Apology-Want To Tear My Brain Out (Merged Thread)

[paradoxer]

Well, perhaps you're right - maybe you don't have OCD, and if you do, perhaps you're a sufferer who doesn't have the ability to change. It's not unheard of. 

[don't know]

I really don't know myself anymore. It's just really confusing. I know I annoy people here and I apologise for it, really I do. 

Today has been weird. I woke up completely disheartened. I had a dream that freaked me out and I felt as though my worst fear had come true. It really cemented it for me. 

I also ended up just having graphic sexual images come up. I don't deal with those that often, it's just general questioning whether I want to do those things or not, feelings etc. I was alone and ended up just screaming, not to the point of tears but when they came up I felt the need to physically distance myself from them. 

I'm really confused to who I am or have become. I kept seeing these things and it just all lines up with this being true. I could write an extremely long list with real life examples etc. It even feels like I want to be like this. I can't even answer that question. Yesterday was really bad because it just felt like I was suppressing it and it brought me right back to when all this started. It may have changed in content but the feelings of just not being able to recognise myself is still there. 

I also think to myself, I search for these things so it must mean that deep down there's some truth to it, and it becomes even more apparent. There's no anxiety there it's the truth at this point. 

I feel like I'm having a genuine identity crisis and I don't know what to do. Maybe if I just admit it to myself I can feel better? How do I know who I truly am? I don't even believe this to be opposite of me. How can this be an obsession or obsessions if they are all true? I don't even try and picture my future. It makes me feel sad, anxious, or nothing at all. It just feels blank. I know those things that I hoped for are never going to happen and I've accepted that. 

With my worries about not feeling anything or not truly caring about my family and friends they've been out of my mind and I haven't cared. But then I literally thought about a memory I shared with my dad and I cried. I was confused to why I cried because I obviously don't care about him. Maybe it's just training myself, because apparently you can train yourself to attach meaning to people. I don't know what's real or what to trust. Maybe that's what it is. I'm not sure. I catch myself and tell myself that I don't care about these people because I get anxious around them, the mention of their name, thinking about the next time I see them makes me physically sick with anxiety. 

 

Edited May 1, 2019 by don't know

[helen10937]

[paradoxer]

4 hours ago, don't know said:

Today has been weird. 

 

Sounds pretty normal to me, as per the usual posts. I anticipate more of the same. 

[paradoxer]

3 hours ago, helen10937 said:

Poor Helen, how's that head of yours doing? ... must be pretty sore by now. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

I will not say anything on the topic but you have been told to stop posting new threads and even said yourself before that you shouldn't post new ones. Making new threads with absilut nothing new is kinda spamming, I think

Edited May 1, 2019 by OCDhavenobrain

[don't know]

People are tired of me, it's clear that I'm no longer welcome here. I'm sorry for being a pain. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

People aren't tired of you dk they want to help.  They want you to do something to help the situation rather than continually dancing to ocd's tune. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

I meant what I wrote and what I wrote was that I really don't think that you should post new threads with the same content, especially when you yourself have acknowledged that you shouldn't.

It is much better to have the same thread all along because then you can follow up on the pieces of advices one gets, and you have got a lot of them and frankly, there is not more to say, it is all on you now. You have to at least kick the ball.

Edited May 1, 2019 by OCDhavenobrain

[malina]

DK, we are not tired of you. You are suffering and you deserve to be heard and helped. You have already recieved many responses on this forum, filled with good advice. It is up to you to follow this advice and start to make changes. We are all rooting for you xx

[Sputnik]

13 hours ago, don't know said:

I really don't know myself anymore. It's just really confusing. I know I annoy people here and I apologise for it, really I do. 

Today has been weird. I woke up completely disheartened. I had a dream that freaked me out and I felt as though my worst fear had come true. It really cemented it for me. 

I also ended up just having graphic sexual images come up. I don't deal with those that often, it's just general questioning whether I want to do those things or not, feelings etc. I was alone and ended up just screaming, not to the point of tears but when they came up I felt the need to physically distance myself from them. 

I'm really confused to who I am or have become. I kept seeing these things and it just all lines up with this being true. I could write an extremely long list with real life examples etc. It even feels like I want to be like this. I can't even answer that question. Yesterday was really bad because it just felt like I was suppressing it and it brought me right back to when all this started. It may have changed in content but the feelings of just not being able to recognise myself is still there. 

I also think to myself, I search for these things so it must mean that deep down there's some truth to it, and it becomes even more apparent. There's no anxiety there it's the truth at this point. 

I feel like I'm having a genuine identity crisis and I don't know what to do. Maybe if I just admit it to myself I can feel better? How do I know who I truly am? I don't even believe this to be opposite of me. How can this be an obsession or obsessions if they are all true? I don't even try and picture my future. It makes me feel sad, anxious, or nothing at all. It just feels blank. I know those things that I hoped for are never going to happen and I've accepted that. 

With my worries about not feeling anything or not truly caring about my family and friends they've been out of my mind and I haven't cared. But then I literally thought about a memory I shared with my dad and I cried. I was confused to why I cried because I obviously don't care about him. Maybe it's just training myself, because apparently you can train yourself to attach meaning to people. I don't know what's real or what to trust. Maybe that's what it is. I'm not sure. I catch myself and tell myself that I don't care about these people because I get anxious around them, the mention of their name, thinking about the next time I see them makes me physically sick with anxiety. 

 

What would it mean to you if you don't care?

Edited May 1, 2019 by Sputnik

[don't know]

I'm not sure. 

[helen10937]

12 hours ago, paradoxer said:

Poor Helen, how's that head of yours doing? ... must be pretty sore by now. 

Lol

[don't know]

At this point I don't care if this gets merged or not. I'm not able to get better. I'm not going to get better. I've decided that I'm just going to be alone. There is no hope at all for me. Everything is a lie and I'm not cut out for life. I'm miserable and I am meant to be that way obviously. Life isn't good, and I have no hope at all - nothing. I'm fed up of trying to get better and failing every time. Some might argue that I haven't tried but I have and I'm not able to do it. It just comes right back. I'm just miserable all the time and I just don't care anymore. 

I feel guilty about posting on here because everyone gets fed up of me and I can understand why. But I don't see how this will ever get better. 

[PolarBear]

.

Edited May 2, 2019 by PolarBear

[don't know]

i don't understand. You don't need to comment on this post. 

Edited May 2, 2019 by don't know

[don't know]

It can't affect my life this much. People with sexual themes and that can still go out and do things I can't. I cried because I don't feel anxious over my thoughts anymore. My life is never going to get better. That's the funny thing my OCD ended up being over something that was true! That's never happened to anyone else, but that's just me. What a waste of time.

[malina]

DK, firstly I want to say that I am sorry you're still in pain. I know many of us are being tough on you but sometimes that is what you have to do to get through to someone. It is honestly with the best intentions towards you.

Now let's deconstruct this: 

9 hours ago, don't know said:

It can't affect my life this much. People with sexual themes and that can still go out and do things I can't. 

I'm sorry but do you really believe that it doesn't affect other people's live as much? OCD is incredibly debilitating. People with germ phobias are afraid to go outside, to touch everyday objects, imagine living like that. And people with sexual themes like yours are in incredible pain, they could be afraid to go near their loved ones, think that they have assaulted their children, are afraid to be near strangers out of fear that they have sexually assaulted them. OCD can feel like it is hounding you, like it creeps into your life every single day, non stop, and it won't give you any peace. 

It absolutely CAN affect your life as much as it is and much more to be honest. 

9 hours ago, don't know said:

 People with sexual themes and that can still go out and do things I can't. 

Why can't you do things? This makes no sense at all.

9 hours ago, don't know said:

That's the funny thing my OCD ended up being over something that was true! 

Have you committed incest? If not, I don't really see how you can claim it to be true.

9 hours ago, don't know said:

That's never happened to anyone else, but that's just me.

But you were saying before that you've been reading about these cases where people's OCD came true, how can that just be you then?

12 hours ago, don't know said:

Some might argue that I haven't tried but I have and I'm not able to do it. It just comes right back. I'm just miserable all the time and I just don't care anymore. 

Trying is simply not enough. Getting better can take months, years. OCD is a chronic condition, which means that you have it for life. It's not a pleasant thought but it's the truth. Look I got better when I had my initial bout of OCD and now 11 years on am having a relapse out of nowhere. Yet this relapse is nowhere near as bad because I did learn to manage it. Just because you try CBT exercises for a few months doesn't mean that the problem will go away. The solution is to keep trying, keep working and fighting. Keep doing everything in your power because your life and happiness are worth fighting for.

Dk your biggest problem and mistake is that you give up very easily. Things don't work out and you say: well, nothing works out for me, that is just life, I am going to give up and not try anymore. I've seen you do this many times reading your posts and it is absolutely the wrong way to think. Everybody has setbacks in life, you can't claim that your problem is the worst thing to ever happen to a human being. Yet people with all sorts of difficulties manage to work towards having a happy life so there is no reason that you can't. What is setting you back the most is your way of thinking and attitude. 

Anyway, I feel for you and I truly wish you the best DK x

Edited May 3, 2019 by malina

[Raffles]

Reading over your posts in this thread, there's a lot of signals you may be suffering Depression alongside/due to the OCD. Tackling that could make tackling the OCD easier. Seriously, go back to your GP. Or find another one for a second opinion. Ask if anyone at your GP surgery has an interest in mental health. Whatever the label attached to what you're experiencing might be, no-one deserves to suffer like it sounds you are.

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Everybody would be depressed if they had to listen to the things OCD tells you.  

Edited May 4, 2019 by OCDhavenobrain

[don't know]

I ended downloading a really helpful book on OCD and it gave me the biggest sigh of relief in a very long time. It gave me a bit of hope and like maybe this was OCD after all. 

However, I ended up just falling into a deep depression. I just never feel as though I'm going to get better and that everything is true. During this time - what I usually worry about was gone, I didn't think about it. It was weird not having it at the forefront of my mind. Did I miss it? I just don't have faith anymore. 

I don't think I'm depressed. I can still laugh and find joy in things, it's just I don't really feel much for the future. I can't imagine it or I try not to because it'll never happen. I cried about it but now I just tell myself that and I'm fine. 

But, I thought I'll go and see if I feel the same reading those same articles and I'm not worried about it but my first reaction was to come here. I don't know why, maybe it's just routine? I don't want this to be true but at the same time you can't help it. It just feels like it is me. How can that be OCD? I probably just lied to myself. Can you have OCD over something and then it end up being true? I'm seriously asking because it seems to be the case. 

 

[PolarBear]

Sigh. Don't go rereading those articles. That's what got you into deep trouble. I really do wish you could see that.

[malina]

8 hours ago, don't know said:

I ended downloading a really helpful book on OCD and it gave me the biggest sigh of relief in a very long time. It gave me a bit of hope and like maybe this was OCD after all. 

DK, I am so proud of you!! I know that sounds silly but you went out and tried something different and that is a big thing. Even if it only helped a very little bit, you took a step in the right direction and that is something to be proud about. 

[Raffles]

You write about crying, feeling hopeless about the future, not feeling how you think you should towards people you love, and you're ruminating like anything. These can all be symptoms of depression. Where would be the harm in speaking to a Doctor about these symptoms and seeing what they, with their experience and training, make of it?

[don't know]

Yeah but shouldn't I be able to tell the difference between the two? What's real and what's not?