Lisa davis

Thank you for replying, I hoped that you would as I believe you have been through the same distressing obsession as myself and I admire you for winning your battle. Its not reassurance in the sense of telling me I didnt do anything wrong, I realise how that feeds the obsession, I just needed clarity on how to deal with the thoughts that have me ruminating when I know I shouldn't be. I thought I was experienced enough now to know what to do everytime this happens but my OCD has a way of changing things up which leads me to doubt myself and then sees me falling into it's trap. Ultimately then, I guess that whatever the thought, the obsession, we still treat it as nonsense and leave it well alone? Wether it be worrying about something we did (in this instance false memory), or something that may happen if we do or don't do such and such?

I'm no expert, apart from dealing with OCD myself for 20 years, and I'm a bit lost myself at the moment, but if I can help a little then I will try ?...the mistake you are making, and I did this myself on so many occasions before I learnt the principles of CBT, is that you are seeking reassurance ? As you rightfully said, reassurance gives you relief. It is nice to have your mind put at rest, wether it be 5 mins or 5 hours! However, there is one big problem with seeking reassurance and that is, it's only ever a temporary thing. After a while, you will start to doubt yourself once more and you will find yourself back at square one with the what if's etc. Certainty is something we all crave at times but in reality, as harsh as it may sound, nothing is certain. Constantly searching for something that isn't there isn't going to help you, it will in fact, keep you in this vicious circle of feeling relief then feeling despair. What would be beneficial however, is if you could try not to give the thought any importance. Acknowledge it's presence then move on, distract yourself with something. The more you can do this the less importance the thought will carry until it becomes just what it is, a thought x

Most of the "themes" I have endured have centred around obsessing about something happening in the future. Either it be imminently, or in months to come. "I must do this or that to prevent this happening" etc. On reading others posts, I believe that seems to be the general way in which OCD works. However my latest "theme" is the opposite of that in that I am obsessing about something that may or may not of happened. I really don't think it did but OCD is trying, and succeeding, at making me think it did. My question is, how can I disprove OCD if its a past event? For example, if I was worried about touching a door handle for fear of being contaminated, the only way I know that this wouldn't happen is if I were to touch said handle and realise that I am in fact, ok (I don't in any way wish to devalue the severity that this can/does have on those with this obsession, I am just tring to explain myself ?). How do you apply this theory to something OCD is saying you may have done? I'm struggling so much lately and it's been almost 1 year since this thought came into my head. I hope this makes sense to someone ? Many thanks Lisa

Thank you for this Equinoxygen. I think I place too much emphasis on the why instead of the here and now. Trying to fully understand why I might have this disorder and why it manifests itself in such a way. There's always a need to know why things work the way they do!?! Ultimately though, it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that I find myself again so im able to live life the best I can. Thank you for the reminder of what is important ? x

Thank you Paradoxer, wise words as always ? I'm not sure as to why I saw relevance in the underlying causes of my OCD. It was discussed with my therapist but I agree that it may be more a hindrance pairing up cause and effect. After all, it doesn't matter why I have OCD, how manifests itself etc, it matters that I overcome this relapse Thanks for sharing, I really appreciate it x

I love this analogy, thanks for sharing! This is kinda what I'm going through at the moment in regards to committing a crime but it's the memory thing that is causing all the compulsions and anxiety. Although I know deep down I haven't done anything OCD makes it seem so real and then obviously you start to doubt yourself, and well, you know how it goes!! Your way of dealing with it though is a brilliant idea and maybe something I could adapt to make it more specific to me ? This exactly ? It happened again yesterday, and I had this awful wave of fear come across me. And then I concluded that this is going to be my "theme" now, rather than as I had naively hoped, a one off. However, today i have tried to not let my ruminating spiral out of control and have had quite a good day so hopefully with guidance and support from you amazing people on here ? I can tackle this head on Thanks for your kind words GBG and your in depth reply, I so appreciate it x

Nice to talk to you again PB ? I hope you are doing well Thank you for your reply. I guess I've got caught up with the fact OCD can make you believe you have done something when in reality, you haven't. It's a very scary thing to doubt yourself in such a way ? I understand from past sessions the underlying reasoning for my thoughts, they stem around responsibility and I guess this is no different. I have something to try and work off so thank you ?

I don't personally take either of those particular meds however I have heard good things about sertraline in regards to helping with OCD. Hopefully some of the other members will be able to offer their opinions on them. In regards to side effects, I know they can sound scary but often you have to consider whether the possibility of feeling better outweighs the risks of the possible side effects. I guess it's a trial and error thing as each individual will react differently. Sometimes medication can help to ease the anxiety enough to help you engage in therapy, so in that context it can be helpful ?

I have an appointment with a gateway worker on 7th January. Can tell already this is going to be another 12 month wait to access therapy ? My question is, how do I help myself?? I've already had CBT twice and am aware of the principles of it but what I struggle with is how to adapt it to my current "theme". How do I make a hierarchy for example? I realise exposure is good however not in the forced instance I just experienced as it was followed by severe anxiety, rumination, reassurance etc etc. That is the second time now that OCD has had me question if I have done something wrong. I'm scared that this will increase in frequency and then I will avoid places like I did before because it was safer, easier. I feel most, if not all, of my compulsions are covert so how do I work on those?? How do I push myself without making things worse? Thank you for any input ?

I think it's easy to believe that most people around us are Ok and not suffering a mental health issue as we do. The problem with this way of thinking is that it doesnt allow for those who disguise such problems and thus, appear to be fully functioning individuals. However, underneath that "front" could be a crumbling person who has learnt how to hide the pain that they are in. People become experts in covering up their problems. I know only too well! The point is, you don't need to compare yourself to Jane. Jane may or may not have mental health issues, or any other issues for that matter. What matters is you. You have to stay focused on being you, and doing the best that you can do under the circumstances you find yourself in, just as you are doing x

Hi flash, sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment. I too have found myself in the midst of a relapse with a similar "theme" to yourself so understand totally how hard this feels right now. However you have done the right thing in seeking help and it's great that you are having your first therapy session on Tuesday. Please don't worry about what the therapist will think, they have heard many, many things and it's their job to help not judge ? If it helps, I believe on this site there is an ice breaker form specifically for "harm ocd" that you could give to your therapist? Have you thought about speaking to your tutor at uni, or specifically the mental health team there? You don't have to give specifics but it may help you to gain some extra time for assignments with mitigating circumstances perhaps?? Stay strong, you've beat this before, we both have, and we CAN beat it again x

I think you already know the answer to this question ? I used to suffer with contamination theme so totally empathise with your situation. Looking back I now realise how ridiculous my thinking was but I totally understand in the here and now how OCD has you believe how everything is true whilst also catastropsisng the whole situation. This is true for any "theme". We have to work hard at challenging what "it" is trying to convince us of and in order to do that we have to not ruminate, not to do compulsions to make us feel better until we get that thought of "but this, but that". Just sit with the thought and do nothing. Yes you will feel anxious, but in time that will fade. This is the only way in which to overcome this "thing". Don't give in to it, show it you are the stronger one xx

So true Paradoxer. But only now do I see this after it being pointed out to me ?

Thank you Handy ? I think you may be right. I was definatly feeling better about the previous theme, although nowhere near 100%, I was feeling more confident in my ability to confront my fears and was In fact, making quite good progress. It's the absolute terror, fear and distress from the anxiety that goes alongside the obsession within the early stages of a relapse that overwhelms me. I then find it hard to rationalise my thoughts and put into practice what I have learnt. Hopefully I can start to do that very soon as I realise it will otherwise be a vicious circle ?

I could have written this myself! I guess the ruminating - going over the scenario is the compulsion? Unlike say a checking compulsion you would physically check the door is closed, for me, I replay over and over what happened. But then I doubt myself and go round and round in circles. But yes I definitely agree to try not give to much attention to the thoughts. That's what I have desperately been trying to do as I know from therapy this is the way forward. I think because my theme has changed direction It has frightened me. But again like you, and I like the way you have described it, my anxiety/OCD outbursts have a lifespan. Usually lasting a few days to a few weeks. Although when I have been really poorly with it it has lasted months ? I'm hoping this is just a blip, particularly as life in general has thrown some stuff at me recently and OCD tends to grab hold of me when things get on top of me. Please don't feel the need to apologise. You have helped me immensely and I hope in some small way I can help you too. You sound as though you have a great understanding to how this "thing" works, and that is a good thing. You have to stand up to the thoughts, don't let it beat you. You have done it before and because you learnt a way to overcome it's claws, it's thrown something else into the mix. I have come to realise this is what it does. So glad you have sought help, and yes I believe meds are useful, and therapy even more so. I hope you don't have to much of a wait until you are seen. Something I obviously have to remind myself again now!!! but always remember....they are just thoughts ? x

Thank you for your reply BM94. It is so helpful to know you are not alone so thank you for sharing your views ? This is a new one on me and it has caught me with my guard down and so I feel in its claws once again. I guess though it is still under the umbrella you speak of in that it centres around children? Before I was scared of being accused of doing something whereas this new one is almost like a false memory in that I'm questioning myself if I did do something??? Im not sure if you have had the same thoughts as myself as i didnt really explain myself properly. I find it hard to even write down that's why I say "harm" instead ?. This whole thing is torturous, I wish it was my contamination theme instead of this. I don't even know if I am making any Sense. I am trying to stop compulsions and ruminating but I guess as this is so raw and new it will take time for me to loose this anxiety and fear. Thank you again for your suggestions and kind words, you have been so helpful ?

Hi friends, it's been 2 years since I last posted and a lot has happened since then. I had to take a break from here as I found I was comparing myself to others which was obviously causing me all sorts of OCD problems. I had my sessions of CBT 12 months ago now and have been doing ok. Exposing myself more and more to the thing that triggers my intrusive thoughts- others children ? My themes have changed over the years from Initially being contamination based to worrying about being accused of doing something awful to a child ? Now I get to the part as to why I'm back looking for advice. Obviously I haven't been "cured" as for want of a better word, and have faced almost daily battles with my thoughts and generally I have won. However, I seem to have had another change in direction with themes and it is this that had truly worried me. I am now focused on believing that I have done something to a child, although I don't think I have if that makes sense?? But it seems real and so does the fear and anxiety that comes with it. Why do themes change direction? Why when you think you may be able to live your life in the way in which you have learnt to cope with it, does it do this??

You are more than welcome em, I hope you are having a better day today. Keep strong, Lisa x

This is what OCD does. The ideas you have can feel that real that you start to believe they are true. This isn't the case though. You have to be strong and realise that this is OCD doing its best to trick you. I have had all sorts of themes just lately, going from one thing to another in the blink of an eye. I have been terrified beyond belief but what I do hold onto to is that deep down I know OCD is trying to catch me out. Can you try and distract yourself with some meaningful activities rather than getting caught up in trying to work things out? This is only making your situation worse as you will never be satisfied with any answers you may find as you will still question them. I know it isn't easy to do, I'm still trying to take my own advice! Ruminating is my big one at the moment. But I know it does work when I really try not to engage with the thoughts. Keep strong, Lisa x

Thank you Ashley, such powerful words of hope and encouragement. After a good 6 years of being free from this disorder, I myself never thought I would be back in this situation - but hey ho - I am...and that means I have to fight hard again. But that I can...I have done it before and I will do it again. Knowing I can succeed in this battle as I have before, gives me the strength needed to see this through. I will be starting CBT sometime in 2018 so this time next year I hope to be able to look back and see how far I have come and be able to recognise that I am a stronger, better individual for all I have suffered. Happy New Year to all my fellow forum friends, may 2018 be the year that allows you to shine

Amazing post Ship, such a fantastic achievement. You have obviously worked very hard to be where you are now - your words are inspirational. I am still fighting this disorder, chipping away gently at it each day. Along with sheer determination, I am aided by the great encouragement from the guys on this forum and hearing these posts makes me even more determined to keep on fighting. Thank you for sharing, stay strong, Lisa

Hey em, so sorry you have been struggling with this. I can't really add anymore to the fab advice others have given you...apart from saying keep strong my friend, you can get through this. Therapy should be there for you soon too so keep reminding yourself of that. Just take each day at a time. With each feeling that you need reassurance for, try and hold out for 5 mins before seeking it. This may give you valid time to refrain from asking. As Paradoxer explains perfectly, you may feel the need for this reassurance depletes over that time. However if it doesn't and you still need to ask, that is fine. Do not be hard on yourself. Just try again the next time the urge comes and then keep trying until you beat it...you can do this em Sending you loads of positiveness Lisa xx

Is this based on a children's book by Julia Donaldson?? My son has this book, one of his favourites actually. That would explain how I know it almost word for word Have to say though (if it is the one I am thinking of)...good choice!

Ah I'm glad to hear you are feeling better Lost. How nice you are spending Christmas with your daughter especially after 11 years. I have my daughter home too so I guses we are both very lucky Enjoy your day with your family and take it easy too, Lisa xxx

Ah I'm sorry you have been struggling Lost, I hope you are in a better place now It is a hard time of year when we are "supposed" to be joyful but for many differing reasons it not always as simple as the Xmas happy family adverts make it out to be is it! I too have been struggling and have been convinced that OCD would spoil my xmas day. Im fghting back though as hard as it is. I just want to feel happy when my children open their pressies without having horrid thoughts about one thing or another. I hope you have a peaceful day tomorrow Lost, Lisa x