Worried about the future

[malina]

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted very much about my OCD in a long time because, in spite of the insane circumstances we're all under, I've been doing really well! I just find myself at a bit of a crossroads in my relationship and in life and I'm terrified of the future. Basically, my partner and I have been talking about having a baby, not immediately but we'd like to start trying later this coming year. I have always wanted children and I think that my boyfriend is going to be a wonderful father, part of me is so excited about how happy we could be, and the other part is terrified about how OCD is going to play into all this.

I've had OCD for as long as I remember with lots of different themes, but the predominant thing has been about self harm. This has taken away a lot of my confidence, has left me feeling afraid of being alone and has just generally had a huge impact on my life. I managed to overcome a lot of this, but had a relapse about 2 years ago, which I'm doing pretty well with now. It's just that my head is full of the usual "what ifs"...what if I have these same awful urges towards my child, what if I'm afraid to be alone with them, what if I end up being a terrible mother, I feel guilty that I haven't fully recovered yet because maybe I haven't tried hard enough with my therapy or with ERP. I'm afraid that there are more relapses coming up in the future, which I don't even care about that much because I know I can handle it, but I'm not sure how well I could handle a relapse while taking care of someone else.

I know exactly what this is, it's a lot of uncertainty and I just have to accept it for what it is and try to move on. I know what I need to do, but this has just hit me so hard. I don't want to let OCD stop me from having a family of my own. I guess what I'm looking for is just some voice of hope that it is all possible, in spite of having OCD and living with these weird thoughts and frightening urges.

Thanks so much guys xx

[MarieJo]

It is possible Malina. I have suffered with ocd in most of it's forms since the age of 10. I used to think I would choose not to have children as I felt afraid, the same as you, the what ifs were scary. However, I have three children now and I adore them. OCD will probably factor in somewhere along the line though, I won't lie. When my first was born 18 years ago, I was scared that someone would snatch him, then I had the intrusive thoughts, what if I drop him on purpose?, what if I let him go under in the bath and he drowns etc etc..these thoughts were horrible naturally but they lessened when the anxiety of being a mum eased off. I was and am a good mum, even if I say so myself lol...I still struggle at times with them and I excessively worry about them going out in the evening with their friends, I am trying to conquer that one still and I get bad health anxiety with them (not myself) What i am saying is this.. when you have OCD you are a natural worrier and when you have kids you love them more than anything on earth so you are bound to get some OCD issues arise. However, it is truly the greatest love you will ever feel, there is no other love like it. All the good bits far outweigh the bad bits. You know you have ocd so you should make the health professionals aware of that during the pregnancy and I am sure you would be offered extra support. If I can do it you can. Good luck xx

Edited December 30, 2020 by MarieJo

[Cora]

Hi malina, 

I don't have any advice to offer - which I'm really sorry for because I really wish I could help you - but I would like to say that I'm sure you will be an amazing mother and your child will be so, so lucky to have you as his/her mum - I mean this! Yes, I'm still young and don't know much, but I truly believe that one, especially you, can be happy and not let OCD be a (major) problem in their life.

You've shown me (and everyone else on here) how strong and amazing you are and I'm fully convinced that if anything OCD related happens in the future such as another relapse, you will overcome it. I understand that the future is unpredictable and there is a great chance that the things won't be (too) easy to deal with, but I know you can do it. 

I send you hugs and I hope you have a peaceful night.

[MarieJo]

Well said Cora

 Malina has offered you and others such wonderful advice and shown such empathy and kindness. I agree she will be a wonderful mum. I believe that whole heartedly and I also believe in you and that you are a great person too and that you will overcome OCD also. I think us sufferers are so hard on ourselves but we should be kinder to ourselves and believe in ourselves more as we battle such a lot so often x

 

[malina]

@Cora and @MarieJo thank you both so so much for your kind words! I have to admit your replies made me cry a little, but in a good way  It really means a lot to me! And thanks so much @MarieJo for sharing your own experiences, I'm sure that you are a brilliant mum! Thanks again both of you, you made my night!

[Cora]

3 minutes ago, malina said:

@Cora and @MarieJo thank you both so so much for your kind words! I have to admit your replies made me cry a little, but in a good way  It really means a lot to me! And thanks so much @MarieJo for sharing your own experiences, I'm sure that you are a brilliant mum! Thanks again both of you, you made my night!

❤

[Caramoole]

Hi Malina

My first episode of OCD happened in September 1976, aged 21.  I lived with it for 20 years before uttering a word about it to anyone.  During this time I decided I was unfit to be a Mother. Unfit on so many levels from being a danger to children to the more ordinary things of being a good parent, like being too anxious to attend things like a Nativity Play  because of the fear of panic or feeling too unwell to cope with a child when things were tough.  I was wrong, I would have coped, as so many do.  I never had a strong maternal instinct or desire for children, as such, but I do know that my decision not to have children was  made because of my OCD, not from a firm choice that I didn't want children.  Okay, I wasn't naturally  clucky but I know my decision was made for wrong choices.  If you want a family, go for it.  It will all work out, despite blips.  I'm fine, I don't live with regret, what is, is.......but if I had the knowledge I do now, back then.....I suspect my choices may have been different

[AnxiousAnnie]

It may be worth speaking to your gp as perinatal mental health services may be able to offer preconception advice.

[malina]

Thanks a lot @Caramoole! I completely get what you're saying! I was diagnosed when I was 20 while I was away at uni. If anyone had told me that, after leaving home, I'd go through a major episode of OCD and that I'd spend months feeling unsafe and out of control, I would have never left home. Yet funnily, in spite of the OCD, being away at uni was one of the best periods of my life! I guess this is the same, when you're looking at it from the outside, it looks too frightening to cope with, but when you're in the thick of it, you can draw on all your resources to make it work, and the bad moments are never truly as bad as you expect. In my case, I think most things are going to be a complete catastrophe and nothing ever happens

@AnxiousAnnie thanks a lot for the advice, that is a really good idea! I also have a therapist that I'm seeing every few months. It's private, I can't afford more frequent sessions, but he is really good, so I do have professional support to turn to.

[MarieJo]

I am glad you felt uplifted by our responses. It's true, you have lots of lovely qualities which would make you a great mummy . As I outlined a little from my experiences, it's not always easy being a mum with OCDand anxiety.  I seem to struggle with things my friends find easy but please believe in yourself, you can get through the doubts. Knowledge is power so you have a great advantage of knowing what you are dealing with from the start which is so helpful. I can relate to Caramoole and her decision not to be a mum and that being moulded by OCD. As I said, I doubted myself in this way too and planned not to be a mum as I didn't trust myself. I took a leap of faith with my first. If I had over-thought it at that time I probably would have talked myself out of it. I have tried CBT. It helped me a bit but not as much as I had hoped. What I find helps me the most is forums like this. Speaking to real people who have lived it and realising I am not alone and I am not bad. I also have been enlightened recently to what caused my OCD and that has helped me understand it. I was sexually exposed to by a man at the age of 10 and he knew where I lived and I was so afraid he would get me and my mum as my mum chased him (it was outside my house). I never dealt with that trauma, at the time I didn't feel too affected but it got deep into my head and it morphed into so much torture, anxiety, doubts, fear and confusion. For me understanding the origins of my struggles has helped me understand and forgive myself for my previous thoughts and fears xx

 

[malina]

6 hours ago, MarieJo said:

I also have been enlightened recently to what caused my OCD and that has helped me understand it. I was sexually exposed to by a man at the age of 10 and he knew where I lived and I was so afraid he would get me and my mum as my mum chased him (it was outside my house). I never dealt with that trauma, at the time I didn't feel too affected but it got deep into my head and it morphed into so much torture, anxiety, doubts, fear and confusion.

Oh poor you, that sounds like it was really frightening and awful. I think that with people like us, our brains are just wired differently, but trauma like that can certainly trigger immense anxiety. I don't think I could ever pin point how OCD started for me, my earliest memories from childhood (when I must have been about 4 or 5) are of having intrusive thoughts. I think that I have always just been like this and for most of my life I just thought that I was weird and accepted that view of myself. I think I hoped that I would become more "normal" when I got older, but it didn't happen! Instead, when I got to my 20s, I just started reacting differently and I remember thinking "this is not normal, there is something very wrong with me" and that is when things started to get bad.

6 hours ago, MarieJo said:

understanding the origins of my struggles has helped me understand and forgive myself for my previous thoughts and fears xx

Just remember, that there isn't even anything to forgive! You were the one struggling xx

[Bodge]

Hi Malina. I had the same worries 14 years ago when considering having a 3rd child. Since having my first 2 I developed fears of harming others so I wasn't sure about having a 3rd even though I desperately wanted another child. I decided to go for it as didn't want OCD to take that's away from me....the said 3rd child will be 14 years old in a few weeks. I struggled a bit but learnt to ignore the OCD lies and am so grateful OCD didn't rob me of bringing this beautiful life into the world (even though at 14 she is a challenging teenager at present ).

We can't say you won't have worries...but the worries are lies and your baby will be perfectly safe with you xxxxx

[malina]

12 hours ago, Bodge said:

Hi Malina. I had the same worries 14 years ago when considering having a 3rd child. Since having my first 2 I developed fears of harming others so I wasn't sure about having a 3rd even though I desperately wanted another child. I decided to go for it as didn't want OCD to take that's away from me....the said 3rd child will be 14 years old in a few weeks. I struggled a bit but learnt to ignore the OCD lies and am so grateful OCD didn't rob me of bringing this beautiful life into the world (even though at 14 she is a challenging teenager at present ).

We can't say you won't have worries...but the worries are lies and your baby will be perfectly safe with you xxxxx

Thank you so much Bodge for sharing your experience and for the encouragement! Seriously, all of your words have filled me with hope, I am very grateful

[Bodge]

Big hugs to you Malina xxx I have a book which really helped me get over harm themed OCD so I could function as normally as possible....it was recommended by a psychiatrist and has literally given me my life back. I'll find it and let you know what it is xxx I still suffer , as you have seen from my posts...but it is way more manageable now x

Edited January 2, 2021 by Bodge

[Pikachu]

I've considered in the past that OCD might want to stop me from raising children (though I don't feel much desire to anyway), so this was a really thought provoking thread. Fears of the future are really relatable but I've never seen anyone else with OCD voice them before.

I'm sure you'll make a great mother Malina, and shouldn't let any worries like this hold you back from starting a family as anyone else would 

[malina]

@Bodge - if you could let me know what the book is called that would be amazing. Thank you!! xx

 

@Pikachu - Thank you!! I'm glad that sharing this was useful in some way, I think that we all have these long term fears but are so focused on the current obsession, intrusive thought and anxiety that we don't even get to thinking about the future. I think that I've gotten to a better place now with my self harm obsession, which is why my brain has time to worry about what comes next. There just doesn't seem to be a break!

[Bodge]

@malina the book is called 'Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts' by Christine Purdon and David A Clark xx it's been such a help to me x

[malina]

12 hours ago, Bodge said:

@malina the book is called 'Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts' by Christine Purdon and David A Clark xx it's been such a help to me x

Thank you!! I will definitely check this out xx

[Bodge]

https://www.anxieties.com/ocd-four.php#.XWgr5Xp4WK3

Hi Malina....I also found this piece of writing an amazing help. Again this was recommended by a psychiatrist and helped me realise I actually wasn't a danger to anyone! Was about to give up a career in childcare which I loved due to scary intrusive thoughts when I was told by a professional that I didn't need to and was handed a sheet of paper with this link printed out on it....8 years later and I'm still working in childcare with more responsibility now and the confidence to understand they are just thoughts and the children are more than safe with me. I still go back to read it as OCD has now affected me in different ways...but it's still my lifeline. Hope it helps you too xxxx

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 3, 2021 by Bodge

[malina]

22 hours ago, Bodge said:

https://www.anxieties.com/ocd-four.php#.XWgr5Xp4WK3

Hi Malina....I also found this piece of writing an amazing help. Again this was recommended by a psychiatrist and helped me realise I actually wasn't a danger to anyone! Was about to give up a career in childcare which I loved due to scary intrusive thoughts when I was told by a professional that I didn't need to and was handed a sheet of paper with this link printed out on it....8 years later and I'm still working in childcare with more responsibility now and the confidence to understand they are just thoughts and the children are more than safe with me. I still go back to read it as OCD has now affected me in different ways...but it's still my lifeline. Hope it helps you too xxxx

Thanks so much Bodge! It's a good one for all of us! I love articles like this that really break down the mental and behavioural steps that you need to take. It just makes the process seem much more manageable and realistic. xx