Saffron37

I was curious, so I googled Chrissie Hodges and found her instagram. Pretty sure you're talking about her latest post?What's really interesting to me is that in everything she wrote, you focused only on the idea that she "doesn't like the feelings" and you "do". What do you think of the rest of her post? It might feel like this is the issue at this particular moment, but you've written that exact same phrase so many times about different aspects of what you perceive. Today it's "enjoying" the groinals, some other day it's "why didn't I move my hand faster" or "why did I do this multiple times" or something else that is the new "key" to your situation. In reality, it's just another mask of the OCD. Do you see how your fixation today is exactly like your other fixations, just slightly different in form?

That's a huge achievement Summer! Congratulations! So happy to hear it went well, but even happier that you made the choice to take that first scary step. Well done.

No, excessive handwashing is definitely a compulsion. A doctor washing his hands that frequently is completely different, as his job requires him to do so and he is not washing out of a distorted feeling of uncleanliness or contamination.

I'm so sorry you had such a scary experience, Summer! One thing that might help is to remember that while hallucinations might be scary, they're not dangerous--they can't hurt you. Of course, anxiety doesn't listen to logic, so I know that just knowing that won't make the distressing feelings go away. However, maybe reminding yourself "Hey, if I hallucinate I hallucinate--it's not a big deal and it can't harm me" might help to ground you against some of the more extreme feelings of anxiety about it happening again. Really, are the hallucinations any worse than the anticipation and dread you're experiencing currently?

I know I sound pathetic but I'm not sure what my problem is, Caramoole. Maybe I'm just one of those cases where recovery isn't possible for some reason? It's possible since this has being going on for years and very little changes have happened. You don't sound pathetic, you sound like you're suffering. <hug> I think one of your biggest obstacles to your recovery is the relentlessly negative self-talk you engage in. How can you build motivation to change when you don't feel that you as a person is worth healing? Is this something you'd be willing to work on, Cora? Either with a therapist or by yourself?

I understand my friend, I really do. But here's the thing: if you're willing to try something, you have to try. Right now, you don't appear to really be trying. Please know that I say that from a place of love and wanting you to get better, not judgment or criticism. I know the symptoms are terribly painful, but you're trading little tiny gasps of relief (by asking for reassurance) in the short term with true, deeper relief and peace in the long term. It's a terrible bargain. Have you listened to any more Brain Lock or perhaps thought about some other form of self-help?

Knowing that nothing will satisfy your OCD (I agree, the only way to "beat" OCD is to not play its game), are you willing in any way to try a different way of approaching your symptoms?

Got it! Then, I’m just wondering—knowing how little time you’ll feel better if someone were to reassure you about today’s worry, is it really worth it? Do you hold out hope that someone, somehow will provide an explanation for you that reassures you permanently, or are you resigned to these minute or hour long reassurances?

Cora, in the past when people have offered explanations and information about your fears, have you felt reassured? If so, for how long?

Hi friend! This is a wonderful situation to observe the OCD cycle at work. You're walking along minding your own business, when suddenly an intrusive thought tells you to walk through that alley or something bad will happen. You don't want to walk through the alley, but your anxiety is too high and the intrusive voice is too loud, so you give in and perform the compulsion. Right afterwards, the OCD's appetite whetted, it tells you to do it again (this is where reading the part in Brain Lock about the different brain structures tied to OCD may be very helpful). You resist this time, and when you get home and realize that you've forgotten something at the store--a totally normal occurrence--your OCD decides to tie that unrelated incident to the compulsion. OCD is super good at tying unrelated incidents/feelings/etc together. Compulsions themselves serve to relieve anxiety--the anxiety of what the OCD tells us might happen if we refrain from the compulsion. The content of compulsions, however, are usually very unpleasant and not enjoyable. So it makes perfect sense, actually, that OCD would pick something scary to do as a compulsion. I absolutely hate performing the compulsions I do, but nonetheless there's that "I must or else" feeling. In reality, there's a lot of similarities between OCD compulsive behaviors and addictive behaviors. Both involve feelings of lack of control and an intense, overwhelming force to perform the behavior. The major difference is that someone with alcohol addiction, for example, does derive enjoyment and pleasure from the addictive behavior, even if they recognize how destructive and terrible it is. People with OCD do not enjoy their compulsions--usually it's the opposite--but they still feel compelled to do the behavior. Hope this helps clarify!

Extremely well said, @malina!

My therapist, who specializes in anxiety disorders says that Brain Lock is her favorite book on OCD and one that she greatly recommends. I found it extremely helpful.

Classic OCD. The OCD sends endless messages that there is an emergency, that there is something vitally important that you must figure out at all costs. However, the focus of the obsession only gives so much to work with, and after a while the brain is forced to focus in on tinier and tinier details, or more and more far-out conclusions, to keep up with the anxiety. The anxieties start making even less sense logically, because the OCD becomes less and less grounded in reality as time goes on. I've experienced this phenomenon a lot. It sucks but it's 100% the disorder. I do believe in manifestation in a certain way--I believe that what you put out there, you get back in terms of things like positivity and general energy, but it's clear that it's impossible to literally manifest something by thinking. Otherwise, we'd have a whole nation of lottery winners and football stars, right? If it continues to bother you, you might literally try to manifest something (something harmless and non-threatening to think about), like the upcoming week's lottery numbers. Every day, think "I was those to be the winning number. I want those to be the winning numbers." or whatever feels appropriate. Then, see which numbers are actually drawn! Also, while I totally agree with @Darwinia about the end goal being turning off the "pattern detector" entirely, I do think that at first actively relabeling intrusive thoughts/urges as OCD symptoms can be very helpful. Oh jeez I've experienced that constant anxiety. It's awful. It's like the compulsions are constant, right? There have definitely been bad moments when I really feared I was going insane, and it seems that a lot of people with OCD have this experience. You 100% do not have psychosis, you have OCD. Hope your today is better than your yesterday! Sending hugs!

Hi Cora. I'm really proud of you for not confessing and seeking reassurance. Great job. I also really like that I'm seeing you talk about feelings towards yourself as opposed to totally defining yourself by those emotions. That's a healthy step. I had many years of deep self-loathing. I felt broken, stupid, idiotic for not being able to fix myself, unworthy of love. I tell you all of this because now, I treat myself with deep kindness, and I want you to know that that transformation can occur. In my experience, the best way to "fight" the feelings is not to struggle against them, but instead to try and counter that voice/feeling with something else, something positive. Think of the person you love most in the world. Now, imagine that they were going through as much pain as you have been. How would you treat them? How would you speak to them, what would you ask them to do? What would you think they need? Now, try to apply that to yourself. It may feel ridiculous at first, but I believe that deep down you do love yourself and want to be free.

I've been struggling the past few weeks with compulsions, especially in the mornings (ugh), and been thinking about why they feel so impossible to resist. I've concluded that a lot of it is that resistance is in no way impossible--it's extremely simple. It just requires the acceptance and tolerance of more discomfort than we're used to. A lot more. I've tried to readjust my expectations to help prepare for the pain. I've already found that if I can get past the initial peak of awfulness, the discomfort tends to recede pretty quickly. Have you read any books on OCD, Fredagain?

My friend, I know this is very hard. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. But I suspect that the reassurance you receive from us/others is starting to be not quite as comforting as it used to be, or not last as long. How long do you usually feel better after receiving reassurance from someone on the site?

How about doing some self-help? I can give you some great book recommendations!

You know what's cool about your message? Reading it, I don't get someone asking for reassurance. I get someone who is sick and tired of what this is doing to their life. I see someone who is tired and sad but also angry and ready to fight. You clearly have good insight into your behavior, and you have a lot of desire to change. What's next?

It's impossible to prove a negative. There is absolutely no way that I can prove, for example, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will never kill someone, molest someone, whatever terrible act I can imagine. I can't prove it because I've only lived part of my life! What OCD demands--perfect certainty--simply does not and cannot exist. It can be really freeing to see that nothing can satisfy the OCD, because it means that you can move on from trying to somehow do so.

I'm sorry, that sounds very frustrating and upsetting. Ok, how about some self-help? There are some really excellent, effective books on how to treat OCD with CBT therapy, ERP therapy, and so on. Even without a therapist you'd be able to do a lot of good work for yourself.

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss, @Back Again. I lost my father at the end of January 2020, and it was the beginning of this nightmare for me. It makes complete sense that such a terrible loss, combined with the pandemic, would supercharge your OCD. I'm sending you so many hugs. I'm glad you're on some sort of medication, is your psychiatrist aware of what's going on with you? They're there for just these kinds of times. Also, are you open to working with a counselor or perhaps doing some self-help? Please remember that as devastating as these thoughts feel, they are worthless brain noise. They mean absolutely nothing about you.

Are you receiving any help for your OCD, or seeking any kind of treatment?

Hi there, I'm so sorry you're suffering from intrusive thoughts. But you know what the really great thing is? They're just thoughts. And not just that--they're not normal thoughts at all, they're meaningless brain noise produced by the OCD. They mean literally nothing. Your brain has been hijacked by OCD and is bombarding you with feelings that you've done something wrong, but you haven't hurt anyone at all. The only person being hurt here is you. It might feel like you might say something nasty, but that's 100% the OCD lying to you. You're still entirely in control and nothing can force you to say something bad. It's okay to breathe now. You can tell your body and mind that there is no emergency, and that it's okay to relax.

Cora, forgive me if I've asked this question in the past, but are you taking any medication for OCD? Have you ever taken medication before? Also, do you have an appointment yet with the OCD specialist that your psychiatrist referred you to?

I'm so sorry that your anxiety is still high! <hug> I know it's really tough to decide what is right and what isn't when you're so anxious, but if you absolutely had to answer, what would you say? Putting aside the emotion you're feeling (as hard as that is!), do you believe that your thoughts have the power to kill someone? I know I'm pushing you a little, but I want you to start tapping into your logical side a little bit more--it's easy to forget that that part of our brain exists when we're so anxious!