OCD reducing but feeling really down

[gingerbreadgirl]

So I've really cut back on my ruminating and generally my obsessions have been receding and there has been somewhat of an improvement.

I have often found in the past however when I have dealt with an OCD relapse, that when it starts to go away, I start to feel really down, maybe even depressed.  Does anyone else find this? I am certainly finding that right now.  I should be feeling happy that I am getting some respite from OCD but I just feel uninterested and kind of miserable.  I don't feel engaged with anything that normally interests me, like writing or running or work.  I am on a course at the moment and I am just struggling to get through each day.  All I really want to do is go to bed.  My partner tells me I've put weight on, which would normally motivate me to do something about it, but honestly I don't care.  I struggle to look beyond the next 24 hours and just getting through it. 

It's my birthday on Sunday and I've just told my OH I don't want to really do anything for it, I don't want to feel pressured to enjoy myself. 

The thing is I don't even feel particularly motivated to climb out of this, as weird as it sounds.  It's like I don't even particularly want to feel OK again, I feel like I just want to disconnect and let the minutes tick by til bedtime. 

Sorry for the negativity of this post.  I guess I just wanted to put all this down somewhere and see if anyone can relate xx

Edited January 25, 2018 by gingerbreadgirl

[paradoxer]

I'm not suggesting it's necessarily the case with you, but I think for many sufferers, there's a kind of unconscious notion that when OCD is put to pay, the world will suddenly be in technicolor. Of course the reality is that  there are other 'real life' problems and drabness's to contend with - perhaps it can all be a bit of an anti-climax.  

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi Paradoxer,

Thanks for this and that does make total sense.

I'm not sure this is necessarily the case here (although I do see what you're saying) -  I am very fortunate in that I have had many periods of time relatively free of OCD and those times have not necessarily been technicolour, just normal. When not in the grips of OCD I'm generally quite a happy sort of person, mostly. This kind of thing only generally happens following a pronounced relapse. 

Anyway I'm sure it will pass as it has done before - I think I am just posting really to have a bit of a moan!! I like to think it's therapeutic xx

[Storm]

Hi GBG, 

I’m in the same sort of situation as you. I went from being swamped in OCD thoughts to making progress in therapy and finding that I was depressed and down. 

It took so much brain space and energy just to get through the day without any major setbacks. That when things started to clear, I didn’t like what was left. I was miserable and not enjoying the things I used to like. 

Fast forward half a year and I’m on sertraline (and some other meds for nerve pain but also have anxiety affecting qualities) and I have to say what’s helped is to carry on living the life we want to live if we didn’t have these problems. Fake it until you make it, that’s what I tell myself when I can’t face socialising or watching a film or reading. 

On the other hand self care is essential, retreat for some quiet time to recharge your batteries, if you like running then go for a little run and then maybe do a bit longer the next time. With your birthday maybe do something light hearted like cinema and a casual dinner, with lots to keep your mind busy. 

Probably a load of rubbish advice here but I just want to say I can understand where you’re coming from  

Storm x

[taurean]

It's good to vent. 

I think we go one way or the other - down or euphoric. 

I happen to go the euphoric route - which then causes my Mrs a problem with the complete change of demeanour and personality. So she then gets depressed

I think we need perhaps some greater insight than I have as to why this happens. 

 

 

[Lynz]

36 minutes ago, taurean said:

It's good to vent. 

I think we go one way or the other - down or euphoric. 

I happen to go the euphoric route - which then causes my Mrs a problem with the complete change of demeanour and personality. So she then gets depressed

I think we need perhaps some greater insight than I have as to why this happens. 

 

 

I tend to go euphoric too which also causes my OH problems as he doesn't know how to handle me. This phase doesn't last long though and then I often have a low mood which lasts a lot longer.

[JennieWren]

Ocd is an effective mask for how we feel about life and ourselves. You've told us you have low self esteem and issues with how you see yourself. So maybe this period of depression is telling you to work on yourself. You are mentally exhausted and need lots of rest. But you still need to go out for your birthday. You still need to keep a routine. Maybe pick something nurturing rather than something that takes energy for your birthday. For example a walk in nature with a pub lunch at the end. Or a swim/massage at a spa. 

maybe take a look below the depression and find out what you are feeling. For me it's often a lot of sadness or frustration.

maybe do some positive mindfullness exercises - some loving kindness or self acceptance work.

[JennieWren]

This is no different than having an obsessive mind in that it's still rooted in some kind of incorrect thinking. So treat it like you have been your OCD. Rationally and cognitively. Work out what you have to deal with this mindset and then do it.

[Franklin12]

I have always noticed a real down after the anxiety has gone. My (totally made up) theory is that your serotonin is severely depleted during an episode, but that it’s easier to get rid of the intense fear. Once the fear is gone, you notice your down mood that probably came with the same serotonin dip as the anxiety. But it was being masked by the intensity and urgency of anxiety. Depression, on the other hand, has the opposite feeling. I think as you feel well for longer your brain will balance out. Get outside, get some exercise, try to ignore the depression telling you to stay in watching boxsets and eating chocolate biscuits. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Thanks everyone.

Feeling extremely down now.  Have had the mother of all arguments with my OH, at this point think I'm going to go and stay in a hotel.  Had to leave work sick.  Don't know how we're going to resolve it.

Feel totally lost.

[Gemma7]

That's such a shame GBG, I've had horrendous arguments with my OH but you can work it out I'm sure. Have you got anyone you can talk to?

[gingerbreadgirl]

Thanks Gemma.  I have people I can talk to but I never talk about our arguments to people, it just feels really disloyal. This is a humdinger.  Worried about how we're going to move past it.

[gingerbreadgirl]

(Just to add we only argue rarely.)

[OceanDweller]

Hi GBG. Would it feel disloyal were you to divulge details of the row here? Perhaps an outside perspective (from folk who don’t know either of you) might be beneficial. Just a suggestion...

[Gemma7]

I understand. Try distracting yourself from worrying about things since worrying never actually helps. Focus on trying to get your mood in a better place because if you feel more emotionally robust when you see your OH again it will help you both move past this argument. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi OD,

It is quite a complicated/private issue and I know she would hate for me to talk about it here or anywhere. It's basically to do with the thing I confessed when we were on holiday. I have a feeling if I told you I would also paint it in such a way which would make me seem in the "right" but then if she told the story it would seem very different I'm sure!!

Gemma - thanks for your advice.  Feel very low right now, which I was anyway but more so as always if we argue.  like I said before it's like she props my "self" up so to speak so if we argue it's almost like it's been taken away for a while, which sounds so pathetic when I put it like that, or maybe just nonsense.

 

[OceanDweller]

5 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

It is quite a complicated/private issue and I know she would hate for me to talk about it here or anywhere.

Fair dos GBG. But if you feel you’re about to combust, do share. Talking is our most effective weapon against madness I believe.

[Gemma7]

8 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Gemma - thanks for your advice.  Feel very low right now, which I was anyway but more so as always if we argue.  like I said before it's like she props my "self" up so to speak so if we argue it's almost like it's been taken away for a while, which sounds so pathetic when I put it like that, or maybe just nonsense

It's not nonsense, have you ever looked in to that? 

[gingerbreadgirl]

3 minutes ago, Gemma7 said:

It's not nonsense, have you ever looked in to that? 

The sense of self stuff? Yeah I have looked into it, I think a lot of it is applicable to me and the root of a lot of my issues, if I'm honest.

[Gemma7]

I saw OCD stories did an interview (podcast) with a Guy Doron who mentioned self-worth being tied up in what partners think of us, that was interesting. Of course the key is to work out what we do with that information once we have it, that's the difficult part. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

I actually did a lot of work on this before this blip.  There are quite a few CBT-type exercises you can do around this and building up an independent sense of self.  It actually was working really well until all this happened. Now it's kind of gone out of the window!

[Gemma7]

Ok but they helped. Perhaps worth looking at again then. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Yes perhaps, thank you x

[taurean]

The OH will no doubt be hurting too right now. 

When Julie and I argue, also rarely, we feel hurt for a while but then will both look to find ground to put things back together again. 

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

I feel absolutely wretched, right now, if I'm honest, I think these last few months have just taken their toll and I'm in floods on tears and I don't really know why, other than I just feel sincerely right now that everyone around me would be better off if I wasn't here, I don't mean doing anything drastic as I'd never do that, I mean just if I could go back in time and not be here at all, nobody would be upset cos they wouldn't even know. Sorry I know this is total wallowing but I just can't help it.