Loneliness

[Guest PaulM]

How many people here deal with loneliness? How do you deal with it?

I have very few friends that do things with me. In fact, most weekends are completely solitary. I find them difficult and I end up slipping into ruminations or worries, etc. It's quite a challenge sometimes with too much time on my hands. Usually I'll make an effort to go out but even then, when you're the one person dining alone, sitting by yourself unless it's a party where you know people, it's still limited conversation beyond talking to the server at whatever establishment you're in.

So, does anyone else find they are faced with the same? And if so, what do you do to combat it?

Edited June 22, 2018 by PaulM

[taurean]

I was certainly faced with loneliness when we moved to Northampton from London, and my wife fell seriously ill the day after we moved. 

There was so much to do and only one to do it, so I rolled up my sleeves and got busy. 

And having seen to her needs, when she was sleeping and I needed a break, then I had the village pub or cafe, and the local health club. 

I happen to be gregarious confident and a people person so that helped me strike up conversations and make friends with the staff and customers - that feeling of belonging - and the love and care shown towards me because of those circumstances - was a beacon of hope through a very difficult time.

My wife is much better now, and has been with me to say hello and thank the people at the cafe and pub who showed me such care and understanding. 

I would suggest you join some kind of club or hobby group Paul, somewhere you can get company and make friends - even if you happen to be a shy or reserved person. 

It was easy going for me, as my job was as a client executive - but even those of us not so confident will usually be welcomed into a group at a club. 

Many good local groups cost little or nothing to join, and they are a great way to take up an interest or hobby, and meet new people. 

If your OCD is looking to set rules stopping you seeking the company of others, break those rules, don't allow it to restrict you in that way. 

Edited June 22, 2018 by taurean

[Guest PaulM]

33 minutes ago, taurean said:

Many good local groups cost little or nothing to join, and they are a great way to take up an interest or hobby, and meet new people. 

If your OCD is looking to set rules stopping you seeking the company of others, break those rules, don't allow it to restrict you in that way. 

Thanks for the reply, taurean.

I used to volunteer at a coffee shop run by a local arts society. I thought I had some very good friends there, but last year after I had been dumped by my girlfriend I was having a very difficult time. I'll admit I'm not a lot of fun to be around, but some things happened where I was isolated from activities and it highlighted how fickle things can be when you really need people more than ever. It hurt less to isolate from there than be pushed away by people.

Maybe I need to find another opportunity and not get so attached to people. There's a chance all of this is my own fault I suppose.

[taurean]

It's hurtful being dumped, but it is part of the game of life that we humans play - and such events put trust at risk. 

But you have a choice. Accept what happened, though unpleasant, and move on - leave it behind, don't let it set restrictive rules to stop normal social interaction. 

Or you can plough a lonely furrow, too unwilling - and afraid - to trust your fellow man or woman. 

I know which choice I would make, and I think you know too. 

Whatever slings and arrows of outrageous fortune target us, we can stand firm and not let them throw us into an emotionally weak state. 

The person who, despite challenging adversity, puts a carnation in his buttonhole and strolls down the street whistling and singing, now he is a person that cauterises quickly any emotional wound and refuses to let it become a major setback. 

And when it comes to relationships, emotions can run high. 

I ended a developing relationship because the girl fancied my flatmate, and I couldn't tolerate her wanting to try a date with him. 

As it happened, she didn't date him, and we agreed to meet up once a month and catch up with how we were getting on dating. 

Well, as time went on we both agreed that the grass was not greener elsewhere and we were very fond of each other. 

A sexual relationship developed, love blossomed, and we bought our first property together. 

That was some 38 years ago, and we have been married for 34.

I learned not to cut off my lines of supply, because you just never know. 

Don't let OCD fears and threats about getting close to people worry you. One bad experience should not ruin your chance of happiness. Most people out there in our orbit are likely nice - we shouldn't focus on the remainder that may not be. 

 

 

[Em00]

I think ocd can be a very isolating condition. I've isolated myself hugely (because of my beliefs about myself) and do struggle with that. I go to a mental health social group which helps and I try and do things that interest me to distract. 

[taurean]

13 minutes ago, Em00 said:

I think ocd can be a very isolating condition. I've isolated myself hugely (because of my beliefs about myself) and do struggle with that. I go to a mental health social group which helps and I try and do things that interest me to distract. 

It can be, because,amongst other things, we can listen to our obsessive thoughts and think we are bad, despicable or whatever for having them - or maybe a bad experience, as with Phil being chucked by his girlfriend, could perhaps let the OCD team up with another cognitive distortion ( might possibly be all boyfriends/girlfriends might likely behave like that, so I don't feel I can trust anyone again (overgeneralisation) ). 

When we use cognitive elements of CBT to analyse our OCD obsessions plus other negative thinking distortions, we can identify the lies the exaggerations etc and change our thinking patterns gradually, to overcome the belief in the thinking distortions. 

[Cub]

Loneliness has been a very difficult one for me, too. When I used to live in Wales, I had a part-time job and had a lot of time to myself; I was struggling with OCD and my Mum had recently died; she was my best friend and I used to talk to her on the phone most days, so that loss of that extremely important person in my life was a terrible blow. I also worked in a job which I loved but sociably made me feel very out of place and it sometimes felt as if I wasn't there. I used to drift around the city a lot, trying to fill the hours, trying to run away from the thoughts and doubts and going over the OCD cycle most days, plagued by guilt and anxiety. And because it was relating to my hobbies, things I liked, I wasn't able to amuse myself or get anything done because I was scared I wasn't allowed to do it and it kept stopping me. I'm much better these days; my circumstances have changed a lot for one thing and I'm living closer to my dad and family and though not quite there with the OCD because it does sometimes feel like I have my head under the water, things are better generally.

My advice to anyone in that situation would be: try not to make the loneliness go away because it just makes it worse. You may find yourself boredom-eating/comfort eating; don't do that if you can help it. Yes, take yourself out for a coffee; I would sometimes take my laptop to the coffee-shop across the road once I started writing again. I also took a book to the park and would read; that way, I'm getting out in nature and doing something on the cheap. Would also recommend a good walk rather than staying in your room. I can't guarantee you won't not feel lonely but it's better than staying inside and movement will help you feel better. We all feel lonely in our lives but a better day will come. I sometimes feel like I deserve to feel bad things, but I'm doing all I can and I've made mistakes; we all have and it's important to keep going. 

C x

[St Mike]

If you practise mindfulness, you would realise that loneliness is just an emotion, no different from anger, sadness, happiness etc.

It comes and it goes. It will not persist unless you dwell on it and engage with it i.e. bemoaning the state of loneliness you are in.

Change your mindset i.e. being alone = loneliness, no one to do stuff with or talk to, instead to being alone = oh great, I can take a long walk at the park, get some fresh air and enjoy nature or maybe practise some mindfulness, or oh great, I can go down to the gym and pump some iron etc.

What matters to me and what I have learnt in life is that I can have fun and enjoy myself either alone or with people. Having a good time is not dependent on the number of people so long as there is one person present - YOU!  

 

 

 

 

Edited June 24, 2018 by St Mike

[Atlantis]

I posted up recently about emotional attachments to people - no replies but check it out and see if you can relate.. 

Hobby wise I do mountain biking, and I find I'd much rather be in the forest sending it down the trail with good music in my ears away from everyone else, if you live in Canada you're in MTB paradise! 

[taurean]

Some people need others more than most - I am one such person, comfortable in and around others as the nature of my job as an account executive taught me. 

And I find in retirement I am still really comfortable with that, really enjoy meeting new people and opening up conversations, finding new friends. 

To learn that, and become that person, I learned that my mental distortions (I didn't learn until I was aged 50 that it was OCD)  were at odds with my true feelings.

I realised that personally, without feeling I could discuss my intrusive thoughts with anyone else. Now I know better and wish I had got professional therapy sooner. 

If I had got sucked into believing OCD's distortions, it would have stopped me becoming a people-oriented person, and I would not have had the wonderful role in insurance that suited me personally. 

If OCD is using our horrible despicable or repulsive thoughts in this way, and we are onto avoidance of other people, let's stop and find out why it does that and how we can change our thinking. 

A better experience of the world and others around us is likely to follow - even if in the main we are happier with our own company. 

Edited June 25, 2018 by taurean

[Guest PaulM]

On 22/06/2018 at 17:20, taurean said:

As it happened, she didn't date him, and we agreed to meet up once a month and catch up with how we were getting on dating. 

I can't handle seeing her, much less finding out about her dating life. It's too hurtful.

[Guest PaulM]

On 24/06/2018 at 14:58, St Mike said:

If you practise mindfulness, you would realise that loneliness is just an emotion, no different from anger, sadness, happiness etc.

It comes and it goes. It will not persist unless you dwell on it and engage with it i.e. bemoaning the state of loneliness you are in.

Change your mindset i.e. being alone = loneliness, no one to do stuff with or talk to, instead to being alone = oh great, I can take a long walk at the park, get some fresh air and enjoy nature or maybe practise some mindfulness, or oh great, I can go down to the gym and pump some iron etc.

What matters to me and what I have learnt in life is that I can have fun and enjoy myself either alone or with people. Having a good time is not dependent on the number of people so long as there is one person present - YOU!  

There are days that I see the positive aspects of doing my own thing. But after a while, there are days that slip in where I feel very lonely.

[Guest PaulM]

On 24/06/2018 at 13:24, Cub said:

My advice to anyone in that situation would be: try not to make the loneliness go away because it just makes it worse. You may find yourself boredom-eating/comfort eating; don't do that if you can help it. Yes, take yourself out for a coffee; I would sometimes take my laptop to the coffee-shop across the road once I started writing again. I also took a book to the park and would read; that way, I'm getting out in nature and doing something on the cheap. Would also recommend a good walk rather than staying in your room. I can't guarantee you won't not feel lonely but it's better than staying inside and movement will help you feel better. We all feel lonely in our lives but a better day will come. I sometimes feel like I deserve to feel bad things, but I'm doing all I can and I've made mistakes; we all have and it's important to keep going. 

Thanks Cub. I'm sorry you struggle too.

I do a rowing class once a week on Thursday after work. My doctor said moving it to Saturday might be a good idea to give me a reason to go out. I'd go both days if I could afford it. I don't know. In the end I go home after and still end up alone in a room.

[Guest PaulM]

On 24/06/2018 at 23:30, Atlantis said:

I posted up recently about emotional attachments to people - no replies but check it out and see if you can relate.. 

Hobby wise I do mountain biking, and I find I'd much rather be in the forest sending it down the trail with good music in my ears away from everyone else, if you live in Canada you're in MTB paradise! 

I will check out your post. Thanks.

Yeah, I'm not too far away from the rocky mountains. When I was younger we'd go riding there often. I used to be a bicycle mechanic so it was always easy to find things to do with people.

[Guest PaulM]

On 23/06/2018 at 06:31, Em00 said:

I think ocd can be a very isolating condition. I've isolated myself hugely (because of my beliefs about myself) and do struggle with that. I go to a mental health social group which helps and I try and do things that interest me to distract. 

Hi Em00. Sorry you are impacted this way too. It's good you have a social group.

How do you motivate yourself to do things that interest you?

[Em00]

I find my loneliness isn't directly related to how many people I have around me, it's more to do with my thoughts about myself and others. When I'm feeling OK I very much enjoy my own company. But when I'm low and obsessing a lot, the fact I have few people around me can leave me feeling very isolated. 

On 27/06/2018 at 17:57, PaulM said:

Hi Em00. Sorry you are impacted this way too. It's good you have a social group.

How do you motivate yourself to do things that interest you?

I also have Aspergers so I tend to get very hyper focused on my interests and can get lost in them, I'm lucky I suppose in that respect. But when I'm depressed too it can be very hard to find colour or interest in anything much...