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I think I need to leave my job now


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Hello everybody,

I feel so stupid for even writing this and horrible, but I’m in so much distress right now and it’s really upsetting me ☹️
 

There is this guy in my work, he is my age and he works in a different office department. But everytime I see him I find him really attractive and fantasise but I don’t like the fantasising part but I think I have a crush on him. But then I don’t know if I do because I love my boyfriend and I feel so sick and guilty 😞

 

I feel so guilty and I need to tell my boyfriend. It’s making me feel really guilty and depressed now. I don’t think I can continue with this job, do work crushes mean I don’t love my boyfriend? He’s the same age as me too I feel sick 

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Get a grip, Summer. :dry: People don't leave their job over nothing.

You're treating this 'nothing' you're ruminating over as a 'something'. But it's just OCD thinking.

Let the thoughts come and go, don't engage with the worries about what they mean or what you 'should do'.

Treat it all as OCD.

Do something to distract yourself tonight. Then get up on Monday and go to work as normal. If you see this person at work, smile, be professional and get on with your job. Don't engage with the OCD.

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53 minutes ago, snowbear said:

People don't leave their job over nothing.

I’m sorry I don’t mean too, it just doesn’t feel like OCD because I was fantasising about him I noticed myself doing that, I didn’t think anything of it then I found out he was my age and I felt absolutely sick to my stomach and I felt guilty like I needed to confess to my boyfriend :( 

 

I don’t even know if it is OCD because I felt like I did fancy him but I don’t want to like what if I’m just trying to fight it? I haven’t even spoken to him and I love my boyfriend so much I don’t want anybody else :( it makes me feel sick and I can’t even eat my dinner 

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Fanying the pants off a work colleague isn't OCD. You're allowed to do that. It's normal. Probably even quite common.

Ruminating on it, telling yourself you're a bad person and that you should feel sick for having such 'bad thoughts', that's entirely OCD thinking and compulsions.

Changing your behaviour to accomodate the OCD thoughts (not eating dinner, leaving your job ) that's OCD dictating how you live your life.

Fancying someone else isn't cheating on your boyfriend.

Ruminating that 'you have cheated by fancying someone else' is OCD thinking. It's twisted thinking that makes you get the meaning of things wrong. It's engaging with the idea (fear) that you could be a bad person and could do something bad unless you obsessively think about every little thing to keep yourself in check.

Asking the other person out/ kissing them etc - that would be cheating on your boyfriend. That would be a decision you take responsibility for. Not wrong, not good or bad, just a decision you make about which person you want to be with.

What makes something OCD is that you think about it obsessively and do compulsions to relieve the anxiety created by those thought processes.

Label this as OCD. Get into the habit of recognising these kinds of thoughts as OCD and labelling them as OCD before you fall down the rabbit hole and let yourself get tied in knots ruminating.

And resolve not to let OCD dictate how you live your life. Put the thoughts aside. Eat dinner. Enjoy your evening. :)

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3 hours ago, snowbear said:

You're allowed to do that. It's normal. Probably even quite common.

What so even if your in a relationship? I keep getting these intrusive urges to cheat too it’s absolutely so horrible :( I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I was doing so well with my OCD and I was so so happy. Now I feel urges to look up this guy on social media and cheat on my boyfriend it makes me feel absolutely disgusting I hate myself 😢

 

I guess it’s because I’ve always grown up around the idea that you should only have eyes for one person only, everything else is completely alien to me. Even last year I’d refuse to look at another guy, I’d even keep my head down when I’d walk past somebody good looking so I wouldn’t feel any ‘tempting’ intrusive urges. My wise mind knows I’m catastrophising, but I feel like I’m drowning in the OCD right now I don’t know what’s wrong with me :( 

 

I’m so sorry I don’t mean to let anybody down because I was doing really well. I can usually let things go it’s just this thought became really sticky and hard to let go of because I did genuinely find him attractive.

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Of course it's normal! You don't stop being attracted to people or thinking, 'Wow, he's good-looking' just because you're in love with someone. What you do do, is think it, leave it alone, and maybe even look at your partner and think 'I'm happy with what I've got' (or not happy as the case may be.)

 

8 minutes ago, Summer9173 said:

I guess it’s because I’ve always grown up around the idea that you should only have eyes for one person only

Real life love isn't the 'fell in love instantly and only ever had eyes for each other' nonsense of fairy tales and romance novels. If that's what you imagine loving someone is like you're in for a nasty wake-up call one day.

Unless you're so out of control that you recklessly act on every whim and urge you've nothing to fear from finding someone other than your partner attractive. Nor has your partner anything to fear from you finding someone attractive. Healthy couples sometimes even joke about it, swoon over famous people or actors they fancy/ fantasise about, and then laugh about it together and feel happy they have each other as they get on with the nitty-gritty of reality and real love. 

12 minutes ago, Summer9173 said:

this thought became really sticky and hard to let go of because I did genuinely find him attractive.

:wontlisten: It's important you understand what OCD is and what it isn't.

This thought didn't become sticky 'because you found him attractive'.

It was hard to let go of because you told yourself it meant something. So you thought about it obsessively instead of choosing to let it go.

Next time, treat these kind of thoughts as just passing thoughts of no importance and let it go without further analysis.

 

 

 

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At the moment you're reeling from good insight one day, to Full On OCD the next, where everything seems real. You have the foundations of understanding but those are easily rocked when the next "doubt" comes along.  You're doing well Summer but there's a lot of work still to be done.  Learning to recognise what is likely to be yet another OCD doubt thrown your way.  At the moment they're still catching you out.  Very common but something to be worked at.  

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7 hours ago, Caramoole said:

At the moment you're reeling from good insight one day, to Full On OCD the next, where everything seems real. You have the foundations of understanding but those are easily rocked when the next "doubt" comes along.  You're doing well Summer but there's a lot of work still to be done.  Learning to recognise what is likely to be yet another OCD doubt thrown your way.  At the moment they're still catching you out.  Very common but something to be worked at.  

Thank you for your kind reply Caramoole, I’ve woken up feeling absolutely awful if I’m completely honest. I had multiple dreams of this theme too which was annoying and I’m meant to be seeing my boyfriend today, I hope I can handle the guilty/confessing side of the thoughts. 
 

 

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9 hours ago, snowbear said:

Of course it's normal! You don't stop being attracted to people or thinking, 'Wow, he's good-looking' just because you're in love with someone. What you do do, is think it, leave it alone, and maybe even look at your partner and think 'I'm happy with what I've got' (or not happy as the case may be.)

The thing is, I developed a celebrity crush last year and I do find that I become quite obsessed with the person anyway. Not in a ‘strangely obsessed’ way, just like fan girl type of thing. I’m just scared that’ll happen here too, because the guy is actually my age :( 

 

I don’t mind if I find somebody attractive just casually walking by in the street etc, but where I see him everyday it’s like a torment for my OCD. I’m seeing my boyfriend today so I hope I’m able to have a good day with him regardless of the thoughts, I just haven’t learnt much through therapy unfortunately so I feel like i don’t really know what to do in these situations that’s going to help rather than set me back. I’ve woken up feeling absolutely awful, I have the feeling like I’ve actually cheated!! 
 

Im sorry I’m just in a heightened state of the OCD at the moment. I’ve never even spoken to the guy nor do I really remember what he looks like, I’ve just gone ‘ah oh good looking guy my age….. I’m going to obsess over it now I need to leave my job so I don’t get these horrible thoughts’ I wish I could be strong 

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Hey Summer,

having a crush on someone, even when you're in a relationship is normal. I've been with my partner for almost 10 years and have had lots of crushes in that time. I wouldn't be surprised if he has too. You just can't help it, you don't automatically turn off your sexuality and feelings when you commit to a relationship. The thing is that these crushes are just part of our internal, fantasy life.

I think your OCD has latched onto something that is normal and harmless and amplified it so that the feelings are now more intense and you feel guilty. Treat it as OCD, try not to ruminate or run away, be professional and normal around this guy. When you stop reacting to it, I think the feelings will return to normal.

Also, you can't quit your job every time you have a crush on someone. Imagine how that will impact on your OCD, at your next job you will be terrified about being attracted to someone again and, then, inevitably will and will want to quit again...and then you're in a terrible cycle. Stick this out, you can do it.

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Hi Summer, 

I don't have anything to add to the amazing advice given by snowbear, Caramoole and malina. But I did want to say that you helped me when I posted a thread about a very similar worry, for which I'm really grateful, and your advice was wonderful and it has helped me a lot. I hope you can treat yourself with the same kindness and respect you treated me when I was struggling. You have everyone's support, but you also have your own support - you are a very intelligent and strong person and you know this is OCD trying to get to you by making you believe that having a crush is a crime. 

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2 hours ago, malina said:

Hey Summer,

having a crush on someone, even when you're in a relationship is normal. I've been with my partner for almost 10 years and have had lots of crushes in that time. I wouldn't be surprised if he has too. You just can't help it, you don't automatically turn off your sexuality and feelings when you commit to a relationship. The thing is that these crushes are just part of our internal, fantasy life.

I think your OCD has latched onto something that is normal and harmless and amplified it so that the feelings are now more intense and you feel guilty. Treat it as OCD, try not to ruminate or run away, be professional and normal around this guy. When you stop reacting to it, I think the feelings will return to normal.

Also, you can't quit your job every time you have a crush on someone. Imagine how that will impact on your OCD, at your next job you will be terrified about being attracted to someone again and, then, inevitably will and will want to quit again...and then you're in a terrible cycle. Stick this out, you can do it.

Thank you so much @malinai feel like me and my brain are at war with each other. I know these thoughts and urges are not true, but when I’m having a particularly stressful day (like yesterday the weather was to hot, I felt like I couldn’t really think straight anyway) that’s when the OCD came into play. I’m doing really well with my harm based thoughts, so it’s frustrating when it changes into something else 🤕

 

My boyfriend, my job, friends and family are the 4 things I love the most as well as my self care. That’s why ocd loves to ruin all of those things :( my ‘wise mind’ knows this, but when I’m so plagued with ocd on a particular day, I just can’t take on advice etc because mentally I’m just so exhausted 💕

 

Even in school, I used to feel sick having crushes because I’d ruminate on it, convince myself it was love, the anxiety would come up as ‘love sickness’ even though that wasn’t the case - if anything I’ve always been so traumatised by having a crush. It’s never been an enjoyable thing for me unless it’s been my boyfriend. Ugh I hate OCD, I have therapy on Monday so I want to talk to her about it I agree with you though…. I can’t keep leaving a job everytime I think I develop a crush on somebody it’s a silly thing to do 

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

Hi Summer, 

I don't have anything to add to the amazing advice given by snowbear, Caramoole and malina. But I did want to say that you helped me when I posted a thread about a very similar worry, for which I'm really grateful, and your advice was wonderful and it has helped me a lot. I hope you can treat yourself with the same kindness and respect you treated me when I was struggling. You have everyone's support, but you also have your own support - you are a very intelligent and strong person and you know this is OCD trying to get to you by making you believe that having a crush is a crime. 

Thank you so much Cora, I’ve been reading some of your similar posts and the advice too and I’ve found it so helpful. Today I just feel so mentally exhausted after a week 9-5 at work, that’s when I really struggle to put everything I’ve learned into play. Now that I know this is a very common ‘Relationship OCD’ subtype I can separate it a little bit more than yesterday, it’s just such a horrible feeling when your in the midst of it all and mentally drained from it right 🤕

 

I’m so happy my advice helped you. Your doing incredible 💕 I wish I could sort of take my own advice when it comes to OCD too, it’s like our wise mind knows all of this and knows it’s not us, but when I’m in a heightened state of anxiety and OCD I really struggle to put my techniques into place.

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My boyfriends coming round now, I feel so sick like I just need to confess to him even though I know there’s nothing to confess about. I just love him so much and would never do anything to hurt him.

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Hey Summer, 

You have to try and resist the urge to confess. I understand how hard it is because I had the exact same urge last week. When he comes around, try and focus on him and the time you are spending with him. Ask for a hug and maybe that will help a little. 

You can do this, Summer! x

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Just remeber Summer its the OCD trying once again to trick you. As the others have said its perfectly normal to have crushes ,Try to acknowledge  it as an OCD thought and bypass it.

You have done so so well in your new job and fought through these last few weeks, dont let it beat you. You got this, remember Monday  is the start of a fresh week.

Keep fighting x

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18 hours ago, Cora said:

Hey Summer, 

You have to try and resist the urge to confess. I understand how hard it is because I had the exact same urge last week. When he comes around, try and focus on him and the time you are spending with him. Ask for a hug and maybe that will help a little. 

You can do this, Summer! x

Thank you so much Cora,

 

Luckily when I saw him yesterday everything was ok, I’m just so anxious about my working week tomorrow. I think the only reason why I’m giving it meaning is because I found out he is the same age as me - if he was older I probably wouldn’t be worrying as much. I also have my therapy session tomorrow before work, so hopefully I’ll get the chance to speak to my therapist about this x

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13 hours ago, dawn12111 said:

Just remeber Summer its the OCD trying once again to trick you. As the others have said its perfectly normal to have crushes ,Try to acknowledge  it as an OCD thought and bypass it.

You have done so so well in your new job and fought through these last few weeks, dont let it beat you. You got this, remember Monday  is the start of a fresh week.

Keep fighting x

Hi Dawn, thank you so much for your reply too. 
 

I’m already so mentally exhausted and the working week hasn’t even started yet. My boyfriend came round yesterday and I really am so in love with him - even after 2 years. However the guilt is just so bad, he’s going on an Ibiza party holiday with his friends and I was even getting thoughts of, what if I just give him a free pass? To make myself feel better 🤕 I know it sounds awful. I’d never do that it’s just the horrible guilt. I know crushes are normal too, I just can’t get over the fact I potentially have a crush on somebody who is my age other than my own boyfriend, it makes me feel so sick :( 

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On 18/06/2022 at 11:57, Summer9173 said:

I can’t keep leaving a job everytime I think I develop a crush on somebody it’s a silly thing to do 

:yes: I knew there was a sensible woman in there somewhere, under the OCD. 

 

On 18/06/2022 at 16:35, Summer9173 said:

My boyfriends coming round now, I feel so sick like I just need to confess to him even though I know there’s nothing to confess about. I just love him so much and would never do anything to hurt him.

I know crushes are normal too, I just can’t get over the fact I potentially have a crush on somebody who is my age other than my own boyfriend, it makes me feel so sick

 

Sometimes I forget you aren't as old as me. It's ever-so-easy to look back with hindsight and imagine I always thought and felt the way I do now, forgetting what it was like to be young and starting out on life. :Old: :laugh:

 When I was your age I too thought 'I love my boyfriend, I'd never hurt him or cheat on him' etc.  And nothing wrong with that! I hope you always feel that way about any partner you're with. :yes:

I'm also aware I keep banging on about changing your thinking on these forums. :laugh:  I do my best to help people change the way they look at things and to see if there's an equally valid but more helpful way of doing so.

So I want you to think about what it means - and what it doesn't mean - when you say 'I love my boyfriend, I'd never hurt him or cheat on him'.

Because often we subconsciously absorb the meaning we've given things without ever looking at what that implies. And sometimes what it implies is wrong.

For example,

I you think, 'I love my boyfriend, I'd never hurt him or cheat on him' means

...I shouldn't ever feel attracted to anyone else, especially if they are the same age [because that's me making a direct comparison to my boyfriend]

...if I find someone attractive or get a crush on someone else it's the same as cheating on my boyfriend [it's cheating emotionally mentally]

...being in love means you shouldn't compare anybody to your partner / consider anybody else [because that's saying you're not committed to your relationship]

Then you're setting yourself up for OCD to have something to latch onto. :(

 

But if you think, 'I love my boyfriend, I'd never hurt him or cheat on him' means

...I'm allowed to look, and be attracted to other people [because as long as I don't act on it then it's not cheating]

...being in love means I have found someone I am happy to be with. I'm allowed to compare new people I meet to my boyfriend [because it doesn't mean I love him less. It means I'm affirming I'm already happy and with the right guy!]

Instead of telling yourself 'I'm doing the wrong thing, I shouldn't feel this way, I'm a bad girlfriend' you change the way you look at it to, 'I'm being normal, I'm checking my feelings for my boyfriend not undermining them, I'm a faithful girlfriend and a nice person.' Then your OCD has nothing to latch onto. :)

 

Neither way of looking at it is 'right' or 'wrong'. Nor are these two examples the only possible ways to look at things. They are just equally valid options for how to think about life, relationships, love, and yourself. It's up to you to choose how you view the world. But when one way of looking at things leaves you struggling with OCD :( and another way of looking at them sets you free to get on with life... :)

Just remember it's a free choice. :)

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18 hours ago, snowbear said:

:yes: I knew there was a sensible woman in there somewhere, under the OCD. 

 

 

Sometimes I forget you aren't as old as me. It's ever-so-easy to look back with hindsight and imagine I always thought and felt the way I do now, forgetting what it was like to be young and starting out on life. :Old: :laugh:

 When I was your age I too thought 'I love my boyfriend, I'd never hurt him or cheat on him' etc.  And nothing wrong with that! I hope you always feel that way about any partner you're with. :yes:

I'm also aware I keep banging on about changing your thinking on these forums. :laugh:  I do my best to help people change the way they look at things and to see if there's an equally valid but more helpful way of doing so.

So I want you to think about what it means - and what it doesn't mean - when you say 'I love my boyfriend, I'd never hurt him or cheat on him'.

Because often we subconsciously absorb the meaning we've given things without ever looking at what that implies. And sometimes what it implies is wrong.

For example,

I you think, 'I love my boyfriend, I'd never hurt him or cheat on him' means

...I shouldn't ever feel attracted to anyone else, especially if they are the same age [because that's me making a direct comparison to my boyfriend]

...if I find someone attractive or get a crush on someone else it's the same as cheating on my boyfriend [it's cheating emotionally mentally]

...being in love means you shouldn't compare anybody to your partner / consider anybody else [because that's saying you're not committed to your relationship]

Then you're setting yourself up for OCD to have something to latch onto. :(

 

But if you think, 'I love my boyfriend, I'd never hurt him or cheat on him' means

...I'm allowed to look, and be attracted to other people [because as long as I don't act on it then it's not cheating]

...being in love means I have found someone I am happy to be with. I'm allowed to compare new people I meet to my boyfriend [because it doesn't mean I love him less. It means I'm affirming I'm already happy and with the right guy!]

Instead of telling yourself 'I'm doing the wrong thing, I shouldn't feel this way, I'm a bad girlfriend' you change the way you look at it to, 'I'm being normal, I'm checking my feelings for my boyfriend not undermining them, I'm a faithful girlfriend and a nice person.' Then your OCD has nothing to latch onto. :)

 

Neither way of looking at it is 'right' or 'wrong'. Nor are these two examples the only possible ways to look at things. They are just equally valid options for how to think about life, relationships, love, and yourself. It's up to you to choose how you view the world. But when one way of looking at things leaves you struggling with OCD :( and another way of looking at them sets you free to get on with life... :)

Just remember it's a free choice. :)

Thank you @snowbear, I read your reply before work and it really helped me. I also had my therapy session beforehand and she said even shes had crushes where shes flirted but happily married to her husband.

 

I agree with everything you said and I tried to put it into practise at work today. I think it’s a lot easier because we don’t actually work in the same office, however my wise mind knows I’m being so silly. I love my boyfriend with all my heart, I look at him most of the time (when he’s not being annoying) and think wow. I know it may sound cringey, but I know that’s also why the ocd is latching onto this. I had moments during the day where I was so hyper aware of who walked past it did get a little distressing, but I sat it out because I love my job.

 

I think the reason why I did this was because (silly of me to do I know) but over the weekend I was so plagued by these thoughts that I ended up doing research on it. There was a post on Instagram specifically for ‘ROCD’ where a lady commented ‘just because everybody has it doesn’t mean it’s right’ and of course ocd hits your moral compass. I know it’s my fault for reassurance seeking as I was walking straight into a trigger.

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21 minutes ago, Summer9173 said:

I also had my therapy session beforehand and she said even shes had crushes where shes flirted but happily married to her husband.

This is me. I am the world's worst flirt. I can't help it sometimes I just love men so much 😂

BUT I am happily married to my husband and I'm so in love with him even though we've been together for nearly 14 years. I would never cheat on him and even though I fancy and flirt sometimes with men I also understand that I would never cheat on or leave my husband for any of them.

I do think some of your rigid views about fancying other people is a byproduct of your age though as I remember having similar views when I was about 19/20/21 or so. They went away over time though as I got older and learnt a bit more about the world!

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2 hours ago, Lynz said:

I just love men so much 😂

 

Haha this is me too!! Thank you for cheering me up @Lynzthat comment did make me giggle as it’s very true, I’m starting to see the funny side in my irrational fears now. Sometimes I’ll be laying down and I’ll think…. Really ocd? 
like really? I’ve worried about the most pointless of things to the point of breakdown 😂

 

2 hours ago, Lynz said:

I do think some of your rigid views about fancying other people is a byproduct of your age though

I agree, where I’ve grown up around Tiktok/Instagram, unfortunately they’ve given a lot of my generation unrealistic views on relationships and therefore, that’s all I’ve ever really known. There’s so many video’s on Tiktok (and I mean absolutely loads) of how the perfect relationship should look like and what red flags are - to the point it’s stupid. On love island for example, a young girl on there my age (19) said a guy that gives her the ‘ick’ is a guy who wears socks with trainers ….. 🙃yeah, so that’s why my generation has a massive influence on my OCD for sure. It’s all stupid views x

 

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10 minutes ago, Summer9173 said:

Haha this is me too!! Thank you for cheering me up @Lynzthat comment did make me giggle as it’s very true, I’m starting to see the funny side in my irrational fears now. Sometimes I’ll be laying down and I’ll think…. Really ocd? 
like really? I’ve worried about the most pointless of things to the point of breakdown 😂

 

I agree, where I’ve grown up around Tiktok/Instagram, unfortunately they’ve given a lot of my generation unrealistic views on relationships and therefore, that’s all I’ve ever really known. There’s so many video’s on Tiktok (and I mean absolutely loads) of how the perfect relationship should look like and what red flags are - to the point it’s stupid. On love island for example, a young girl on there my age (19) said a guy that gives her the ‘ick’ is a guy who wears socks with trainers ….. 🙃yeah, so that’s why my generation has a massive influence on my OCD for sure. It’s all stupid views x

 

I honestly think these beliefs that you have will go away with time and as you get older. It's definitely a part of growing up and not unique to any particular generation I think. Like I said I remember when I was about 19 or so and I had similar views about relationships and so did most other people I knew at the time. We had MySpace back in the day and I remember posts going around about things like "10 reasons your boyfriend is the perfect guy" and things like that.

I'm 33 now so not ancient haha but I definitely know a lot more now about stuff hopefully!

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Also I'm so glad your job is going well and that you enjoy it. Hopefully now you've got a good therapist you can kick OCD's butt and put all these worries to bed.

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17 hours ago, Lynz said:

I honestly think these beliefs that you have will go away with time and as you get older. It's definitely a part of growing up and not unique to any particular generation I think. Like I said I remember when I was about 19 or so and I had similar views about relationships and so did most other people I knew at the time. We had MySpace back in the day and I remember posts going around about things like "10 reasons your boyfriend is the perfect guy" and things like that.

I'm 33 now so not ancient haha but I definitely know a lot more now about stuff hopefully!

Thank you @Lynz that really does help me actually :) I’ve been trying to avoid this guy all day, if anything he doesn’t work in my office just the same building so I don’t know why I’m worrying so much - I’ll definitely speak about it on the support groups though I feel like that always helps :) 

My generation is the same too, I know there’s absolutely no such thing as the perfect partner but I hate the fact I find somebody else so incredibly attractive, that my intrusive thoughts are going ‘cheat’ :( I’m doing well in work today it just gets really tough sometimes. I really do love my boyfriend, but I agree I think My age is playing a big part in this too xx

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