Maybe suicidal

[Northern Star]

Thank you Sophie :hug:

Worked again today, am off tomorrow thankfully (so tired), back in on Mon, which is hopefully decision day re funding. Tuesday evening this week was one of the worst of my life, if I stop to think then I worry I may be risking mental collapse so I try not to think, just try to be in the moment. I have to aim for Monday and hope that it will be a positive outcome. So close now.

[Guest sarah1984]

Thinking of you tomorrow NS - all the very best of luck.

Take Care,

Sarah x

[Guest SophieM]

Thinking of you as well, dear NS - I so hope there will be a positive outcome tomorrow.

Lots of best wishes,

S. xxx

[Northern Star]

Thank you Sarah and Sophie :hug: You have both been towers of strength to me and I hope things are ok with you both.

Hopefully at some point tomorrow I will be on here with a very happy post!!

[Guest SophieM]

Hi NS,

How are you? I so hope you had some good news today!

:hug:

Lots of best wishes,

S. xx

[Northern Star]

Hi Sophie,

Thank you for remembering and for asking :hug:

I was all psyched up this morning for it, my CPN went along to the meeting....where they decided they had some unanswered questions (quite why they waited until today to raise these, I don't know, when they had my application nearly three weeks ago, but anyway...). We were told that if we could get answers back to them today then they would make their decision today or tomorrow. Luckily I have some great people on my side and between us we managed to get the answers to them, so now I am just waiting again. I should have an answer tomorrow. If I don't then it will be a couple of weeks until the panel next meets, which I know isn't long in the grand scheme of things but when things are so stress-filled at times then it feels too long. My CPN is pushing it as hard as he can, as he knows how much I desperately need this treatment and quickly. I had been aiming for today so felt a little deflated at times but the fact they are asking such questions must be a good sign, that they are considering it seriously, and I am thinking positively. It doesn't quite feel real, I'm not sure it will until I am actually getting better. I hope I do, anyway.

If I get this treatment then it will be immensely difficult; in the meantime I have to win this other battle .

[Guest honey]

Hope you get the result you need today NS. It is nothing short of criminal that you have had to wait this long. I don't pay my taxes so that the system can string things out like this! Good luck :original:

honey

[Guest SophieM]

Thinking of you today xxx

[lovid]

It's so sad that people will let others suffer just to save a little money.Just human nature I suppose but they wouldn't like it if they had to suffer the way you do.I know if a lot more had bad ocd then the treatments would be far better.Just the luck of the draw us being in that unlucky 1% I guess.Anyway people like you are helping to change all that thanks to your courage and determination.Have you heard anything today?

[Guest Annabel]

Hi Jo,

I'm sorry you're having to fight really hard to get help but it sounds like you're maybe almost there now. I hope their decision goes in your favour, you certainly need and deserve specialist treatment.

Good luck xxx

[Northern Star]

Very quick post as just on a lunch break at work.

But.

It's going to be a yes . Waiting for some paperwork before they can issue the funding agreement but they have just confirmed with my CPN that once that paperwork comes in from the clinic in Bristol, it will be a yes decision and they won't now withdraw that.

[Guest legend]

brilliant news jo . x

Very quick post as just on a lunch break at work.

But.

It's going to be a yes . Waiting for some paperwork before they can issue the funding agreement but they have just confirmed with my CPN that once that paperwork comes in from the clinic in Bristol, it will be a yes decision and they won't now withdraw that.

[Lost_in_a_Dark_Maze]

That's fantastic news! I'm so pleased for you. :hug:

[Guest SophieM]

That's brillant news!!!!!

So pleased for you.

S. xxxxx :hug:

[Northern Star]

Thank you

I should be on top of the world. I am relieved that this is going to happen; unfortunately there is some stuff going on in the background that I won't put on here but it's something that could prove devastating I think. I am trying to focus on the positive of today, though, and hope that this treatment news has come in time. In the meantime I also need to try to get hold of the paperwork that the funding panel is asking for, so that they can issue the funding agreement and I can book in my first session.

PS I really hope people aren't thinking, "oh god, she's never happy is she?!?" The stuff rumbling on in the background has been going on for a little while and it takes its toll at times.

Edited June 13, 2013 by Northern Star

[Guest legend]

This hopefully is a turning point now in your life.

look after yourself. Your a top person, unfortunately debilitated by ocd, but that's all going to change

Huge hugs x

legend xx

Thank you

I should be on top of the world. I am relieved that this is going to happen; unfortunately there is some stuff going on in the background that I won't put on here but it's something that could prove devastating I think. I am trying to focus on the positive of today, though, and hope that this treatment news has come in time. In the meantime I also need to try to get hold of the paperwork that the funding panel is asking for, so that they can issue the funding agreement and I can book in my first session.

PS I really hope people aren't thinking, "oh god, she's never happy is she?!?" The stuff rumbling on in the background has been going on for a little while and it takes its toll at times.

[Lost_in_a_Dark_Maze]

There's no 'right' way that you should be feeling, and with the other things you've got going on, no one would expect you to be feeling anything other than how you are. :hug:

[Guest sarah1984]

Hi NS,

That's fantastic news - I'm so pleased for you. You'll be in excellent hands with Paul Salkovskis and his team. I'm sorry to hear you've got other stuff going on at the moment that means you can't fully appreciate the good news but please don't think people on the forum will think you're the kind of person who's never satisfied. I hope things sort themselves out.

Your a top person, unfortunately debilitated by ocd, but that's all going to change

Couldn't agree more Legend!

Take Care,

Sarah x

[LondonTown]

Hi NS

Awesome news, I haven't been on here for a while and I really wanted to check out how you were doing, so I'm totally chuffed to hear your fab news! :original: LT x

[Caramoole]

Good Luck Jo :hug: Whatever the background problems.....It's good news and a huge step forward in the direction you need. Hopefully, as you move forward with treatment, those problems can be looked at again.

OCD is very difficult....it can be a steady progress, sometimes improvement isn't as quick as we'd like......but whatever, hang in there and keep edging forward. It will come.

Good luck you

Caramoole

[Northern Star]

Thank you all :hug:

At the moment there is nothing major I can do to influence the "other thing" (I don't mean to be cryptic, honestly, just not sure about putting it on a public forum at the mo). I just have to give it time, try to be patient, keep on keeping on, try to gain some small victories over the OCD and keep chasing the paperwork to try to get the funding agreement issued. I have to try to enjoy the better times and ride out the bad ones, hoping that soon the bad times will lessen.

I have worked another full week, have worked time at the last two weekends also so glad to be having a weekend off. I'm very tired, from the meds, from the OCD, from the depression, from work, from everything, so Sunday will be a catch-up on sleep day I think.

[lovid]

HI jo .So pleased about the funding.I had meant to post on her e earlier but coincidently I've had some devastating (to my mind anyway) news that has made me feel really bad, maybe on the same theme as yours as it's something I'm embarrassed to say at the moment.Really getting me down though.Rocked my world even more.WE'll keep fighting though and supporting each other and get through.At least I don't have to write to my MP now :original:

[Northern Star]

Hope you are ok, lovid?

Had confirmation today that I have the funding. I haven't had the official letter yet but that I think is just a formality. I have been told to book an appt with the Prof. I am scared, I think it is of hurting and of not getting well. Goodness knows, I will throw myself head-first in to CBT and ERP. I trust those working at CSPTARP to be some of the best in their field, I think I am just frightened of it either not working or of not being enough to save that which I know is in jeopardy, that which matters more to me than anything else in the world.

Work have said I can have time off for treatment; I am due to go away on a work course for a few days in a few weeks but my boss has already said that if it clashes with treatment then I can cancel the course. My OCD is irrational (isn't most?); I survive workdays (or any days) mainly through a combination of self-reassurance, avoidance and compulsions, including to the point where I spray my clothes with so much anti-bac that I spend the next few hours in physical discomfort because they are soaked.

There are times when I think about cutting myself, to try to feel better through that self-destructive way. I know though that it is a) a bad idea and b) a slippery slope.

It feels unreal that finally they have said yes, after all the waiting, the wrangling, the worrying, etc etc. I want to start tomorrow and hopefully beat this. I don't know if I will, but I will give it my all and I will try to keep the faith that life can get back to being OK or, preferably, happy.

[Guest Annabel]

Yay for getting funding!!!

Well done for all the hard work you put into your application :flowers:.

I'm sorry you've had such a horrible time with it but it's great you're going to get specialist help.

I feel similar to you just now- waiting for treatment and feeling quite scared about the process and the outcome but hopefully it will be worth it and even if it is very challenging we'll get to the other side of it and feel better.

How does the Bristol system work? - is it daily treatment or weekly sessions? Prof Sarkovskis seems to be very famous and an absolute expert at OCD so at least you're definitely getting the best help available!

I hope life does become happy for you again you definitely deserve it!

xxx

Edited June 19, 2013 by Annabel

[Guest Nik]

All the best NS, we are all behind you!