant, what if I end up hating the job. I'm definitely no expert and terribly struggling myself but I would recommend to try to leave it alone for the moment, and just wait and find out how you like the job after the changes have been implemented. In case you should find out that you don't like the job anymore it would be the time to address the second worry (i.e. should I change the job) but not now. Now you can only wait and see how you get along with the changes.
  11. Hello Gemma7 Thank you so much for your reply. This is very helpful. I realize that I indeed made a mistake by reducing many compulsions at once and by only reducing not stopping them. I will try what you suggested, only start with one compulsion but not only reducing it but going from 100 to 0. And then doing more cognitive work. I will have to find out why I'm so terribly afraid of a mistake, even of small mistakes like a typo. Again thank you so much, you really put me back on track. And I'll do as suggested, I'll try to match the average standard at work, I was indeed aiming for the highest standard.
  12. Hello Gingerbreadgirl and Gemma7 Thank you so much for your replies. It definitely helps to know that I'm not alone. Yes, I'm sure I have to gradually address my compulsions around my big obessions too, otherwise I'll soon be incapable to continue working. But at the moment I'm not able to also address the big obessions since reducing the less severe compulsions from 4 (4x4) is the next huge obstacle. 3 is difficult in itself because it's an uneven number (I don't even know why), 2 (2x4) seems to be a big gap. I would be tempted to leave it as it is since I already gained quite some freedom as mentioned but I know that this will not last if I stop addressing it. Yes, exactly as you say, I'm checking to prevent something I worry about from happening (burglary, fire, something happening to the cats) or I check that something did not happen (hitting somebody with the car). Problem is that I'm really clumsy since my mind is constantly in the past trying to remember if everything is safe so that it does not happen rarely that I'm doing the current thing wrong.Yes, I'm taking the responsibility on my shoulders but I do have it in case a fire breaks out due to me forgetting for example to switch off the stove, or if something happens to the cats due to an open window.... It's exactly as you say I feel I'm extremely risky by not checking as often as before so this seems to have increased the sense of risk at work. As you say I feel much more responsibility to be sure at work now than before and I can't reduce the compulsions there or stop them from becoming stronger. It's as if it's untouchable. Looking at my compulsions gives 2 opposite results. All the checking compulsions at home made me feel comfortable in the end, but the time needed became more and more. Problem at work is that we've to check once since we're entering so many figures during the day that mistakes may happen. I know from experience that I find them with the first check or not at all but even knowing this the checking system around the work gets more and more complicated and longer. And opposite to checking at home I never feel comfortable. But I think I understand what you mean that by reducing my compulsions but still doing them I'm keeping my sense of risk up. But would it mean to go from 100 to 0 with one compulsion? Is this correct? I'm reading "Overcoming Obessive Thoughts" at the moment. Unfortunately reading (and typing) is another problem. If I get interrupted for example by a barking dog, I've to reread the whole sentence, sometimes even chapter to be sure that I did not miss one word... Thank you again so much for your advice. It already helps so much to know that you're not alone
  13. Hello! I'm really struggling and I would be thankful for any advice. With help of self-help books and the advice I read here in many threads I started to reduce my compulsions. I could reduce checking the windows, doors, electric devices and cut it down to 4 times (in fact 4x4). This is still a lot but much, much less than before so that I gained quite some freedom and free time already. The anxiety is still hard to bear but getting better. And I've to continue working on the less severe compulsions since it's still more getting up, falling, getting up, falling.... than in fact walking. But while doing so I realized that one of my main compulsions, checking at work, gets worse and worse. It is as if OCD is retreating and giving up the smaller topics and is now concentrating its troops at my major problems. I'm afraid that by continuing working with the less severe compulsions I'll make my main compulsion stronger and stronger. It was always very time-consuming to check my work but it gets worse and worse and so far I was only afraid right before the check (we've to check once, it's part of the job) but now I'm afraid to even start the work due to my fear of checking it afterwards. Am I doing something wrong? Should I stop working with the less severe compulsions since if it continues like this I'll soon not be able to work any more. I would be really thankful for any advice. My best wishes to you all!
  14. GreyCat

    Cognitive before behavioural

    I completely agree with you. I made the first small progress (following your recommendation how to challenge my checking compulsion, i.e. your way to put the cart before the horse) when starting with ERP. I was so stuck, I definitely did not have "any access to my brain". Only after confronting the fear (which was terrible at first but a little better by now) and realizing that my fear was not real but in my head only, my brain started to relax a little bit. I think now would be the time for the cognitive part but I simply don't understand it. But back to your question, starting with ERP brought the first small success which I would not have been able to achieve starting with the cognitive side.
  15. GreyCat


    I don't have any experience with medication since I don't get anything but from what I know an SSRI must in any case not be stopped suddenly and completely and the decision should not be taken by you alone. So I really would recommend to check back again with your doctor why he refuses to take you off and why he instead is upping the dose. And then as orange says if you're not satisfied with the explanation I would also recommend to ask a second and if necessary third doctor to get other opinions. But I would not recommend to just stop taking the medicines without any support of a GP or through therapy.