JennieWren

Thanks Taurean for your wise words and common sense.

You are all correct of course. I've had OCD a very long time. And for a lot of that I didn't even notice my compulsions, and my obsessions just felt like me talking. Whilst it's great to be in a position of more self awareness and i wouldn't go back it is hard to 'see' it all and not be able to stop. I feel more guilt and anger about my behaviours. I used to think it was proof I was more special than the world that I seemed to have so much difficulty in. ? Now I just want to be free of it. Ive got therapy today so at least I've got something to talk about.

Yesterday was a tricky day. I got a jumper off eBay delivered in the post. It felt slightly damp so contamination worries kicked in and I made the mistake of putting it in the wash. A mistake, because it meant it was now open season on more and more intrusive thoughts, which fixed on my partner harming my eldest. I felt that old worry that she wasnt acting like her normal self and felt the urge to quiz her to see if she was ok. Which I did, though I did manage to keep it to one sentence. I then felt a lot of worry over my 2 year olds drink bottle as it had been in the pram all day but forced myself to let her drink it without washing it/changing the water etc. So I've managed to delay and stop some compulsions but I can't go cold turkey. anyway, I then went with a friend in the evening to listen to a woman talk about a crowd funded 'alternative' school she's setting up. There was lots of talk about the failings in state education, particularly around mental health and the pressure our kids are under. It was really inspirational but I went into shock the whole time, I couldn't sleep after getting home and I had very violent nightmares. I couldn't work it out until I realised ocd had turned this into a harm theme. I.e. Unless I find a school/set up a school where my daughter will be more empathetically educated I could be doing her harm. All I wanted to do was find out about something new and interesting and have a night out, and OCD turned it into a traumatic and frankly exhausting experience. I just want an off switch.

I agree. Would you agree to be my therapist snowbear? I think your brother being unwell, the thoughts about the kind of family you grew up in etc and starting therapy are all big factors in making your OCD worse today. Sometimes it is helpful to view OCD as an indicator of how we are doing. So a bad day tells us maybe other things are bothering us that we need to deal with.

My sister is a perfectionist and her requests to look after her stuff in a certain way is on the surface irritating, with its suggestion that i a man lackadaisical about material things. The truth is, I am a bit, which is why it annoys me. To be honest all my friends and family have funny quirks. A good friend should not take your quirks too personally and be able to brush it off, especially if they know about your OCD. I know what you mean PB about OCD sufferers liking things pristine. I get too much joy from stuff pristine in the box.

I mean this kindly, but the thing is Bruces, the way you use this forum means no one can actually help you. You write one sentence each time, and they are pretty vague with no specifics. There is not much dialogue or conversation from your side. Just statements. so my question is what can this forum offer you? What would you like from us? And what voice do you want to have, i.e. Would you be prefer to be giving advice to others if you feel uncomfortable opening up about your own life and feelings?

Yes I think so, because they just play out whatever is in our head, meaningful or not. The intrusive thoughts/feelings/dreams/urges etc you might have around this worry is all normal for OCD. I even got groinal responses to the sexual abuse thoughts I had. Again, normal. Sounds wierd to say! I still have OCD but I have overcome this worry and it was well worth it. In varying forms it took four years to overcome, because I wasn't doing it right! Do you understand OCD and what you need to do? Have you had CBT?

This is OCD talking. I had a sexual harm 'worry' around my baby and your sentence sums it up. But this thinking is incorrect. You do not, you should not, avoid sleeping next to her. Believe me the more kind of things like this you avoid, the worse it is going to get.

This is what ocd has done to me my whole life. Everytime I overcome a theme, and I feel ‘safe’, it comes back stronger with a new string of intrusive thoughts that are even worse. Even so, I am now at 37 making some recovery. I am doing this by moving past the ‘topic’ to the cognitive process of ocd. And learning to not take my brain seriously at all.

So we have been talking about interpretations and here is the proof that one sentence, one idea can have multiple interpretations. Your interpretation is that was a warning from Jesus, my interpretation is that it was made up by a human being. I really believe this to be true. And you believe your version to be true. But I wasn’t there to witness it so I could be wrong, but neither were you, so you could be wrong. So in fact there is no certainty for either of us.

I think you should keep her in your bed a bit longer, just to knock the stuffing out if this intrusive thought. And when the worry has gone down around being in bed asleep with her has gone down, then transition her. i think transitioning her now would be avoidance. Plus, she’s not going to want to sleep in her cot after sharing with you so you may have a bit of a process to go through and not much sleep. You would be better if be feeling relaxed and calm doing this don’t you think? Not, “you have to do this soon/now, in case I hurt you in my sleep”. Do you agree?

This sentence sums up my problem with humans, and their need to control other humans. This sentence was written a long time ago by a HUMAN, not by god, as a way to keep people in the church’s control. The Christian church has amassed, historically, huge amounts of power and wealth by this kind of PROPAGANDA. It’s a classic carrot and stick approach: give people hope and security by saying that god will forgive them anything and they will go to heaven whatever (as long as they go to god for forgiveness), but then frighten the life out of them to stop them saying anything bad about ‘god’. Who is this god anyway? I’ve never met it. I’m not saying it doesn’t exist, but it is a very convenient way to potentially control people is it not? think about other countries where people are sometimes killed for being blasphemous. Do you really think this has anything to do with god? Or does it have to do with ideas so fixed other people must die if they don’t follow them? It is about frightening people. It is about maintaining power over people. And it’s all about belief. What they can make other people believe. in my opinion that sentence is vile. Rotten. Rubbish. P.s. Despite not believing in god, I have many Christian friends. I respect their right to believe what they feel is true. And when I see the core tenets of Christianity of forgiveness love etc, lived out, it is very inspiring to me. It is possible to be a good Christian without following dogma.

I think you should stay in the forum, especially if your partner is not someone you can turn too. We all want to support you and help you if we can, regardless. Whatever you want to say is ok in my eyes.

You won’t be able to cover everything in an hour, which why is therapy is a journey! It’s just the start so try to relax. It’s natural to worry about what will happen but your fears are groundless. Just think, whatever you are feeling right now it doesn’t matter. All you have to do is make sure you go to that appointment. Good luck. You can do this!!

I did a bit of probability at university and obviously (!!) it is based on numbers. Whilst crunching numbers is useful for the Nhs to try and manage risk, it has nothing to do with your dad. He is a person not a number. I wouldn’t dwell on this 1:100 figure. If this operation is going to help your dad have a better quality of life and make him well again then it sounds like a good thing. I know it’s all worrying, so another virtual hug for you!

So inspiring thank you for sharing. Well done!

A friend of mine's husband had similar issues about getting a diagnosis of Aspergers. No one in the NHS would diagnose him but he really wanted to know. I will ask her what they did and get back to you.

I think that you can't be bothered to think about it is a great sign! This feeling has really helped me with some of my worst obsessions.

The moderators don’t hate you. They are simply stopping you from using this forum for reassurance and compulsions. They are doing that because they want to help you get better, not worse. And I know you want comfort. But that’s not what getting better from ocd is all about unfortunately. It’s about accepting that we are going to feel uncomfortable and challenged. If I could give you a hug and take away your problems I would. Maybe I’d give myself a hug and make it all better! But that’s not enough, so we have to do the work.

Well don’t please! Isn’t the point of a place like this that we help each other out when we are in dark places? I hate ocd too.

My mental health always goes to pot when life is difficult. I hope all goes well with your dad on Thursday. I wish him the best. And my best wishes to you too. Virtual hug going through the internet as we speak. I’m ok. Kind of treading water at the moment. Not getting any worse. Not getting any better. I find January and February hard months to get through for some reason. I’m dreaming of summer.

new favourites. Thanks lost.

Well that’s one way to do erp ????

Sorry belanna, but even food covered in plastic is not sterile. And to be honest you wouldn’t want it to be. I think giving fresh veg a wash in cold water before eating it is a good idea but anything more than that is excessive. I think it is the anxiety that needs to be addressed not the veggies. I realise this is easier said than done. How you doing at the moment?

Yes take it even an hour at a time and don’t try and imagine what will happen/how you will feel next. I live constantly with a sense of impending doom. I am learning to live with it and not believe it. As others say, it’s just my brain wired wrong.