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Hello all, 

I'm really sorry to be back so soon. I've had a pretty bad day today and I feel like I need some support.

I know this is old news but today I've been bombarded by very very powerful sexual feelings centred around my brother and animals. I don't know how to explain it so it makes sense but these feelings (and thoughts) make it seem that I definitely want to have sex or something related to sex with my brother and animals.

I've hugged my brother a couple of times today and in all the cases I felt like I only did it for sexual reasons. I spend most of my time on social media, which is bad and I know that, and I enjoy watching videos with and about animals, especially dogs. But there's something going on and it's really disgusting. I keep feeling false attraction to them; this is gross to both say it and hear it, but I keep feeling that I want to have sex with animals, too. It's something very scary but it's also very real. Any time I have these feelings the script in my head goes like this: 'I really like that dog. Look at how he's playing with his owner. If you had a dog, you would really want to touch him inappropriately.' 

I've stopped taking the medication and maybe that's having a negative effect but I'm not sure of that. 

I feel so abnormal, especially when I compare myself to others, and, once again, I'm losing my hope that things can get better. These feelings are not normal and I don't want them!  

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I really feel bad. Earlier I was with my brother in the living room and we were playfully pushing each other, but I'm pretty sure I did it for sexual reasons. I can't remember exactly what happened but I feel really bad about it. 

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1 minute ago, PolarBear said:

Cora, you must not stop taking or alter your prescribed dose of a psychiatric medication on your own. Changes are only to occur under the supervision of a doctor.

I know, @PolarBear, that was really stupid of me. 

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Honestly what you are going through sounds really tough and it’s very similar to what I have dealt with in the last ten years. We have to be honest though and understand that subconsciously you are looking for reassurance. Unfortunately that isn’t going to help you and stopping taking your medication without speaking to a medical professional isn’t going to help you either. Your actions are making it worse, which isn’t entirely your fault because OCD wouldn’t exist if we all just did what we are told to do. Ten years ago I felt exactly this way and posted very similar things on this very website. Get help and take your meds, can doing that be any worse than what you are dealing with now. 

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Get yourself back on your medication Cora....stopping it like this is very likely to cause problems.

As for the other stuff, that's something for you and your therapist to work through right now.  It's not really helpful therapy-wise to complicate her approach, you need to try and stick with her suggestions.

Just remember, this isn't going to go right overnight.  Refer back to what she's recommended 

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I'm sorry everyone but I have to ask something. How do I accept the possibility that I'm not a paedophile when kissing my boyfriend and being intimate with him I don't mind having the image of my brother in my head? This is exactly what happened last night. Having images of making out with my brother was totally fine for me while being intimate with my boyfriend, it almost felt like I enjoyed it. Because I was feeling bad, but not bad enough apparently - something's wrong with my emotions today, I started reading articles about pocd in an attempt to get some reassurance. I came across an article that tried to explain the difference between paedophilia and intrusive thoughts about paedophilia. I will be honest, I felt like the description of paedophilia suited me more than the other one. And, once again, I was totally fine with it. 

I've got lots of uni work due very soon. I was going to focus on one of the assignments this afternoon but I can't do it. I feel like I'm not allowed to if I am who I am. I feel very calm today and that annoys me so much.  

Once again, I'm sorry. I am seeing my therapist tomorrow afternoon but I feel like I can't wait until then. Another 24 hours seems so much...

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Hey Cora,

I think you have certain responsibilities in life that you really have to try and keep up with. Firstly, you have to be responsible about your medication. This isn't simply something that you're allowed to forget to take. No matter what your day looks like, you have to schedule it in and be prepared. This is very important, this medicine isn't something you can play around with.

Second, your uni work is your responsibility. It's not something you deserve to do, it is something you have to do. It shouldn't matter how you feel about yourself, your coursework is something separate from you. You made a financial commitment to pay for the fees, either your parents paid for them or you have a student loan, but either way, this money can't go to waste because you feel like you're not worthy of an education or normal life. I know you can't change how you feel, but you have to try and learn a way to not let it interfere with your studies or there will be consequences and it will make you feel even worse.

To be honest, I think focusing on your work is a good way to distract yourself from your problems. Less ruminating, more work.

Look I understand that it may be hard to focus on your work and you shouldn't beat yourself up over that. But I've never heard you say "I'm not going into work today because I don't feel like I deserve it", because you must see your job as a responsibility. Well you have to see your studies in the same way, yes having an education is a priviledge but it is also a big responsibility.

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