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I guess I have no limits


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2 hours ago, malina said:

Thanks, Cora. At that time, I used to imagine myself 10 years into the future being much wiser and happier, looking back and feeling proud of surviving that hell. Now 13 years on, I am definitely happier and I am proud, although not sure I can say I'm really wiser 😆And now I'm imagining the same thing for you, that when you're older you can look back on all of this and feel proud of yourself for surviving and building a good life. I believe in you and I know you will get there! Life is really a journey and sometimes having these bumps and potholes in the road really does make you appreciate everything so much more. 

I know you feel this way, but this is your subjective interpretation of those events. And you have described them so many times and yet you've had a lot of people telling you this wasn't abuse. It's only you who believes that it was, so you're in the minority there. So I don't accept the argument that you are different because you have hurt your brother or your cousin. You can describe these scenarios in a million ways and include every detail possible, your thoughts and urges and intentions and I guarantee it won't change my opinion. 

Well that is just typical mum stuff, bless her. I think a lot of mums just can't take the idea of their child leaving or wanting to live anywhere else, but it's normal to move out when you're an adult, you just have to be gentle with her when the time comes. 

Once again, thank you so much for taking the time to write this, malina. I really appreciate it! ❤

 

Edited by Cora
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I'm seriously the worst human ever. I just watched two different videos on instagram that involved children, and I got aroused from watching them both. The arousal was 10 times stronger than it has ever been before. I'm really sorry for the details but I also felt like I really wanted to masturbate after watching them. I'm sick. I deleted my instagram because I don't want to get aroused when I see children. I'm so terribly sorry for everything. 

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I just went through some old posts made by other people on here, with the same concern as mine - the fear of being a paedophile. They were talking about arousal and how with OCD it's never enjoyable, hence it can't and shouldn't be used to determine whether someone is or isn't attracted to children when people have this fear. Well, here is thing. What I felt earlier was enjoyable. That is for sure. There you go. I am a paedophile. Why in the world did I have to check my instagram, especially at night?! 

On top of that, in the comments to that respective post it was also mentioned that you are a paedophile if you have sexual urges towards children and/or have acted on them. I both had and acted on sexual urges towards children. There hasn't been a day since last year where I haven't experienced a sexual urge towards children, especially my little brother. 

I'm sick and disgusting. I want to die. 

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I know people will say that there is no way I'm a paedophile if I'm on an OCD forum. But I'm here only because I really don't want to be one, not because I am not one. But I am. I am a paedohile. I am a monster. 

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13 hours ago, Cora said:

I need help asap because I am so so sick. I even texted my boyfriend about what happened but I'm so scared to read his reply when he wakes up. 

I really feel like I want to do something inappropriate. And I feel like nothing can stop me, so I will probably end up doing it. I feel like I want to grab my brother's bottom and private area for sexual reasons. I feel a very sick and disturbing attraction towards him, and it just hit me how real it is. 

I'm scared to leave my room and see my brother again. I don't want to feel that attraction and those urges. I really don't. But I know as soon as I step out of this room they'll be back. This is so scary.

You are sick, you have OCD, its a mental illness.  Trust me, I understand how scary and painful this is for you. I went through something similar, except in my case it was fear I would do something to hurt myself.  There were times where it felt like I HAD to fight the "urges" OR ELSE I would give in and do something.  I was wrong.  Fortunately I had a good therapist to work with, though it took time.  I finally stopped fighting the "urges" and guess what?  Nothing bad happened.  It was scary, and it was hard. I had to take a chance that my therapist (and my psychiatrist, and my parents, etc.) we're right and it was just OCD. I very much DID NOT want to die, yet if my "urges" were real thats exactly what would have happened!  I would have thrown myself in front of a car or off a bridge or something.  Those were the "urges" I was afraid of.  It never happened.  When I was on a bridge or near traffic or near a knife, or some other "scary" situation I just kept doing what I was doing, and in time the fear went away, the "urges" stopped being an issue.  I saw them for what they REALLY were, OCD obsessions and fears.  Intrusive thoughts.  Garbage. 

You are not a monster.  You are not going to harm your brother.  You are someone who is clearly suffering with OCD, I have no doubt (but you definitely do, because, well thats how OCD works).  You need to trust  the collective wisdom of the forums, the medical and mental health professionals, the people who have been through this and come out the other side.  We know its hard, we know it sucks, and we know what you are going through because we have been there.  You have way more power over this than you know.  You can beat this, it can get better.  Its hard work, but its worth it.

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9 hours ago, dksea said:

You are sick, you have OCD, its a mental illness.  Trust me, I understand how scary and painful this is for you. I went through something similar, except in my case it was fear I would do something to hurt myself.  There were times where it felt like I HAD to fight the "urges" OR ELSE I would give in and do something.  I was wrong.  Fortunately I had a good therapist to work with, though it took time.  I finally stopped fighting the "urges" and guess what?  Nothing bad happened.  It was scary, and it was hard. I had to take a chance that my therapist (and my psychiatrist, and my parents, etc.) we're right and it was just OCD. I very much DID NOT want to die, yet if my "urges" were real thats exactly what would have happened!  I would have thrown myself in front of a car or off a bridge or something.  Those were the "urges" I was afraid of.  It never happened.  When I was on a bridge or near traffic or near a knife, or some other "scary" situation I just kept doing what I was doing, and in time the fear went away, the "urges" stopped being an issue.  I saw them for what they REALLY were, OCD obsessions and fears.  Intrusive thoughts.  Garbage. 

You are not a monster.  You are not going to harm your brother.  You are someone who is clearly suffering with OCD, I have no doubt (but you definitely do, because, well thats how OCD works).  You need to trust  the collective wisdom of the forums, the medical and mental health professionals, the people who have been through this and come out the other side.  We know its hard, we know it sucks, and we know what you are going through because we have been there.  You have way more power over this than you know.  You can beat this, it can get better.  Its hard work, but its worth it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this, @dksea. It is indeed very hard. I really feel like I'll never get out of this. 

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

Hi, @malina

Yes, I've called the GP and booked an appointment for the next Thursday. I know it's late but I've tried my best. 

Well done, Cora, I am proud of you! I think it would help you to have a specific goal when you see your GP, rather than waiting to see what they can offer you. Perhaps a referral to a psychiatrist is the best option, a psychiatrist will be very knowledgeable about your problem and can offer medication as well, if you want to try that.

So I think that when you go there, you should say that you really need a referral to a psychiatrist soon, find out when is the earliest you can see this person and make the appointment. Don't let the GP brush you off or give you some random emotional support resources like the mental health hub, you need something concrete now.

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1 hour ago, malina said:

Well done, Cora, I am proud of you! I think it would help you to have a specific goal when you see your GP, rather than waiting to see what they can offer you. Perhaps a referral to a psychiatrist is the best option, a psychiatrist will be very knowledgeable about your problem and can offer medication as well, if you want to try that.

So I think that when you go there, you should say that you really need a referral to a psychiatrist soon, find out when is the earliest you can see this person and make the appointment. Don't let the GP brush you off or give you some random emotional support resources like the mental health hub, you need something concrete now.

Thank you so much for the support, @malina

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Unfortunately, I still feel very bad. And have been feeling like this the entire day - a walking chaos desperate for help. 

The following contains a lot of details, so I'm really sorry if anyone feels disgusted or triggered after reading this. 

I slept all day because I've been feeling tired and had no energy to get out of bed. However, around 5pm I decided to finally get up and get something to eat. But right before doing that, I had a thought that I wanted to have sex with my brother (I'm sorry). It felt genuine and way too real. As I was getting out of bed, I felt like I was pulled to the living room and like I really wanted to have sex with my little brother. As I was walking out of the room all I could think of was: "You're only getting up so you could have sex with your brother. That's the only the reason. Do it. You know you want to!".
After I had something to eat, I went to sit on the couch in the living room because I was tired and bored of my room. While talking to my brother, who was there as well, I felt something disgusting in my body, like I was going to do something inappropriate to him. Luckily, my headache, which I've had for the past two days, forced me to go back to my room, so nothing bad happened.

Now here comes the grossest part.
Back in my room, I fell asleep because the headache was too much for me. Unfortunately, the fireworks outside woke me up not a long time after I fell asleep. Only a couple of minutes later, with my eyes open now, I felt turned on (maybe it's because it's that time of the month, I don't know; I usually feel turned on most of the time before my menstruation starts). It was random and weird. But I immediately had a thought, once again, that the solution to that is to have sex with my brother. I felt annoyed and frustrated at myself for allowing myself to think that. At the moment, I can't recall if I enjoyed the thought, but if I did, that's even more sick. I tried to stop the thought, but because that didn't work I let it be. About 5 minutes or so later, as I was still feeling turned on, I decided to squeeze my thighs together to relieve myself (again, I'm very sorry for all these details, but I really feel like they are important). But while doing it, and even now, after it happened, I was trying to figure out the reason for that: did I do it because of the thought of having sex with my brother or just because I wanted to do it?

I'm very upset and angry at myself, because before squeezing my thighs I told myself not to do it as I knew I would feel guilty. And I was right. Here I am, feeling guilty and disgusted with myself.

Please, help me. I'm a total mess. I hate myself. 

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I know I've shared a lot of disgusting details and maybe people are offended by it, but I really need some help. I'm a mess and feel like I've done something very disgusting and disturbing. I'm sorry to insist but I really hope someone can reply.

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I can't figure out why I did it what I did. And I just realised that maybe I just don't want to figure out why I did it because I'm too scared of the truth. 

I just shared what happend with my boyfriend as well. He's always been so good with me, he loves me, cares about me and always tries his best to be understanding with all my idiotic and weird problems. But I feel like I keep betraying him. If he decides to stay with me, he'll never be able to have a normal family, because I'm too afraid to have kids; I don't want to go through the same he'll I've been going with my brother and I don't think I'd be able to forgive myself if I ever caused harm to my children. I feel worthless. I know I shouldn't share this but I feel like I'm good for nothing. I'm a terrible girlfriend. A terrible daughter. A monstrous sister. And a very bad student, too; I haven't been able to focus on my assignments and projects since last year, and I always feel stupid when I compare myself with my colleagues because they are so far ahead. 

I'm sorry. I just feel like I keep stepping on the same rake all the time and all my troubles are because of that.

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What saddens me is seeing you suffering so much & posting so much detailed information because of what OCD dictates, when there really is no need!

In much the same way that you desperately seek out threads to confirm/dismiss your beliefs, I also worry what effect this may have on others who are suffering in a similar way, & reading your posts where you are so dismissive of OCD being the problem here!

Your brain is misfiring, Cora, because of OCD! You need specialist help to help you see what is going on here. You may even need meds temporarily to kind of twist the thought process a little, back to normal. 

 

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1 hour ago, felix4 said:

What saddens me is seeing you suffering so much & posting so much detailed information because of what OCD dictates, when there really is no need!

In much the same way that you desperately seek out threads to confirm/dismiss your beliefs, I also worry what effect this may have on others who are suffering in a similar way, & reading your posts where you are so dismissive of OCD being the problem here!

Your brain is misfiring, Cora, because of OCD! You need specialist help to help you see what is going on here. You may even need meds temporarily to kind of twist the thought process a little, back to normal. 

 

Hi @felix4

Thank you so much for replying. I know this sounds desperate, but I was really waiting for someone to reply, so, as weird as this sounds, I'm very happy that you did. 

I've decided that I'm carrying too much, too much information, too many feelings, and I just want to let some of them in the past and never look back at them again. What happened yesterday is one of those many moments I want to leave in the past. But for some reason I feel guilty for wanting to do so and it seems that I can't and shouldn't even allow myself to think about moving on. So that's why I want to ask you, and anyone else who cares, if you think I'm allowed to move on and just let the past be the past without feeling guilty and ashamed. 

I'm really sorry if this is confusing, but I've realised that I'll probably end up killing myself soon or just go full crazy if I keep getting stuck so often with so many incidents like the one above. 

I just want someone to tell me that it's okay to move on and nothing bad will happen if I go ahead and do it. 

Once again, thank you so much for stopping by and replying - it means a lot to me! 

Edited by Cora
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20 minutes ago, Cora said:

Hi @felix4

Thank you so much for replying. I know this sounds desperate, but I was really waiting for someone to reply, so, as weird as this sounds, I'm very happy that you did. 

I've decided that I'm carrying too much, too much information, too many feelings, and I just want to let some of them in the past and never look back at them again. What happened yesterday is one of those many moments I want to leave in the past. But for some reason I feel guilty for wanting to do so and it seems that I can't and shouldn't even allow myself to think about moving on. So that's why I want to ask you, and anyone else who cares, if you think I'm allowed to move on and just let the past be the past without feeling guilty and ashamed. 

I'm really sorry if this is confusing, but I've realised that I'll probably end up killing myself soon or just go full crazy if I keep getting stuck so often with so many incidents like the one above. 

I just want someone to tell me that it's okay to move on and nothing bad will happen if I go ahead and do it. 

Once again, thank you so much for stopping by and replying - it means a lot to me! 

But, at the same time, if you think that I'm not allowed to move due to my unacceptable behaviour, please let me know as well. I just want to know the truth, your truth; I don't care how much it hurts to hear it, I promise. 

Once again, thank you. And I apologise for posting so much and acting like a crazy person. 

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Cora, haven’t you been paying attention to what any of us have said? Not only are you allowed to move on, you have to do it and you need help from a professional who can teach you strategies to move on from things like this that cause you so much guilt. It’s easy for someone to tell you to move on and I know you will struggle to do it, but I truly hope that you will try your best to move on from this situation.

So please stop torturing yourself! You have an appointment with your GP next week and you have to demand help. I have a feeling that you are very polite and people probably don’t see the severity of your suffering. So make it clear, I think the best step is to see a psychiatrist so push, push and push until you get a referral.

Medication may not be a bad choice for a time, at least until you’re able to see a specialist who can give you CBT.

You also say you’re falling behind at uni, but have you spoken to your personal tutor or anyone about your problems? You don’t have to give the details but they may be able to help make arrangements for you. 

In the mean time, you have to distract yourself and engage in the real world, get out of your own head a bit.

I know that you are suffering but you can’t waste time. Things are very worrying, note that I am not a tiny bit concerned about the details of your confession, but I am very worried about how much you are suffering and the way that you are handling all of this. You need support and it has to be more than just talking to people on this forum, we can offer you advice but you need structured therapy. None of this will happen unless you make it happen, which is unfair but it’s the only way and this is very serious. 

So calm down and be rational. Do what you can to distract yourself until Thursday, try to do something productive rather than sitting and ruminating. Then come Thursday, be ready to push for a referral to a psychiatrist. If you really feel you can’t cope, you can also call Samaritans or A&E.  The point is that you have an illness and you’re not well, so you need medical help!

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Thank you so so much, @malina

I don't think I am that polite so I will try my best to push for an appointment with a psychiatrist. 

I'm currently taking medication - sertraline. But unfortunately I'm not being constant with it and I think that's a big problem. 

I've tried to keep myself busy today, mostly making christmas lists and making sure there's enough money for everything. Things seemed to be okay until about an hour ago.

My brain has something else for me today. Apparently I'm manipulating everyone on this forum. I'm manipulating you to believe that what I have is OCD. (I apologise, I mean no offense to you, I promise; I think you are very intelligent and know so much about OCD and life in general.) And now I'm looking for reasons to affirm this decision taken by my brain. This is so tiring and ****** up, honestly. And, as it was expected, now I doubt even more that this is OCD. I realise how absurd this is but I can't pass by and not pay attention to this doubt, because I still think my case is quite different. By no means I'm saying that I'm special, but I do think that I'm a bad person who should have never done certain stuff. 

While I was in the shower, my brain started screaming at me that once again I need to confess to my boyfriend about the incidents with my brother and cousin, even though he knows almost everything - I probably missed some details and that's why I said 'almost'. And here I am, anxious again because I have this urge to confess again. I hate this, especially that I have to go to work in an hour (I know I said I have to isolate myself but people from my work think otherwie so I have to do what they're saying). 

I'm really sorry. I know I need to stop behaving like this and just get a grip on myself, but god, how much I hate pretending like everything is fine when I feel like dying inside. 

Again, I'm sorry. 

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Cora, try to recognize that a thought like the one you described, that you are lying to us, is itself an intrusive thought, an obsession. You can tell because you have a pull to analyze that thought, to figure it out, to look for evidence that it is true, to ruminate. There's the compulsions.

You can fight back by not engsging with such thoughts, to set them aside and leave them alone. 

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Cora, if you’re going to take medication then you have to do it properly!!! This is so important! Why aren’t you taking it consistently? You seem like a responsible person, what is going on?

i think you should tell your GP this and get advice on how to get on track.

i say this because when I was younger I was on medication too and then one day decided I didn’t need it anymore and stoped. And what happened? My symptoms came back 10x stronger. So please don’t mess around with this, I think it’s just making things worse!

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33 minutes ago, malina said:

Cora, if you’re going to take medication then you have to do it properly!!! This is so important! Why aren’t you taking it consistently? You seem like a responsible person, what is going on?

i think you should tell your GP this and get advice on how to get on track.

i say this because when I was younger I was on medication too and then one day decided I didn’t need it anymore and stoped. And what happened? My symptoms came back 10x stronger. So please don’t mess around with this, I think it’s just making things worse!

I know, @malina. This is a very serious matter and I don't seem to care enough.  

I know these are definitely not excuses, but I didn't take the medication for certain reason, such as staying at my boyfriend's for a couple of days in a row and not my bringing my medication with me, sleeping all day (due to staying up very late) and forgetting to take when waking up, and, the most stupid and nonsense one, not caring enough because there is always this voice in my head that says there's no hope so medication won't help.

Now that I've typed them, I realise how stupid all these reasons are. And I'm sorry for that. That is very irresponsible of me. 

I'm back on the medication however. And I promise I will take it every day. 

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That is good Cora, please be responsible with this. Have you ever taken any other medication, like the contraceptive pill? If you have, you'll know that if you miss one pill, you could get pregnant. That is how things work with medication, every day matters. Besides, if you are not taking it regularly, you are messing with the levels of the medication in your system, which could impact on your mood. I'm no expert on medication, but you need to be careful with it. Even if you think it's pointless, you're not doing a big task here so there is still no loss.

3 hours ago, Cora said:

 My brain has something else for me today. Apparently I'm manipulating everyone on this forum. I'm manipulating you to believe that what I have is OCD.

You say you're 22 right? That means I was diagnosed when you were 9! And I have been suffering from OCD since I was about 5, so 15 years before even getting a diagnosis. I think I know OCD when I see it and I'm sure most of the others do too! You can't really trick people who have lived with this problem for longer than you have even been alive!

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2 hours ago, malina said:

That is good Cora, please be responsible with this. Have you ever taken any other medication, like the contraceptive pill? If you have, you'll know that if you miss one pill, you could get pregnant. That is how things work with medication, every day matters. Besides, if you are not taking it regularly, you are messing with the levels of the medication in your system, which could impact on your mood. I'm no expert on medication, but you need to be careful with it. Even if you think it's pointless, you're not doing a big task here so there is still no loss.

I completely agree with you, malina. I will definitely be more careful and responsible. 

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