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Saffron37

Bulletin Board User
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Everything posted by Saffron37

  1. Hi Twinkle. I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time. Unfortunately, I've been where you are, and I know how painful (literally and figuratively) it is. A few things to remember: -Breast pain is almost never related to cancer. -During your period, hormonal changes causes breasts to swell, meaning that they feel lumpier than usual. -You've been poking at your breast tissue for days, so they have become very swollen and irritated, causing the lumpy texture. It's cause and effect: the more you poke and prod, the more inflamed, the lumpier. That's all that's going on. -Your doctor is not lying to you to make you feel better. That would be unbelievably immoral and they would not do that. Your doctor clearly saw that you are panicked and is ordering a scan in order to soothe your extreme anxiety. This is OCD. You know it is OCD. Take some deep breaths and calm down. Are you receiving any help for your OCD?
  2. Oh Summer, my friend. <hug> Nothing about your home life is normal or okay. Your mom is, I'm sorry to say, extremely abusive, so abusive that your dad took off, and you (the one who should be protected and cherished by your parents) are in the role of having to bear the entire burden and still feel like you're not doing enough. I'm so incredibly sorry. As hard as this is to accept, and as painful as it is, realize it means one thing: you are strong as hell. You can overcome anything. The OCD? It sucks, but it's nowhere near as bad as what you've had to handle your entire life. And you're only 19--you have your entire life ahead of you to find your "chosen family", as they call it, and I promise that there are many, many people out there who will treat you with love, respect and care. As to whether or not your OCD "comes from" your home life, I don't know--I suspect that at the least, it magnifies and worsens it greatly. I'm so glad you have such a wonderful therapist, and it sounds like the best way for you to reach the goal of leaving your family's toxic household is to gain more independence, which means learning to drive, being able to hold down a job, etc (with the job thing: any way you could work remotely or do something online, at least for the moment?). I wonder if your therapist also might have any ideas of resources you might tap into or ideas of how you could take steps to become independent? Even being able to save up some money might be a great first step!
  3. It's really tough, isn't it? I read one anecdote in Brain Lock that described a woman who was obsessed with the idea that she had left appliances on before going to work, and it got to the point where she could literally be holding the unplugged appliance in her hand, staring at it, and still feel the sense that maybe it still was on. That's the power of the distortion of OCD! If it helps, just keep in mind that every OCD sufferer essentially has to confront the same dilemma you are--that the OCD makes no sense but feels so remarkably true that it's difficult to believe otherwise. The good news is that the more you try to view your thoughts objectively (like the "Wise Counselor" and "Impartial Observer" discussed in Brain Lock), the less that distortion will affect you and the more that you will be able to see and feel the truth of things. Like others have said on here, you have to take the leap of faith that although you still feel that your OCD-related thoughts and feelings are true, you know that they are not as so will act accordingly. You can do it!!
  4. First off, good on you for doing some distractions! That's awesome! Now, try to differentiate between "feeling awful" and "ruminating." My suspicion is that because you were feeling awful, you felt like you had no choice but to ruminate, go over the memories, etc, etc--but the amazing truth is that rumination is a choice. It does not feel like one, believe me, I understand, but it is. Try to look at the "feeling awful" part of the equation as something that's just gonna hang around for a while, but doesn't actually mean anything beyond your OCD pulling its tricks. If you can sit with the feeling awful without ruminating--and it might take a while, and it takes practice, and that's okay--things will definitely improve. @PolarBear has a great video about stopping ruminating. Can someone point us in its direction?
  5. Just wanted to bump this thread to say that the offer of self-help materials is still very much open. Please DM me if you'd like to take me up on it!
  6. I know you feel horrible, and I'm so sorry. Get up and get going anyways--I promise, it will help. Lying in bed will drag you down further--I've been there too many times. ❤️ You know the way you feel compassion for all of us on the forums? I've seen your posts on other threads and they're always so kind and encouraging. Try to remember that you're in the very same boat as the rest of us, and direct a little bit of that compassion and love to yourself as well. I believe in you.
  7. I’m really proud of you for trying, Cora! One thing that might be important to keep in mind is that feeling worse does not equate to something is wrong. In fact, feeling worse in the short term is really inevitable as you start to perform exposures and refrain from compulsions. That does not mean that you are going in the wrong direction, rather the opposite! Please don’t give up!
  8. Hey Summer, glad to hear that your fears are relieved! Have you considered a form of birth control like an IUD? I have a copper IUD and it's absolutely great, extremely effective. Also non-hormonal, so none of those side effects. Perhaps that would give some comfort?
  9. This is a pretty weird viewpoint for your wife to have, no disrespect intended. Sexual fantasies and attraction to those who aren't your spouse is not only natural, it's inevitable. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain, but please try to remember that most people would find your wife's viewpoint to be extreme and unrealistic.
  10. Have you taken a look at Brain Lock yet, Ma? I think reading the introduction, which is really very short, would be a great thing. I'm really sorry you're in so much pain.
  11. Oh my gosh Hedgehog I love Brooklyn 99. I'll have to check out Superstore! 😄
  12. Hey everybody! I thought it might be nice to start a thread where we all post whatever helps us distract from OCD/anxiety and generally feel nice. I tend to go for light, entertaining, feel-good types of things. Recommendations: The Dodo youtube channel, lots of wonderful and heartwarming videos about animals and their humans. One of my favorites: I also really enjoy the programs RuPaul's Drag Race, The Good Place, Ted Lasso, Great British Baking show, and a lot more. How about everyone else?
  13. That's super awesome Northpaul! I agree that celebrating victories is so important--what may seem small from the outside is really not so small at all. Hope you have a wonderful weekend.
  14. Because now you know that what is going on is a mental disorder, OCD. You are logically aware that as painful as it is, it's not accurate. Stop talking to yourself this way, please! The more you tell yourself these definitive statement ("I know they're bad," "I shouldn't be doing them") that you're aware logically are false, the more you're programming your brain to think and act that way.
  15. That's great! As soon as it arrives, take a look. I think you'll find it extremely helpful as to understanding why these thoughts and feelings are occurring.
  16. All those things are avoidance compulsions--you're treating the possibility of coming into contact with your baby as if it's something so terrifying and awful that it must be avoided at all cost, and your brain is taking note. That avoidance is strengthening and strengthening the anxiety and the OCD circuit. Ma, I think I may have asked before, have you taken a look at Brain Lock yet? Sending so many hugs!
  17. Ma, I'm so sorry, but what you are thinking of "help" is reassurance-seeking, which will 100% make this worse. The only way--I repeat, the only way--for you to get better from this is to refrain from doing the compulsions that have been occupying your time since this latest trigger. The reason you're feeling worse and worse is that you're continuing to perform compulsions. I'm so sorry, I wish it was different and that one of us could take the pain away from you, but the reality is that your brain is under your conscious control, and only you can make those changes. I think you might benefit from some reading to learn more about how OCD works in your brain. You mentioned that you bought a copy of Brain Lock, have you taken a look?
  18. Every person on Earth has fleeting thoughts that may "go against" their values--it's totally normal, because our brain is chattering away all the time and constantly processing information and ideas. People without OCD don't even notice those thoughts, or dismiss them as being unimportant. For example, I've at times had fleeting thoughts about what my brother is like sexually--not because I have any interest in him or in incest, but simply because when you hang around someone long enough you'll wonder about that part of their life. My OCD does not revolve around worries about sexual deviance, however, so when I had that thought I barely even noticed it. I actually found it kind of funny, the fact that my brain had even gone there! You, however, have OCD surrounding sexual deviance. So, if you had a thought similar to the one I just described, you would assign a huge amount of importance and meaning to it. You would become intensely anxious, wondering if you possibly could like that thought, what does it mean, why would you even think it? That's the OCD, right there. Then, the more you think about it and worry about it and try to avoid another such thought, the more you're teaching your brain that those nonsense thoughts have importance, and so reinforcing the pattern that creates the OCD. That's what Snowbear means when she says that the problem is how we respond to the thoughts and feelings, not the thoughts and feelings themselves. OCD is a disease of doubt. I think what you're calling "intrusive feelings" is really just the intense anxiety and doubt you feel when wondering if you might actually [insert fear here]. It makes no sense, which makes it even more upsetting, right? You probably can't understand why you feel so certain that you are horrible when your logical brain understands that it is all nonsense. The answer, now and always, is that it is a mental disorder called OCD.
  19. Ah, I see, thank you for explaining. Are you comfortable talking to your therapist about this? Maybe they can help to strategize how to try to respond when your mood swings downward?
  20. Hey Manny! I'm so sorry you went through something so difficult and painful! Snowbear has it exactly right--just stick to the script and you'll be good. I hope you don't have any residual guilt or shame over the masturbation, but if you do, please try to let it go. You did nothing wrong, and this is really confusing stuff! Sending you best wishes.
  21. I can totally understand why you'd find this so anxiety-provoking! However, you're not trying to make yourself believe that you want to do those things, you're merely coming into contact with the scary words and ideas in order to work on desensitizing yourself to their emotional impact. Your goal here is to be able to react to that OCD voice with indifference, even boredom--the opposite of the terror it inspires now. It feels awful because right now your brain associates the intrusive thoughts with such anxiety that even hearing the words is upsetting, but the point of this exercise is to change that--to take away the intrusive thoughts' power. Does that help, seeing what the point of the exposure really is?
  22. Hi Jan! Welcome, I'm so glad you found this place! I'm pretty new here too and it's a great community. Personally, I find watching cute animal videos--particularly stories of people with particularly strong and loving bonds to their pets--to be amazing for giving me some warm, cozy feelings. Check out "The Dodo" channel on YouTube, they have endless lovely videos!
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