Keeps getting worse

[PolarBear]

You'll keep feeling this way so long as you keep doing the same things. Five years, ten years... the choice is up to you.

[dksea]

1 hour ago, don't know said:

It's difficult because I think when I start to trust its OCD it proves its not OCD, if that makes sense. 

OCD is a disorder that causes sufferers to experience doubt and the inability to feel "sure" of certain thoughts.  Its 100% normal for an OCD sufferer to doubt they have OCD, because again, the problem is doubt.

However, nothing you have ever posted or explained as "proof its not OCD" has ever been that.  All the examples you have given that I have seen are, in fact, the opposite, standard examples of OCD behavior.  They are the exact opposite of what you keep assuming they are.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, you are very bad at recognizing and evaluating OCD symptoms.  Thats not a failing on your part, as I said, its quite common for OCD sufferers to have this problem recognizing OCD.  

If you want to get better you have to make a choice to believe its OCD, EVEN WHEN you feel doubt that it is.  We all face this.
When I was struggling with self harm fears, I would face this.  "But what if its NOT OCD, then I could really hurt myself!  Shouldn't I do something about it??  Shouldn't I call 911 (emergency number in the US) or something?!?"  The fear felt real, I could come up with "reasons" I thought my behavior was "different" from OCD, that maybe JUUUUUUST maybe this time it WAS real, it wasn't OCD.  And a few times I gave in to my fears.  I would go to the urgent care, I would call my parents or drive to their house so I wouldn't be alone.  One time, early on, I took every slightly sharp object in my entire apartment, locked them up in an old toolbox, took the toolbox down stairs to the storage room on the first floor of my building and locked the knives in that room.  It was utterly ridiculous, if I'd REALLY wanted to harm myself there were numerous other ways I could have, I wasn't actually any safer, but I gave in to the OCD fear.
How did I get better?  I trusted my therapy, I trusted my therapist, I trusted my parents when they all told me "its just OCD".  Even when I was scared, I treated it as OCD.  it still felt scary real.  There were times I was almost convinced it was real and I should do something, but I made the choice to stop myself.  I made the choice to take the risk that it was just OCD.  It was hard, it was scary, it took time.  But I got better.

I am sorry that you feel you can not relate to other people here.  I wish you could, I wish you could see how startlingly similar to all of us you really are.  I can't change how you feel by telling you this, but I can absolutely relate to some of the fears and doubts you are experiencing.  The specific fears might be different (incest vs self harm, though I have had incest fears in the past too, though not as strong as yours apparently.).  But the pattern is the same, the "what if" its real and NOT OCD, at all or at least this time.

You get better by making a choice, then making that choice again and again and again, to treat this as OCD, because the people around you who can see clearly, who aren't blinded by the suffering that you are experiencing, are telling you thats what it is.  Even though you feel doubt, even though you sometimes think it MUST be true, because of X, Y or Z, you persevere and treat it as OCD.  You will always be able to say "but what if its not OCD...", always come up with this or that possible alternative scenario, but that doesn't mean its NOT OCD.  OCD is the most likely explanation, its the one that fits all the evidence, that makes the most sense.  Assume its OCD, even when you doubt it, its a choice you make not a feeling you feel.  Your feelings are affected by the disease, you can't completely trust them, doing so would be a mistake, the same way trusting someone who is losing their vision to guide you by sight would be a mistake.

As we've said before, recovery is making the right choice over and over again, its not a one time thing, its a process.  You can make the right choices, we can't make them for you.  But recovery is absolutely possible, most of us have been in deep like you are now and climbed out.  Your suffering now is real and awful, but it doesn't have to be permanent, thats up to you.

[don't know]

I don't even test - it just appears. Tonight I had really really bad anxiety. It just felt so true and I couldn't escape it. I felt like even if I had seen this years ago before I was worried about it I would still relate to it. I was shaking and felt like I was going to pass out. Then of course it all comes in just this feeling of being a fool and like I'm just in denial. I was panicked by 'apparently' because it made me think am I lying to myself and others? I feel as though people know. I'm sorry I know it wasn't intentional; it's just certain words like that freak me out now. I'm just really scared. 

Edited September 6, 2019 by don't know

[malina]

8 hours ago, don't know said:

I don't even test - it just appears. Tonight I had really really bad anxiety. It just felt so true and I couldn't escape it. I felt like even if I had seen this years ago before I was worried about it I would still relate to it. I was shaking and felt like I was going to pass out. Then of course it all comes in just this feeling of being a fool and like I'm just in denial. I was panicked by 'apparently' because it made me think am I lying to myself and others? I feel as though people know. I'm sorry I know it wasn't intentional; it's just certain words like that freak me out now. I'm just really scared. 

Hey DK, sorry you had such an awful night 

I think what you said here about freaking out when you saw the word "apparently" is a really good example about how you take bits of information out of context. Out of all of the things dksea wrote there, you honed in on that one word and I really doubt he meant to suggest that he didn't believe you. I've seen you do this with other posts as well. So if you're doing this on here, think about how much you must do this in everyday life. I bet you (unintentionally) pick apart information to find details that confirm your fears and disregard the context. I'm not saying that you do this intentionally or that it's your fault, it's how your mind is wired and the fear is making you do that, but spotting these cognitive distortions is important, because they are misleading you. 

[don't know]

I understand that, it's really annoying because I keep thinking am I lying to myself? Do people think I'm lying? It's really stressful. I apologise for this. I've just had an awful time the past couple of days where I've just been so stressed out to the point where I've felt sick. All these things keep playing on a loop in my head and I can't deal with it. 

[malina]

1 hour ago, don't know said:

I understand that, it's really annoying because I keep thinking am I lying to myself? Do people think I'm lying? It's really stressful. I apologise for this. I've just had an awful time the past couple of days where I've just been so stressed out to the point where I've felt sick. All these things keep playing on a loop in my head and I can't deal with it. 

Do you have anyone you can be with when you're feeling really stressed like this? I understand that it is difficult speaking with your family but sometimes just having company really helps. Maybe you just need to be with someone you feel comfortable with and do something to take your mind off of all this. Go round your parents and watch a film and eat cake? That's what I do when I'm feeling really awful. 

Also, how could you possibly be lying to yourself? You spend every single day convincing yourself that it's all true and refuse to believe otherwise. In fact, I'd say that you are lying to yourself but it's not about sexual deviancy being your true nature, the lie is that you believe you don't have OCD and that all your fears are true. I also really doubt that anybody thinks you are lying - we are all desperately trying to convince you of the opposite when you refuse to believe it! 

I understand that you don't want to seek help, that is your decision and you have to be the one to take the step, nobody can make you. I also understand that, right now, you don't see yourself being convinced that your fears are untrue. I think that is wrong, but everyone moves at their own pace. The thing is that I believe in you, I am completely certain that you have OCD and nothing can convince me otherwise. I also believe that eventually you will come to your senses and see that you need help. 

 

[dksea]

On 07/09/2019 at 08:47, don't know said:

I don't even test - it just appears. Tonight I had really really bad anxiety. It just felt so true and I couldn't escape it.

First, I'm sorry you had a bad anxiety episode, those suck, I've been there.  But you do test, you've said so yourself, you test a lot.  Going to these "other sites", etc.  That doesn't mean every problem you have is ONLY when you test though.  Yes you need to stop the testing compulsion, but that alone is not going to stop the anxiety.

And yes, the anxiety feels real, feels true, the things we fear we can become convinced its a real worry.  Thats how OCD works.  Again, that the anxiety and worries feel real doesn't mean it IS real.  If it didn't feel real OCD wouldn't be a problem, we'd all be able to ignore our worries when they pop up.  The whole problem is how real it feels.
 

On 07/09/2019 at 08:47, don't know said:

I was panicked by 'apparently' because it made me think am I lying to myself and others?

Apparently was meant to reflect that your anxiety about this exceeds what my own anxiety about incest was, thats all.  I don't doubt you have very real anxiety about this issue, that your problems are real.  Malina is right though, honing in on single words like that is part of the problem, you focus on only the parts that confirm your fears and ignore everything else, including when we tell you that what you THINK confirms your fears or is "not OCD" is, in fact, completely normal for an OCD sufferer.
 

3 hours ago, malina said:

In fact, I'd say that you are lying to yourself but it's not about sexual deviancy being your true nature, the lie is that you believe you don't have OCD and that all your fears are true. I also really doubt that anybody thinks you are lying - we are all desperately trying to convince you of the opposite when you refuse to believe it! 

YUP!  Spot on!  100%

DK, if I thought that you were a liar I'd have stopped responding a loooooooooong time ago.  I keep responding because I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have OCD.  I can feel that confident because my OCD isn't about you or your situation, when it comes to those observations my vision is not tainted by the doubting disease.  Unfortunately yours is.  You need to accept that this is something you are not in a position to judge well and start relying on the judgment of others.  Your vision is tainted, time to stop treating it as the authoritative source!

[don't know]

I don't have anyone to talk to about this because its a bit awkward to talk about. The thing is that because I've read all of this stuff I've found out that denial can run so deep to the point you don't know. 

Thanks, they are the worst. It's still playing around in my mind. I never considered that testing but it makes sense. The only thing is maybe if I get help and the anxiety fades and the fear turns out to be true, I would be devastated. I see stuff like OCD won't be able to stop the worst from happening etc and that panics me as well. 

Again, I'm so sorry about freaking out over that word, I know you never meant to panic me. 

[dksea]

4 hours ago, don't know said:

The thing is that because I've read all of this stuff I've found out that denial can run so deep to the point you don't know. 

Even if that kind of denial is real, that doesn't mean you have it.  The trouble with that line of thinking is you can apply it to ANYTHING.  Are you a murderer?  No, you say.  What if you are in denial?  Are you really a man just pretending to be a woman?  No, you say.  What if you are in denial?  Are you secretly a North Korean spy?  No, you say.  What if you are in denial?

Can you find examples of the thing you fear coming true?  Sure.  Does that mean the thing is likely to be true? Nope.  I can find an example of someone who died of a heart attack.  That doesn't mean I will die of a heart attack.  I can even find similarities in their life and mine.  I can find men around my age who died of heart attacks.  I can find people who liked the same foods I do.  I can find people who had some of the same hobbies.  But guess what? I can find men around my age who haven't had a heart attack, and men much older who never did.  I can find people who like the same foods I do that never had a heart attack.  Or people who had the same hobbies.  I can find more people like me who HAVENT had a heart attack than have.  So why would I only focus on the ones who have?  Thats an unscientific and illogical approach.  For all those stories you read about people supposedly being in denial, what about all the times a person had a thought, never acted on it, let it go and lived their life in peace?  You are not looking at this situation in a rational and logical manner, which is understandable because its a very emotionally challenging situation to be in.

There is a perfectly rational, reasonable, non-denial based explanation for all of your symptoms and behavior, called OCD.  It basically explains everything you are dealing with including the doubt.  Its simpler and more logically sound than the supposed denial of your "true nature".

If you are in denial about anything its that this is OCD, a simpler, cleaner answer.  You need to make the choice to accept that this is OCD, which doesn't mean you will never feel doubt about that diagnosis or anything else, you'll still feel doubt.  The difference is you can start making more choices to work towards recovery rather than continuing to dig yourself deeper and deeper in to this hole.  Why not try?  What have you got to lose??

[malina]

12 hours ago, don't know said:

The only thing is maybe if I get help and the anxiety fades and the fear turns out to be true, I would be devastated. I see stuff like OCD won't be able to stop the worst from happening etc and that panics me as well. 

The likelihood of your fear coming true is very low, but I understand that even a small chance leaves you feeling like it will happen so let's think about that for a minute. So you get help and your fear turns out to be true, what exactly do you think is going to happen? Have you ever considered that people with sexual disorders can get treatment too, especially someone like you who truly doesn't want to do these things. If you went to therapy and your fear came true, sure you'd be devastated but you could get support and help to control these urges and have a normal and healthy relationship with someone. 

Besides, if it all came out to be true, you'd be devastated once, yet now you are devastated every single day, non-stop. 

[don't know]

I feel like I have everything to lose that's the thing. It just feels like everything is one big lie - I'm exhausted, depressed, just over it. It's like all these little things. For some reason tarot card readings kept appearing so I clicked on one and watched it. Literally the first thing that came up was a deep secret will come to light. I freaked out and then watched a ton more to see if it was commonality amongst them all. It's so stupid because I don't believe in all of that but it still freaked me out.  

I know that the denial thing seems really silly but I have had people in my life that have been in denial about many things - illness etc and they have all followed the same pattern as me in thinking process as well as the online sites and forums I visit. I feel like I don't care if its true and actually want that to be the case now. I didn't even feel anything when I typed that out. 

I understand but it's just the feeling that it's always been there ever since I was young and I'm just lying to myself is the worst. I don't think I would ever be able to move on from it. It's not like you can change yourself so I would have to live with it. I don't think I could live with myself.

[malina]

25 minutes ago, don't know said:

I feel like I have everything to lose that's the thing. It just feels like everything is one big lie - I'm exhausted, depressed, just over it. It's like all these little things. For some reason tarot card readings kept appearing so I clicked on one and watched it. Literally the first thing that came up was a deep secret will come to light. I freaked out and then watched a ton more to see if it was commonality amongst them all. It's so stupid because I don't believe in all of that but it still freaked me out.  

I used to do this too when I was younger, not with tarot cards but with palmistry. I was scared to look at hands of people I knew or celebrities who had done the thing I was afraid of because I thought if we had similarities in our palms, that would mean that I would do it too. But honestly, palmistry, tarot, astrology, it's all a load of made up nonsense. Moreover, it's all very general so that everyone relates to it in some way.

25 minutes ago, don't know said:

I know that the denial thing seems really silly but I have had people in my life that have been in denial about many things - illness etc and they have all followed the same pattern as me in thinking process as well as the online sites and forums I visit.

You are in denial about illness though! You do have an illness, OCD, and you are denying that you have it. 

Edited September 11, 2019 by malina

[don't know]

I know, I really don't believe in that type of stuff. It just kept coming up so it got the better of me.

I know people keep saying its OCD but it just doesn't feel like it. I ended up on all these OCD pages and I kept thinking if it was OCD I would still be able to do this; I don't even think I match up with the general description of OCD and I feel like I have no compulsions. It just all feels so true though and like I'll never know. When something to do with my thoughts gets mentioned my face turns red and I'm like if I'm reacting to it because it must mean that I'm denial about my true nature. 

[malina]

1 hour ago, don't know said:

I know, I really don't believe in that type of stuff. It just kept coming up so it got the better of me.

I know people keep saying its OCD but it just doesn't feel like it. I ended up on all these OCD pages and I kept thinking if it was OCD I would still be able to do this; I don't even think I match up with the general description of OCD and I feel like I have no compulsions. It just all feels so true though and like I'll never know. When something to do with my thoughts gets mentioned my face turns red and I'm like if I'm reacting to it because it must mean that I'm denial about my true nature. 

I know you feel this way. It’s just that all these people with OCD are sitting here telling you: we understand you, we think like you, we have similar fears to yours. You really fit the criteria of OCD in every way and all the evidence you think means you don’t have OCD is just further evidence of it being OCD. 

[dksea]

5 hours ago, don't know said:

I feel like I have no compulsions.

Checking is a compulsion, you do this often by visiting other pages and reading peoples stories to see if you can 'relate'.
Testing is a compulsion, you do this often by your own admission by thinking about how you feel in any given situation and if you feel 'right'
Reassurance seeking is a compulsion, you do this by visiting forums like this where you post about how you are feeling and seeking a response from others confirming/denying your fears
Rumination is a compulsion, constantly thinking about and analyzing this situation rather than simply moving on with your life one way or the other.

Thats four very common, very obvious compulsions that I can identify based on your posts here alone.  Its likely/possible you have other compulsions that you are either unaware of or don't realize are compulsions.

Doubting that it is OCD isn't proof its OCD, but doubting its OCD is also not at all uncommon for people who have OCD, because thats what OCD does, it makes us doubt.
 

4 hours ago, malina said:

When something to do with my thoughts gets mentioned my face turns red and I'm like if I'm reacting to it because it must mean that I'm denial about my true nature. 

If you are afraid of something or find the thought of something uncomfortable you have a negative reaction.  Thats true of everyone, but its especially true of OCD sufferers.  My sister has a fear of spiders, even the mention of spiders makes her uncomfortable.   You have a fear of secretly wanting to commit incest, so of COURSE someone talking about/mentioning that topic is going to make you uncomfortable.  If you didn't feel uncomfortable with it, there wouldn't be a problem.  I'm not in to incest, its not my personal worry, so when someone mentions it I basically have no reaction.  Its no big deal, its not important to me.  Its faulty logic to assume that because you have a negative reaction to a trigger that means your fear is true.  If that were the case every single OCD sufferers fears would be true because this is exactly what happens when we have intrusive thoughts, we get a negative reaction, thats the whole problem, not just a negative reaction but a significant negative reaction!
 

4 hours ago, malina said:

I know people keep saying its OCD but it just doesn't feel like it.

I'm not sure what you expect OCD to feel like, but again everything you describe about your situation, everything you describe about how you feel, how you react, etc. all matches with OCD.  The doubt, the anxiety, the distress, the discomfort, that is all par for the course with OCD. I dunno, maybe it would help if you described what you think OCD should feel like and why you think you don't fit that?  Perhaps that would be a good way forward.

[don't know]

I don't know, I have this thing because I've spent five years being on OCD forums, sites, reading books about OCD I wouldn't be surprised that I've brainwashed myself into thinking that what I'm dealing with is OCD. When I read stories about other people's experience with OCD I can't relate at all, because it's always like I had one thought and then everything just started happening but I still knew deep down it wasn't OCD because there is no real proof of it before. Whereas with me it feels like there's tons of proof, the complication with diagnosis and just not caring anymore. I don't fit the typical OCD suffer and it's like I saw a comment about maybe taking a few years to discover who you 'truly are' on one of these other websites, I wasn't  anxious I just felt like that was me. 

Edited September 13, 2019 by don't know

[paradoxer]

If you're so convinced you don't have OCD, why keeping posting here? - you might as well stop. 

[malina]

I think the point dksea made, asking you what you think OCD is and why you believe that you don't fit the criteria, is a really good one. What do you understand OCD to be? 

[don't know]

I know it's just I feel as though this is the only place where I can say how I really feel. Also, I kind of don't want to rehash everything somewhere else. 

I tried to explain how I view OCD in my previous post but it doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Obviously in OCD books they say you have obsessions which are intrusive thoughts, images etc. Here's the thing it's not like they just appear in my head - I'll see something, hear it or just be thinking and then I'll think it's probably true. It's like today, I was sitting on the bus next to my dad and there wasn't enough room so he was slightly leaning on me and the whole time I was thinking 'Do I like this?' and I was getting those feelings of 'enjoyment' it was awful. That's disgusting to say. But that wasn't intrusive. I'm also panicked whenever I'm in crowded places because if someone bumps into me by accident or anything I get this feeling and then I'm like it's all real. I can't imagine it ever going away and I feel as though theres other instances in my life where this has happened. 

The compulsions are things you do to get rid of the anxiety. I look up things on websites and see if I can relate or have gone through a similar experience to people like this. I go on and it turns out its a lengthy process filled with denial and confusion. That is exactly what I'm doing with this towering evidence. My anxiety doesn't go down but most of the time I don't feel any anxiety and I have a feeling of indifference. I can't pinpoint whether they would be compulsions because someone in my situation would be doing these same things such as - looking up things online etc to see if this is who they actually are. 

[malina]

2 hours ago, don't know said:

I know it's just I feel as though this is the only place where I can say how I really feel. Also, I kind of don't want to rehash everything somewhere else. 

I tried to explain how I view OCD in my previous post but it doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Obviously in OCD books they say you have obsessions which are intrusive thoughts, images etc. Here's the thing it's not like they just appear in my head - I'll see something, hear it or just be thinking and then I'll think it's probably true. It's like today, I was sitting on the bus next to my dad and there wasn't enough room so he was slightly leaning on me and the whole time I was thinking 'Do I like this?' and I was getting those feelings of 'enjoyment' it was awful. That's disgusting to say. But that wasn't intrusive. I'm also panicked whenever I'm in crowded places because if someone bumps into me by accident or anything I get this feeling and then I'm like it's all real. I can't imagine it ever going away and I feel as though theres other instances in my life where this has happened. 

The compulsions are things you do to get rid of the anxiety. I look up things on websites and see if I can relate or have gone through a similar experience to people like this. I go on and it turns out its a lengthy process filled with denial and confusion. That is exactly what I'm doing with this towering evidence. My anxiety doesn't go down but most of the time I don't feel any anxiety and I have a feeling of indifference. I can't pinpoint whether they would be compulsions because someone in my situation would be doing these same things such as - looking up things online etc to see if this is who they actually are. 

I think it's important to remember that books cannot go into the nuances of how a person really feels, they give you a general overview of the symptoms and the types of behaviours that occur.

To me, what you have described as your experience sounds exactly like OCD. So when all of us with this condition tell you, this sounds like what we experience, why don't you believe that?

Or when you say that you don't do compulsions and then someone lists the compulsions that are evident in your post. Again, why not believe that?

Edited September 14, 2019 by malina

[don't know]

I don't believe it because whenever I think maybe this is just OCD is shows itself not to be. 

[malina]

4 hours ago, don't know said:

I don't believe it because whenever I think maybe this is just OCD is shows itself not to be.

Edited September 15, 2019 by malina

[malina]

4 hours ago, don't know said:

I don't believe it because whenever I think maybe this is just OCD is shows itself not to be. 

 

[PolarBear]

8 hours ago, don't know said:

I don't believe it because whenever I think maybe this is just OCD is shows itself not to be. 

No, it doesn't. Your mind yells at you that it is not, but you have yet to understand that everything OCD says is a lie. You don't understand that and you choose to believe it. You can choose differently.

[dksea]

On 15/09/2019 at 04:04, don't know said:

Obviously in OCD books they say you have obsessions which are intrusive thoughts, images etc. Here's the thing it's not like they just appear in my head - I'll see something, hear it or just be thinking and then I'll think it's probably true.

In other words, the thought "its probably true" pops in to your head.  But what you have described is exactly what I experience as an OCD sufferer.  Triggers are a common source of problems for OCD sufferers, its why avoidance is a common compulsion.  My primary OCD fear when I first had OCD 26 years ago was throwing up, especially in public.  Very often it would bother me the most when I heard something, or saw something, or THOUGHT I heard or saw something related to that fear.    OCD isn't just walking around minding your own business then suddenly BLAMO "OMG I MIGHT GET CANCER" pops in to your head and you start to react.  More often than not the intrusive thought IS triggered by something related you see/hear/think about.
 

On 15/09/2019 at 04:04, don't know said:

It's like today, I was sitting on the bus next to my dad and there wasn't enough room so he was slightly leaning on me and the whole time I was thinking 'Do I like this?' and I was getting those feelings of 'enjoyment' it was awful. That's disgusting to say. But that wasn't intrusive.

Its definitely intrusive.  Intrusive means you don't want it and it won't go away.  If a genie gave you the ability to wish that you would NEVER have thoughts like that again you'd take it right?  You'd rather sit next to your dad and NOT have the thought "Do I like this?" right?  Its an intrusive thought because you don't want it, you don't like it.  Thats all it means to be intrusive.  So yup, your thoughts on the bus were intrusive thoughts.

 

On 15/09/2019 at 04:04, don't know said:

I'm also panicked whenever I'm in crowded places because if someone bumps into me by accident or anything I get this feeling and then I'm like it's all real.

Again, this is completely in line with OCD.  You are experiencing distress about situations because of the thoughts/feelings/images you might have, its called anticipatory anxiety.  Further, thinking "that means its real" is common to OCD.  I've had those exact same kind of reactions, those exact same types of feelings about my own anxieties before.  

 

 

On 15/09/2019 at 04:04, don't know said:

The compulsions are things you do to get rid of the anxiety. I look up things on websites and see if I can relate or have gone through a similar experience to people like this. I go on and it turns out its a lengthy process filled with denial and confusion. That is exactly what I'm doing with this towering evidence. My anxiety doesn't go down but most of the time I don't feel any anxiety and I have a feeling of indifference.

Compulsions are done in response to intrusive thoughts to TRY and reduce anxiety, but they become habitual behaviors and lose their ability to even do that much over time.  But its not just acute anxiety that compulsions reduce, its discomfort, general anxiety, anticipatory anxiety, feeling not "right", etc.  Part of the problem you seem to have is pigeonholing OCD into very limited specific boxes, focusing only on single words and if it doesn't match 100% with that specific scenario you declare that it is therefore not at all OCD.  Its very black or white thinking, its not very helpful, and its also very common for OCD sufferers.

Going on to sites to see if you can relate is a checking compulsion, that you've done it so many times demonstrates that.  It can be a lengthy process, but its not always lengthy.  
 

On 15/09/2019 at 04:04, don't know said:

I can't pinpoint whether they would be compulsions because someone in my situation would be doing these same things such as - looking up things online etc to see if this is who they actually are. 

Someone who has mild flu can have a fever.  Someone who has ebola can also have a fever.  Saying that it must be ebola because people with ebola have a fever isn't logical.  A fever can also be the flu, and the flu is FAR more likely.  Especially if you have other flu symptoms and not all the symptoms of ebola.

You have all the symptoms of OCD.  I believe you 100% when you say you don't feel like it is OCD.   How you feel is how you feel.  But how you feel does not mean thats what is true.  

Lets say you send a text message to your friend.  Lets say they don't respond for awhile.  You might feel like they hate you. Later it turns out they left their phone at home and so didn't see your text message until much later, when they did respond.  They didn't hate you.  Your feeling was real, but it wasn't true.

So you might feel like its not OCD, but that doesn't mean its not OCD.  You seem to have some very specific, and very narrow, understanding of what OCD is and how it affects people.  We are trying to help you understand that your understanding of OCD is incomplete/misguided.  There are multiple of us here with decades of experience dealing with OCD, and we are all telling you that everything you describe fits OCD, that OCD explains all the problems you are having.  And consider, we get absolutely nothing if we are right.  We don't get royalty checks from OCD doctors if you go and see them.  Our sole reason for trying to convince you to treat this as OCD is because we want to help you.  We have no reason to lie, we gain nothing from doing so.  Meanwhile if you do, in fact, have OCD, it would be perfectly normal for you to doubt you have OCD.  Simply by having the disorder it would explain your reluctance to believe it.  Its frustrating, absolutely, but its still true.  We are offering you a path to a better life, its a hard path at times, but its there.  We are doing all this, spending all this time posting, because we want you to have a better life, because you are suffering and you don't need to be.  I hope you will consider that and I hope you will let us help you.