Apology-Want To Tear My Brain Out (Merged Thread)

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

I don't know what do you want us to tell you which we haven't already? I guess you still doesn't have OCD?

Edited April 27, 2019 by OCDhavenobrain

[don't know]

I know, I'm just so lost. 

Edited April 27, 2019 by don't know

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Just now, don't know said:

I know, I'm just so lost. 

And you will keep being stuck.

[don't know]

No it's all true. Just read an article about it and she faked it the entire time. I feel ill but it's real no one else feels like me. I can't believe I tricked myself for this long. What's wrong with me? 

I kept thinking t myself there was a bit of time where I felt fine for a while but that was fake too. It was probably the happiest I had been and now it's just fake. I'm fake and everything I'm feeling just shows that it was all true. No else gets anxious about these things - I do. It's bad, I literally just thought maybe I should just end it. I'm not going to but that's what went through my head. I can't believe all a lie. Everything I knew all a lie. I'll get over it eventually but I thought I knew myself. I guess I never did. 

Edited April 27, 2019 by don't know

[don't know]

I can't believe it. Maybe I don't want to believe it. So many people say they never knew and that's me. I genuinely could have never seen this coming years ago and it's true. I guess all my reassurances are gone. I'm just pacing now. I don't recognise myself anymore. I'm completely fake but I can't control how I feel. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Contact psychiatry, because you are considering suicide. Tell them what you are thinking about.

Edited April 27, 2019 by OCDhavenobrain

[don't know]

I can't, at least on this forum the obsessions are all false. I read on here and it's all ocd, it usually is the opposite of the person - not for me. All of mines came true. I can't believe it. That's strange to say, that I can't believe it I'm in shock. Is that bad? 

Its a genuine reaction to this type of thing though. All my behaviours, thoughts and feelings mirror what I'm afraid of. Countless places say so, I can't help that. I live in my head too much that I ignore reality that's my problem. I was too blind to see that all of this was true and I was in such deep denial over it. 

[don't know]

I just feel a mental block. I can't look back on things that remind me of the person I used to be. I believed it to be true at the time, there's no way. Again, I'm sorry for posting right now. I think I'm just mourning the person I was, or who I thought I was. 

Edited April 27, 2019 by don't know

[Hal]

It sounds like the anxiety’s really bad right  now DK, but going over and over these questions isn’t going to lead you to an answer or remove the fear, all it’ll do is make you feel much worse.

When the anxiety’s almost unbearable and you’re feeling trapped by the feelings and thoughts, it can help to sit upright and try to focus on your breathing for 15 mins...let the thoughts be there but keep returning to paying attention to your breathing. 

Slowly some of acuteness of the anxiety will ease and give you some respite from it....do you have family around at the moment, maybe someone you could have a chat with over a cup of tea? 

[don't know]

That's the thing it did lead to an answer, I just wasn't happy with it, but that's what it is. 

I don't talk to them about this kind of stuff anymore. When I first experienced symptoms I did all the time. They got really frustrated with me and just ended up in a lot of hurt feelings. 

[don't know]

Just read somewhere about the five stages of grief when accepting yourself on these forums, I can't believe it, that's me. There were moments when I knew I wasn't like this but apparently I need to go through these stages and then I will end up accepting myself. Seems inevitable at this point - it's awful. 

[PolarBear]

I have to ask again, why are you here?

Would you go to a bipolar forum and post hundreds of times that you aren't bipolar? No? Then why are you doing it on an OCD forum?

[don't know]

I panicked and didn't know where else to go.

[paradoxer]

Very frustrating for the many here who've repeatedly taken the time to offer constructive advice. A mod might take this post away, but I think sometimes the OP indulges in the angry-luxury of my pain is so much worse than anyone else.  

[don't know]

I can understand the frustration. But, I don't like feeling this way, so to say it's some kind of luxury is uncalled for. 

[taurean]

3 hours ago, don't know said:

Just read somewhere about the five stages of grief when accepting yourself on these forums, I can't believe it, that's me. There were moments when I knew I wasn't like this but apparently I need to go through these stages and then I will end up accepting myself. Seems inevitable at this point - it's awful. 

And that is just what happens when you go carrying out a compulsion. 

Your brain, under the influence of OCD, will turn something into a trigger that empowers and strengthens your fear. 

Bingo, it found such a feature and interpretation. 

When you stop this continual search for proof and certainty and just listen to us you will step out on the trail to your recovery. 

But you have yet to do this. 

When are you going to stop carrying out compulsions and start listening to the collective words of wisdom here of those who understand what you are dealing with? 

This free resource is, to me, worth its weight in gold, it has helped me, and countless others, so much.

There is a metaphorical fork in the path ahead of you. 

One fork leads to listening to us, stopping compulsions, learning to accept the uncertainty - and getting better. 

The other leads, on a loop, to going round and round doing what you are doing now; staying stuck and collecting more and more support, from carrying out compulsions, to a false premise - groundhog day. 

Your choice. But be aware I too can't continue to offer advice that isn't followed. I may feel it best for me to add you to my ignored user list and focus my recovery efforts elsewhere. 

 

Edited April 28, 2019 by taurean

[don't know]

This is probably going to get merged. Again, I apologise for posting. I really need to stop. 

I tried to take some time out today and just ignore things. I'm not really sure why I'm posting this. Everything just seems like a lie. I've seen too many stories now where people acted on their thoughts, one minute they thought one way and the next they were engaging in these things. They didn't have OCD but I followed the same pattern. The same process of discovery. A lot of them didn't even know, that's the scary part. I know that's not good to read but at the same time, it's what happens. I'm also young and all this stuff started when I was young so it must mean that I was just getting used to it. You can only hide from yourself for so long. I can't tell the difference. There was a bit where I felt better, like life could have some type of meaning for me again; I felt strangely back to myself, just feeling good and secure. But maybe I'm just generalising or I convinced myself to feel that way. I can see it, I probably just blew it out of proportion, it was the still the happiest I had ever been even if it was fake. That's how memory works after all. I've probably repressed myself. It's like people were saying once they accept themselves all these signs appear. That's what happened to me and everything literally came flooding back. I probably just carved it to be something it wasn't. Maybe I used that as reassurance that I wasn't what my brain or body was telling me. Maybe that was just an obsession. Whenever I'm reminded of that time now I just feel this block, like it never existed or literally sweat or feel physically ill. 

I feel like I'm actively just trying to not do anything. I've now crossed over onto this other path that was probably where I was supposed to end up. Maybe that's why nothing worked out for me. I just need to accept this. I'll get over it eventually. I don't even know how I feel about it anymore. Maybe I was just holding onto something because I didn't want to be an outcast. I'm not the person I thought I was. But my brain and feelings don't work. They don't connect and I don't know why. I've just accepted that I'm going to be alone and that nothing will get better, it's always going to be there, no matter what I do. 

Just saw another person who's OCD came true, I feel sick. 

 

Edited April 28, 2019 by don't know

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

You know it will get mwrged but you post anyway? Do you have a guedd about why it gets merged?

Also you say you need to stop... 

Edited April 28, 2019 by OCDhavenobrain

[don't know]

People say I repeat myself so that's probably it. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

I dont know it is time to start taking responsibilty for something, begin with something. Maybe have the gut to admit that you have done compulsions, just once in your life?

[don't know]

I used to think I did compulsions when I was with my second therapist for CBT. I wrote them all down and I tried to eliminate them and nothing happened. So it's not like I've never been open to the fact this could be OCD or that I am doing compulsions.

I have constantly googled and looked up stories and compared myself to them. I'm on all types of forums throughout the day again seeing if I relate. I do though. It doesn't disprove it just proves it. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Ok but now you are sure that you are not having OCD. I actually already knew that, just wanted to see if you have changed something, it's possible for people to change. 

Well then I have nothing to say really. I mean if you don't have OCD.

Edited April 28, 2019 by OCDhavenobrain

[taurean]

4 minutes ago, don't know said:

I used to think I did compulsions when I was with my second therapist for CBT. I wrote them all down and I tried to eliminate them and nothing happened. So it's not like I've never been open to the fact this could be OCD or that I am doing compulsions.

I have constantly googled and looked up stories and compared myself to them. I'm on all types of forums throughout the day again seeing if I relate. I do though. It doesn't disprove it just proves it. 

But your whole life is carrying out compulsions, researching, checking, comparing. 

You have to stop it all, including the compulsion of feeling you have to post on here. 

I am now out, will change your status on my account to ignored user - no point in me getting involved as you don't wish to change your behaviours or believe and follow anything else we say. 

Until you do you are going to remain in this vicious cycle, don't know, you really ought to listen to our pearls of wisdom. 

When people post a topic, with a progress report on how they are much better and thanking the forum members for their guidance and wisdom, that shows what we can all achieve if we follow the principles of CBT that we advocate here. 

[don't know]

Okay, but on all my posts you say I don't have OCD, so it's shows that I don't have it. Others say I just post on here all the time which is true and I really shouldn't take up your time here, it's really selfish and unkind of me. I do feel awful about it. But how can I change? It doesn't matter - it's gone. I feel like no one ever considers that it possibly might not be OCD. People say stop the compulsions etc. but how can I ignore it when I match every single description of these things? If you put me side by side with someone who actually does these things you would see no difference (one who is least likely to accept it). When I read about other people's stories with these types of thoughts you can clearly see a difference - you can't with me. It's just denial at this point. I can't sleep and I'm going crazy. But that's because it's the truth. Also I tried stopping the compulsions before and it never went away. 

Just read about someone who could not accept that they were into these things and wanted to kill themselves and I was thinking 'same' I couldn't hide from it forever and I'm still on this website in a way to stay in denial. 

Edited April 28, 2019 by don't know

[felix4]

4 minutes ago, don't know said:

Okay, but on all my posts you say I don't have OCD, so it's shows that I don't have it. Others say I just post on here all the time which is true and I really shouldn't take up your time here, it's really selfish and unkind of me. I do feel awful about it. But how can I change? It doesn't matter - it's gone. I feel like no one ever considers that it possibly might not be OCD. 

Personally DK, I think you have had quite balanced replies either way with regards to whether it OCD or not, and also my input which has mostly been sitting on the fence with regards to diagnosis, because as I mentioned to you a few times, only a professional would be able to diagnose/disprove in person, & certainty not via text on a forum!