It happened again and I'm really bothered by it (Cora's Merged threads)

[bluegas]

17 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

ego's I think that may have to do with your view rather than any reality

Possibly but only earlier I upset someone because I thought there response was harsh but I went on to say that I often think death would be better than ocd!!  but rather than person identifying I might really be struggling they said I have a massive chip and hoped there is a ignore button  I say what’s on my mind but I’m never personal!  Even you I get your back up so you don’t usually listen to what I’m saying and get a bit nasty and part of me deserves it and I can take it but be so much nicer if we could stop some one else from getting as  bitter and twisted as me   But by that listening and understanding are imperative 

[bluegas]

23 minutes ago, malina said:

rustrated, get into conflict, say the wrong things sometimes...it happens whenever you put a bunch of people together

Definitely it don’t help when you got a bitter and twisted end of his tether  grumpy 44 year old  in the mix !  

[DRS1]

32 minutes ago, bluegas said:

Possibly but only earlier I upset someone because I thought there response was harsh but I went on to say that I often think death would be better than ocd!!  but rather than person identifying I might really be struggling they said I have a massive chip and hoped there is a ignore button  I say what’s on my mind but I’m never personal!  Even you I get your back up so you don’t usually listen to what I’m saying and get a bit nasty and part of me deserves it and I can take it but be so much nicer if we could stop some one else from getting as  bitter and twisted as me   But by that listening and understanding are imperative 

You might not think it is personal but the way that you do come across can feel like it's a bit of a personal attack, especially when you use words like ego and particularly when you end every sentence in a ! which reads to me personally as if you are shouting or angry - despite this probably not being what you had intentioned. What I would say is everyone could do with taking a second to re-read their posts before posting them and consider how people may interpret it (and I don't just mean you to be clear). I've said the wrong thing before or not realised how something may come across before as well so you aren't the only one there.

Everyone has sensitive subjects that they feel hurt by if someone mentions something related to it. For me that includes the use of people deliberately using OCD as an adjective or running ads for games with the concept of "this game will give you Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder". I also feel it when people mock Autism as an Autistic person or when someone jokes about seizures despite never having had one to know how truly frightening it is.

On the other hand, I get it. OCD makes you feel like utter garbage. None of us who are doing better (and I've still got work to do) than we were before treatment don't forget it. It's burned into my mind. I can't forget the pain and misery of that and it's that pain and misery that I sometimes feel is the motivation to make sure I never go back to that place again. I've said some stupid stuff, especially having to deal with "groinal responses/arousal non-concordence" like that I would rather just cut my genitals off. That's how bad it felt, so I do understand. On this forum though, we aren't talking to just ourselves, we are talking to other people whom we don't know what they are going through. I don't know what you are going through, I only know you are someone who is struggling with OCD. As such, I and others should be a bit more sensitive to be able to see past maybe how personal it feels with your responses to understand why you feel that way.

Edited August 6, 2023 by DRS1
Formatting issue

[bluegas]

Thanks @DRS1 your the voice of reason as always  tbf the !! Are just because I’m not the brightest and no other meaning but I do take all that on board! Thanks for explaining it so well 

[DRS1]

5 minutes ago, bluegas said:

Thanks @DRS1 your the voice of reason as always  tbf the !! Are just because I’m not the brightest and no other meaning but I do take all that on board! Thanks for explaining it so well 

I don't think that you are not bright at all. Don't take your knowledge or intelligence for granted. You are smarter than you think 

[snowbear]

12 minutes ago, bluegas said:

Are just because I’m not the brightest

<<<< PET HATE of mine right there. Annoys me stupid when people put themselves down like that, especially when they say it in every other post they write.

Sometimes I have to go to the kitchen and get some chocolate to stop myself telling you off for saying you're stupid Bluegas. Sadly, I'm out of chocolate today.

(Telling the truth, but please take this post in the light-hearted way it's intended. )

[bluegas]

Lol of course I take it that way snowbear I have a great deal of respect for you ! We don’t agree on a lot either but you always take time for me and listen to what I got to say can’t ask for any more  ! And I’ll try to be more positive about my self 

[Cora]

19 hours ago, snowbear said:

How can you not get it?      The way out IS  to not react.

Snowbear, I understand that the way out is to not react, I promise I do. But something's stopping me from that and I can't freaking understand what it is. 

I messed up again earlier today. I was hugging my friend before leaving and touched her breast with my chest which made me want to hug her tighter so I can be closer to that part of the body (I can't type it again because I'm experiencing thoughts that if I do it, it for sexual reasons). 

[Cora]

10 hours ago, malina said:

You can see it here with Cora - not wanting to see friends, being afraid of taking the train. These are quite basic things in life, seeing people and using transport. It's already affecting her ability to work and study. What is next?

I know, malina, it's so awful and I have nothing left, nothing. I'm really struggling. 

9 hours ago, malina said:

Anyway, I don't have much left to say on this thread, I think I've exhausted all the advice I am able to give @Cora.

I understand that and I am sorry that it's like this. 

[Cora]

Like I said I have nothing left. Everything is stolen from me. I honestly don't want to be alive anymore but that's not an option.

If souls do exist, mine hurts very much tonight. I'm in a horrible cycle where I don't know how to function without reassurance even though it doesn't help and without urges to confess every incident. I crave the reassurance from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. I want to confess everything. 

I'm in a lot of emotional pain. And not just because of OCD, but because I don't know how to appreciate people in my life and I'm only a burden to them instead. I've made several mistakes while hanging out with my friend these two days and I've learned that I don't even know how to be around people anymore without being creepy, weird, stupid and ******* gross. 

I want to go sleep and never wake up again. 

[Lifewillbegood]

Hi Cora

I am really sorry that you have been struggling so much. Please see a doctor and get back on your meds ( I recall you had stopped them). Meds take time and trials but will help calm things down for you. Then the advice being offered may make sense. 

Best wishes

[snowbear]

26 minutes ago, Cora said:

I understand that the way out is to not react, I promise I do. But something's stopping me from that and I can't freaking understand what it is. 

OK, knowing what you're aiming for is a good start.

Now we work out what's stopping you from -not reacting'.  Or to put that another way, what belief or thinking underpins the ever-so-compelling need to react as you're doing.

Don't despair. We'll figure it out and find a way to fix it.

Meanwhile you're probably tired after you're weekend, so yes, getting some sleep is maybe the biggest priority tonight. When you wake up, it's a chance to start over. Every day is a new start, another opportunity. Maybe you've had some time stolen from you, like all of us who've lost precious years to this awful disorder. But even if at the moment it feels like everything else is also slipping away, trust me - you can still get it back and live a full and happy life. Never give up! 

And did I imagine it or did I read on one of your posts that it was your birthday this weekend? I hope you had a good day (as much as your OCD would allow anyway.) Happy Birthday! I hope there was cake!

[Pikachu]

Happy birthday, Cora!

[ocdjonesy]

Cora if you’re having thoughts like ‘I don’t want to be alive’ then that’s pretty serious ok?  I’m a bit worried about you right now.

Have you given any thought to going to see your gp again like other people have mentioned recently?

Not trying to start some sort of hysterical over reaction but whenever I start having those sort of thoughts I know from experience I am extremely depressed and in need of some extra support.

Please consider chasing up your referral to mental health services with whoever you can.  I don’t like the idea of you feeling that way without some sort of help.

Also happy birthday hun.  Would really like to just give you a big slice of cake a and a hug right now.

Edited August 7, 2023 by ocdjonesy

[malina]

First off, happy birthday @Cora! I hope you get a lot of love on your bday.

9 hours ago, Cora said:

Snowbear, I understand that the way out is to not react, I promise I do. But something's stopping me from that and I can't freaking understand what it is.

The reason you can't stop yourself from reacting is OCD. That is kind of the whole point of this disorder. It makes trivial things feel so real, dangerous, bad and compelling that it's extremely hard not to react.

I don't think it's possible to to just stop reacting, cold turkey. This is why people do ERP, to get practice at putting themselves in stressful situations and not responding.

Maybe for you the starting point would be to not respond to every little thing. You're so super hyper aware of your behaviour that it's driving you to the edge.

"But I was standing next to this person and had a sexual thought and then moved my hand two milimetres closer to them ON PURPOSE", "I started at my coworker for two extra seconds more than I was supposed to"...does this sound familiar?

I think maybe for a start you should try to ease up on yourself in these kinds of situations because it would drive anybody mad to worry about the position of their body, what they are staring at, their minute movements, every time they have an intrusive thought.

And you need to learn to relax a little with your super moral criteria (for yourself). If your only view of yourself is that you have to be perfect or you're a complete monster, you're bound to fail because no person can every be perfect.

And finally, but perhaps most importantly, you need to speak with your GP. If it's true what you said about not taking your meds properly, you need to either speak to the GP about weaning off them to stop taking them or finding the right way to get on track. Playing around with your dose and having fluctuating levels of the meds in your system is probably contributing to your OCD.

[Cora]

Thank you, @snowbear, @Pikachu, @ocdjonesyand @malina for the birthday wishes. You are the best! ❤

It wasn't the best day and, to be honest, it felt just like any other day. But I'm glad that nothing special happened, I would have felt really guilty if it did.

[Cora]

14 hours ago, malina said:

And finally, but perhaps most importantly, you need to speak with your GP. If it's true what you said about not taking your meds properly, you need to either speak to the GP about weaning off them to stop taking them or finding the right way to get on track. Playing around with your dose and having fluctuating levels of the meds in your system is probably contributing to your OCD.

I want to but I'm really embarrassed. I don't even have a reason for not taking the medication other than laziness so I will look stupid in front of them. I have about 6 packs (not a full box though) of sertraline (100mg) untouched which I've accumulated over the years and I feel so ashamed. They're still good and I could take them instead of paying for new ones but how do I explain that to the GP?! 

[Cora]

22 hours ago, ocdjonesy said:

Not trying to start some sort of hysterical over reaction but whenever I start having those sort of thoughts I know from experience I am extremely depressed and in need of some extra support.

Please consider chasing up your referral to mental health services with whoever you can.  I don’t like the idea of you feeling that way without some sort of help.

@ocdjonesy, thank you so much for your concern and I'm sorry if I've worried you.

I'm not really sure if I'm depressed because these moments and thoughts only happen here and there, they're not too frequent. I'm definitely extremely sad and do need extra support. 

I'm sorry because I feel like I was exaggerating last night. I don't know, I woke up and that feeling of not wanting to be alive was gone and I felt normal, so I feel like I lied. 

[Cora]

I don't want to confess what happened at work. All I want to say is that it involved such horrible (sexual) feelings and weird movements of my thighs (in relation to the new, young manager, he's probably 19 or 20). I tried to label it as OCD and do some exposures after the two incidents (by allowing any feelings and thoughts to come in without fighting them) and it worked slightly, but I'm still ashamed of what happened. 

Also, I'm struggling with having what I can only call desires. I was walking in front of the manager and I kept thinking that he was checking me out (he most definitely wasn't) and I really felt like I was enjoying it. I told myself to stop it because that feeling was voluntary and conscious but I simply couldn't, I really wanted to feel those feelings. I know that nothing actually happened but I feel incredibly dirty; one, because he's young and two, because I have a boyfriend. 

My brain is a soup at the moment, but not a tasty one. It becomes more and more gross with each passing day. 

[snowbear]

3 minutes ago, Cora said:

I want to but I'm really embarrassed. I don't even have a reason for not taking the medication other than laziness so I will look stupid in front of them. I have about 6 packs (not a full box though) of sertraline (100mg) untouched which I've accumulated over the years and I feel so ashamed. They're still good and I could take them instead of paying for new ones but how do I explain that to the GP?! 

 

Absolutely no need to feel embarrassed. All your GP wants is for you to tell the truth so they know what they're dealing with and can get on and sort it from here in the best way possible.

Unlike you, your GP isn't  passing judgement on what you've done.   To them whether you took your meds, didn't take them, stockpiled and didn't use them etc. is all just factual history with no emotions attached. They aren't bothered by ANY of that. They don't even see it in terms of right and wrong or good and bad.

That's you thinking judgementally and assuming your doctor thinks like you.  

All your GP wants to know is:

-where you're at at this moment

- what needs to be sorted in this appointment

-what plan you can agree to going forward together

 

Remember, no matter what you've done, your GP isn't judging you. They are on your side and just want what's best for you. Never worry 'What will my doctor think?!'  They're coming at the situation from a totally different angle to you, without any of the attached emotions, and they're goal is just to find the best way forward for you from this point on.

[Lifewillbegood]

Hi Cora

You really need to see your GP. They will tell you which med to take and how to titrate up. You can tell them you have Sertraline 100mg with you. 
 

@snowbear has explained in detail why you should see your doctor without any hesitation.

You owe it to yourself to see the doc. Hopefully they will also refer you to a specialist (psychiatrist). 
 

Keep in mind meds do provide relief. 
 

Good luck and best wishes!

Edited August 8, 2023 by Lifewillbegood

[malina]

8 hours ago, Cora said:

I don't even have a reason for not taking the medication other than laziness

Is this really true? I hink there is a deeper reason and, possibly, you don't take them because you feel like you don't deserve to. Maybe you feel like you don't deserve something that will make you better. Sorry if I'm completely off here, I could just be overanalysing!

But don't worry about looking stupid. You're not the first or last pateint that isn't taking their meds properly, the GP sees this everyday. They will probably have a talk with you about how important it is to take your meds regularly, that is their duty, but they will probably respect that you owned up to your mistake and went to speak with them.

But the bigger question is, what do you want to do about this? Do you want to stop taking the meds or continue? Either option is really valid but, if you want to continue, you have to do it properly. Look at all the side effects that people get from these kinds of meds, it's no joke, and it can have serious consequences if you don't take them properly. I experienced this myself.

So if you do want to continue, I think it's important to be honest with yourself about why you don't take them properly and to make a plan to adhere to the right dose/time.

[Cora]

Thank you, @snowbear, @Lifewillbegood and @malina. 

I will contact the GP this week and ask to be put on the medication. 

2 hours ago, malina said:

I hink there is a deeper reason and, possibly, you don't take them because you feel like you don't deserve to. Maybe you feel like you don't deserve something that will make you better. Sorry if I'm completely off here, I could just be overanalysing!

Yes, maybe you are right. But I'm not sure, it could even be both. But that doesn't matter, I guess; I just have to try my best to stick to it if I do want to continue taking the meds. 

I'm slightly worried because if CADAT find out that I've not been taking my medication, they could discharge me. My last therapist, who referred me to CADAT, did say that taking the medication shows them that I tried everything to help myself, but because I haven't it looks like I'm lying and taking advantage of their service.

[malina]

56 minutes ago, Cora said:

Yes, maybe you are right. But I'm not sure, it could even be both. But that doesn't matter, I guess; I just have to try my best to stick to it if I do want to continue taking the meds.

I do think it matters, because you clearly have an important reason to take them and it's a very easy thing to do, and yet this slipped. So I think you need to understand why so that you can make a plan to stop yourself from falling in this trap again.

1 hour ago, Cora said:

I'm slightly worried because if CADAT find out that I've not been taking my medication, they could discharge me. My last therapist, who referred me to CADAT, did say that taking the medication shows them that I tried everything to help myself, but because I haven't it looks like I'm lying and taking advantage of their service.

I don't really know what to say to this. Does your GP have to tell them? Surely you have the right to decide if your health information is shared between services.

What exactly have you been doing? Did you stop taking the meds entirely or do you still take them but not regularly?

 

[Cora]

21 hours ago, malina said:

I don't really know what to say to this. Does your GP have to tell them? Surely you have the right to decide if your health information is shared between services

I'm not sure but I will ask. 

21 hours ago, malina said:

What exactly have you been doing? Did you stop taking the meds entirely or do you still take them but not regularly?

I took them for a bit but then stopped entirely and haven't taken them in about 2 months or so.