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Living. I can’t draw, I can’t write, I’m in constant fear, I’m a prisoner in my own body, I can’t even hug my dog or sit or sleep comfortably. I’ve no joy or interest in anything, I’m just scared and miserable

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You’ll get there I promise 💖

A couple of months ago, I was in the darkest place Ive ever been, but it doesn’t last. I found the more frustrated I got at the OCD and anxiety, the more it stayed. The more I wanted it to go away and forever leave me, it stayed and got stronger. Now, I see it as just another person getting on and off a bus which I’m driving. Some people (intrusive thoughts) unfortunately stay longer and are horrible, but they eventually get off (they fade.)

The book Brain Lock helped me so much too, I believe in you xx

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2 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Well that's a positive.  What's happening with Anne?  Why are you struggling to cuddle her?

I can’t cuddle her the way my brother does, he can hug her, sit with her and she lays on the bed with him, I can only rub her chest and head and if she gets close enough I can give her a kiss, if I reach I can rub her belly. Also, she is so itchy you can barely touch her. She had a skin infection but when she came off the steroids her itching went into overdrive. She is starting new meds but we have to wait until the vet is in next Thursday. I hate seeing her so itchy. The meds are £80 a month so we are having to pool are resources, the vet has to do a home visit as well and they charge £106 just to walk through the door. 

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11 hours ago, Phili said:

The meds are £80 a month so we are having to pool are resources, the vet has to do a home visit as well and they charge £106 just to walk through the door. 

You might already have tried this route Phili, but if not it might be worth checking to see if the PDSA have a centre close to you who might be able to help and if you're eligible:

https://www.pdsa.org.uk/pet-help-and-advice/eligibility

I'm not sure if they provide home visits, I would think it's probably unlikely...but if you were given the green light they may also be able to offer advice around another local charity who could collect Anne and take her to them for treatment. 

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8 hours ago, Caramoole said:

I sympathise over the vets Bill's.  My old dog costs me about £150 a month 😥

How are you doing with your diet & exercising?  I haven't noticed any feedback over on the thread in the members area

Well I was under 22 stone but I’ve been stuffing my face a lot the last two weeks so I may have gone up a few pounds. My exercise is going nowhere, I’m waiting for my brother to clear the area for the chair, it’s taken over a year now, the chair was due to be delivered a few weeks ago but he threw out his back and the space has been filled up again. 

 

6 hours ago, Hal said:

You might already have tried this route Phili, but if not it might be worth checking to see if the PDSA have a centre close to you who might be able to help and if you're eligible:

https://www.pdsa.org.uk/pet-help-and-advice/eligibility

I'm not sure if they provide home visits, I would think it's probably unlikely...but if you were given the green light they may also be able to offer advice around another local charity who could collect Anne and take her to them for treatment. 

Nothing like that in our area unfortunately.

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22 minutes ago, Phili said:

I’m waiting for my brother to clear the area for the chair, it’s taken over a year now

A year?! There's no valid reason for that, only excuses.

You're not nagging him enough! Ok, so he's put his back out temporarily now, but as soon as that's better start nagging him to get on and clear some space.

Life isn't going to improve for either of you if you both potter along doing nothing of significance year in and year out.

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2 hours ago, snowbear said:

A year?! There's no valid reason for that, only excuses.

You're not nagging him enough! Ok, so he's put his back out temporarily now, but as soon as that's better start nagging him to get on and clear some space.

Life isn't going to improve for either of you if you both potter along doing nothing of significance year in and year out.

It healed weeks ago. I’m afraid this is somewhat of an issue. He suffers with mental health issues as well. We also suffer with a lack of storage, he has bought a shelf unit and asked the lady from Pobl to help, so that’s a plus. Tidying for the shower still hasn’t been done and that’s been years, although the pandemic happened in the middle

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People keep telling me to make goals but right now I can’t even draw or write. Most days I’m so confused I don’t know what to do. How can I make goals when I can’t even open a game or a document, write with a pen or draw?

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Then the goal has to be small....like my goal is to pick a one up and doodle...or even "I will pick a pen up".  Like the old saying goes "There's no such thing as can't" and yes, it might seem difficult but you can do it if you decide to.

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On 02/10/2022 at 12:15, Caramoole said:

Then the goal has to be small....like my goal is to pick a one up and doodle...or even "I will pick a pen up".  Like the old saying goes "There's no such thing as can't" and yes, it might seem difficult but you can do it if you decide to.

But no one seems happy with such small goals. When I had my psychology assessment they said the OTs had sent a letter saying that they weren’t happy with my progress but I haven’t seen them for yonks. They ask things like, where do you see yourself in five years, I can’t even see tomorrow, I think I, going to die about five times a day. Although yesterday I nearly did, I swallowed a piece of cake, it got lodged in my throat and I couldn’t breathe for 10 - 15 seconds.

i could cope with small goals but they always want bigger goals

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Ultimately, you do have to keep pushing the goal posts.  You can start small but then keep at it and extend it.  You've been stuck indoors Phili since you were 12 years old.  There were no goals or aims or expectations.  No going to school, gaining qualifications, choosing a career path, making friendships or relationships.  There was nothing so it is easy to see why you find it difficult to set goals.  It's also understandable why life seems so Hellish today.  You snooze, you wake, you snooze again, you don't move around, you don't have any chores, you have no structure....so it's difficult to see things could be any different.  They could if you wanted and if you were willing to put the work in.  That's why they ask "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"  Your answer could be "I'd like to be taking care of myself, to be cooking for me & Darren.  I'd like to lose some weight.  I'd love to be able to go to church sometimes.  It would be good if I could go to a local craft club"  Things like that.  Little Hope's and dreams of some sort of life.  It's no wonder you feel so wretched and bewildered with the life you've lived and are living.  You are in charge of your own destiny now, rather than Mum and Dad.  If I had a magic wand, what "normal" things would you like to be able to do?

You can start small for now and should, you have to start somewhere but then you have to be prepared to stick at it and push the boundaries:)

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I do try but it Feels like no one thinks I’ll get better. The mental health woman said that some people arn’t meant to get better. I feel like no one thinks I try but o go backwards a lot. I do try but then no one seems to care. They say o have to do it for me and that’s a problem because I don’t understand that. 
 

If I had a magic wand I really want to be loved and write, that’s all I want.

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46 minutes ago, Phili said:

I do try but then no one seems to care

Do you really, really try and stick with it though?  Hand on heart?

 

48 minutes ago, Phili said:

The mental health woman said that some people arn’t meant to get better

Then  she should get a different career

 

48 minutes ago, Phili said:

They say o have to do it for me and that’s a problem because I don’t understand that

Well that's true.......but what don't you understand?  Of course you need to do it for you, for your own benefit

 

50 minutes ago, Phili said:

If I had a magic wand I really want to be loved and write, that’s all I want

What is it about writing that's important to you?  Is it achievement, fame, because you love the process?  What is it do you think?

So this week what are you going to do to make some changes?  What about picking that pen up and doodling or writing a paragraph?  And what about your exercises?  Snowbear was there with you exercising but you disappeared.

I know it's very sad but these people that they send to see you won't just keep coming if they don't see you making some effort to engage in the tasks they encourage you to do.  That's their job and they can't just come out to visit.  What services are in place right now?  Who do you have contact with?

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33 minutes ago, Phili said:

The mental health woman said that some people arn’t meant to get better.

:dry:

I suspect this is a misunderstanding of what she actually said. But if she did say it, then she was probably just trying to make you feel better about the lack of progress at that time.

35 minutes ago, Phili said:

I do try but then no one seems to care.

You say that like you expect more of other people than you expect from yourself. Why should other people care if you don't? :ohmy: 

It makes no difference to your therapist or others whether you carry on as you are or turn your life around. They'll get on with their lives either way.

They get their job satisfaction from seeing people set themselves goals and helping them work steadily towards them. There's nothing more soul-destroying in that kind of job than a client who says 'I don't care about me. I don't have any goals. There's nothing I want enough to make me try.' 

YOU need a kick up the rear and a change in attitude before it's reasonable to expect those assigned to help you to care.

Start caring about your own life. Start setting yourself some goals.

 

43 minutes ago, Phili said:

They say o have to do it for me and that’s a problem because I don’t understand that.

Nonsense. :wontlisten: You understand that perfectly. You just aren't motivated to do anything about it.

That's the problem.

44 minutes ago, Phili said:

If I had a magic wand I really want to be loved and write, that’s all I want.

You see? You do have something you could set as a goal and work towards. :)

Perhaps you just see these things as impossible dreams rather than as goals.  :unsure: 

So change that. Think about the intermediary stages of how to get to 'being loved and writing'.

Writers have a daily routine. They write when they feel like it, they pick up a pen and write when they don't feel like it. They write every day no matter what. They make time for it. They write for that set time every day no matter what. Even if it's rubbish writing. They write.  Books and stories don't magically appear on the page because you dream about writing them.

And being loved? Another goal you can break down into smaller achievable goals. To be loved by someone you're going to have to meet people. Where? How? What interests might you share? What places could you plan on going to where you could meet someone like that?

So set those 'dreams' as your end-point goals and then set lots and lots of smaller intermediary goals to get you moving in that direction. :)

You don't need a magic wand. You need motivation. Motivation comes from within. It comes from wanting something enough to set yourself some goals and being prepared to work at it bit by bit, until you turn your dreams into reality.

So, start writing! Maybe the first thing you write should be your plan of action. Step by step small goals that add up over time and get you to the bigger ones.

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I don’t know how to answer, I don’t want to live but I don’t want to die. I don’t know how to fix not caring, I’m miserable but I’m empty. I do try but my sayings and anxiety they just beat me down and often I’m so confused, the day starts and it’s over and I don’t know what happened. I’ve always lived to please, I’m not important. Once I thought I was, thought I was talented, thought I had something to add to the world. I wanted to tell stories because I wanted to make people happy and I wanted to tell them and I thought I was good but then I realised that was an illusion that I was just pumping my own ego and over time o began to realise how small and insignificant I am, that I don’t matter, that I’m just a dot of sand and that the world is incredibly mundane and empty. Everything just seems brown and grey and I just feel like I’m haunting and I don’t know what to do and no one seems to understand or can explain why and why I can’t fix it

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But I do try, this morning I’m fighting my saying to draw without deleting but I achieve something and it’s always what’s next. I do well when I’m pleasing others but then 

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