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My mind won. OCD, you win.

I wrote a post before saying how in the morning I was holding baby to say good morning, cradling him in my arms and I got anxious and asked my husband to take him - whilst taking him, I remember my hand and baby’s bottom touching via the transfer. I’m pretty sure I tried to move my hand away from him. I was ok for the moment however moments later - what ifs come flying in. What if you moved your hand towards his bottom instead ? What if you touched his bottom on purpose ect ect with a bad intention. I know the bad intention is not true I’d never do that despite what this monster is telling me.
 

Well, I tried not to hide - I really really did. I went downstairs and showed the baby some sensory flash cards, gave him a kiss.
 

He then started to cry and my husband was trying to put him to sleep although baby wasn’t settling. So whilst sitting on the sofa I said to my husband - I can try, I faced my fear.

Whilst rocking him, there were tons of thoughts that came in. Such as ‘oh no, his nappy area touched my chest’, ‘oh no I’m rocking using my hips’, ‘mind saying you like this’ I’m completely ignoring these thoughts. Well trying too ignore them and continue rocking him. I’m trying to speak to my husband about something else at the same time. 
 

Now the big part, usually we tap baby’s bottom/ or if you’re me his lower back / bottom (because of my fear) whilst rocking him but I’m trying not too this time and very very aware of what my left hand is doing - it’s like my mind was solely focused on that and I’m just trying so hard NOT to tap him and what happens? I tapped him. I tapped him. I didn’t want too and it happened. It happened. It happened. I lightly tapped his bottom whilst rocking him and I shouldn’t have because I was trying not to for goodness sakes. I didn’t want too.

Moment of panic sets in - why, why, why - I should not have done that.

All while, my husband doesn’t notice a thing whilst staring at me and talking. I’m there sweating buckets thinking what have I done. I leave my plate of lunch on the table and run upstairs.

I’m an awful person. I don’t expect anyone to reply to this. 

I’d like to go to dad now. I can’t cope with this anymore and would be much happier with him up above. 

Ocd, you won. Congratulations. And have left me even more doubtful of the incident in the morning of whether or not I did move my hand on purpose or not.

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Everyone - I’m really trying but I just can’t shake it off anymore and I feel like I’m nearing the finish line. 

How do I deal with this doubt of what IF I touched baby’s bottom whilst he was being transferred to his dad? 

If the intention wasn’t there, I don’t remember doing it and I am distressed by it - then does it actually matter? Is the rest irrelevant? I’m so scared and can’t do this anymore - it’s giving me a migraine.

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Hey Ma29,

I think I might be able to help you, as I had the EXACT same theme as you. The thing is: The more you try to avoid stuff like that and the more you try to “act good” and “act fine”, without any wrong intention, the more the intrusive thoughts come into your mind. And yes, I know exactly how it feels and on the meta level the situations these thoughts appear are always the same, just in a different context:

  1. Being in a situation, where you somehow have to touch your baby or where something unexpected happens, e.g., baby moves and touches you etc.
  2. Because of that, focusing on this very moment/situation you're in and have a hyper awareness of everything what's going on right now
  3. This hyper awareness now causes you to reminding yourself to act as carefully as possible, e.g., not touching your baby
  4. Whilst going to do the specific action you planned to do without any evil intent, get an intrusive thought (which can also be feelings or urges)
  5. The action you wanted to do, feels like, as if you had acted on the intrusive thought
  6. Ruminating about this in the aftermath and giving it a bigger meaning
  7. Convincing yourself of something awful during the rumination process (OCD hereby always convincing you of the worst of all possible explanations)
  8. Feeling Guilty and seeking for reassurance if this is normal

This basically sums all your situations up, exactly as it happened to me. I also have a baby daughter, and oh boy, it was horrible. For me, it was even worse, as I also had groinal responses here and then. Once I was out of these situations when I had an intrusive thought, while doing something, I was always like, “What the f…, just happened? Did I act on a wrong intention? Did I alter any movements, I would normally do, when I had the intrusive thought? Was this out of a sexual intent? Does this mean I'm a sexual predator in denial? Why did it felt enjoyable in the very moment? Does this mean I'm sexually attracted to children? Would I feel the same if this was my mother? Am I hypersexual?”. Basically a bunch of “What if's…?” and the nonsensical approach to give everything a bigger meaning, as if this could mean anything, which is absolutely not true!

And the more you fixate on that, the worse your situations get! It just gets worse, because this hyper awareness sickens every situation for you! The more you try to avoid these situations or acting carefully, the heavier the intrusive thoughts! I'm pretty sure you will come with the term “groinal response” in some weeks: Not because you are a horrible person, absolutely not, but because OCD attacked wrongly (by compulsions), makes everything just worse for one self.  The first time I read about parents that had “groinal responses”, I was like, “What? That would never happen to me. I'm glad my situation is much easier to handle”. Well, two months later, I also had to deal with groinal responses.

You know what the sad, yet funny thing about all of this is? All the situations before, you struggled heavily with, somehow become completely harmless in comparison to the newest situation you suffer right now from. That's the absurdity of OCD: Situation A happened, I struggled heavily, ruminated and was suicidal because of it. Then situation B happened shortly afterwards, and I was thinking back at situation A as if situation A was nothing and wished, that I could ruminate about situation A again, as situation B is much “worse”. Afterwards situation C into the game, and situation B magically became completely harmless, and I was again like “oh my god, I wish I had to struggle with situation B only, this would be so easy to handle, instead of this horrible situation C”. And so on and on.

When the object of your OCD's focus changes, you somehow get the non OCD look on all the previous events, where you can see the actual reality of these situations for what they are: Nothing you should even spend a second thinking about.

And no, this doesn't mean you acted on your thought, nor does it mean, that you in fact like sexually assaulting your baby or whatsoever. There is no bigger meaning, reason, or anything behind all of this. It just means you have OCD. Stop trying to look for answers, where there is no answer for. It's all rubbish and gibberish bulls...t, your OCD harasses you with.

You know what? Welcome to the club. You're not special. Almost every parent with OCD had to deal with intrusive thoughts of a harmful nature. The way to beat this, is as everyone said to ignore anything your OCD wants to feed you with. Just go on with your tasks you HAVE TO DO for your baby! You have to clean up your baby! You have to bathe your baby! Stop listening to your OCD making everything as if it's a taboo. Yeah, you have to touch the bottom here and then. That's normal. Every parent does need to do it, they just don't have this irrational fear of doing something inappropriately and continue with what they tried to do, even if it means, that you have to touch the private parts of your baby. Your OCD contextualizes every normal situation into something very dangerous in your mind and creates a very false reality. But there is no danger or harmful thing at all.

Everything you described, by the way, happened to me very similarly. Yes, I've read everything. Sometimes it felt like, as if you were my female version, haha. But there are in fact thousands of people with the exact same fear and OCD as you and me. Especially newly parents with OCD get this fairly often. Trust us: You're not special or a freak or anything else. Not at all, you're just suffering from anxiety. It's in fact I think maybe one of the most known OCD themes, as there are TONS of material regarding this. It's also a symptom of postpartum depression, if you didn't know that.

I hope giving you some kind of context helps you to understand how OCD really works for you and how this is super common among folks, that are parents (especially new parents).  

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By the way, my situations switched to same sex interactions in the aftermath and that was the point, where my OCD really attacked me the worst. You can read about it if you look at my post history. And yeah, obviously it “was the worst situation ever in comparison to the rest”. Bulls...t. Nothing was “bad” at all. And trust me. Your OCD will latch into other parts of your life as well. Once your children grow up, your OCD will find another theme to harass you with. That's what happened to me. Before I had children, I always thought I had some kind of illness or undetected cancer. I even arranged for a life insurance, as my OCD convinced me, that I'm on the edge of dying from a terminal illness. The term “terminal illness” was unbearable to hear for me.

Well, my point is: I had all themes one can imagine, so I know how awful each one of them feels. OCD hatches on everything you somehow value or fear. That's the reality of OCD. If OCD tells you anything truthfully at all, then only about what you fear, what matters to you, what you love, what you value and what you hate. Nothing else, nor anything about your personality, character, or reality in a negative sense.

OCD isn't a joke or something to handle the wrong way by giving into compulsions, as you do right now. You seem to be in a rabbit hole, which actually worries me, as I can see my past self in you. Untreated OCD can devastate your life and in the most extreme cases lead to extreme depression and suicidal thoughts and even worse, as I'm sadly experienced with this: I was suicidal because of OCD's nonsense, as it's so convincing. Yet, it's all an OCD lie. You need to understand this.

You're a new mother, and you do have family that loves you. For the sake of your loved ones, don't give up on you and try to get some help. Professional therapy helped me: I still have to deal with thoughts here and then about some stupid stuff, but at least I'm able to dismiss them after some time by myself. It becomes very easy to live with it in the aftermath, and the best of all: Your quality of lives improves drastically with not thoughts of self-hatred at all. Life gets fun again! Life is beautiful! Don't throw it away that easily. Give your self the help and conform you need. Self-Compassion is very important. Be kind to yourself.

Feel hugged. Really. I know the pain you go through.

Edited by discuccsant
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Given everything we've chatted about over the last few days, how to you think this confession thread is going to help you?  I'm also wondering if you thought that this would disappear today and that suddenly everything would be okay?

You also mentioned on another thread that you've had OCD since you were 16.  How/ what sort of things have been affected by your OCD and have you had any professional help in the past?

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This seems to be taking over my life completely. When I think one thing is over another comes into place.

My mind is now thinking of all these small isolated events where I’ve had a strange thought / sensation or shown affection to others.
 

As I can’t remember doing anything terrible I ruminate again and again thinking what if I did do xyz and can’t remember and then sit there justifying and thinking I definitely didn’t do this bad thing or this bad thing or this bad thing - so I’m ok.
 

However, then the cycle starts again, oh but years and years ago you vaguely recall this time where you did something normal  and got a thought at the same time so you’re bad. Or, you remember this moment being  making you feel uncomfortable so you’re bad. Then its, what if I am a bad person - what if I am a taboo subject person and the anxiety completely peaks. All while my whole life I don’t think I’ve ever hurt anyone intentionally but it’s the what ifs. 

I’m also having night terrors which isn’t helping about the same theme - so then when I wake up, it’s no surprise this is the first thing on my mind. 

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Hi @discuccsant Thanks so much for you’re advice and telling me about you’re experience - I truly appreciate this and hope that you’re ok. I’m glad you have overcome periods of ocd that you didn’t think were possible - it gives me hope. Your posts have helped me gain some perspective and I’ll try to re read them when I feel anxious. Thanks again

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14 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Given everything we've chatted about over the last few days, how to you think this confession thread is going to help you?  I'm also wondering if you thought that this would disappear today and that suddenly everything would be okay?

You also mentioned on another thread that you've had OCD since you were 16.  How/ what sort of things have been affected by your OCD and have you had any professional help in the past?

It won’t - you’re right . Looking back on it - I over reacted. I certainly don’t think it’s going to disappear but each time it comes back it hurts a little more. 

I think life events affect my ocd. My sister having a brain tumor, my dad dying of brain cancer whilst I’m pregnant and then having to give birth, my mum having psychotic depression. 
 

My ocd got started just after a Muslim school teacher told me I my parents would go to hell for not covering my head - she took me to the stove switched it on and made me hover my hands over it to feel the heat. That’s when this all started - where I got scared everything I did or thought was wrong. I’m certain this was the reason I got ocd.

In the past I have received CBT when I relapse and that’s what I’m doing right now but I can’t seem to snap out of it this time round. 

Edited by Ma29
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Hey Ma29,

ruminating about the past to find isolated events, which might indicate that you're in fact a sexual deviant or whatever. Classic. Did this as well. The more you ruminate, the worse your guilt and shame will get, as harmless stuff from your past seen with OCD goggles, will become suddenly awful in your eyes. Your past mistakes don't matter and don't explain anything regarding your current issues with your baby. It doesn't really matter what you ruminate about it, as the problem is in its very core ruminating and trying to make sense in all of it: It doesn't matter what OCD wants to tell you here, as there is no reasonable explanation at all for OCD related tuff. There is simply no, no matter how long you try to find one. Yeah, there might be here and then some “explanation”, but this will just lead to more and new doubts. You know, there is in fact one explanation, which is the only thing that matters: The anxiety you feel is simply a very good indicator, that you don't like to be a sexual predator and that you try to distance yourself as much as possible from it. Nothing else.

And I think that's the main issue right now, trying to give everything a meaning or explanation: And that's all due to the rumination part in all of this, which I think might be the worst compulsion, as this just makes things worse! You need to stop giving into these rumination compulsions, as they don't do you any good. You need to understand, that you don't need any explanation, as OCD itself in its very core is irrational. OCD is basically nitpicking everything in your life and throw every possible doubt at you, even though they don't make any sense objectively speaking. Yet, for the sufferer they make sense, and they take it, as if it's super important, when in fact, it's the absolute opposite. You need to realize that.

I gave you a perfect example and explanation of how parents and especially mothers with postpartum depression suffer from these exact intrusive thoughts. I even told you that I had to deal with the EXACT SAME issues as you, which TONS of parents with OCD in fact do. There are in fact so many support groups all over the internet and in your local region regarding this, because of how common it is. Postpartum depression with intrusive thoughts as symptoms is so extremely common and happens to both genders, that it is a mainstream thing. Despite all of this, you choose the worst of all path: Instead of taking what I and others told you as given and put an end to all of this, you continue to ruminate and try to give everything a meaning, which is simply self-destructive behavior.

Why don't you simply trust me and all the others, who explained to you in detail that all of this is simply OCD / a symptom of postpartum depression and nothing more? Your self-destructive rumination compulsions will make things just worse and won't give you the relief you're in search for. You won't find peace with ANY explanation. They won't give you peace, and you need to see this, before you can make any further adjustments. And if you can't see it by yourself, then just try to do as everybody tells you, by believing in our words and do as we told you:

1) Don't give the intrusive thoughts ANY kind of meaning. They have no.
2) Dismiss any kind of compulsion regarding your thoughts. There is no need for it.
3) Stop confessing every little incident, as if you require some kind of affirmation, that you're still a good person. They don't tell anything about you.
3) Focus on something differently and go on with your life. There is nothing you need to ruminate about.
4) Be happy.

I wish you the very best.

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I think you are very probably right, you have had an enormous amount of stress in your life, some huge life events to face.  These will all have provoked this anxiety response, and OCD is an anxiety disorder.  Similarly with this outrageous school teacher, this event could have tipped you into anxiety and made you fearful of your actions and thoughts.

The good news is that despite all of these things, OCD and anxiety are treatable.  Understanding how all of these recent and past traumas have affected you is good, it's made you feel vulnerable, afraid and out of control, hence you worry about feeling out of control.  It's all horrid and scary but despite that, the path forward is still as we've talked about over the last few days.  You have been trying to manage these fears and feelings by using compulsions and these compulsions are maintaining & sustaining the problem.......so you need to carry on trying to identify the hundreds of measures you're trying to use and work towards reducing them :)

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Hi @discuccsant

Thank you, that’s some great advice. You are right but it’s just the what ifs that scare me completely. I’m sure everyone has had weird moments we’re only human and it doesn’t make us bad people. Bad people are those who go out of their way to intentionally harm others and that’s not me.

I do want to ask you - you mention you have a child too - when you did combat your fears how did you do when actions were involved. For example in this very very moment - my husband is getting frustrated as he needs to work and I’m too scared to put baby to sleep. Anyway so I decide to give it a go. I put a cushion on my lap so he’s not touching me - I know COMPULSION. Then I rock him by moving my hips (I have an obsession about this as I don’t like the motion of my pelvis moving). Then he falls asleep and I ask my husband to pass me my phone. I move slightly and notice I automatically start rocking him by moving my hips back and forward again and when I notice I say but why am I doing that because he’s asleep - I don’t need to do that. And then I stop immediately and I now feel bad for it. 

 

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8 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

I think you are very probably right, you have had an enormous amount of stress in your life, some huge life events to face.  These will all have provoked this anxiety response, and OCD is an anxiety disorder.  Similarly with this outrageous school teacher, this event could have tipped you into anxiety and made you fearful of your actions and thoughts.

The good news is that despite all of these things, OCD and anxiety are treatable.  Understanding how all of these recent and past traumas have affected you is good, it's made you feel vulnerable, afraid and out of control, hence you worry about feeling out of control.  It's all horrid and scary but despite that, the path forward is still as we've talked about over the last few days.  You have been trying to manage these fears and feelings by using compulsions and these compulsions are maintaining & sustaining the problem.......so you need to carry on trying to identify the hundreds of measures you're trying to use and work towards reducing them :)

I know. I hope I can reduce them slowly. I’ve noticed little ones I’m doing - like putting a cushion in my lap when picking baby up so that we don’t touch. Or, not wanting to give my husband a tissue unless I’m near the baby’s head in case it hits his nappy area.. Or not being present at nappy changes or bath times. 

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2 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

I know. I hope I can reduce them slowly. I’ve noticed little ones I’m doing - like putting a cushion in my lap when picking baby up so that we don’t touch. Or, not wanting to give my husband a tissue unless I’m near the baby’s head in case it hits his nappy area.. Or not being present at nappy changes or bath times. 

All those things are avoidance compulsions--you're treating the possibility of coming into contact with your baby as if it's something so terrifying and awful that it must be avoided at all cost, and your brain is taking note. That avoidance is strengthening and strengthening the anxiety and the OCD circuit. 

Ma, I think I may have asked before, have you taken a look at Brain Lock yet?

Sending so many hugs!

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8 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

I ordered it the day you messaged me about it - Amazon are running late on delivery but it should be with me today. 
These are all compulsions you’re right / I am trying 

That's great! As soon as it arrives, take a look. I think you'll find it extremely helpful as to understanding why these thoughts and feelings are occurring.

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10 minutes ago, Saffron37 said:

All those things are avoidance compulsions--you're treating the possibility of coming into contact with your baby as if it's something so terrifying and awful that it must be avoided at all cost, and your brain is taking note. That avoidance is strengthening and strengthening the anxiety and the OCD circuit. 

18 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

I know. I hope I can reduce them slowly. I’ve noticed little ones I’m doing - like putting a cushion in my lap when picking baby up so that we don’t touch. Or, not wanting to give my husband a tissue unless I’m near the baby’s head in case it hits his nappy area.. Or not being present at nappy changes or bath times. 

 

Try and pick about six of those little ones that you've noticed, write them down in a list and starting today, do your best to work at resisting them.  Know that when you do your brain will start fighting back and you'll feel anxious.  Stick with it, work through that anxiety, know its cause.  Give it a go today and come back and tell us about your successes.  Don't come back to describe the negative thoughts and feelings (they will happen, so we already know that) identify what you've done well, little things you've achieved :)

18 minutes ago, Saffron37 said:

, I think I may have asked before, have you taken a look at Brain Lock yet?

If you have Brain Lock by all means start reading it.  Set yourself a time and read one chapter a day, they're not very long chapters.  However, I think a far better book is OCD, Anxiety & Related Depression by Lauren Callaghan which you can find HERE.  I've also just found a Podcast interviewing Auhors/ex-sufferer Lauren & Adam which you can listen to here HERE

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12 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

Hi @discuccsant

Thank you, that’s some great advice. You are right but it’s just the what ifs that scare me completely. I’m sure everyone has had weird moments we’re only human and it doesn’t make us bad people. Bad people are those who go out of their way to intentionally harm others and that’s not me.

I do want to ask you - you mention you have a child too - when you did combat your fears how did you do when actions were involved. For example in this very very moment - my husband is getting frustrated as he needs to work and I’m too scared to put baby to sleep. Anyway so I decide to give it a go. I put a cushion on my lap so he’s not touching me - I know COMPULSION. Then I rock him by moving my hips (I have an obsession about this as I don’t like the motion of my pelvis moving). Then he falls asleep and I ask my husband to pass me my phone. I move slightly and notice I automatically start rocking him by moving my hips back and forward again and when I notice I say but why am I doing that because he’s asleep - I don’t need to do that. And then I stop immediately and I now feel bad for it. 

 

Glad it helps you to understand everything.

Well, how I did it? Obviously, as you, I tried to avoid any kind of close contact with my daughter and I always tried to get my wife to do this kind of stuff. But after getting to know how to beat my fear, I simply went through with what I tried to avoid as a compulsion before. You basically need to identify your compulsions and then battle your fear, by forcing yourself to do, what you try to avoid before. Example:

I had to bathe example my daughter. Means I need to touch my daughter at areas, where I don't want to touch her. So I would normally avoid it, by calling my wife → That was my avoidance compulsion. Well, I did the very opposite during ERP: I just bathe her. And instead of focusing to NOT touch her, I simply focused on cleaning her. It didn't matter what intrusive thoughts I got in this very moment, as I just re-focused on the overall goal of cleaning my daughter, without battling the intrusive thoughts. It's not easy, yeah. Furthermore, it's also super important, that I didn't try to disassociate anything inappropriate with what I did in the very moment. I just did what I had to do, without giving it any second thoughts. I didn't try to avoid anything, nor did I try to make sure not to touch her at some areas. If I had to touch her, I touched her. Just go on and bathe her, clean her up and then get her dry again. Is it easy? No. So of course, it takes some time to get used to it. But it will get better. You'll normalize normal situations again. 

But I also think that ERP can be extremely stressful, and that you'll fail here and then and if done wrongly, you may feed your OCD. So it's super critical to not give into ANY kind of compulsions, while exposing yourself to stressful situations. I remember at the beginning during ERP, that I once had to move the chair of my daughter to a different position. Because of my OCD, I would normally awkwardly put my daughter down from the chair, then move the chair, then put her back up to sit on it. This was to make sure, that I don't have to touch her nappy. As I knew this was just another compulsion, I moved the chair with her sitting on it AND the chair by holding the chair at her nappy area. The problem was, that I tried to avoid touching the nappy area too much, so that I hold the chair very weirdly with my fingertips only. Obviously, this didn't work, as I didn't have enough strength in my fingers to hold the chair. And this isn't what ERP was about and just another avoidance compulsion. My daughter even almost fell off the chair and could have had a serious head injury, because of how the chair almost tipped over by doing so.
Well, instead of saying to myself “Look, this was another avoidance compulsion, stop giving into this”, I still tried to find a non-touchy alternative. As there was no, I then like automatically went through and hold the chair at the nappy area like anybody else would do it. Like the natural way, do it. Yet, for me, it felt very “wrong” in this very moment, as if it was out of a bad or even worse out of a sexual intention. The avoidance just made me hyperaware of the situation and of how I'm touching the chair and her nappy area, which created intrusive thoughts in the very moment. Exactly like you always describe it in your posts. Well, in the aftermath, I ruminated about it with all these stupid “What if…?”-Questions in my head. Thankfully, my therapist told me that everything is fine and that I don't need to worry. So it's super important that you have a therapist while you do so, as the support you'll get is extremely comforting during this battle against OCD. ERP is super stressful.

So my point here is: You really need to do what you would NEED to do, instead of trying to avoid it and giving your OCD fuel to stress you out more. Compulsions are the fuel for your OCD. Every single moment of avoidance, rumination and reassurance-seeking behavior will give into OCD and make its grip on you more powerful. I think my example makes it very clear of how ERP can backfire, if not done correctly and by REALLY exposing yourself, without any kind of compulsion.

If you do it correctly, though, it will get super easy with time. The first you might fail like I did, the second time you're still anxious, but at some point, you'll do it, just like you would prepare something to eat for your child. It is just like taking out the trash or cleaning up the window. Super normal situation with no negative feelings associated with it at all. You'll see for what it is: Something you don't need even ruminate about for a second. Sounds great, right? You'll do it, I'm pretty sure.

Do you have any kind of appointment with a specialist? I think this would be the very first step. Overcoming OCD by yourself is very hard, sadly.

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Thanks everyone.

I’m sorry but it’s happening again  and how am I supposed to stop thinking about it or NOT justify my actions?

Husband getting frustrated as he has work and I’m too scared to put baby to sleep. I rock baby to sleep in my arms. He’s asleep.  Then notice I’m for some reason rocking baby again by moving my hips up and down and I’m like why am I doing that for - and I stop immediately. Now I’m trying to think why I did that because in my head it’s a dirty action I don’t like it. And now whilst I’m writing this post I move my foot which applies pressure on my groin which leads to a sensation obviously but again why did I do it what was the point - I shouldn’t be doing these things if I know they’re bad. Am I just hyper aware of everything at the moment ?

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6 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

Thanks everyone.

I’m sorry but it’s happening again  and how am I supposed to stop thinking about it or NOT justify my actions?

Husband getting frustrated as he has work and I’m too scared to put baby to sleep. I rock baby to sleep in my arms. He’s asleep.  Then notice I’m for some reason rocking baby again by moving my hips up and down and I’m like why am I doing that for - and I stop immediately. Now I’m trying to think why I did that because in my head it’s a dirty action I don’t like it. And now whilst I’m writing this post I move my foot which applies pressure on my groin which leads to a sensation obviously but again why did I do it what was the point - I shouldn’t be doing these things if I know they’re bad. Am I just hyper aware of everything at the moment ?

Look, you need to stop asking for assurance every single time something “happens”. You won't make any progress this way. You got several explanations and at some point, you need to accept them. Reassurance seeking posts like this is just another compulsion, to feed your OCD with. You don't need the answer for anything, you just need to focus on how to deal with intrusive thoughts like that the correct way. Seeking for an answer will make things worse. Just re-focus on caring for your baby and that's it.

Recognize the intrusive feelings, relabel them as for what they are, and refocus on what is important: Caring for your baby.

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14 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

Thanks everyone.

I’m sorry but it’s happening again  and how am I supposed to stop thinking about it or NOT justify my actions?

Husband getting frustrated as he has work and I’m too scared to put baby to sleep. I rock baby to sleep in my arms. He’s asleep.  Then notice I’m for some reason rocking baby again by moving my hips up and down and I’m like why am I doing that for - and I stop immediately. Now I’m trying to think why I did that because in my head it’s a dirty action I don’t like it. And now whilst I’m writing this post I move my foot which applies pressure on my groin which leads to a sensation obviously but again why did I do it what was the point - I shouldn’t be doing these things if I know they’re bad. Am I just hyper aware of everything at the moment ?

No Ma......we're not going to answer or engage with you on this.  You have a choice here....so dig deep and change your response

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18 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

However, I think a far better book is OCD, Anxiety & Related Depression by Lauren Callaghan which you can find HERE.  I've also just found a Podcast interviewing Auhors/ex-sufferer Lauren & Adam which you can listen to here HERE

Awesome resources, thank you @Caramoole!

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16 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

how am I supposed to stop thinking about it or NOT justify my actions?

Because now you know that what is going on is a mental disorder, OCD. You are logically aware that as painful as it is, it's not accurate. 

17 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

I shouldn’t be doing these things if I know they’re bad

Stop talking to yourself this way, please! The more you tell yourself these definitive statement ("I know they're bad," "I shouldn't be doing them") that you're aware logically are false, the more you're programming your brain to think and act that way.

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Hi Ma,

I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry for all the things you have experienced and for losing your dad. It sounds like you have had a really difficult time and having a newborn, while wonderful, is also stressful. I don't have anything much to add to the advice you've been given here, but I just hope you realise that you have been through a lot and that your anxiety must be through the roof because of all these things. Take it easy and stay strong, you can do this!

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Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your help and kind words. I know you’re all trying to help me and I promise you I am really trying . Albeit it might not look like it but I’m trying - it’s not I don’t want to get better, I do want to get better and I want to do all the things I was doing with my beautiful baby boy before this started. 

The thing is the more I try the more setbacks I’m having. I know someone said before to recognise this is OCD but I can’t because there are actions involved. 
 

I can’t even do anything as straightforward as putting the baby’s babygrow (top) on the changing mat.

This is a basic thing.

My husband asked me to put the baby-grow on the mat whilst he picks baby of it so that it’s easier for him to put it on the baby. I think sure, easier than picking baby up. So, husband picks up the baby and I pick up the babygrow to put it on the mat. I pick it up and I’m about to lay it on the mat but naturally, I had to toss it in the air very slightly in order to lie it flat (a bit like how you’d pick up a rug and put it back on the floor or how you toss a duvet to make it flat, I guess ). Whilst I’m doing that motion, I think ‘oh no don’t want that to touch baby’s bottom’ - I get panicky and so I say to my husband is this ok, he says yes and I continue to put it on the floor. Instantly I feel awful and guilty because I shouldn’t have done it, I should have stopped and slid the babygrow on the floor in order to avoid it touching baby’s bottom, even if the possibility of that happening is small or nil. Then I feel like a bad person because I shouldn’t have done it and then whilst thinking about why why my mind is telling me I did it intentionally for a bad reason when I didn’t because the whole reason I got worried was because I didn’t want it to touch baby’s bottom.
 

Now, please tell me someone can see what I’ve done wrong here - because I’m telling my husband and sister and they don’t understand at all. I’m telling them I shouldn’t have done it and they’re not getting it. I can’t look baby in the eye - I feel like I’ve done something awful. 

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