Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Livelovelaugh

How can I support my 14 year daughter?

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone,I'm new to the forum and I can't tell you how happy and relieved I am to have found you...I love my daughter so much but I feel terribly lonely at times! 

My dad 'experimented' with self harming back in year 8 ( she now yr 10) then started to show OCD traits but again we thought it was just a teenage phase until the OCD/anxiety manifested themselves on the plate which very rapidly turned into an ED ..after 7 months of hell my baby is home ...her physical health isn't at risk anymore but the OCD/anxiety are still there and stopping her from taking part in any social situation ...she's under camhs and school is trying to help too. At home it's the constant questions that are making me crumble insible , she is forever watching every single one of my move , ' did you find what you want mum' 'did you get something out of the drawer' what did you put in bin' ...   it is constant and very wearing... I know it isn't her fault and I keep reassuring her that I love her but won't let the OCD take control and will not answer the OCD questions ...what can I do to help her? This is all so new to me and I feel lost XXX  

Share this post


Link to post

Thanks for the link 😊 ...this weekend has been so hard for me (so I can imagine it was even harder for my daughter 😢) ...the constant stream of questions ...about rubbish and items taken from drawers which starts as soon as I am out of bed and throughout the day ...I can feel the pressure building in  both her and me ...she had 2 meltdowns one on Friday night and one on Saturday ...I wish she'd accept the meds but the team she's under have told her no one can force her to take them ...it must be so draining for her 😢😢 

Share this post


Link to post

It sounds really tough. 

I can't offer much in the way of advice but reach out to the charity via the contact pages they have some support available for young people and parents. Try and learn what you can about OCD again check out the charity shop for recommended resources. 

My understanding is that your being strong against the OCD questions is the right thing to do, can't imagine that is easy.

Take care of yourselves and I hope things improve soon 

Share this post


Link to post

Hi there Livelovelaugh :)

I'm really sorry to hear how much your daughter is struggling day to day, I know also how draining that can be on loved ones. Is your daughter currently receiving any CBT through CAMHS?

Gemma

Share this post


Link to post

@Lollipop thank you ... I will...it's half term next week so hopefully I can do some more ground work and give my gorgeous daughter the best support. 

@Gemma@OCDUK yes, she is under CAMHS. Thankfully it all went very quickly once she refused dietician support she was referred and seen within a week. She's been with the team since April .  

Shehas 1:1 2,3 times a week depending on team's availability...not sure what will happen with the 2 week isolation starting Friday . 

Share this post


Link to post

It's great to hear that your daughter is having one to one CBT :) Does she feel like she's making progress?

Perhaps you could discuss, if you haven't already, being included in one of her therapy sessions so you can get an idea of how best to help your daughter day to day. Although you say you're new to OCD, it does sound like you've already got a good idea of how not to give reassurance while still giving support, which will be a massive help to your daughter in the long run :)

I'm not sure if you had a chance to attend our conference but the recordings from it will soon be available and there are a few presentations in our family focus area https://www.ocduk.org/conference/conference-map/family/ that might help. It might also help to show your daughter our OCD-UK Young Ambassador page https://www.ocduk.org/ocdukya/ which has lots of tips and personal stories by young people like her who are fighting OCD. 

Gemma

Share this post


Link to post

@Gemma@OCDUK thank you for your reassuring words ...I feel ( hope!) we might have turned a little corner ...last night the usual stream of qiestion was coming out of her mouth and my default answer 'do you know which item?'/'do you know which drawer?' , 'unless you formulate a precise question I can't answer' ...is that too 'harsh'? I know it's not her, I understand her brain is getting all sorts of error messages ...do let me know if there are better phrases ...thank you so so much for your support ☺️

Share this post


Link to post
11 minutes ago, Livelovelaugh said:

@Gemma@OCDUK thank you for your reassuring words ...I feel ( hope!) we might have turned a little corner ...last night the usual stream of qiestion was coming out of her mouth and my default answer 'do you know which item?'/'do you know which drawer?' , 'unless you formulate a precise question I can't answer' ...is that too 'harsh'? I know it's not her, I understand her brain is getting all sorts of error messages ...do let me know if there are better phrases ...thank you so so much for your support ☺️

Hi there Livelovelaugh :)

It sounds like your daughter is checking or asking for reassurance over and over again. Has she discussed compulsions with the team at CAMHS and how they keep OCD going? The aim would be not to give any reassurance at all to your daughter but this would be best talked through with the help of her therapist, so that it isn't a shock to her.

Gemma

Share this post


Link to post

Hi @Livelovelaugh, I am sorry to hear what you and your daughter are going through.  OCD is hard not just on those of us who have it, but our loved ones as well.  I first developed my OCD around 13, and I don't know where I would be now, some 26 years later, without the support of my parents.  She may not be able to express it or even realize it now, but she will be grateful for your help later on.  In the meantime, I want to thank you on her behalf as someone who has been there before.

Like your daughter I was very reluctant at first to take the medication, but it has been a huge help for me and Im so glad I agreed.  One thing that helped me accept it was to have it framed as being no different than a diabetic taking insulin, or an asthmatic using an inhaler.  Part of her body is not functioning properly, its not her fault, and it doesn't mean anything bad about her as a person, but the medication can help her body to function more like it used to, more like it should.  While each persons experience is different, having taken medication for OCD for almost 3 decades now I can say that it has allowed me to live a much more normal life, including going to school, university, having a career, and five years ago, fulfilling a dream of moving overseas (to Japan from the US) to live and work.  It hasn't been a perfect journey, and CBT was vital too, but the medication continues to play a big role in helping me.  Maybe sharing that with her will help her be more willing to try it.  She might also be more willing if you remind her that it doesn't have to be permanent either, if she decides she doesn't like it, you can come off the medicine too.  Some people use it only temporarily just to get back to stable ground.

I can imagine the reassurance seeking through questions that your daughter is doing would also wear you down.  The natural inclination of any loving parent is to try and prevent their child from distress.  However, as Gemma wisely (as always) mentions, this is a compulsion, and in the long run compulsions make things worse not better.  It was challenging for me at times, but my parents (especially my mom) learned to limit how much I could ask questions and seek reassurance.  I'm sure she did so based on discussions with my therapist and other advice from books.  Although it frustrated me and angered me at the time, in retrospect I can see that she was doing the right thing, and once I calmed down each time I saw that too.  Setting limits and sticking too them will ultimately help both you AND your daughter.  Definitely a great topic to discuss with her therapist and the CAMHS team.

Best of luck in your continued management of your daughters recovery.  Again, she is very lucky to have someone who cares for her and is willing to fight for her and get her the help she needs on her side.  You are a hero.

Share this post


Link to post

@Gemma@OCDUK great tip, thank you ...I think I need to be more informed about what goes on during the sessions ...they go for a walk (which is massive for M) but I never have any feedback/ next step forward/ homework.

 

@dkseathank you so much for taking the time to share your experience with me.  You mention your mum limiting how much you could ask questions and seek reassurance, I feel I need a discussion with the therapist does can agree on best way forward .

Thank you all so so much. Today was such a hard day at work ( being a teacher is not easy, being a teacher with covid is very difficult!) and reading your messages has made me feel a lot more positive about the next few days and how-to be better equipped. 

THANK YOU 😊

Share this post


Link to post
56 minutes ago, Livelovelaugh said:

@Lollipop I've tried to access the conferences and have enroled but I'm not able to view the videos. Do I need to do something else? Thank you. 

 

@Ashley Can you help with this please?

Share this post


Link to post
1 hour ago, Livelovelaugh said:

@Lollipop I've tried to access the conferences and have enroled but I'm not able to view the videos. Do I need to do something else? Thank you. 

 

 

20 minutes ago, Lollipop said:

@Ashley Can you help with this please?

The conference recordings will be freely available on the OCD-UK website in a few weeks. The reason you can't access them at the moment is just because they haven't been uploaded yet. Ashley is on it, so they should be there soon :)

Share this post


Link to post
On 24/10/2020 at 00:08, Livelovelaugh said:

@dkseathank you so much for taking the time to share your experience with me.  You mention your mum limiting how much you could ask questions and seek reassurance, I feel I need a discussion with the therapist does can agree on best way forward .

Sounds like a wise idea!  I think you are already doing a much better job at dealing with this than a lot of people!  Hopefully in time your daughters recovery progress will be more noticeable so you can see what a difference you are making in her life :)

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...