Struggling to pet my dog.

[OceanDweller]

Hi again Lily. What are you actually doing, day by day, to improve your situation? I think it would serve you well if you didn’t respond with myriad reasons why you’re unable to make the requisite changes.

[lily17]

43 minutes ago, OceanDweller said:

Hi again Lily. What are you actually doing, day by day, to improve your situation? I think it would serve you well if you didn’t respond with myriad reasons why you’re unable to make the requisite changes.

I guess I'm actually not doing anything... I'm a coward and I'm so afraid to radically change my response to the thoughts. Believe me that I've tried to follow the advice given but I've only done it for a like a couple of hours, then I'm back at it again responding with horror and anxiety. It doesn't seem to work for me, it's great advice but I'm so weak.

[changemynametosomething]

51 minutes ago, lily17 said:

Thank you so much ocdishell. Posting on here is indeed one of my biggest compulsions but it’s like I’m addicted and should start avoiding posting here everytime I get an intrusive thought ?

Im not gonna throw rocks in a glasshouse, im doing so much compulsions and am pretty stuck at times myself. i bearly hold my head over the water at times.

just wanted you to know you are not alone. Its feels brutal when the monster comes out, and i as i said, just almost survive every day.

good luck too you, and me, and everybody else here:)

[lily17]

2 minutes ago, ocdishell said:

Im not gonna throw rocks in a glasshouse, im doing so much compulsions and am pretty stuck at times myself. i bearly hold my head over the water at times.

just wanted you to know you are not alone. Its feels brutal when the monster comes out, and i as i said, just almost survive every day.

good luck too you, and me, and everybody else here:)

Thank you and good luck to you too, don't ever stop fighting!

Edited November 19, 2017 by lily17

[OceanDweller]

1 minute ago, lily17 said:

I guess I'm actually not doing anything... I'm a coward and I'm so afraid to radically change my response to the thoughts. Believe me that I've tried to follow the advice given but I've only done it for a like a couple of hours, then I'm back at it again responding with horror and anxiety. It doesn't seem to work for me, it's great advice but I'm so weak.

So if we accept that responding to your written ruminations with reassurance only worsens your situation, and you only heed the advice offered for a short period of time before reverting to unhealthy behaviour, how can we, as a community, support you going forward?

[lily17]

Just now, OceanDweller said:

So if we accept that responding to your written ruminations with reassurance only worsens your situation, and you only heed the advice offered for a short period of time before reverting to unhealthy behaviour, how can we, as a community, support you going forward?

I really don't know. I'm a lost cause...

[OceanDweller]

1 minute ago, lily17 said:

I really don't know. I'm a lost cause...

No. That’s self-pity Lily. I think the answer is that we ignore your written ruminations and dismiss them as counterproductive, but commend you as and when you take on the sound advice provided. Does that sound fair?

[lily17]

6 minutes ago, OceanDweller said:

No. That’s self-pity Lily. I think the answer is that we ignore your written ruminations and dismiss them as counterproductive, but commend you as and when you take on the sound advice provided. Does that sound fair?

Yes, it does sound fair. I'm sorry though and thank you  

Edited November 19, 2017 by lily17

[JennieWren]

You are not a lost cause - You've decided to be a lost cause because it all feels so horrible. You've started rejecting the world because you are so exhausted with it all. You think you can't fight and that you are a coward but you are just overwhelmed. I think many of us have been there. 

Make some peace with yourself Lily and where you are now. Be a friend to yourself if you can. I've done some really funny things on my darkest times that actually really helped. I remember holding my own hand to remind myself that I am never alone. 

[lily17]

2 minutes ago, JennieWren said:

You are not a lost cause - You've decided to be a lost cause because it all feels so horrible. You've started rejecting the world because you are so exhausted with it all. You think you can't fight and that you are a coward but you are just overwhelmed. I think many of us have been there. 

Make some peace with yourself Lily and where you are now. Be a friend to yourself if you can. I've done some really funny things on my darkest times that actually really helped. I remember holding my own hand to remind myself that I am never alone. 

Once, I remember that I hugged myself because I was feeling so alone... wish I could do that now but I'm afraid to touch my own body. Thank you Jennie but I'm so mad at myself because of this thing I'm going through and it will take a little more time than usual...

[OceanDweller]

5 minutes ago, lily17 said:

Yes, it does sound fair. I'm sorry though and thank you  

Finally Lily, I’d like to address the title of this thread. ‘Breakdown’ suggests that you are about to break, or deteriorate into some manner of psychotic illness. It’s disempowering. And it dramatises your situation. And it’s wholly inaccurate. What you’re experiencing is anxiety. Plain and simple. There is no edge over which you might fall. No risk of anything terrible occurring. You’re just afraid. And if you take on the masses of advice provided, resist performing compulsions and composing lengthy ruminations, that fear will gradually fade. This is all within your control.

[lily17]

11 minutes ago, OceanDweller said:

Finally Lily, I’d like to address the title of this thread. ‘Breakdown’ suggests that you are about to break, or deteriorate into some manner of psychotic illness. It’s disempowering. And it dramatises your situation. And it’s wholly inaccurate. What you’re experiencing is anxiety. Plain and simple. There is no edge over which you might fall. No risk of anything terrible occurring. You’re just afraid. And if you take on the masses of advice provided, resist performing compulsions and composing lengthy ruminations, that fear will gradually fade. This is all within your control.

I feel on the edge 24/7 because believe me that I try not to test myself but it feels like I’m doing it unconsciously? And I freak out because I don’t wanna so I guess it’s another one of OCD’s manifestations... but hell, it really is such a scary thing. Thank you, let’s see if I can have a relaxing afternoon. 

Edited November 19, 2017 by lily17

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, OceanDweller said:

I’d like to address the title of this thread. ‘Breakdown’ suggests that you are about to break, or deteriorate into some manner of psychotic illness. It’s disempowering. And it dramatises your situation. And it’s wholly inaccurate. What you’re experiencing is anxiety. Plain and simple. There is no edge over which you might fall. No risk of anything terrible occurring. You’re just afraid. And if you take on the masses of advice provided, resist performing compulsions and composing lengthy ruminations, that fear will gradually fade. This is all within your control.

This is excellent advice and worth repeating. 

[PhilM]

It can be an "exhausting" condition but as I've said before - you are very young and have so many options available which a lot of us didn't have. 

Embrace therapy. Take the advice on board the kind users of this forum have taken the time to give you.

[lily17]

Hi everyone... I'm sorry some of you are gonna be mad at me about this because I'm posting a new topic but I just... I just can't. Yesterday I went to a family meeting and we went out to have dinner so I had the thought that I touched my father, two cousins and mother for sexual reasons. I was able to dismiss all of those except the one about my mother... Listen it's just that the fact that I actually had an intrusive thought to touch her and if I did it, that I would like it and I freaked out... I don't know how much time happened between this and this other thing that my mum touched my arm because she was sitting next to me on the table and I was like ok I can't touch her I'm afraid and I believe that I moved my arm forward and then backwards and I touched her arm doing this, had a groinal response and the feeling of liking it. Do you all realise how hard is this for me? That I don't know what to believe, I was so afraid to touch her because I would never touch her for those reasons, to please myself........ew. But it feels like I've done, every piece fits in this mental puzzle! I just don't know exactly how much time happened between the first thought and the second one when I actually touched her arm when I was trying not to touch her I think!!! Has the thing that I fear the most just come true?  

Edited November 19, 2017 by lily17

[JennieWren]

I'm not saying this because I'm annoyed - but it seems to me now that in some weird way, you are on this OCD forum to try convince us all that you don't really have OCD and that you are just a terrible human being. I say this because

you have a very good understanding of your condition

you know we have been through similar experiences or worse, including groinal responses. 

you know that we are not going to reassure you that this is all false -  this has been made clear.

so why are you seeking 'reassurance' on this forum? Forgive me if I'm wrong but it's like you've picked the one place where we have completely accepted you have OCD and you are trying to prove the forum wrong. ❤️ All the 'I know's and "but"s tell me the same story.

[PolarBear]

Not uncommon for that to happen, Jennie. I've come across a number of people who became determined, on the world's largest OCD forum, to prove they dont have OCD. Of course along with that, they ruminate like crazy, which is clear evidence of the disorder.

[lily17]

13 hours ago, Sophief said:

Here's some more information that explains it better than I did. https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/symptoms-of-ocd/

Thank you, Sophie.

[lily17]

I’m sorry @JennieWren and @PolarBear I’m convinced now that I don’t have OCD... I apologise for being like this.

[lily17]

Last night, as always... I made a movement down there and thought that I did it thinking of mum. Also got this urge to do it? And I gave in to it but it felt like real as if I wanted to do it and did it to test myself, fearing I would like it... I liked the feeling because it feels good but I didn’t like thinking about her but it’s like now I’m left thinking I’ve done it because I wanted to. I mean maybe I wanted to press my thighs together because it feels good but not thinking about her... and there is where it gets messy. I did it looking at a picture of her (a test) and I was completely horrified and I started to cry and then I did it thinking of someone I fancy because I wanted to, my mum showed up in a form of intrusive thought and I was like “noo mum not now!” And I focused on her to see if I liked it... I liked the feeling of pressing my thighs together and I had to force myself to stop because even though I was thinking of her as a test, the arousal felt nice, but I was testing so I had to stop. I’m so embarrassed. I wasn’t liking thinking of her, I promise.  

Is it normal to decide to test something and having to repeat yourself it’s gonna be a test like a hundred times and then when you’re about to do it and you start it doesn’t feel like a test it feels like you’re finally giving in to it? This is so scary it feels so real I can’t deal with it

[ohwhyhello]

23 minutes ago, lily17 said:

I’m convinced now that I don’t have OCD... I apologise for being like this.

HI Lily, it's up to you if you want to apply the great advice you've been given here. If you don't like it, or feel convinced you don't have OCD, you're free to ignore it. You keep apologizing, but to whom? You're only hurting yourself! You didn't hurt any of us. If your goal is to delve into these thoughts and analyze them, and get reassurance, a site like this is definitely not for you.

[lily17]

46 minutes ago, ohwhyhello said:

HI Lily, it's up to you if you want to apply the great advice you've been given here. If you don't like it, or feel convinced you don't have OCD, you're free to ignore it. You keep apologizing, but to whom? You're only hurting yourself! You didn't hurt any of us. If your goal is to delve into these thoughts and analyze them, and get reassurance, a site like this is definitely not for you.

Yes I do want to apply the advice but right now I'm convinced that I've done this terrible thing and I'm completely stuck and can't move on I'm sorry 

[ohwhyhello]

1 minute ago, lily17 said:

Yes I do want to apply the advice but right now I'm convinced that I've done this terrible thing and I'm completely stuck and can't move on I'm sorry 

How about you just stop saying sorry (you aren't hurting anyone else, just you) and stop giving us excuses and just do it? May you did a horrible thing, maybe you didn't. How about you just accept that you will never know 100% either way and just carry on with your life? You say you can't and it's impossible and that you are stuck, but it's really just an excuse.

How about the next post doesn't include the words:

but

yet

however

although

sorry

I can't
 

[JennieWren]

1 hour ago, lily17 said:

I’m sorry @JennieWren and @PolarBear I’m convinced now that I don’t have OCD... I apologise for being like this.

Ok if that's the case tell me where should you be going/doing to seek help? If you haven't got OCD then what have you got? And what should you be doing about it?

even if you haven't got OCD then you still have the power to change yourself. Even if you are this terrible person you keep telling me about, you still have the power to change. The thing is you don't want to do that because then you'd have to start investing in yourself. You'd have to start thinking you are worth something. You'd have to forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself.

And you don't want to. Not because you deserve punishment but because you just don't want to. 

If this comes across as harsh know that it comes from a place of love and kindness. ❤️

[JennieWren]

i do get it. It feels easier to give in so at least you can stay in bed and stare at the ceiling. You don't have to socialise, get dressed, go to school or work, look after the children in my case etc etc. You can abdicate responsibility for everything and do nothing and therefore in a weird way be free. I have been there. I've made other people responsible for me just by refusing to do it any more.