gingerbreadgirl

But apologising for nothing is like a washing compulsion. It's putting something 'right' that's gone 'wrong'. There are other things you do like avoiding arguments like you said, that's avoidance obviously and then there's watching your behaviour, this is one big checking compulsion. They all contribute to making you feel awful and I'm in no doubt they're behaviours you've done a long time. These are hard to break out of but are significant players in lowering self-worth. 

Anyway these things are difficult to change particularly I think with parental relationships, since they started from us being children.

I'm also not saying these things because you can just change everything but it's worth noting to explain how you're feeling

Thanks Gemma.  And sorry  - I feel like I should be paying you by the hour lol! Maybe I can go for the record of longest status comment thread ever?! As always you speak a great deal of sense.  The watching my behaviour is a huge thing I do round my mum.  I don't think I did it as a child but definitely have done for the last 12+ years, basically since being an adult or more specifically since coming out as gay when she really rejected me, and she also seemed to not like my choice of partner (although she does now) and I think I felt like I failed her in some way by not being who she wanted me to be.  Anyway obv there is loads of stuff I could dig at here and I could be here forever!! Thank you again  

so my plan is this: to not bring it up unless she does, and treat everything as if it's normal until then.  if she brings it up (which she will!) I'll say something like "I didn't like the way you spoke to me, but I'm sorry I upset you. Shall we leave it behind us?" and then try and withdraw from the situation.  No ruminating in the meantime.  feel a bit better to have a plan.