Maybe suicidal

[Northern Star]

Hi guys,

Thank you - you are all so kind to have remembered and asked how it went.

It was hard, terrifying at times. I broke down in tears over this "thing that happened", I had anxiety wave after anxiety wave after anxiety wave on the way home, to the point of having to stop at every parking place on the A30 for a time. I also washed my hair in the sink at the loo at the clinic because I felt it was contaminated.

I don't want to be cryptic (even though I know I am), the things that happened more than two years ago were big mistakes on my part, I was stupid and wrong, there is no debate about that, it's the truth accepted by those few who know; OCD has then taken over those to build them into having massive importance in my head. I managed to tell the Prof most of it all, he didn't freak out, didn't think I was a **** person for it, both of which I was expecting. But the last couple of days have been utterly horrendous at times, with spike after spike after spike. Today I finally told my CPN what was going on in my head; to my utter amazement he said his first reaction was "is that it?". I was physically shaking after telling him, waiting for his reaction. I said that he needed to know so that he could think badly of me if necessary. He has said he thinks no worse of me; I am trying to get my head round that. I was expecting one or both of them to think I was scum, neither of them did. Tuesday took a lot out of me, more than I expected. I had been planning on getting home and eating; instead I just had a bath and went to bed.

Yesterday at work I went into a room on my own and sobbed and sobbed, I was in a terrible state. So much so that my boss took me to one side today to ask if I was ok - he had noticed I was very withdrawn, away from my desk a lot, etc. I said that I think I am ok, that the treatment is proving harder than I'd expected, that there has been something going round and round my head that I finally told someone (the Prof and my CPN), that I hope it is finally at least somewhat dealt with. The Prof said that we are going to focus on the contamination first then on this thing. I said to him that the contamination stuff doesn't matter, it's the "thing" that's bothering me, to which he replied: "Jo, you were stuck in a car park cleaning for an hour and a half on Sun evening - don't tell me the contamination stuff doesn't matter"! I said that yes it matters but it's the other thing that is overwhelming at times, but I accept his professional judgment that we should work on contamination OCD first.

My CPN now knows the worst about me and hasn't rejected me; to me this is a massive thing; I think the world of him and trust him implicitly but I fully expected him to turn round and tell me that he thinks worse of me. He didn't. I know I keep saying this, but this is massive to me. I am fighting to come to terms with that, it's something that has been distressing me for a while now, the idea that actually I might be able to move on from it is alien to me.

The Prof is coming to me on Tues to do some contamination stuff. I don't want him in my house because I hate people visiting my house because I believe they will be harmed. I know that's all the more reason why he should visit. I think he is going to talk me through what to expect. My house isn't clean; I know I have contamination OCD but honestly, if you came to my house then you would think it's a state. Ironic. I want to blitz-clean it before he arrives, I don't know whether that is right or not. I am actually ashamed of some areas of my house. I am also deeply ashamed of the "thing", he and my CPN though have said that it's not as bad as my head is telling me it is. I am in a strange state this evening. If I tell you that last night / this morning I was vaguely entertaining the idea of suicide to prevent me worrying any more about it then maybe that will show the depth of my terror. Last night I was considering self-harming to try to get some relief from it. I didn't do either though. I am fighting to stay in control and I feel some relief from having told my CPN and his reaction, but it hasn't quite sunk in yet.

I need not to let it impact my work; it hasn't done yet but there is obviously that danger. I don't want to let that happen. Aside from that, I have done a fair few video diaries for the ITV documentary, they are also hoping to film me at work soon.

So, the Prof was great, my CPN is great, the only person who isn't great is me. I am trying to stay in control, trying not to let this destroy me. I have been in a state of panic at times over the last couple of days. It doesn't quite feel real. I have to make this treatment work, which puts more pressure on but pressure can be good sometimes. I don't want to mess this up, I have already messed up too much.

PS sorry I am not being very good at posting or responding to people's threads at the mo - it has taken me until this evening to feel able to write this.

[Guest FobicFairy]

Oh Jo it all sounds really awful, but you need to trust the prof and other mental health workers opinions. Try not to clean, Prof S knows what he is doing and if he thought there was any risk in going to your home he wouldn't visit.

Sorry this is short and sweet, I am off to bed soon.

Hang on in there, it's still very early days yet.

Take care, FF xxx

[lovid]

So glad to hear that you're finally getting the treatment you need.It seems such a shame that you have to stop when you're driving to cry and deal with your anxiety attacks.you probably won't believe it but I bet we would all agree with the prof that what you thought is so bad is really not.One day I think you will be well enough to realize that too.I look forward to some better days ahead for you now. :original:

[Guest sarah1984]

Hi Jo,

I'm sorry to hear you've been through such a gruelling time over the past few days. I know from previous posts that you are incredibly hard on yourself and that you have one set of standards for judging yourself and a completely different one for judging others. That's why I'm not surprised that neither your CPN nor the Prof thinks it's a big deal. I don't know what it is you've done in the past that you are so ashamed about and I don't need to know at all - I've made some pretty big mistakes myself but the important thing is to learn to move on and to forgive yourself. I really hope that with Prof S's help you will be able to develop a deeper sense of self-compassion and self-worth.

I agree with FF that you need to trust the Prof's judgement - if he feels it's completely safe to visit your house, then it is safe. Remember that as a contamination OCD sufferer your ideas of what's safe/dangerous are grossly distorted and the Prof's a much better judge here than you are. Please don't get all worried about giving your house a deep clean before he comes - being able to have outsiders in your house without thoroughly de-contaminating beforehand is going to be one of the goals of your treatment. There's no need to feel embarrassed about being messy - if you have piles of 'contaminated' possessions around your house that you can't face cleaning, it will give the Prof a better understanding of your difficulties. As an expert on hoarding disorders, he will have visited houses that are far more dirty and untidy than yours.

It must be very hard for you but try not to push yourself too far. By all means, get angry with your OCD and give your all to your treatment but don't beat yourself up for feeling anxious or failing to complete an exposure exercise. You need to pace yourself and accept that you won't achieve 100% cure over night. This was your very first session so it was a big hurdle to get over and you were extra anxious as a result of having to discuss your past actions with the Prof.

I'm very much looking forward to ITV's documentary on severe OCD and it sounds as if it's going to be a sensitive and intelligent exploration. I wanted to thank you for all you do to raise awareness of this horrible disorder. Your willingness to talk about your OCD to the media and to help fellow sufferers on the forum is proof to me of your unselfish and caring nature, regardless of whether you believe in it yourself.

Try not to worry too much about responding to people's messages on here - you need to put yourself and your treatment first at the moment. We're all thinking about you and wishing you well. I've been checking the forum regularly over the past few days so I could hear how you got on - just update us when you can.

I wish you all the very best of luck for your home visit.

Take Care Jo,

Sarah x

[Guest keephealing]

Northern Star how are you? Hope you're doing better

[Northern Star]

Hi guys,

You are so kind to me, thank you.

Sarah, your posts are always so thoughtful. For a long time I hid my OCD, tried not to let people know about it. But it has been too long, if I'd felt able to be open about it a decade ago when it started then maybe I'd be well by now. I am scared to be on national TV with my OCD, there have been aspects I haven't let them film, out of fear, shame, embarrassment etc. But they are filming me at work on Mon, to show that sometimes people can work with OCD, also that some employers can be good with mental illness. They are then going to do a bit more filming at my home on Mon evening when I get back from work. I have done a few video diaries this week, a couple of which have been quite upset, in tears etc. I've wanted my participation in this to be as positive as possible, but I guess these show how much OCD can affect some. I am nervous to see the edited piece; I haven't told many people I'm doing this in case I don't like it, but the producers have said I will get to see it before it's broadcast and can ask for any bits I'm unhappy with to be altered. I am so passionate about improving life for people with OCD; I am so sick of the jokes about it, of the belief that it's "not that serious" or whatever. In a way I guess I'm trying to stand up for OCD sufferers, to show that we are members of society, with dreams, aspirations, loved ones, etc like most other people.

FF - I don't want him in my house :huh:. The downstairs is OK, relatively "safe" but if he goes into "my" bathroom (I have the bathroom, hubby has the en-suite, simpler OCD-wise that way) then I am going to worry; I know he wouldn't avoid touching things or wash his hands if I asked him to. I am going to have to do some cleaning, I couldn't let him near the bathroom at the mo. I'm not sure what we are going to do, quite nervous about it.

lovid - I didn't cry on the way home but was having loads of anxiety. I had to keep pulling over because I wasn't necessarily in a fit state to drive, then I'd pull over, calm down and set off again, before the next wave of anxiety, and so on.

keephealing, thank you too.

It's our 6-year wedding anniversary today (Sun). OCD etc is overshadowing it but hopefully we can have a good day together. I am still battling with past memories, have had loads of reassurance (a necessary evil in this case :blushing:), and trying to put them out of my head. The Prof has asked me to try to focus exclusively on contamination for now, that is what I will try to do.

He did however ask me to listen to the recording of our session this week. I started to do so but got myself into a mess, very anxious listening to it. I don't think I can manage it. Early homework and I fail . It's that when I listen to it I start to worry, I can't focus 100% on contamination. I think I will try to listen to the contamination bits and skip through the others. I know that's a cop-out, however I am on a fragile level at the mo and don't want to come crashing down again, so maybe this is an OK compromise.

Edited July 7, 2013 by Northern Star

[Guest FobicFairy]

Hi Star,

This is how it's supposed to work, both you and Prof S finding the best starting point for your treatment. When I was in Springfield I was told the same as you to concentrate on your contamination issues for now. He isn't going to storm in your home and flood you by upsetting your entire home life, he will want to understand how you live.

Just take one day at a time then gradually there will be progress. I found once I had faced a few fears and the therapy worked I had more faith in the process and the anxiety was worth facing. It is going to be really hard, but it will be life changing. Just keep telling yourself that over the next few months you are going to get so much better. What's a few bad months when you could have an ocd free future? Honestly it's 100% the best thing you will ever do. If my OCD did get worse I wouldn't hesitate in going through the ERP process again.

I can't tell you how much I am behind you and wish I could help you. You and 2 others on here are all fighting the same type of OCD and I want all of you to be as well as I am. Go girls!

[Guest Elle Belle]

Hi Jo,

I am so sorry for the gruelling time you're going through and you don't deserve this. You are an incredibly lovely person - it's clear from your posts, and how even when you're in such despair, you send supportive messages to help others.

We're all behind you and I want to say thank you so much for doing an ITV documentary. I hope the people who have given me a hard time about this, or dismissed it, watch it when it is aired.

Sending hugs and support,

Elle

xxx

[Guest Annabel]

Hi Jo,

Did you have another session yesterday? was it okay? Were you able to listen to the recording of your session in the end or did you explain to the prof that it was triggering?

I hope the documentary filming is going well, I'm really glad it's being made.

xx

Edited July 10, 2013 by Annabel

[ecomum]

well donefor going to work northern star .ive had days like that and going is the best thing you could have done on so many levels.you sound a lot like me in many ways .thanks for sharing.best wishes ecomum

[ecomum]

sarah 1984-my councellor is working on helping me be kinder to myself and build up my self worth and self confidence as she feels this is the route of my doubting myself and thinking ive caused someone harm or contaminated them.i am finding this thread very supportive and helpful.thanks everyone

[lovid]

It's an amazing thing that you're doing,making this film to help the others with ocd.We're all very proud of you and behind you all the way.It's people like you that will make things better in time for all of us and that's important because it really needs doing.It must be worrying for you with the treatment being quite intensive at the moment but it does seem that you're in very good hands.I would say try not to worry but as we all know it's not that easy.I really hope things start getting better for you really soon.It's so unfair the way it is sometimes but keep on fighting and remember you're very much not alone :original:

[Northern Star]

Many thanks all

Tues was intense and scary but good scary. I did things I never would have thought I would / could, the Prof said to me that he hadn't expected me to do so much either!! After they left though I had a panic attack; I very rarely get panic attacks, I think the last one was a few years ago. I freaked out about the contamination, I was sobbing and gasping for breath, retching too. I have read and learnt enough about panic attacks to know that the thing to do is to control your breathing so thankfully I quickly managed to get it under control. Panic attacks don't scare me but it hit me by surprise. The Prof was great though, he had left and it wasn't anything he had done, I just had neglected to tell him the extent of the "contamination" plus I freaked out when I thought about all the stuff we had contaminated in the house. Once I had settled down I did some "decontamination", nowhere near everything though. I shouldn't have decontaminated at all but I was completely stressed out and I had a train to catch for a work course so I did the bare minimum to be able to get out of the house and into my car.

Made my train with about five mins to spare, anxiety-filled train journey up to Birmingham. Got to the hotel about 9:30pm and didn't have the energy to wash and eat so just washed and went to bed instead. The course was ironically a 3-day course to make me more risk aware in the workplace; I didn't point out how ironic it was that I was being trained to be more risk-aware the day after spending considerable time with OCD experts trying to make me less risk-aware!!

The days threw up lots and lots of OCD challenges; most of them I failed but I did have a few successes, did things I wouldn't have done a few days ago. There is still so much work to be done though; Prof Paul would like me to challenge the contamination OCD every single time, I am nowhere near that but I do try to challenge it when I can. Last night we got back to the hotel after a meal and I went back out again because I was about to run out of anti-bac spray; the local Tesco didn't have any so I had to resort to anti-bac wipes.

Today was the last day of the course; the tutor and I were the only people in the room at one point and he said to me, "you're quite good at this; have you thought about a career as a H&S consultant?"!?! I didn't let on that I have OCD and see risk in more situations than I would like to but it was nice praise especially as I thought I hadn't done that well in the course.

A group of us was going to get a taxi to the train station; unfortunately I got so into washing in the loos that I couldn't find any of them when I came out, think they had left without me. I washed not only hands and arms as usual, but also top and hair, legs etc, had to change my top because it was sopping. So I ended up walking through Birmingham city centre to the station with another colleague. I had my bag with me (3 nights away but enough clothes for a week for a non-contamination-OCDer); I couldn't even wheel it as I thought it would get contaminated from the pavements (!) so I had it on my shoulder in the baking heat all the way, am bruised etc from it tonight. Of more concern though is the habit I have developed of using anti-bac surface cleanser spray on my skin. When I can't feel clean enough I spray myself with it and my skin has reacted to it and formed something like blisters which are quite sore. I know it's dangerous etc but I prefer the physical pain to the mental anguish of believing I might contaminate people. I haven't told Prof Paul that yet but I will do, I think that's something we need to tackle sooner rather than later, it hurts and I don't want to cause an infection (ironic that cleaning might give me an infection, I have already had a couple of ear infections from washing my hair too much for OCD reasons).

Prof Paul has also pointed out to me something that I do that I hadn't quite realised was OCD. I worry a huge amount that I have upset / angered people etc and will ask them (which I know is reassurance, not quite sure why I hadn't properly realised it's OCD) and he pointed out to me the Theory A / Theory B aspect of it (from the "Break Free...." book). So that's something else to work on. I think that one clearly stems from my lack of self-esteem, which I know he wants to work on with me. Contamination is the first priority though, am trying to focus on that.

PS I have done a couple more video diaries for the ITV program, not sure how it will come out but I have tried to show the better and worse moments in OCD. I am nervous for when it comes out, won't be telling anyone I know when it's on until I have seen the edit but I have been extremely impressed by the producers who have taken such time to understand OCD rather than sensationalise it and they are keen to capture the "lesser talked about" aspects of OCD such as intrusive harm thoughts. It should be a good documentary I think

[Guest orange socks]

Awww well done hunny ....keep at the therapy girl

I apologise for not knowing the whole of your story, but are you actually in the catchment area to actually get Paul himself as your therapist ....or we're you just referred to him cause other treatments had failed ?

The reason I ask is that I visited my doctors again yesterday to broach the subject of getting even more treatment and basically I have been written off as resistant to all treatment now , having had so many years of it and over 39 years of ocd ......I was just wondering how you managed to bag Paul himself ? Though I am glad you did hunny ..... Your worth a million of me

You keep going with the treatment mate and be sure to be honest with him about what happens after he leaves too . Do you know how many sessions you have been offered with him ?

I'm pretty similar to you in as much my ocd concerns worry for others and not necessarily myself ...I also make myself ill worrying about upsetting others etc.

glad the video diaries are going well ..... Do you know when the edit will be complete and you'll get a chance to see it ? Have you done much filming with the girls ....or are you mainly working through video diaries?

Looking forward to seeing your part of the programme x

Edited July 13, 2013 by orange socks

[lovid]

Prof Paul seems to be getting to the root of the problem and it's interesting how he wants to tackle the way you worry about people being angered or upset.I can definitely relate to that one.I wish your colleagues hadn't left you in the toilets though.I don't think the health and safety lectures had made much of an impression on them!I bet you and probably most of the other people on here wouldn't have left anyone.We would have been too worried about them.Anyway they obviously don't worry much about upsetting or angering others and perhaps there is a lesson in there about how other people cope with life.we just need to borrow some of their ways of dealing with things.(but not too much).I know your main concerns are with contamination though.Keep fighting.Things will get better :original:

[Northern Star]

Hi OS,

I fought for a referral to Prof Paul's clinic as my local NHS psychologist had told me that perhaps I should learn to live alongside my OCD rather than seeking to be cured from it. Luckily my CPN is fab and believes I could get better and helped me to get the funding.

Re the documentary - I have done a lot more filming with the girls than video diaries. I don't think any of the filming they have done has really captured me when OCD is at its worst, which is where the video diaries have come into their own, although me crying isn't the hopeful side I'd hoped to show the viewers.

Hi lovid,

In fairness to my colleagues, I don't think they knew I was in the toilets as I tend to use the disabled loo as a) the sink is close by and b) no-one can see how much I am washing. We ended up on the same train, they had walked too but we had evidently missed each other. None of them knows about my OCD as they were from other offices around the country. But I was glad I found another colleague to guide me to the station!! She offered to help me carry my bag (no way - it was contaminated!) and another asked why I didn't wheel it (contamination) to which I made up some excuse. Prof Paul is getting to the heart of it; it bloody hurts though. He seems convinced that it boils down to OCD and minus values of self-compassion, whereas I see it as some OCD and some me being a bad person. It doesn't hurt because of anything he is or isn't doing, rather that it is bringing stuff up I try not to think about. He so far has been unflappable and unshockable though.

I am failing fairly miserably on the ERP front. I didn't want to write that, I wanted to say that I am doing fab. When the Prof was next to me I managed some pretty scary stuff, but on my own I lack the self-confidence and self-belief to go against what the OCD is saying. If I were the one I thought would be harmed then no problem, I would stop washing etc in a heartbeat. But I do all this washing and cleaning to try to protect others in OCD's misguided way. I am slipping at times; I am now applying anti-bacterial surface spray to my skin several times a day. It has begun to hurt. I have discovered that Aldi's hurts less than Asda's, but it still causes inflammation of my skin. The physical pain though feels preferable to the fear, shame, guilt that I could cause someone else harm. I know it shouldn't be an "either...or" situation but my OCD says that it is. The baby steps I have taken on my own have been where I have swapped overt compulsions such as washing for covert ones such as self-reassurance, so not really progress after all.

On Mon I was at work at 0725 because I woke at 0530 and was too OCD-y to go back to sleep. But I returned home at about half 9 because OCD kicked in and I had to wash and change clothes.

Perhaps more worrying is that the self-harm thoughts returned a couple / few weeks ago and have since stepped up their intensity. Suicidal thoughts have also made a return. I haven't done either but I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about them. I did wonder if maybe I could tell myself that the pain from the anti-bac is an unintentional form of self-harm and that maybe therefore it could serve that purpose inadvertently.

I just long for one day, just one day, of peace from it all, from the memories of past mistakes that haunt me, from the relentless worrying, from the dependency on anti-bac spray.

I am 26; I reckon if I put all my OCD together it would be in excess of a year non-stop. What a waste. And yet I am too scared to tackle it head-on. I have lost a lot to it already; I worry I will lose my husband / marriage because of OCD and my baggage etc.

[Northern Star]

I don't know what to do overall. I am up and down mood-wise, OCD is winning too. My skin is red, inflamed, blistered from the anti-bac spray - it hurts. I keep on with it though, I shouldn't but I do. The pain doesn't bother me that much, it's not that bad. Right now I feel like maybe I deserve it anyway. I don't do it for the pain, I do it because I fear otherwise I will contaminate people / things. It's making a bit of a mess of my skin, I don't feel it particularly matters though.

Today I have kept busy, albeit with plenty of OCD. My parents got back from their hols today so I spent most of the day with them, when I could forget about everything I felt better. I am fighting to stay in control, but I am being worn down. It's not all OCD. I should be focussing purely on the contamination OCD but I am getting nowhere with that and my head takes me back over some of my past massive mess-ups.

The self-damaging / self-destructing thoughts etc have been around at times today. It's been years since I self-harmed on a regular basis yet when I get stressed my mind sometimes defaults back to self-harm. I have self-harmed occasionally over the years since, I have attempted suicide too. The thought of harming myself or worse is actually comforting to me tonight; I know it's there "in reserve" (it's a crappy reserve, granted). I know I shouldn't, I've been there, done that, got the...well...scars; if it were someone else on here writing this I would be saying to them that self-harm doesn't solve anything, that suicide is an awful solution, etc. I know about the techniques to try to avoid self-harming, but still I think about it.

I don't honestly know what I will end up doing; OCD is proving a tricky customer, demanding, rude, aggressive, painful; with everything else in the picture I don't know if I will end up deciding I should cause pain to myself, etc. But nothing like that tonight; now I will wash (again), spray anti-bac (again), try to get lots of sleep with one of the cats.

Edited July 21, 2013 by Northern Star

[lovid]

Oh Jo.I'm so sorry that it seems to be so bad at the moment.When do you see the Prof next.I guess you know what I'm going to say about the suicide thing.Basically I and I'm sure many others would be so sad to lose you.Although we've never met I feel that I know you as a friend through your posts and would be devastated if you took yourself away.I don't want to increase the pressure on you, and I know the comforting feeling you can get from thinking about suicide, but what I do sometimes when I'm feeling really bad is I think I'll manage another year then see how I feel and keep doing that until others have had time to make me feel better. I know that you think of others needs before your own which is (in my opinion)one of the things that is unusual in you and maybe contributing to the problems but you are helping the future sufferers so much with this by building a road forward with progressing treatments. I have found the NHS very reluctant to deal with this effectively and prefer to make a token effort to make it look like they're trying, but you have a very articulate personality and can get the message across to the doctors , health professionals,politicians and public very effectively and you are doing so much good.I just wish you weren't suffering. x

[Northern Star]

Thank you for your kind post lovid .

I see the Prof next in three weeks' time. Things sometimes feel to get on top of me, it is at those times that the suicidal feelings start up. It's not just OCD, there's other stuff going on too; OCD is definitely not helping though! I can't seem to put the ERP into practice on my own; I know the theory but I am still going along with OCD's demands.

I have mentioned to my wonderful CPN how bad things are. I want so much to get a grip on this and show it who's boss; at the moment I just can't seem to manage it. The will is there but it's like I'm hitting a brick wall.

I would love to beat this and to help other sufferers.

[lovid]

I know how it is when you can't put the theory into practice on your own.With everyone's help that should be easier.I know you will beat this in time and will have taught the professionals and yourself the way forward.Don't forget we're with you all the way

[Cub]

Hello Star

I'm sorry the self-harm thoughts are lingering, they are awful, aren't they? You are doing so well in the fact that you keep going. Well done.

E x

[Guest Tricia]

Dear Jo, I've not been here for many weeks, but I do think of you every day. I am so sorry that things are still so bad. I pray that the professor can help you. So many people care about you, Jo.

Love, Tricia xx

[Guest orange socks (2)]

Thank you for your kind post lovid .

I see the Prof next in three weeks' time. Things sometimes feel to get on top of me, it is at those times that the suicidal feelings start up. It's not just OCD, there's other stuff going on too; OCD is definitely not helping though! I can't seem to put the ERP into practice on my own; I know the theory but I am still going along with OCD's demands.

I have mentioned to my wonderful CPN how bad things are. I want so much to get a grip on this and show it who's boss; at the moment I just can't seem to manage it. The will is there but it's like I'm hitting a brick wall.

I would love to beat this and to help other sufferers.

Hunny how come you have to wait 3 weeks before you can see the prof again ? It seems a long time in these first vital days of starting therapy...... It's actually the most important time.....these tentative first few steps...... 3 weeks mate...... You need support at least weekly as a minimum ....... Do you have anyone you can see in his absence ...... Just to tide you over ?

Sorry if I have spoken out of term and aren't reading the situation correctly ....... But if your only getting therapy once every 3 weeks its no good mate...... You need more support and more frequent cbt ...... Does he have someone that helps you in his absence hunny xx