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My Mind - I need to talk to someone


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4 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

Now, please tell me someone can see what I’ve done wrong here

What you've done wrong, Ma, is to allow yourself to believe anything you did was a problem.

5 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

I feel awful and guilty because I shouldn’t have done it

This is wrong too. There's no 'should' about it. What you did was perfectly fine. It's the thinking about it afterwards and telling yourself you should have avoided any chance of touching his bottom that is wrong.

7 minutes ago, Ma29 said:

I feel like I’ve done something awful

Yes. But remember it's just a feeling. Feelings are not proof that you have done anything wrong so don't react as if they were.

Try not to avoid doing things with your baby. The more you delegate to others the worse this is going to get. Far better in the long run to get on with whatever care he needs doing and accept you'll feel anxious about it.

You're anxious doing nothing, so you might as well give your husband a break and be anxious helping out.

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Your Husband and Sister are right, it is your perception that is distorted

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can’t even do anything as straightforward as putting the baby’s babygrow (top) on the changing mat.

What you're really saying is that you're not prepared to work through the anxiety that it provokes.......and ultimately you must.  Until you start to work through some of these things rather than running from them it's going to stay a big problem.  When these flashes of panic come when you do one of these tasks, you have to be ready to think about the things we've talked about.....the main one being the internal dialogue you're having with yourself.  The scary things you tell yourself, the negative names you call yourself.  You know these things are going to happen so you have to be ready for them but then ready for the next step of changing your thought process.  I know it's horrible but you can cope with this

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Thank you both 

what you’re saying is right but I just can’t take doing anything wrong to my baby. 

I have been sitting here crying - my mind is convincing me saying ‘you wanted the babygrow to touch his bottom’ but I don’t recall thinking that at all and I don’t recall enjoying the process of putting his baby-grow on the Mat. It doesn’t make any sense - why would I get worried in the process if I wanted it to happen and why would I feel so guilty afterwards?

All I recall is getting anxious in the process and feeling fearful and worried the babygrow would touch his bottom whilst I’m putting it on the mat. Asking my husband if it’s okay and then doing it and the guilt settles in after that. For a moment I can be rational but then I can’t and anxiety rises again. That’s all I remember, I’m honestly telling the truth - I don’t for a split second remember thinking I wanted it to happen - nor did I get a thought - nor did I enjoy it. I just got worried it may touch his bottom which stopped me for a second and then I continued.

My husband is absolutely furious at me, he said It’s ridiculous. I apologised and said I don’t have anywhere else to go.

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6 hours ago, Ma29 said:

Hi @discuccsant

Thank you, that’s some great advice. You are right but it’s just the what ifs that scare me completely. I’m sure everyone has had weird moments we’re only human and it doesn’t make us bad people. Bad people are those who go out of their way to intentionally harm others and that’s not me.

I do want to ask you - you mention you have a child too - when you did combat your fears how did you do when actions were involved. For example in this very very moment - my husband is getting frustrated as he needs to work and I’m too scared to put baby to sleep. Anyway so I decide to give it a go. I put a cushion on my lap so he’s not touching me - I know COMPULSION. Then I rock him by moving my hips (I have an obsession about this as I don’t like the motion of my pelvis moving). Then he falls asleep and I ask my husband to pass me my phone. I move slightly and notice I automatically start rocking him by moving my hips back and forward again and when I notice I say but why am I doing that because he’s asleep - I don’t need to do that. And then I stop immediately and I now feel bad for it. 

 

There is nothing wrong with your actions. Your problem is the way you interpret those actions. 

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Guys - it’s happening again. 
 

I’m struggling to see the pattern. 

I open an Amazon box .. @Saffron37the books arrived.

I also brought baby a sensory toy. I’m showing him the toy for a good few minutes standing up and shaking the toy in front of him and getting him to interact with me and the toy - it’s great. I then get him to try to hold the toy but notice it’s touching his leg.
 

Cue intrusive thought - you want the toy to touch the baby. I don’t though, and I continue playing with him. 

Then I ask his dad to hold the toy but then I don’t want him to hold it because my thoughts saying ‘you want his dad to hold the toy so that his dad can touch him with the toy’ again, I don’t - so I take it off his dad quickly. 
 

I continue playing with him. Then a few minutes later, I DO ask his dad to take over and as soon as I do, the thought says ‘you want his dad to take it so he can touch him with the toy’ - I don’t thought that’s silly. Anyway for some stupid reason, I go and have a drink and come back and take the toy away from his dad as baby looked like he enjoyed me showing the toy to him more anyway. 
 

Now what I don’t understand is - there was no real reason for me to give his dad the toy, so why did I bother doing it? I guess because I got bored and tired as I had been standing up for a few minutes ? I don’t know? Does there have to be a reason? Also, if I got the thought then I shouldn’t have given him the toy? I’m so stupid. Now I feel guilty for giving him the toy. I honestly didn’t want the toy to touch the baby - it makes no sense. Why would I want that - it’s stupid. But I feel like a bad person for going ahead and giving his dad the toy and asking him to take over. 

 

 

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Another day, another confession. Another reassurance seeking venture. Another opportunity for you to express negative feelings about yourself.

These are all compulsions. They are your way of reacting to the irrational thoughts swirling in your head, when no reaction is what you need to strive for.

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10 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Another day, another confession. Another reassurance seeking venture. Another opportunity for you to express negative feelings about yourself.

These are all compulsions. They are your way of reacting to the irrational thoughts swirling in your head, when no reaction is what you need to strive for.

Right.
 

However, I feel like I acted on a thought. But is it irrelevant because the thought is irrelevant?

Now I can’t remember why I gave his dad the toy and asked him to take over in the first place and whether I got the thought first and then asked him or I got the thought after or whilst. All I know is the thought wasn’t true - I didn’t want the toy to touch the baby, so does it really matter ? Am I missing the point?

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Hi everyone

Are so called ‘false memories’ meant to be scary and why are they relating to my current obsession? My mind keeps coming up with a new past event or non event even where something just might not have felt right.


Meanwhile I have ZERO recollection of harming anyone - it disgusts me completely. I also have ZERO recollection of feeling ‘sexually attracted’ to anyone other than my husband.

However my mind is telling me otherwise by wondering and being like

- ‘this one time someone may have  sat in your lap for a completely innocent reason but something just didn’t feel right’ By not feeling right, I don’t mean I recall actively doing anything bad ( defo not) but maybe a thought or sensation or the environment or there may have been some trigger - I don’t know - I just recall something. 

And then I start thinking

 ‘what didn’t feel right’ / ‘why am I remembering this’ / ‘did I get an intrusive thought at the same time’ / ‘I remember it making me feel uncomfortable’ /‘did I feel a sensation and how did I react mentally to that ‘ / ‘but Ma, you’ve never ever done anything like NOR have you been attracted to anyone other than your husband quite frankly’/ ‘your husband was the first person you felt a sexual connection with’. 

It’s all so exhausting. 
 

It also completely scares me - I would rather die than my fear be true if that makes sense. So, this memory is distressing me so much.  I hate it. The only thing keeping me sane is thinking but I don’t recall doing any harm to anyone. 

Edited by Ma29
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So the above is a product of your ruminating. It shows that you're sitting their, analyzing what happened, looking for motives, trying to figure out if the thoughts are correct.

Ruminating is a compulsion. Ot solves nothing but does make your situation worse. 

There is nothing to figure out. Nothing to analyze. 

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I’m really really afraid. It’s about 1am. I come to bed and I’m ruminating about my above post. I don’t recall doing anything bad - telling myself. I’m completely obsessed about the possibility of doing anything bad. My husband is holding baby, I give him baby’s bottle and again im obsessed with the possibility of touching baby whilst doing this (I didn’t). Then, I fall asleep with my husband - I’m asleep and baby wakes up again and I hand my husband another bottle (again being cautious not wanting to touch baby). I fall asleep and that’s the last I remember of being awake. The last time I saw baby was in my husbands arms when I gave him the bottle at my feet. I’ve now woken up and I get this sense of DOOM like I’ve done something terrible such as touched the baby - I recall having a strange dream but I can’t recall the dream. I get SO SO scared - I ask my husband if he sat next to me whilst putting baby to sleep, he says no. How could I have touched baby then - I’m so scared. I don’t have any recollection of touching baby. This thing is taking over my life. I can’t sleep without dreaming about the obsession, I can’t wake up without thinking I’ve done something awful and I can’t live with myself as I can’t remember what actually happened.I want to chop my hand off it’s so distressing.  I’m worried I’m starting to imagine things. What’s going on . I can’t breathe. 

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I don’t know what happened - I’m so scared. Maybe I was dreaming and squeezed my husband instead which is why I thought I did something bad and got scared because it felt real. I’m so confused and scared. What’s happened - I can’t take it. 

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My husband is trying to tell me nothing happened - he was with baby at all times and didn’t come near me whilst putting him to sleep, he’s adamant he stayed at the foot of the bed like he normally does and baby fell asleep on his chest straight after the feed and he held him on his chest there before putting him back in his cot but why then why did I get this awful dreaded feeling I had done something awful. I went to sleep telling myself I’m not a bad person and have never ever done any harm, I dream about it but can’t remember the dream and I wake up worried I’ve done something. The last I remember is seeing baby at the foot of the bed when I gave my husband the bottle and even then I remember doing it carefully  as I didn’t want it to touch baby. I don’t remember anything else until I woke up again. So I saw baby have feed at the foot of bed and then I fall asleep. When I wake up baby is in his cot and husband is next to me. But I get this dreaded feeling of doing something bad but can’t recall what and why and how.
 

I’m worried I need to see a psychiatrist.

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I haven’t yet I was planning on doing so today but now I’m not in the right frame of mind at all.

Its so scary thinking I might have touched the baby - I just don’t remember, I just remember falling asleep and waking up (I was hugging my husband) and then having a thought. Unless my husband has forgotten and he did sit completely next to me, which he never does when putting baby to sleep because he finds it easier to feed / burp him and soothe him at the foot of the bed rather than the head of the bed. The usual routine is husband does this and then let’s baby lie on his chest. 
so why then did I wake up feeling awful and having an awful feeling and an awful thought - I don’t think I will be able to live with myself. 

Edited by Ma29
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I really need to talk to someone. 
I feel awful. I’m so desperate.

My thoughts and reactions to these thoughts consume me during the day, I go to bed telling myself I’m not a bad person and never have I done anything bad, I dream about running away from what I fear,I wake up thinking about the same obsession and then wondering whether I have done something terrible. This is crushing me to pieces. I feel broken.

I go upstairs last night with my husband and he’s trying to put the baby to sleep - attempts to give him a feed so asks me to give him the bottle. I pass it over to him, carefully. Making sure I don’t touch the baby in the process. Baby doesn’t take the bottle and so falls asleep. My husband puts him in the cot and comes into bed. We chat (whilst my intrusive thoughts are flooding in), we laugh, we fall asleep.

Baby stirs and wakes up. We all wake up. I tell my husband to give him the bottle soon before he cry’s more because it will be harder to soothe him back to sleep. So my husband gets up to sit at the foot of the bed and I pass him the bottle. Again, I do this cautiously so I don’t touch the baby. I see them both at the edge of the bed and I fall asleep. 
 

I wake up hugging my husband in a slight panic. I remember my worry of touching and then get panicky I may have touched the baby on his nappy area. However, the baby is in the cot asleep, I am in bed and have been in bed and the last I remember seeing the baby was with my husband at the foot of the bed. After a few minutes panic sets in and I’m convinced I may have done something terrible. I wake my husband up and tell him. He tells me go back to sleep - I just can’t. We go downstairs as I need to leave the room - I panic. I tell him what I’m afraid of and what happened.

He assured me at no point did he sit next to me with the baby. He assures me he was awake the whole time before he put baby in the cot. He tells me I was fast asleep. 

Yes, I know the compulsions going on above - I know but I needed the re assurance because I was in such a panic. 

I don’t know why I can’t remember what I’m fearful of. It’s so scary feeling like you may have done something completely terrible. I just remember being asleep and waking up. But I’m fearful they sat next to me.

I’m so scared - I feel like I’m completely losing my mind.  

 

 

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Ma, I don't want to sound mean or rude but, based on your other thread, it sounds like you got very little sleep last night. From my own experience lack of sleep makes everything worse. Maybe you could get a couple of hours of rest? It think that would help you very much. 

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7 hours ago, Ma29 said:

so why then did I wake up feeling awful and having an awful feeling and an awful thought

Although I know you're feeling dreadful there is still a straightforward answer to this.  What do you think that may be?

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37 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Although I know you're feeling dreadful there is still a straightforward answer to this.  What do you think that may be?

That it was a thought like the other times and not to react by carrying out compulsions. 

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I just don’t understand. 
I’ve  been over and over the night - not being able to recall this happening - but having a mental image of what I think or fearful of what might have happened. For example when thinking about it - I thought the ONLY way I could have been close to baby is if they say next to me at the head of the bed and now I have a mental image of the same. I don’t physically remember doing anything though. I thought I was asleep

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On 13/01/2022 at 15:02, Ma29 said:

My mind won. OCD, you win.

I wrote a post before saying how in the morning I was holding baby to say good morning, cradling him in my arms and I got anxious and asked my husband to take him - whilst taking him, I remember my hand and baby’s bottom touching via the transfer. I’m pretty sure I tried to move my hand away from him. I was ok for the moment however moments later - what ifs come flying in. What if you moved your hand towards his bottom instead ? What if you touched his bottom on purpose ect ect with a bad intention. I know the bad intention is not true I’d never do that despite what this monster is telling me.
 

Well, I tried not to hide - I really really did. I went downstairs and showed the baby some sensory flash cards, gave him a kiss.
 

He then started to cry and my husband was trying to put him to sleep although baby wasn’t settling. So whilst sitting on the sofa I said to my husband - I can try, I faced my fear.

Whilst rocking him, there were tons of thoughts that came in. Such as ‘oh no, his nappy area touched my chest’, ‘oh no I’m rocking using my hips’, ‘mind saying you like this’ I’m completely ignoring these thoughts. Well trying too ignore them and continue rocking him. I’m trying to speak to my husband about something else at the same time. 
 

Now the big part, usually we tap baby’s bottom/ or if you’re me his lower back / bottom (because of my fear) whilst rocking him but I’m trying not too this time and very very aware of what my left hand is doing - it’s like my mind was solely focused on that and I’m just trying so hard NOT to tap him and what happens? I tapped him. I tapped him. I didn’t want too and it happened. It happened. It happened. I lightly tapped his bottom whilst rocking him and I shouldn’t have because I was trying not to for goodness sakes. I didn’t want too.

Moment of panic sets in - why, why, why - I should not have done that.

All while, my husband doesn’t notice a thing whilst staring at me and talking. I’m there sweating buckets thinking what have I done. I leave my plate of lunch on the table and run upstairs.

I’m an awful person. I don’t expect anyone to reply to this. 

I’d like to go to dad now. I can’t cope with this anymore and would be much happier with him up above. 

Ocd, you won. Congratulations. And have left me even more doubtful of the incident in the morning of whether or not I did move my hand on purpose or not.

Please talk to your husband. 
tell him how you feel. 
I’ve come on to this forum today because I’m so sad too and am completely lost. Your little baby needs you. Baby doesn’t know any of this in your mind. Baby just loves you. Yes your mind is playing tricks. But try to remember that’s all it is

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Well....for this last couple of weeks we've talked a great deal about OCD being the cause.  How the anxiety will make you feel as you are doing and how the use of compulsions will heighten the anxiety.  How your thoughts and reactions worsen the way you feel.  I'm not suggesting that you won't have these horrible doubts but it's important that you attribute the cause of them to OCD, it's important that you do rather than just saying "I don't understand".  You need to try to use the information as best you can.  It's only then that you'll start to see small improvements.   The same with the things you've gone through with your therapist.  I know it's really hard Ma but you've got to start trying these suggestions and then things will get easier

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5 hours ago, Ma29 said:

I just don’t understand. 
I’ve  been over and over the night - not being able to recall this happening - but having a mental image of what I think or fearful of what might have happened. For example when thinking about it - I thought the ONLY way I could have been close to baby is if they say next to me at the head of the bed and now I have a mental image of the same. I don’t physically remember doing anything though. I thought I was asleep

"I've been over and over the night..."

That is a compulsion. Compulsions don't work. You will not find the answer you seek by doing this. You'll just go round and round in your head.

You are allowed to leave this alone.

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Hello.

I have been doing really badly over the last few days but have been trying to keep going - it’s been tough. I can’t explain it - it’s almost like after a few days suffering something clicks in my head where I’m like no way I would have done such a thing and although I still have doubts these get less. 
 

Except when one thing ends another starts

polar bear will say another day another thing but here goes

I was playing with the baby and thinking ocd you can’t take my baby away from me I’m not afraid of intrusive thoughts .. my husband was sitting next to the baby and was having a can of Coke but kept putting the Coke can in front of me - I said to him what are you doing ? He said, I’m offering you Coke - he took it back then but I went to take it from his hand to have some then and in transit I noticed my hand is close to the baby’s nappy area which is an area I’m afraid of - I say oh no and ask my husband if I touched it to which he says no, but I feel awful again. I hate this I really hate it.

 

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