Please, help me

[Cora]

Hi, 

(This post contains some really gross details so I apologise beforehand.)

Even though this is not the first time when such a thing happens to me, I find it very hard to talk about it. But at the same time I find it even harder not to talk about it so here goes.

My brother talks almost everyday to his classmate/friend over the phone (they play together and this way they keep each other updated). Let's name the kid 'J'. For some reason this (them two talking) has become a HUGE trigger for me.
I mentioned in one of my previous posts how I would have a groinal response each time J would speak. Well, now this has morphed into something much more disgusting. Yesterday I starting feeling that I fancied the kid. Yep, it's true, I actually felt like it was a normal feeling and I felt like a paedophile once again. I told myself that if it didn't feel real, there would be nothing to worry about for me. But here is the thing. It felt way too real to be OCD. How do I explain it? It felt like I was liking the kid just like I would like an adult. I started thinking he was funny and attractive (ahh, typing this makes me want to throw up) and so much more. I understand that OCD creates a sort of fake reality but not in this case.

To make it worse, there is some history behind all this. Two years ago J lost some weight and when I saw him at the beginning of the academic year (while taking my brother to school) I thought that he was attractive and I told myself that he looked just like a grown up (in a sexual way ). Those thoughts made me feel terrible but I had to move on... until two weeks ago when they started talking.

I'm freaking out. Yesterday I truly felt like I was attracted to this kid. Like it was real. It felt normal. I was even actively looking for reason why he is attractive and when i realised what I was doing, I just wanted to die.

I'm scared. I know to you all this seems like the same old story but to me it doesn't. It's all so creepy and wrong. The groinal responses, the (hopefully false) attraction and the weird feelings all over my body - this is all so frightening and disturbing.

I can't stand myself these days. I was afraid of this - that I'll go back to feeling very bad - and it happened so damn soon.

Also, at this point I have no feelings anymore. I want to cry and hate myself but I can't. I want to want to end it all but I can't. I feel nothing and I'm not sure it's okay.

Please, help me. I'm stuck. 

[PolarBear]

You're right. It seems like the same old story. Which I did not read all of.

You know what to do. All you have to do is do it.

[Hdigtts]

Hi Cora,

I know this must feel horrible for you

This is just more of the same though really. Have you been following the advice of others on this forum? You just need to be able to trust yourself that this is just OCD and then carry on with your day. 
 

You are paying the thoughts too much attention and thus getting yourself stuck in the rumination. This is keeping you spiralling down. 
 

You know what you need to do, try it

[Caramoole]

What is it you want us to do Cora?

[snowbear]

20 minutes ago, Cora said:

This post contains some really gross details so I apologise beforehand

Cora, what would you think if somebody said 'Apologies in advance but I'm going to punch you' ?

Wouldn't your response be 'Don't apologise, just stop yourself from punching me!'

When you recognise you're about to share what you consider to be 'gross details' that should be your red flag warning you're about to indulge in a confession compulsion. So stop yourself BEFORE you post.

I need to make it clear we don't care about the details, we aren't offended. But sharing the details is unnecessary and unhelpful for your recovery. Each time you type this stuff out you reinforce the idea in your head that confession is needed for us to fully understand. You fear we might miss some small detail that confirms you're a monster and not suffering from OCD after all. So you send yourself back round in the same cirles again and again.

 

31 minutes ago, Cora said:

I find it very hard to talk about it. But at the same time I find it even harder not to talk about it so here goes.

Of course it's hard not to talk about it, because your head is full of it. Hours of rumination and questioning yourself. Stopping yourself from coming here and confessing will help you to recognise how much ruminating you're doing - so you can stop doing it.

When the urge to talk details comes over you, take that as a sign you need to cut back on thinking about it.

I'm not saying you can't come here to talk, but instead of typing out details your posts should be about what you're doing to help yourself, or what support you need. NEVER DETAILS! They aren't necessary.

35 minutes ago, Cora said:

But here is the thing. It felt way too real to be OCD. How do I explain it?

You seem to be muddled over what OCD is and isn't.

It isn't imaginary. It isn't an excuse to do monstrous things or a get out clause for bad people to get away with bad things.

It is a disorder that affects your thinking. And you clearly have disordered thinking, right?

So when your thoughts seem real the thoughts are real. And they are your thoughts. But the meaning you put on them isn't real, no matter how real it feels.

So you don't have to explain it, and you shouldn't try. Doing so only sends you back round the same circles you're stuck in.

Next time 'it feels too real to be OCD' you need to stop trying to explain it, stop testing to see how real it is and accept the fact you're feeling what you're feeling with such intensity means it's OCD.

Then you deal with it like all OCD.

Allow the thoughts to be there without going off into ideas of what having such thoughts means, or what it says about you, or why you're having the thoughts and feelings. Practise just letting the thoughts and feelings be there. Let them float around without trying to find meaning or explanation of any kind - and teach yourself 'this is what it feels like to not react, not to ruminate.' It will feel strange at first because NOT reacting is new for you. So practise it and become familiar with the feeling.

Eventually you'll recognise it as 'This uneasy feeling because I haven't confessed is good! I'm letting the thoughts come and go and not reacting.'

 

 

[malina]

Cora,

if you're feeling like this, maybe you ought to reach out to primary care and see if you can get some help now, rather than in a few weeks time. You shouldn't be left on your own slipping back into feeling like you want to end it all. I do understand that your therapist has referred you to primary care and that you need to finish your work with them before seeing her. At the same time, I feel like you have been waiting for over a year to get some support, you get started with people and then shuffled on to someone else who you see for a brief period until you're shuffled on again and you never truly get started on getting any actual help.

[Cora]

Hi,

Thank you so much for your help, @PolarBear, @Hdigtts, @Caramoole, @snowbear and @malina. 

On 17/05/2021 at 00:11, Hdigtts said:

This is just more of the same though really. Have you been following the advice of others on this forum?

Thank you, @Hdigtts. I've been trying but I keep failing.

 

On 17/05/2021 at 00:39, snowbear said:

Next time 'it feels too real to be OCD' you need to stop trying to explain it, stop testing to see how real it is and accept the fact you're feeling what you're feeling with such intensity means it's OCD.

Thank you, @snowbear.

I understand that this is the best (and only) approach but it just is so hard to put into practice in the moment because of how 'real' it feels/seems. I'm finding very hard not to argue with myself about how real all of this is. Even though it makes me sick to my stomach, the fact that all these feelings of attraction and groinal responses seem enjoyable confuses me very much and makes me want to test and find explanations even more. I know I probably don't actually enjoy them but the doubt is still there. 

On 17/05/2021 at 09:39, malina said:

You shouldn't be left on your own slipping back into feeling like you want to end it all.

Thank you, @malina. This probably sounds dramatic but I do feel like I'm sleeping back into this state more and more once again. 

This morning I woke up remembering how for most of my childhood I used to be friends with a boy three years younger than me. (We were neighbors and our families were close to each other.) So far this seems perfectly normal, it's just a friendship between two children. But here comes the creepy part. I can't remember if this actually happened but I'm scared that maybe I had a crush on this kid? I mean, he is younger than me. What if I had a crush on him when I was 16? That means he was 13 then... 

I do remember how when I was 13 or 14, he came to my birthday party and brought me flowers, which made feel really nice. I'm more than convinced that I had thoughts about me liking him or finding him attractive... a kid who was 10/11 years old... isn't this sick?  

I don't know what to do with these memories. I feel horrible because now all the other memories about the past incidents are trying to get me again as well. Today I feel very hopeless and can't see how I'm ever going to get better. 

Edited May 18, 2021 by Cora

[Caramoole]

18 minutes ago, Cora said:

Today I feel very hopeless and can't see how I'm ever going to get better. 

You get better by trying your hardest to do the things that are recommended, even if that starts small.  At the moment you're not doing that, you're trying to fix the problem simply by getting through the day and enduring it.  You're not following a plan and you need one.  It could be on the lines of

Being aware & accepting that (although I don't feel it) everything that concerns me are typical and normal experiences for someone who has OCD

When I am overcome with one of these thoughts I will try and sit with the anxiety, I will resist the urge to carry out compulsions.  I won't go and write those worries out explaining all the details.  I will resist the urge to ask someone else to reassure me.  I will work hard at resisting the urge to go over this (think about it) in my head.  I will try and wait for that initial surge of fear to settle down and put my attention on what I am doing.  I will do my best to repeat this every time a doubt hits me.

If you keep putting your hand in the lions cage Cora, it will keep biting you 

[Cora]

42 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Being aware & accepting that (although I don't feel it) everything that concerns me are typical and normal experiences for someone who has OCD

When I am overcome with one of these thoughts I will try and sit with the anxiety, I will resist the urge to carry out compulsions.  I won't go and write those worries out explaining all the details.  I will resist the urge to ask someone else to reassure me.  I will work hard at resisting the urge to go over this (think about it) in my head.  I will try and wait for that initial surge of fear to settle down and put my attention on what I am doing.  I will do my best to repeat this every time a doubt hits me.

Thank you, @Caramoole. This is amazing advice and I'm sure that if you do it right, it will work perfectly, especially with intrusive thoughts, feelings and urges. But I don't know if I can apply it to real events as it is something that already happened and involved other people. I am worried that all these real events are way too important to let go of them. 

[Caramoole]

24 minutes ago, Cora said:

But I don't know if I can apply it to real events as it is something that already happened and involved other people. I am worried that all these real events are way too important to let go of them. 

The problem is Cora that you're not in a position to make a valid appraisal of what you "think" happened, of how you "view"  what you understand as a real event.  Your view is warped, it's compromised......it is the perfect example of how an OCD sufferer can take an innocent non-event and re-brand it as something important.

Nikki has a similar "Please Help" thread running just now.  She too worries about (what she sees as) a real incident.  Would you contribute to that thread saying that she has good reason to worry, that she is a danger?  I think not.  Because you don't feel "her" fear you can probably see it for what it is.

Until such time as you understand and are able to see OCD at play despite the fear & doubt you feel, you have to rely on trusting those who do and try & put the advice into action.

It's time for "doing" now Cora.  We can't just keep repeating this same advice

[malina]

14 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

It's time for "doing" now Cora.  We can't just keep repeating this same advice

So true. @Cora, look at your responses carefully, you are given great advice and you come back by saying "thank you for this great advice.  There is this other memory from when I was 14 where I.....". Nobody asked about your memories, really nobody wants to talk to you about what you think you did wrong. We want to help you get on track to getting better. Before you say something disparaging about yourself, it has nothing to do with us being disgusted by you or angry or bored. It's just pointless going in circles like this. Engage with us and with the advice you're given, do the things you're told to do. Stop making up "buts", these are just excuses to make you believe that you are the exception, which you're really not.

Please either try to follow our advice or call the primary care team. Get some help. Don't allow yourself to slip back into this.

[iamwesker]

I agree with everyone else on this thread Cora. You've been given all the tools and all of the advice to move forward, now it's time to put that advice into action if you want to get better

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

When I am overcome with one of these thoughts I will try and sit with the anxiety, I will resist the urge to carry out compulsions.  I won't go and write those worries out explaining all the details.  I will resist the urge to ask someone else to reassure me.  I will work hard at resisting the urge to go over this (think about it) in my head.  I will try and wait for that initial surge of fear to settle down and put my attention on what I am doing.  I will do my best to repeat this every time a doubt hits me.