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2 minutes ago, malina said:

Hey Cora,

I understand that you don't know how to treat this as OCD. That is why you need therapy, because you have to learn how to restructure your thinking and behaviour to be able to see things differently. But as that isn't really an option for a few more months, you have to try to understand that you can't just will yourself into believing something and expect that it will happen right away. You need to build this up over time through consistent effort. This is something that regularly happens to you, almost everyday for months now. And almost every time, you react with pure panic. And you need someone to speak to, which is understandable, but you come with these detailed confessions, which are not helping. The association between these things is simple, you get an urge, you panic and do compulsions, the urge comes back stronger and more frequently. If you try to reduce your response, it will not be as strong.

So the answer is the same as it is every night - calm down, stop writing every detail and engage with something, anything else. You feel panic, guilt, shame, anger...that is all fine. But don't allow those feelings to consume you, accept their presence and get on with your evening. This is the same method every single time.

Stay strong Cora and keep fighting this!

I'm so sorry, malina, because I'm wasting you time, but what is happening is something terrible. I can't describe how disgusting the feelings were. How terrifying the urges were. And how close I was to act on them.

I know this is repetitive and stupid but this doesn't feel like OCD. It feels like it's the true me. 

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Just now, Cora said:

I'm so sorry, malina, because I'm wasting you time, but what is happening is something terrible. I can't describe how disgusting the feelings were. How terrifying the urges were. And how close I was to act on them.

I know this is repetitive and stupid but this doesn't feel like OCD. It feels like it's the true me. 

The only thing you are doing to waste time (mainly your own) is making statements like this. Sorry to be harsh, but it's the truth. I already told you, nothing you describe will change my mind and I stand firm by that. But yes I know that it feels disgusting and terrifying and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. So please please please listen to all the advice you've been given, stop with these compulsions and try to put some of what you have already been told into practice!

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19 minutes ago, malina said:

The only thing you are doing to waste time (mainly your own) is making statements like this. Sorry to be harsh, but it's the truth. I already told you, nothing you describe will change my mind and I stand firm by that. But yes I know that it feels disgusting and terrifying and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. So please please please listen to all the advice you've been given, stop with these compulsions and try to put some of what you have already been told into practice!

I promise, I do want to listen to your advice as it's the greatest advice I could ever receive, but it's so hard when things like the above-mentioned ones happen. They are too real. 

Also, I think I need to stay away from my brother. If I'm scared of hurting him, why am I in so close contact with him?! I need to protect him. 

I feel so awful. I feel like a monster. Today was too much for me. I hurt my brother once again. I wish I had some alcohol, or anything else really, to take away this pain. 

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I think staying away from your brother would be a compulsion. I’ve been through something very similar and avoiding the person in question did no good at all. It just avoided the issue for a while. 
 

You can do this. Start to believe in yourself! 

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10 hours ago, Cora said:

I'm so sorry, malina, because I'm wasting you time, but what is happening is something terrible. I can't describe how disgusting the feelings were. How terrifying the urges were. And how close I was to act on them.

I know this is repetitive and stupid but this doesn't feel like OCD. It feels like it's the true me. 

The thing is, it IS OCD.  This is how OCD feels.  I know, I've been there.  I've been walking on a sidewalk feeling like if I didn't use every ounce of willpower I had I would throw myself in to traffic.  Because that was my fear at the time, losing control and doing something to hurt myself.  I eventually confessed it to my doctor and my therapist.  I was convinced they would say that I was suicidal and lock me up.  Surely this was real, surely this wasn't just OCD.  But they didn't.  Because they could clearly see what I couldn't, it WAS OCD.  It was exactly OCD.  To get over it I had to trust them.  I had to stop believing my own fears.  I had to do scary things like walk not he sidewalk and NOT fight the "urges".  And guess what?  I didn't throw myself in traffic.  None of the urges or what I believed were "movements" towards doing it resulted in my hurting myself.  It was always just fear.  Incredibly uncomfortable, quite scary fear.  Hard to deal with fear.  But still, just fear.  I was not a threat to myself, just as you are not a threat to your brother.

Part of the reason OCD is so hard is precisely because of how "real" it feels.  If it didn't feel this way we wouldn't be having the problem in the first place.  You aren't just going to feel "ok" and be able to move on with this.  You are going to feel afraid, you are going to feel disgusted, you are going to feel like something terrible might/will happen.  You MUST trust that its OCD anyway.  That is the choice you have to make, the choice you SHOULD make.
 

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Also, I think I need to stay away from my brother. If I'm scared of hurting him, why am I in so close contact with him?! I need to protect him. 

I feel so awful. I feel like a monster. Today was too much for me. I hurt my brother once again. 

You don't need to stay away from your brother.  That would be avoidance, a compulsion.  You feel awful you feel like a monster, thats real, those feelings, but that doesn't mean you ARE a monster, that you ARE awful.  Staying away from your brother will not protect him, because you are not a threat to begin with.  You are afraid of being a threat, but that doesn't mean you are.  We tell you this, others tell you this, maybe you even accept it for a brief time, but then the bad feelings come back and you doubt it, you experience the fear, and you become convinced that part is right.  I know its hard, but you need to stop believing what the fear says, and the way you do that is by choice.  You make the choice that EVEN THOUGH it feels real, you are not going to do what it says.  You are going to take a chance, that we are right, and your brain is wrong.  You are going to recognize that you can't trust what your brain is saying right now because of OCD, because of a malfunction, because of a false alarm.

 

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Any time I have an urge to do something inappropriate, I touch my brother, like his leg or arm. I don't know why I do it but I do it and it's messed up.

Its a form of testing, its totally normal for an OCD sufferer, and its not messed up in the sense you mean it.  Its messed up in that your brain is allowing something meaningless to become a huge issue that you MUST react to.  Its lying to you.  so you touched your brothers arm or leg.  So what.  Thats normal.  Its not hurting him.  It only seems like a big deal to you because of your OCD.  I wish I could somehow make you able to see this the way I or Malina or Polar Bear, etc. sees it.  I really do.  Since I can't I can only encourage you to listen to us and take the leap of faith. I can only hope you will recognize that what you are doing now isn't working and you DO have the power to change things, it just means doing some parts you'll find unpleasant.  I'm not going to lie and say it will be fun or easy or quick, but it will help, you will get better, and it will be worth it.

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13 hours ago, dksea said:

The thing is, it IS OCD.  This is how OCD feels.  I know, I've been there.  I've been walking on a sidewalk feeling like if I didn't use every ounce of willpower I had I would throw myself in to traffic.  Because that was my fear at the time, losing control and doing something to hurt myself.  I eventually confessed it to my doctor and my therapist.  I was convinced they would say that I was suicidal and lock me up.  Surely this was real, surely this wasn't just OCD.  But they didn't.  Because they could clearly see what I couldn't, it WAS OCD.  It was exactly OCD.  To get over it I had to trust them.  I had to stop believing my own fears.  I had to do scary things like walk not he sidewalk and NOT fight the "urges".  And guess what?  I didn't throw myself in traffic.  None of the urges or what I believed were "movements" towards doing it resulted in my hurting myself.  It was always just fear.  Incredibly uncomfortable, quite scary fear.  Hard to deal with fear.  But still, just fear.  I was not a threat to myself, just as you are not a threat to your brother.

Part of the reason OCD is so hard is precisely because of how "real" it feels.  If it didn't feel this way we wouldn't be having the problem in the first place.  You aren't just going to feel "ok" and be able to move on with this.  You are going to feel afraid, you are going to feel disgusted, you are going to feel like something terrible might/will happen.  You MUST trust that its OCD anyway.  That is the choice you have to make, the choice you SHOULD make.
 

You don't need to stay away from your brother.  That would be avoidance, a compulsion.  You feel awful you feel like a monster, thats real, those feelings, but that doesn't mean you ARE a monster, that you ARE awful.  Staying away from your brother will not protect him, because you are not a threat to begin with.  You are afraid of being a threat, but that doesn't mean you are.  We tell you this, others tell you this, maybe you even accept it for a brief time, but then the bad feelings come back and you doubt it, you experience the fear, and you become convinced that part is right.  I know its hard, but you need to stop believing what the fear says, and the way you do that is by choice.  You make the choice that EVEN THOUGH it feels real, you are not going to do what it says.  You are going to take a chance, that we are right, and your brain is wrong.  You are going to recognize that you can't trust what your brain is saying right now because of OCD, because of a malfunction, because of a false alarm.

 

Its a form of testing, its totally normal for an OCD sufferer, and its not messed up in the sense you mean it.  Its messed up in that your brain is allowing something meaningless to become a huge issue that you MUST react to.  Its lying to you.  so you touched your brothers arm or leg.  So what.  Thats normal.  Its not hurting him.  It only seems like a big deal to you because of your OCD.  I wish I could somehow make you able to see this the way I or Malina or Polar Bear, etc. sees it.  I really do.  Since I can't I can only encourage you to listen to us and take the leap of faith. I can only hope you will recognize that what you are doing now isn't working and you DO have the power to change things, it just means doing some parts you'll find unpleasant.  I'm not going to lie and say it will be fun or easy or quick, but it will help, you will get better, and it will be worth it.

Thank you very much for this detailed reply, @dksea! It has helped me so much! I sincerely appreciate that you took the time to support me. Thank you! 

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22 hours ago, Hdigtts said:

I think staying away from your brother would be a compulsion. I’ve been through something very similar and avoiding the person in question did no good at all. It just avoided the issue for a while. 
 

You can do this. Start to believe in yourself! 

Thank you so much, @Hdigtts! I appreciate your support. 

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I can say that I had quite a good day in comparison to yesterday. However, that didn't last for too long. I was watching The Alienist and I got triggered once again.  

I'm back at feeling terribly guilty and ashamed. I've realised that yesterday I was seconds away from acting on some very disturbing urges. It felt like I really, really wanted to act on them but I didn't because that's bad and unacceptable, and I don't want to be that person. But I am. And even though I chose not to act on those respective urges, I know I can any time; besides this, I already acted on some past urges so I'm already messed up. 

I don't mean to be rude but I think you have a wrong impression about me. I am the monster here. I've never seen anyone with such a terrible story like mine. I'm really sorry. Please, don't be angry with me. 

Edited by Cora
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Cora, you need to work on not cutting yourself down all the time. It's a compulsion and will only make your situation worse.

You are not in a position to tell us what we should think about you. We each have our own stories, many with horrible obsessions. 

 

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On 17/11/2020 at 23:17, PolarBear said:

Cora, you need to work on not cutting yourself down all the time. It's a compulsion and will only make your situation worse.

You are not in a position to tell us what we should think about you. We each have our own stories, many with horrible obsessions. 

 

@Cora You need to listen to @PolarBear. I don’t want to be harsh but you need to hear it. You’re young and relatively inexperienced. There are people here who have seen and experienced a thing or two about OCD - often twenty or thirty years more than you. Imagine your experience on something relative to someone significantly younger and less knowledgeable than you - maybe a ten year old. Listen to the experienced. If you’re scared of relying on one person, listen to the consensus. A group of experienced people all agreeing are very unlikely to be wrong. For what it’s worth - I still listen and learn from everyone. I don’t have all the answers (I’m 40). Take care - and be wise.

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Thank you so much for your support and wise words, @PolarBear and @OxCD. I really want to get better, especially that I have the best advice in the world, and I actually thought I was doing better because yesterday I didn't get triggered that much, but unfortunately it's all back. 

So two things happened today:

- As I was waiting to pick up my brother from school, I saw lots of children coming out of different classrooms. And I felt like I was attracted to the majority of them; like I was noticing that they had nice physical features. That made my body react. I really tried not to analyse that but I couldn't stop because of how real everything seemed. 

- About 20 minutes ago my brother was being very annoying and frustrating which made me feel like I really wanted to punch him and hit him in the face. And even worse, I wanted to touch him inappropriately - how ****** up can this be? Then, because I couldn't stand it anymore, I went in my room and laid down on my bed as I wanted some peace and quiet. Two minutes later my brother came into my room and asked me to go back into the living room and stay with him. While he was talking to me I really felt like I wanted to touch him inappropriately once again; like I had to really control and stop myself from acting on that urge. It was terrible. 

I'm feeling awful. I want to treat this as OCD but I'm scared to do so because this doesn't feel like OCD at all. I really felt like I wanted to be violent and inappropriate with my brother and nothing can change that. 

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Okay, I can't stop freaking out. Please, help me! 

My brother just hugged me (from behind as I was on the floor) and he purposely touched my breasts - even though I told him he is not allowed to do such a thing, he still does it. What happened after was terrible. I took his hand away but I think I did it in a sexual way - I know this doesn't make sense but I think I had a sexual intention when I touched his hand. I also squeezed the hand a little. Please, what do I do? My groinal responses are so strong - I'm almost convinced that they are arousals. This is so awful. I went from feeling fine to feeling like my world is crushing into million pieces within an hour.

I'm convinced I enjoyed what just happend. This is killing me. 

Edited by Cora
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I also can't stop comparing myself to the people I know and people from social media. They all look so normal and happy. I am not saying that they don't have their own problems - of course they do, everyone does, especially in these difficult and unpredictable times. But I just feel like a freak among all these people. I mean, I am actually a goddam freak at the end of the day. Who the hell wants to have sex with their (little) sibling? Who gets aroused when their sibling touches them? Who has terrible and almost unstoppable urges to hurt their siblings? I do. I'm a freak. I'm as bad as any other criminal out there. I hate this so much. I know this is a complete exaggeration, but I think I need to do a favour everyone, especially my family, and just kill myself. Who the **** needs this monster in their life?! 

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Hey Cora,

first off...the only advice I can give you is the same as every other time. You have to stop with these compulsions, you say that you want to follow the advice you've been given, so do it. I understand this is hard, but the more you keep confessing and seeking reassurance and ruminating, the more often these feelings will come. You've been suffering from this very intensely for months, it's awful for you, I get that, but you need to try and realise that reacting the same way over and over again isn't useful. It's not enough to want to do the right thing when you're feeling okay, you have to implement it when you're at your worst.

Second, you really have to stop putting yourself down. Stop calling yourself names.

The thing about social media, imagine someone who is looking at your profiles, would they have any inkling of the suffering you're going through? Probably not, so you can't assume you know about other people's lives. You say you are aware everyone has problems, but you have no idea about the extent of anybody's difficulties.

So come on, stay strong and keep going! Nobody said this was easy and nobody is making promises that this is going to stop overnight, but you have to keep making an effort.

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26 minutes ago, malina said:

Hey Cora,

first off...the only advice I can give you is the same as every other time. You have to stop with these compulsions, you say that you want to follow the advice you've been given, so do it. I understand this is hard, but the more you keep confessing and seeking reassurance and ruminating, the more often these feelings will come. You've been suffering from this very intensely for months, it's awful for you, I get that, but you need to try and realise that reacting the same way over and over again isn't useful. It's not enough to want to do the right thing when you're feeling okay, you have to implement it when you're at your worst.

Second, you really have to stop putting yourself down. Stop calling yourself names.

The thing about social media, imagine someone who is looking at your profiles, would they have any inkling of the suffering you're going through? Probably not, so you can't assume you know about other people's lives. You say you are aware everyone has problems, but you have no idea about the extent of anybody's difficulties.

So come on, stay strong and keep going! Nobody said this was easy and nobody is making promises that this is going to stop overnight, but you have to keep making an effort.

Hi @malina

Thank you so much for your help. 

I just want to apologise because I think I'm wasting your time.

I think I'm a lost cause here. How do I know that what I'm feeling and thinking is OCD and not the real me? Yes, I could assume that it is OCD because I hate all this and because I'm on an OCD forum, but that doesn't mean anything. Even though all this causes me huge pain, it doesn't mean it's not true. I'm sorry, I'm not making any sense. 

This is probably real. I'm attracted to my brother and other children. I abused my brother and cousin. I just don't want to admit it. 

I don't even know what to do. This is utterly surreal - I can't actually believe this is happening to me. 

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@Cora the only things that have ever bothered me have been you apologising, telling me that you're wasting my time and insulting yourself. And you're right, visiting an OCD forum really doesn't mean anything, but surely the responses that you have gotten from so many people on the forum do mean something. I don't know how many ways I can say this, but as always I think you just need to take a leap of faith and trust the people who have a great deal of experience and are really trying to help you.

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Thank you, @Hdigtts and @malina. You are too kind to me! 

I know this is stupid and useless to say, but I'm really scared this is not OCD. The feelings I experienced were so terribly overwhelming, and it seemed like I was going to do something very, very bad. As I said, it seemed like I had to actually stop myself from acting on those urges - and this worries me very much. 

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10 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @Hdigtts and @malina. You are too kind to me! 

I know this is stupid and useless to say, but I'm really scared this is not OCD. The feelings I experienced were so terribly overwhelming, and it seemed like I was going to do something very, very bad. As I said, it seemed like I had to actually stop myself from acting on those urges - and this worries me very much. 

I know that you are afraid of this. But look at the forum, how many threads are there with people questioning whether their problem is really OCD? I bet they read yours and think that it sounds like you have OCD, but their situation is different....and this is the exact thing you are doing. For what it's worth, the way you describe these urges, as something you have to stop yourself from doing, sounds pretty much exactly like my experience. That is why I was so terrified and had to do things like throw away knives or avoid being alone. I just felt like if I had the means to do something bad to myself, I wouldn't be able to stop myself and so I had to get rid of anything that presented any danger. At some points I was too scared to do things like cooking because I thought that if I had to hold a knife, the urge would be so strong that I would lose control. That is where ERP came into play, I had to expose myself to knives in very frightening ways to get some experience in facing these urges. Please, please don't underestimate how strongly people with OCD feel their urges, that would just be unfair. It is very real to every sufferer, even if you read their posts on the forum and think you can recognise the patterns of OCD, they do not recognise it themselves a lot of the time because of how real, strong and overwhelming these feelings are.

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5 hours ago, malina said:

I know that you are afraid of this. But look at the forum, how many threads are there with people questioning whether their problem is really OCD? I bet they read yours and think that it sounds like you have OCD, but their situation is different....and this is the exact thing you are doing. For what it's worth, the way you describe these urges, as something you have to stop yourself from doing, sounds pretty much exactly like my experience. That is why I was so terrified and had to do things like throw away knives or avoid being alone. I just felt like if I had the means to do something bad to myself, I wouldn't be able to stop myself and so I had to get rid of anything that presented any danger. At some points I was too scared to do things like cooking because I thought that if I had to hold a knife, the urge would be so strong that I would lose control. That is where ERP came into play, I had to expose myself to knives in very frightening ways to get some experience in facing these urges. Please, please don't underestimate how strongly people with OCD feel their urges, that would just be unfair. It is very real to every sufferer, even if you read their posts on the forum and think you can recognise the patterns of OCD, they do not recognise it themselves a lot of the time because of how real, strong and overwhelming these feelings are.

Thank you, @malina.

You're probably going to stop replying because of how stupid I am, but I can't stop telling myself how different I am compared to you, or any other OCD sufferer. You genuinly sound like a very kind and nice person who would never dare to purposely harm someone. And then there is me - someone who did harm someone and who seems so damn fake. 

Please, forgive my idiocy. 

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Cora, Cora, Cora.

You did it again. You decided how malina should respond to you, or not. You have done this probably dozens of times. 

Malina is all grown up,  knowledgeable about OCD and perfectly capable of reacting in a reasonable way to what you post. As we all are.

You keep saying we'll treat you different or be mad or stop responding or whatever when we read your next issue but it never happens! Not once has that happened. Not once have we agreed with you on such things. Think about that. 

It's not because we don't realize something. It's not because we are naive. It's not because you haven't explained it well enough. It's because most of us have already been in your shoes. We've been there and done that. 

Your constant put downs of yourself and claims that you know how we will react is a compulsion. It is not doing you any good. In fact, it is dragging you down.

So please, please, work on stopping doing so. It's one thing you can do to start gaining some control over this disorder. 

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17 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @malina.

You're probably going to stop replying because of how stupid I am, but I can't stop telling myself how different I am compared to you, or any other OCD sufferer. You genuinly sound like a very kind and nice person who would never dare to purposely harm someone. And then there is me - someone who did harm someone and who seems so damn fake. 

Please, forgive my idiocy. 

Come on, Cora, surely you've got to give me more credit than this! Besides, I've been through the period that you're at now and it was really frustrating for the people in my life who had to listen and deal with it. But they didn't give up on me or stop supporting me, so there is no reason I would do the same to you. You're not stupid and you're not an idiot. How about as a rule, we just stop using language like this? 

Besides, it's funny because you say that you think how different you are compared to me, but I read your posts and keep thinking how much I can relate to what you're describing. So I guess we just have to agree to disagree :) 

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3 hours ago, malina said:

Come on, Cora, surely you've got to give me more credit than this! Besides, I've been through the period that you're at now and it was really frustrating for the people in my life who had to listen and deal with it. But they didn't give up on me or stop supporting me, so there is no reason I would do the same to you. You're not stupid and you're not an idiot. How about as a rule, we just stop using language like this? 

Besides, it's funny because you say that you think how different you are compared to me, but I read your posts and keep thinking how much I can relate to what you're describing. So I guess we just have to agree to disagree :) 

Thank you, @malina. You are simply amazing! 

I would like to apologise for my offensive reply. I've only realised it today when I reread what I wrote yesterday. I didn't mean to offend you so I'm sincerely sorry. 

Once again, thank you for everything, malina. 

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