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  1. Haha, not at all Polar! If you were that scary I wouldn't have joked about it ?
  2. Raven, same here. I find this the toughest part of my ocd because the thoughts and memories are of things I have actually, really, done. I'm really good at not confessing now, but I find the anxiety doesn't reduce. (Not doing compulsions for my other areas reduces the anxiety but not here.) I don't know if this is reassurance or not as I only had this thought this morning, and if it is reassurance I'm sure PolarBear will be here to tell me off ?, but it has helped me today. I imagined two lists, one of all the things I've done of which I am ashamed and can't believe I've "got away with", one with all the good things I've done on. Then I pictured each action being assigned a colour, and then saw how beautiful those lists looked together, a whole rainbow. I am a beautiful rainbow!! ? Twee as it sounds, its helped me. I think for these ocd obsessions linked to real events, for me, acceptance forms a large part of beginning to recover. I can't say it's absolutely not me, and there is no evidence against the thought, because it was me and there's loads of evidence for the thought. So the work is on accepting imperfection, failure, and working on self love. Good luck ?
  3. Lovely post Taurean, definitely a whole person approach required. I wonder if we sometimes become so fixated on "ocd = cbt" that we minimise all the comorbid (right word? ) issues. Ocd, just like age, doesn't often come alone. Leif, I agree with the physical maintenance too. I know when I'm taking an ocd or anxiety battering I succumb to an extra slice of coffee cake here or there and in the long run that does me no good. It can be difficult when you're not your own biggest fan to properly take care of yourself, but this is exactly why it's so important to look at all the issues at ply, not just the ocd. I second this Taurean, seeing your reply on a topic I know there are going to be kind, loving words and encouragement
  4. Yes and yes. Is the obsession important to you? Yes. Is it causing you emotional distress? Yes. Would acting on it make you the worst person in the entire world? Yes. Then your OCD is going to home right in on that and make you absolutely mega hyper sensitive to the thought, the obsession and any feelings to do with it to the point that you're flooded with anxiety and can no longer feel any true feelings. I expect someone else can explain this better than me. But yes, OCD.
  5. Not quite sure what you mean here? I'm sorry you're having a bad day, it's a hard fight.
  6. Ocd will love this topic for you because there is a teeny tiny possibility that it may be true. When my ocd goes after my relationship with my husband it will eventually turn into "OK, so you love him, but do you love him *enough*?" It will do anything it can to keep the obsession going. Treat it as OCD. When I'm in doubt over whether something is OCD or not I think "OK, let's give this six months. I'll treat it as that for six months, and if no improvement then I'll look at what my other options may be." it takes the pressure off wondering if it is OCD or not and in that time I've dealt with it because hey ho, it was ocd!
  7. If it's important to you, OCD may well choose it as a target. Good luck, you can beat it ?
  8. Thank you all so much for your advice. I struggled to access the forum for a while so have only just caught up. I had my gp appt and mental health assessment on the same day because there was a cancellation. No meds, gp happy with where I am at the moment and positive that I've made the right steps for self care. Follow up next week to see how I'm doing. Assessment was good, I opened up much more than I imagined and was offered counselling or cbt. Agreed with assessor that a particularly sticky real life event from my childhood is feeding into current fears and anxiety so decided counselling to resolve that issue then perhaps cbt if needed. Bit of a wait, but free and am looking after myself in the meantime. I've started a diary too which has so far proven a very interesting exercise! So far so good, bit of a way to go but I really want to get better and feel ready to do that, not just for me but my child too. He deserves a present mummy, not a zombie type mummy living in my head. Thanks again for getting back to me everyone x
  9. I think you're right leif, I just needed to write it all down.
  10. Hi all, I had a whopper of an intrusive thought and image the other week out of the blue, huge panic attack, self referred to the local mental health team (have assessment booked for end of March) and have an appt to see the gp this week. I've had my ocd under some sort of control for a while now, even at some points feeling I had recovered. (I felt "normal" for months at a time.) I've been doing a lot better since the panic attack recently and doing all the right things to deal with the thoughts. What I'm wondering now is if I may be depressed, or just very low and stressed. My child is two and a half, he's not a great sleeper, up very early in the morning, and for a little while has been out and out defiant (terrible twos??) to the point I've been in tears this morning. I'm so tired, I work part time too, and I have no resilience or strength to manage this behaviour in a way that feels helpful to either of us. I've asked my health visitor to come over for some advice. I don't know if my ocd event recently has triggered this low mood, if parenting a young child has caused it, if general life stress has caused it - I'm guessing all of the above. I feel at the moment that I'll be asking the gp for anti depressants this week just because I can't cope as a mum, and that going to see the gp and mental health team about ocd is a sham because the thoughts are not bothering me at the moment. Any experience of these feelings? Thanks all
  11. Asking "what if?" and doubting are clear indicators for me when I have intrusive thoughts. Leave them be, and remember that you can't think yourself out of a hole you think yourself into.
  12. OCD is a tricksy monster isn't it? Totally understand this x
  13. Thank you both so much for your kind words, the support on here is invaluable. Lisa, will pm you x
  14. Also, I'm struggling to give myself permission to treat this as OCD because at the moment I feel like I should be going to the police or a secure hospital and that treating it as OCD is just denying the truth and is a get out clause.
  15. Hi, 8 yrs ago I had an intrusive thought about my relationship which led to a panic attack and then months and years of rumination. I didn't know it was OCD at first, endless googling led me to an accurate description of my problems and from there I worked on it with self help books and forum and twitter support. My OCD switches between three main obsessions and it's particularly sticky because there's a grain of truth in each. On the weekend, I had another intrusive thought which led to the panic attack like I had all those years ago. I don't want to go into too much detail because I'm trying to not to get reassurance and trying not to ruminate on it. I have a young, pre school age son. He's obsessed with breastfeeding. He tries to breastfeed from my arm and he did this on the weekend and it felt good, not like a groinal response but just - good. Intimate? Close? I don't know, I'm trying not to think about it. Anyway, as you can imagine, the POCD fears are now intense, I'm anxious around my son as I feel a danger, I'm anxious around my husband because I feel he'd think I'm a monster if he knew how my mind is working. I recognised the level of fear in my panic attack on the weekend from last time and knew I couldn't face years of this hell. So I've self referred to my local IAPT and made a GP appt to talk meds. What I'm wondering is, will I have to do the first six weeks of the sort of naff first line CBT or is there a way to get to ERP more quickly? (Though being a mum I feel I'm doing ERP all the time.) Also, I'm not sure if I need meds, sometimes, like at work today, I felt pretty level, but back at home my tummy is churning and I want to cry. I find my mood a little low but that I'm quick to anger. I just want to get the best out of my appointments. Any help or advice will be much appreciated while I wait to get my appointments. Thanks all Coffee cake
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