Binxy

Nothing new here- wondering if, thinking, trying to reason, ruminating.... all compulsions. Your key to freedom from this is to stop engaging with and carrying out those compulsions. You will remain stuck unless you do this. Get comfortable with feeling a bit rubbish for a while whilst you cut these out, but this is the only route to freeing yourself of this.

This used to a be an issue for me too. Look at the compulsions and try to cut them out. Compulsions include: 1. Getting tested- it's not often I agree with Handy but he's right that you will find a reason that you need to get tested again (What if they got it wrong? What if it was a false negative etc. etc.) and this will repeat 2. Googling- Google is not our friend under these circumstances. You will do this for hours if you're not careful 3. Coming back here with the same story, reworded, in case we didn't understand you properly and therefore might be giving bad advice 4. Asking people who were out that night if they an remember what happened to you 5. Trying hard to remember- the more you think about what you fear, the more realistic it will feel the next time you think about it (in my experience) etc. These are all things that will keep you stuck. Getting blind drunk was a bit daft but not the end of the world, I've been there, sometimes we get carried away in the moment and this happens. Learn from it, move forwards and don't carry out those compulsions! Binx

Hi, For me, the above is the key bit. As soon as I start asking myself "what if..." it's usually a good sign that I'm acting on (or about to start acting on) compulsions. In this case for me it used to be ruminating, trying to remember everything that happened on a night out and then finally confessing that I had done things that I hadn't in an effort to ease the crippling guilt I used to feel in my stomach. You've got to recognise the compulsions and really try hard not to do do them. This is so hard when you're feeling really stuck. Hang in there- you can do this. Binx

If I have understood correctly....Yep- I do this a lot and have issues sometimes recalling what actually happened in a situation and what I made up in my mind and ruminated on- sometimes called a "false memory".

Hi Saz, Nothing new her buddy. It's just a feeling, doesn't make it true. I know the feeling of "..just burying something" very well. It's just another false message aiming to hook you back in. Let it go- crack on with your day. You know you can beat this. Binx

Yup- been there! Checking news sites for evidence, researching prison sentences, looking for people with the same worry, asking friends who may have been around at the time, looking for old mates on social media who can reassure you etc. etc. They're all compulsions that you must resist. Even when you think "Just his one last time and then I can be sure"- you'll be back later needing certainty again. I'd convinced myself that I'd abused people when I was a kid or a teenager; that I'd killed an old lady I walked past; that I'd lose control if I drank; that I'd slept with people I hadn't and contracted HIV; that I'd attacked the person that they were talking about on the news who had ben attacked. I got to the point where I couldn't live with the guilt of having "done" all these things (thus being hospitalised)... all driven by compulsions to research and remember better. As I and many folks on here will tell you- recognise the compulsions and when you're about to go down the rabbit hole... find something else to do. Stress can sometimes be a trigger for this stuff. You're doing the right things- you've landed some therapy and there is great support on here.

Hi Phil, Sorry to see you're back (if you know what I mean). You'll get back on top of this. Cheers, Al

Hi, I suffer a lot with false memories. If I can imagine myself having done something, I can convince myself that I have. It may be linked to things that did happen (but with my own additions) or something completely unique- usually around harming people, worrying I'll go to prison or have to live with the fact that I did something terrible. In short: Obsession- Worried I have done something in the past to hurt someone Compulsion- Run over a situation over and over again, trying to remember more clearly. The more I do the latter, the more I convince myself that I've done something. Fortunately, I've been pretty well for the last seven years. The worries still come but I don't engage in the compulsive behaviour. That was the key for me. I still take some meds, and I did a really good course of CBT (third time lucky). At my worst I ahd top be hospitalised for a bit. You can get through this- Trust the diagnosis, recognise what your compulsions are and try hard not to engage with them. It's hard at first but gets easier. All the best, Binx. PS. Welcome to the forum!

Hi folks, No longer a student (I wish I was!) but I started as an undergrad in 2000 (4 year undergrad, followed by 4 year PhD). I'm now a lecturer at a UK University. During my undergrad I had lots of ups and and downs with OCD. I don't know how I would have dealt with the COVID thing which must make life more complicated.... anyway, my reason for posting: you can get through this, you can learn to cope with the disorder and things can always get better even when you are convinced they won't. Hang in there folks, Binx

Amazing news. Congratulations!

Hi Saz, long time no see. Hope you're well x

6 Years ago this was absolutely me. I could convince myself by the time I had walked home from work that I had battered various vulnerable people on the journey. It was truly horrible to feel guilt for something I hadn't done but couldn't be sure I hadn't. The more I tried to convince myself it was OK the more I would "create" memories of what hadn't happened. The solution.... trust the diagnosis- I have OCD. I'm not cured, still have bad days but I'm nowhere near where I was six years ago.

Come on Chels. You know the score. If it feels like OCD, treat it like OCD- no overthinking, no trying to convince yourself... you'll just remain stuck. Let it go, move on, find something nice to do instead of this. Hope this passes soon, Binx

Sounds like a few nights of sleep will make a lot of difference to me. Hang in there

In short, you won't. This is why it's such a difficult step to take. I can't really comment on the religious worries per se as it's not my bag. However, OCD is OCD, we all have to take that first step without knowing for sure that it's safe. Good luck, Binx

Obsession: Worrying that you have been unfaithful in some way- this causes significant anxiety. Compulsion: Repetitive actions to try and relieve anxiety: posting on relationship forums, posting on here to see if anyone thinks you've done wrong (reassurance), urge to tell your wife, no doubt looking on the internet for reassurance. Sounds like OCD making mountains out of molehills to me too. Let it go dude.

Come on dude. Same stuff, different day. If you continue to treat it this way you're going to continue to suffer. You know I can't give you reassurance- you have to respond differently. In few months you'll look back at this and feel daft for making a mountain out of something so small. But then you'll no doubt find something else to beat yourself around the head with.... and it goes on. Only you can change your response. 1623 posts- all with the same "I'm a terrible person" subject matter- look at these posts dude. The advice hasn't changed, the subject hasn't changed. It's an obsession, with compulsions: ruminating, coming here for reassurance, telling your Mrs (which is reassurance again by the way) etc.... these are all done to reduce anxiety. And they may do, for a bit. and then it comes around again- you find another angle. OCD dude. OCD.

Researching this=Compulsion. You're not trying to increase your knowledge to understand, you're trying to relieve anxiety. Do you see the pattern??

Sorry to disagree Albertina, but under BTs circumstances which we know very well I think it is compulsive. Why? Because he is doing it to try to relieve anxiety- BT, it's no different to coming on here and explaining the situation for the 10th time or "confessing" to your wife. All compulsions under the circumstances dude- if you're doing to relieve the anxiety of your obsession (read yesterday's post) then the chances are that it's a compulsion. Just my opinion based on my own experience.

GBG is right dude. You have two options: 1. Confess. Upset the Mrs. Upset yourself. Feel like poo. She will then let it go as something a bit daft (as she has before- many times). She'll try to make you feel better and you will then think that clearly she has misunderstood the seriousness and continue to try to explain it to her, upsetting her more. Why? Because you are obsessed and the the only way that you can see to relieve the pain of this obsession is to tell her- the compulsion. This loop will continue and continue, making both of you miserable. 2. Get off the OCD bus. Accept that this is about OCD and nothing else. Move on with your life and enjoy time with the Mrs. Life is too short for this. Your choice dude.

False guilt BT- driven deep into you because you're still performing compulsions.... namely the big R... Ruminating. There is no rock and a hard place- just OCD.

Look at your posts mate. Every time you say something a bit positive or like you're ready to move forward, you sneak this sort of thing in after it as if it's going to make a difference to our advice (looking for a cheeky bit of reassurance- "This is normal..." or "I've had this too.."). The details here are irrelevant, you don't need anyone to reassure you that you've done nothing wrong- treat it like OCD. Come on mate, you've suffered enough.

GBG is right about the process- but I must admit, on this theme I really struggled with this too (even with a therapist). If you're not ready.... follow PB's advice... stop acting on those compulsions!

I bet you're still analysing. I used to have similar issues around teenage girls- my solution was to Google "is it normal to...", go on forums, come here and ask, ask my girlfriend, my brother, my mum. All for reassurance. I would generally get that reassurance too from somewhere (not here.... Damn you PolarBear!! ?)- feel that huge sense of relief at not thinking I am a pervert. Then.... BOOM... it would come at me from another angle- how would they know? Are the just telling me that to make me feel better? Maybe I wasn't clear?.... I better ask again... And there I would remain stuck. And there, you will remain stuck until you stop asking these questions. Treat it like OCD- recognise when you are acting on a compulsion and kick it into touch.

It's going to be uncomfortable dude- you need to get comfortable with that. You're still analysing though- you're still trying to find some sort of justification that will make you feel better. You don't need to. STOP ANALYSING- recognise when you're starting to and find something more worthwhile to do- no amount of analysing this is going to find an answer. That's OCD for you.