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Cora

This is ridiculous!

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Yes, it's true. This is so damn ridiculous.

Last night, before bed, I had about 20 minutes of peace, calm and joy - now that I think about it, I feel like I don't deserve such things.
But then the crippling doubt and fear knocked on my door again. All of a sudden I had an immense urge to replay in my head all those moments I'm very scared of: the moment with my baby cousin and the moments with my brother. The aim of that was to make sure I didn't hurt them - I guess that was a compulsion. I tried my best to resist going down that path because I know that never leads to something good but unfortunately I gave up pretty quickly. Big mistake.

I thought that if I revisited that specific moment with my baby cousin just one time, I would feel much better. Well, I didn't. And I still don't.

I'm very aware that we discussed this a dozen of times and I should be ready to move on from that moment. But apparently I'm still stuck. 

Another thing I realised last night was that I depend so much on this forum and all the reassurance I receive here. I know that's bad. And I know I'm back for more reassurance. But it's so hard to stop it!  

There's always something to be worried about. And I hate it. I want to be able to move on. I want a life. But I can't do it. If it's not about urges, it's about feelings. If it's not about feelings, it's about past incidents. There's always something...

I'm really sorry. I really don't know why I'm posting again. I guess I just feel sad and disappointed, and talking to people on here is what actually keeps me going.

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This is what I was talking about when I referred to the moment with my baby cousin. The paragraph is taken from a different thread a made on this forum a while ago. This is for people who are wondering what happened. 

"A year and a bit ago I visited my cousins, who live in a different country. They are 3 children in their family, the youngest one being 7 months old at that time. Long story short, I was holding my baby cousin while sitting cross-legged on the floor. His feet were touching my pelvic area while he was hopping up and down. Unfortunately, while he was touching my pelvic area I felt a sensation in my intimate area. I'm very ashamed to say but I believe that I enjoyed that sensation. For some reason, and I believe that was because I enjoyed the sensation, I didn't move the baby's feet straight way. What I did instead was slowly standing up, enjoying the sensation. I can't clearly recall, but I think that for 5 seconds or so I didn't realise that the sensation was caused by a baby, because I was very focused on the sensation itself. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I think I abused/molested my baby cousin by enjoying a sensation in my intimate area and letting it be there on purpose for a long time. I feel like a predator for sharing all this again, and I'm scared for doing so, but I don't see another way. But yes, I let my baby cousin's feet stay on my pelvic area on purpose for a longer period of time because I wanted to enjoy that feeling/sensation in my groin."

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I promise, I'm not that stupid, I want to move on, but everything is stuck in my mind! 

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7 minutes ago, Cora said:

I promise, I'm not that stupid, I want to move on, but everything is stuck in my mind! 

Cora, it may come across as the solution for you to keep posting, but trust me, this really is not helping you!

I think that had you sought treatment sooner, you would most likely be well on the road to recovery, but sadly, all that has happened is that you have dug yourself in an even deeper rut.

With reassurance, sufferers seek a response from one person, but without treatment (CBT/ERP), you soon dismiss the advice given, and seek out reassurance from 2 new people, then it becomes 4, & I would think you are probably dismissive of up to about 8 people now! 

Your way is not working! You literally are back to square one & looking for responses from new people only. I am no expert, but maybe this is why you feel you are manipulating people on the forum.

I keep repeating this, but you really do need to change direction and put all your energy into getting psychological help, rather than trying to get chicken and egg type answers to events, that OCD is dictating!

Monday would be a good start. 

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1 minute ago, felix4 said:

Cora, it may come across as the solution for you to keep posting, but trust me, this really is not helping you!

I think that had you sought treatment sooner, you would most likely be well on the road to recovery, but sadly, all that has happened is that you have dug yourself in an even deeper rut.

With reassurance, sufferers seek a response from one person, but without treatment (CBT/ERP), you soon dismiss the advice given, and seek out reassurance from 2 new people, then it becomes 4, & I would think you are probably dismissive of up to about 8 people now! 

Your way is not working! You literally are back to square one & looking for responses from new people only. I am no expert, but maybe this is why you feel you are manipulating people on the forum.

I keep repeating this, but you really do need to change direction and put all your energy into getting psychological help, rather than trying to get chicken and egg type answers to events, that OCD is dictating!

Monday would be a good start. 

Yes, you are right, Felix. 

Posting again was a big mistake. I'm really sorry. 

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I don't know if this will be credible but I'm still going to do it. 

I would like to apolgise, especially to malina and polarbear, for posting again about a subject that has been discussed so many times. 

It was a bad and rushed decision. I really need to think better before I do something. 

And I know this doesn't change anything but I was neither looking for reassurance from new people nor trying to disrespect people who have helped me all this time. 

I'm really sorry. I hope you can accept my apology. 

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There is really nothing to be sorry for. I hope you understand that people are not telling you to stop with these confessions because they are offended or think you're being disrespectful. The reason is that doing this is harmful to you. I'm not offended because I understand the nature of OCD. We could get the best experts in the world or the people that you love and respect the most to reassure you, and it wouldn't be enough. You'd have a moment of relief and then come back a while later with doubts...but I forgot this one detail, but did they really understand what I meant, but but but.

By doing this, you keep yourself going in circles. The only way to get your life back is to say enough and to stop engaging. This is incredibly hard and I don't think anybody can fault you for struggling. But, again, stop putting yourself down and being sorry all the time, this isn't easy and that is okay.

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So, Cora. You were doing well and you decided to conjure up the bad thoughts. And what happened? You felt bad and it stuck around.

Have you learned anything? Like maybe you should NOT do that? 

It's okay. You're learning. But you don't want this again. You want to prolong the good times.

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Thank you so so much for your understanding and kindness, @malina and @PolarBear. I was so scared to read your replies, thinking you would be really upset with me, but once again I was wrong - and I'm happy about it! 

Again, thank you so much! 

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Unfortunately I'm having quite a bad Sunday. I'm trying my best to treat this as OCD, or at least to ignore what's upsetting me, but I'm struggling a lot. 

I just want to apologise beforehand for the details.

Last night before I left for work I saw a post on instagram about lions and how they mate (I know, this is already embarrassing and weird) and I felt something in my body - I'm not sure if it was a groinal response or an arousal, but I think I liked the sensation (I'm sorry!). I forgot about what happened for an hour or so but while working I remembered how I felt in that specific moment and I started feeling aroused. I felt so embarrassed and terrible that I had to snickily share what happened with my boyfriend. I felt a little relieved because he didn't think I was weird. But unfortunately immediately after that I had a disgusting thought: "Well, now that he knows, I can peacefully enjoy the image and sensation." I freaked out and tried to push it away. But it didn't work out as I expected. I've been thinking about that post and feeling some sort of arousal since last night, and I can't stop it. As soon as I opened my eyes my mind went there straight away. This is very weird and uncomfortable. I don't want to be feel aroused by such things. And I don't want to enjoy the sensation either. 

And to make things worse, I just googled how lions mate to check if I still felt aroused. And yes, I still did. I feel so bad for looking for such things. I'm really sorry. 

I'm trying to treat this as OCD but I don't know. This feels like so much more. 

I'm really sorry. I sound like a true monster. 

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Hey Cora,

when I was really struggling, a few people that I really cared about got angry with me and said some hurtful things out of sheer frustration because I was being so illogical and couldn't let it go and live like a normal person. That was so hurtful, because I felt that they were blaming me for being in a lot of pain that I just couldn't control. You're in the same position. This is really difficult and nobody can fault you for not knowing how to deal with it, that is why nobody is angry. But we also have a responsibility not to feed into your compulsions and to keep you on track. So one again, about this lion mating thing, I'm going to tell you to stop confessing, stop ruminating about it and get on with your day! 

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2 minutes ago, malina said:

Hey Cora,

when I was really struggling, a few people that I really cared about got angry with me and said some hurtful things out of sheer frustration because I was being so illogical and couldn't let it go and live like a normal person. That was so hurtful, because I felt that they were blaming me for being in a lot of pain that I just couldn't control. You're in the same position. This is really difficult and nobody can fault you for not knowing how to deal with it, that is why nobody is angry. But we also have a responsibility not to feed into your compulsions and to keep you on track. So one again, about this lion mating thing, I'm going to tell you to stop confessing, stop ruminating about it and get on with your day! 

Thank you so much, @malina. I truly appreciate your help - it has saved me from so much pain! 

I understand that asking this is probably performing a compulsion but don't you think it's so weird and abnormal that I feel such strong sensations from seeing a post about lions, and can't stop thinking about it?

I believe there is indeed something wrong with me. I can't stop feeling dirty and ashamed.  

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You're right, it is a compulsion and I'm not going to answer. I'm sorry, I know that you really want an answer but that wouldn't be right. So how about you just leave this alone and go and do something with your day. I don't know what the weather is like where you are, but it's sunny over here so if you're lucky, you can go for a nice walk! Get out of your head and get back into the real world, that is the best thing you could possibly do.

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36 minutes ago, malina said:

You're right, it is a compulsion and I'm not going to answer. I'm sorry, I know that you really want an answer but that wouldn't be right. So how about you just leave this alone and go and do something with your day. I don't know what the weather is like where you are, but it's sunny over here so if you're lucky, you can go for a nice walk! Get out of your head and get back into the real world, that is the best thing you could possibly do.

Okay, malina. It's sunny over here as well so I'll go for a walk and try to get out of my head. 

Thank you! 

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51 minutes ago, Cora said:

Okay, malina. It's sunny over here as well so I'll go for a walk and try to get out of my head. 

Thank you! 

Nope, can't do it. I'm really sorry, malina.

I was in my room thinking how messed up I am. If you look at ALL my posts, you can tell I'm a walking disaster.

Another thing just happened. I was in the living room with my brother and looking at how cute and sweet he is. I had a (normal) thought of how I wanted to give him some kisses and hugs. But then I had a thought of how I could also do something inappropriate with him. I felt so much anxiety in that moment that I thought I was about to throw up. But it was real. The feeling was real. I reassured myself by saying that thinking something doesn't equal acting on it or wanting to act on it. But that doesn't change anything. I felt like I really wanted to do something bad.

And this freaking lion thing. Why does it still bother me?! I just don't get it. It's too much for me. 

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Okay, I just did something awful. I cant actually believe I'm typing this out. This is terrible. 

I had that lion image in my head and I felt like I wanted to squeeze my thighs together (I guess this a way of masturbation for females - I'm really sorry for all the details) because of that. Well, I decided to do it but only as a way of checking - to see if I actually felt something sexual in relation to that image. The inevitable happened as I squeezed my thighs together. But I think something horrible just happened. I think I just masturbated to an image of an animal. I started crying seconds after that happened but now I'm pretty calm. What the actual hell?! I can't believe this is actually happening. I'm losing my mind.  

I have to go to work in an hour but I'm a mess. I hate myself so much. 

I'm sorry. 

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2 minutes ago, Cora said:

Okay, I just did something awful. I cant actually believe I'm typing this out. This is terrible. 

I had that lion image in my head and I felt like I wanted to squeeze my thighs together (I guess this a way of masturbation for females - I'm really sorry for all the details) because of that. Well, I decided to do it but only as a way of checking - to see if I actually felt something sexual in relation to that image. The inevitable happened as I squeezed my thighs together. But I think something horrible just happened. I think I just masturbated to an image of an animal. I started crying seconds after that happened but now I'm pretty calm. What the actual hell?! I can't believe this is actually happening. I'm losing my mind.  

I have to go to work in an hour but I'm a mess. I hate myself so much. 

I'm sorry. 

I'm messed up. Definitely. And I don't even know how I'm still alive. I should kill myself. 

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2 minutes ago, humbleno1 said:

if u know its ridiculous try to live as if it is....regardless of anything else, u made that statement try to abide by it.

Well, it doesn't feel ridiculous anymore unfortunately. 

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It sometimes feels like you are working against yourself. Instead of trying to make things better you did two major compulsions - you spent hours ruminating and then you tested yourself. And guess what? Testing always leads to failure, absolutely always the thing you fear most will seem true and you will feel even worse. Now please try to calm down, go to work and stop yourself from going down this spiral. I’m sorry Cora, this is very hard but you really need to work against this, to change how you respond otherwise it’s going to keep getting worse. 

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I agree, @malina. I should have not done that. I should have done some different, something better for myself. 

But now back to testing myself. I'm at work and I can't stop feeling miserable know that I did what I did. Because that was half testing, half desire (I guess?!). I'm petrified of what I've done. And I made things worse by confessing to my boyfriend. He hasn't replied yet but I'm sure it's going to be terrible. Whenever I feel like I can't go lower, something even worse happens. I'm really sorry.  

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Just now, Cora said:

I agree, @malina. I should have not done that. I should have done some different, something better for myself. 

But now back to testing myself. I'm at work and I can't stop feeling miserable know that I did what I did. Because that was half testing, half desire (I guess?!). I'm petrified of what I've done. And I made things worse by confessing to my boyfriend. He hasn't replied yet but I'm sure it's going to be terrible. Whenever I feel like I can't go lower, something even worse happens. I'm really sorry.  

Don’t be sorry! No putting yourself down! Things like this fluctuate, you have some days that are okay and others where the worlds feels like it’s crashing down. Today you’re in one of the world crashing down days. I hope that your boyfriend is understanding, he sounds like a good guy and I’m sure that he will be. You can always explain that testing like this is a common feature of OCD. And don’t forget that yourself either, what happened today is the consequence of doing a compulsion and nothing more. So let it be a lesson learned and move on. Come on, you’ve got this! Look I’m having a bit of a rubbish day too so how about we make a deal to both try and cheer up and improve things?

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12 minutes ago, malina said:

Don’t be sorry! No putting yourself down! Things like this fluctuate, you have some days that are okay and others where the worlds feels like it’s crashing down. Today you’re in one of the world crashing down days. I hope that your boyfriend is understanding, he sounds like a good guy and I’m sure that he will be. You can always explain that testing like this is a common feature of OCD. And don’t forget that yourself either, what happened today is the consequence of doing a compulsion and nothing more. So let it be a lesson learned and move on. Come on, you’ve got this! Look I’m having a bit of a rubbish day too so how about we make a deal to both try and cheer up and improve things?

Thank you so much, @malina. And I'm really sorry that you're having a tough day as well. But I appreciate that despite that you're still here for me. You are just so amazing! 

Once again, thank you! And I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you! 

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I feel awful. I'm trying to understand what I've become.

I was looking through some older posts of other people and saw the following comment : "You cannot control what thoughts, feelings and sensations you have. Your job is to choose your behaviours." 

Well, what I did today shows how I choose to have disgusting behaviours by acting on urges/feelings. I know I said it was a compulsion but I'm convinced it was so much more than that because what I felt before testing myself was so strong, and I was even ready to act on it. 

And things don't even stop here. About 20 minutes ago my brother needed me in the bathroom and while being in there with him I had an immense urge to do something terrible and inappropriate to him. I can't even describe how disgusting that was - but it reached a limit no one should ever reach. 

I feel so ashamed and guilty. But then, do I even care enough? Because it feels like I don't. 

Again, I can't believe this is actually happening to me. I know putting myself down is not the right approach but I have proved myself that I am indeed a monster. I am a deviant. I need to be put away from any living creature. I am filled with rotten and malefic thoughts, plans and ideas. I act on these thoughts, plans and ideas. And I don't even care if I hurt anyone - yes, it might seem like I care but I don't think I actually do. 

As I've said before, I need to kill myself. The world doesn't need me. No one needs this piece of ****. (I apologise for the language.)

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Okay. Well, if you want some help with your OCD, let us know.

Edited by PolarBear

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