Some advice - cleaning and germs

[gingerbreadgirl]

Just to give a bit of an update on this.

It has improved quite a lot following a conversation me and my OH had.  She was very insistent that I had to address this and that she wanted me to get better, she wants me to be happy and the idea that I am doing all this to be a "good wife" is ridiculous.  She pointed out that if we both carry on down this path then we will both just end up enabling each other and end up in some crazy clean hermit existence - and she's totally right!

So basically that was the catalyst I needed to basically do whatever exposure I needed to get past this - and as I always find when I really knuckle down and do exposure, it works pretty quickly.  My concerns about cleaning are already fading and I am deliberately doing things that make me uncomfortable, feel germy etc.  Also, my partner has been doing a lot to address her fears around this too so that's good for both of us. 

However - and this is a big however.  I know that really our conversation was just a big bout of reassurance.  it was my partner giving me "permission" to sort this out.  It was telling me that I can be unclean and still be a good person - which is the big fear at the heart of all my OCD themes.  As always I needed someone else to tell me I'm OK.  

So although I am now tackling the contamination obsession, really I am not tackling the underlying issue which is my fear of being a bad person.  And I am trying to do that but struggling because I think this has been a big sticking point for my entire life.  I think if I hadn't grown up with this fear of being bad then I would be a totally different person.  I know it holds me back in all kinds of ways and has made my behaviour quite destructive at times and I am pretty sure I would never have developed OCD without it.

So I'm still trying to figure all this out and not sure where to go from here, whether I should find a therapist (which I really don't want to do) or just carry on by myself.  But I am moving forwards with my OCD for sure so that's a good thing.  

 

[dksea]

I'm glad to hear things are improving for you and that you had a good and productive discussion with your partner.  I hope things continue going in a positive direction and I applaud your proactive efforts to get things back on track.  Good job

14 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

However - and this is a big however.  I know that really our conversation was just a big bout of reassurance.  it was my partner giving me "permission" to sort this out.  It was telling me that I can be unclean and still be a good person - which is the big fear at the heart of all my OCD themes.  As always I needed someone else to tell me I'm OK.  

It's good to be aware of our own compulsions and be on guard for situations where they might be cause trouble, but keep in mind that reassurance is a normal part of life. When we feel sick we might see a doctor.  When we have a fight with a friend, we might talk to them later to make sure things are ok.  When we have a bad day we might turn to a partner or other loved one for support. We all need a little reassurance now and then.  Like other behaviors, he problem isn't the reassurance itself, its when it becomes a compulsive pattern.  Its good you are aware of your tendency to seek reassurance and that you are trying to resolve it, but its ok to do it sometimes, just like its ok to wash your hands sometimes (in fact its healthy and important!). Just something to keep in mind going forward.  Good luck!

 

[Gemma7]

I agree with dksea. I think your discussion with your partner was more about feeling secure enough to challenge OCD and was also about her issues so really needed to be talked about. All the confessing previously was much more in line with compulsive reassurance. 

Well done, I'm really glad you're seeing an improvement

[gingerbreadgirl]

Thanks very much @dksea and @Gemma7 (sorry Dksea I think I missed your post when you first posted it).  I've taken on board what you've said and will just treat it like a conversation we needed to have.  I guess I am wary about this sort of thing because getting my partner's reassurance/approval/permission etc. is a massive compulsion of mine (or has been) - but like you say sometimes this kind of thing is normal, just like hand washing etc. Thanks