Morals ignored, now i am bad person

[Ironborn]

Hello all!

Since yesterday I have been having more issues with my OCD, for the following reason.

I have been a vegan for 2 years now, and i do this purely for the sake of the animals. I always try to be very attentive to this, but yesterday something happened that gave me a lot of fear. Because I was sitting on the couch eating a bowl of Soy yogurt and fruit, I had a baby biscuit on my magazine for my son (1 year old) which in my opinion contained animal ingredients. While eating my yoghurt I picked up the magazine and noticed all crumbs that fell off, some of which fell in the yogurt. Now I was in an internal debate, am I throwing that entire bowl away now? or do I just eat it because it's just a few crumbs?

I just ate it at the time, but also to challenge my OCD because I knew it would flare up (exposure). within a couple of minutes after I had eaten the dish, I panicked and felt enormously guilty, I then went to an American vegan facebook group, and told my story there. I received a few very angry reactions, such as that it was f *** up that I knowingly ate that bowl of yoghurt knowing that crumbs had ended up in it, and that I was not vegan because I chose to do it anyway.

Now I feel really worthless since then, and a failed vegan. While I do my best to do everything right!

Especially those people who reacted so hard have really scared me, and now I am convinced that I am a bad person and have thrown away my moral and ethical values for my own own sake, this hurts so much!

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi ironborn

I think you know those extreme reactions were crazy. Put this behind you and move on. 

[dksea]

10 hours ago, Ironborn said:

I then went to an American vegan facebook group, and told my story there. I received a few very angry reactions, such as that it was f *** up that I knowingly ate that bowl of yoghurt knowing that crumbs had ended up in it, and that I was not vegan because I chose to do it anyway.

First, those people are judgmental jerks.  Ignore them.  They are almost as bad as OCD at demanding absolute perfection and purity to be considered good enough.
Second, going on the forum to tell your story was a compulsion, and I think you know that.  
 

10 hours ago, Ironborn said:

now I am convinced that I am a bad person and have thrown away my moral and ethical values for my own own sake, this hurts so much!

One of the ways OCD causes us pain is by demanding absolutes; unreasonable, possibly unachievable, absolutes.  The world is not divided into people who have upheld their moral and ethical values with absolute perfection and those who have completely thrown them away.  Its not that black and white.  Context matters, degree matters.  Punching someone in the arm enough to cause them some pain is a bad thing to do.  Slaughtering hundreds of people because you don't like something about them (religion, gender, ethnicity, etc.) is a bad thing to do.  These things are not remotely the same.  A person who does the first is not bad in the same way a person who does the second is, its not even close.  Right now you are feeling an extreme reaction because of OCD, but that reaction is vastly disproportionate to the event that actually happened.  At worst you made a very very very very very minor transgression against a set of rules that you have chosen to live by.  Guess what?  You can still live by those rules.  You can still do your best to live a vegan lifestyle.  Its not an all or nothing sort of thing, where either you adhere to it 100% always for all eternity, no exceptions ever.  If that were the case its likely there would be no one who meets the criteria.  And holding yourself to those insanely strict standards doesn't do you or anyone else any good.  The only thing served by that is your OCD, and you don't want to serve OCD.

[paradoxer]

Typical OCD rubbish, as though a mental disorder were the arbiter of morality. Those vegans at the meeting are ***holes.

So we have your unnecessary 'confession', no doubt on some level seeking reassurance, backfiring. I will say this in slight mitigation for those judgmental fools. It's also human nature, if one person appears to believe that something is important - i.e. you - the falling crumbs - to infuse suggestibility, to plant the idea of the same importance in others. *

Next time, don't ritualize, and dismiss the overwrought 'righteousness' of fools. 

* common, but not often vocalized. Of course OCD does the very same to oneself. 

Edited February 18, 2020 by paradoxer

[Closed for repairs]

And let's be fair you are not very good at being bad, if what you are worried about is eating some crumbs and compromising your vegan purity, you can always start again.

You are not exactly Hannibal Lector, material!