Sorry - Did something stupid (Merged Thread)

[foreverobsessing]

@Nolightleft I’ve told my partner I’ve had sexual thoughts about his family members/ our friends etc but because he knows I have OCD and that I am not in control of what I think, he is understanding and doesn't make me feel bad. It’s also not something I feel I need to tell him each time it happens because I understand that it is the OCD and that it is the last thing I would really want to do. In fact it causes me a lot of distress. It took me a while to accept that the thoughts/ fantasies or however they are called was something I couldn’t control but saying to myself ‘ok I’m having these thoughts. I know I don’t want to do that. I know I have OCD and that OCD can cause this to happen. Let’s accept that the thoughts are there and that I can’t control that, but they aren’t a reflection on me’ 

[BRG]

Hi, can you have a go at this?

 

If I came to you, visited your house or work one day - as friends - and I told you in confidence all my problems (exactly the same problems, thoughts, everything) as you are having, what would your advice be to me to help me?

What would be your advice to me to give me some respite, or some breathing space or to generally help me? And imagine that I have a wife and son too.

I know, you know, what I'm doing here, but what would your advice be to me, to see the way forward, so that I can have my life back? Don't say 'your an idiot BRG! ' that's why I'm on here in the first place to get help and advice! Just have a go... a guess - what would you advise me NLL?

Edited June 26, 2023 by BRG

[gingerbreadgirl]

2 minutes ago, BRG said:

Hi, can you have a go at this?

 

If I came to you, visited your house or work one day - as friends - and I told you in confidence all my problems (exactly the same problems, thoughts, everything) as you are having, what would your advice be to me to help me?

What would be your advice to me to give me some respite, or some breathing space or to generally help me? And imagine that I have a wife and son too.

I know, you know, what I'm doing here, but what would your advice be to me, to see the way forward, so that I can have my life back?

Really try and answer this post nll - put some thought into it not just a knee jerk response 

[snowbear]

@foreverobsessing, thank you for your input, but we've been encouraging NLL not to think about confessing or his past fantasies any more and have been working hard to get him to switch his focus to something else.

So @Nolightleft, as BRG asks, what would you say to a friend in your exact same position?

[StressedOut101]

Hi @Nolightleft I joined this forum recently and I've been reading about your situation and I empathise with you. OCD is such a horrible, distressing illness. Every single person here (and those who have OCD but are not using this forum) are incredibly brave to be living in a very challenging world with a very challenging disorder. I find that life is very difficult as it is and with OCD, it seems 100x more difficult. Can I just make it clear that this is NOT your fault at all. Please stop blaming yourself because you are clearly a person who has very good values such as honesty and kindness. I completely understand the need to tell your wife everything because you feel so guilty and you want to be completely transparent with her - that is because you are NOT a bad person, you are a good person. Think of it like this: you are clearly distressed and are struggling. This therefore means the fantasies are troubling you and that they are NOT YOU. You hate having these fantasies, so how can you blame yourself for this? I understand that they are in your head and therefore you feel responsible and guilty but what I have learned is that everyone gets invasive thoughts. The difference is that we care so much we struggle to deal with it because it is the opposite of who we are. Most people can leave these thoughts. We struggle but it does not mean it is impossible. 

I have very distressing thoughts that I have shared and spoken about a lot recently. I am a trainee teacher and the worst thing is having OCD in a school - I have invasive thoughts about making inappropriate contact with children and not just at work/with children - with literally anyone or anything! I worry about messaging people saying that 'I like them' when I do not, I'm in a relationship that I care so much about! These thoughts distress me every single day and I have suffered for about 3 years non stop now. It is EXHAUSTING! I get you, as do many people here. It is so tough and I know I have many moments where I get very stressed (you might have read what I post about before and will know how much I worry too). I have this thing where I have to tell everyone every distressing thought I have - not because I want to, but because I feel this 'need' to - that 'need' is the OCD talking. I understand that but just like most things, it is easier said than done, I get that 100%. I might be giving you advice right now but internally, I am still panicking about my own worries and anxieties. It is incredibly difficult. We will get through this and we will get through it together so you do not feel like you are alone. 

Each day, I want you to try (I will try my best too) to tell us something positive. Tell us one good thing each day that has gotten you through and I will do the same. I believe there is a threat called 'achievements'? You could post it on there and I will do the same. We both need to be more positive. I 100% understand that this is SO difficult to do, especially when the OCD is really bad one day. I had a complete breakdown after work as I was afraid I made inappropriate contact (despite thinking I did not). However I am about to write down something positive. Here is my positive for today: It is Monday and yesterday I was very anxious about going back to work. It is the OCD fears and also just that horrible Sunday night feeling of having work the next day! But I went to work today! I might not have taught any lessons but I still got to work! I get scared of making inappropriate contact with anyone, so I was afraid of going near the Uber driver - but I still got in the uber, I still got to work. I got through another day despite wanting to really give up today. One step at a time @Nolightleft

[StressedOut101]

3 minutes ago, StressedOut101 said:

Hi @Nolightleft I joined this forum recently and I've been reading about your situation and I empathise with you. OCD is such a horrible, distressing illness. Every single person here (and those who have OCD but are not using this forum) are incredibly brave to be living in a very challenging world with a very challenging disorder. I find that life is very difficult as it is and with OCD, it seems 100x more difficult. Can I just make it clear that this is NOT your fault at all. Please stop blaming yourself because you are clearly a person who has very good values such as honesty and kindness. I completely understand the need to tell your wife everything because you feel so guilty and you want to be completely transparent with her - that is because you are NOT a bad person, you are a good person. Think of it like this: you are clearly distressed and are struggling. This therefore means the fantasies are troubling you and that they are NOT YOU. You hate having these fantasies, so how can you blame yourself for this? I understand that they are in your head and therefore you feel responsible and guilty but what I have learned is that everyone gets invasive thoughts. The difference is that we care so much we struggle to deal with it because it is the opposite of who we are. Most people can leave these thoughts. We struggle but it does not mean it is impossible. 

I have very distressing thoughts that I have shared and spoken about a lot recently. I am a trainee teacher and the worst thing is having OCD in a school - I have invasive thoughts about making inappropriate contact with children and not just at work/with children - with literally anyone or anything! I worry about messaging people saying that 'I like them' when I do not, I'm in a relationship that I care so much about! These thoughts distress me every single day and I have suffered for about 3 years non stop now. It is EXHAUSTING! I get you, as do many people here. It is so tough and I know I have many moments where I get very stressed (you might have read what I post about before and will know how much I worry too). I have this thing where I have to tell everyone every distressing thought I have - not because I want to, but because I feel this 'need' to - that 'need' is the OCD talking. I understand that but just like most things, it is easier said than done, I get that 100%. I might be giving you advice right now but internally, I am still panicking about my own worries and anxieties. It is incredibly difficult. We will get through this and we will get through it together so you do not feel like you are alone. 

Each day, I want you to try (I will try my best too) to tell us something positive. Tell us one good thing each day that has gotten you through and I will do the same. I believe there is a threat called 'achievements'? You could post it on there and I will do the same. We both need to be more positive. I 100% understand that this is SO difficult to do, especially when the OCD is really bad one day. I had a complete breakdown after work as I was afraid I made inappropriate contact (despite thinking I did not). However I am about to write down something positive. Here is my positive for today: It is Monday and yesterday I was very anxious about going back to work. It is the OCD fears and also just that horrible Sunday night feeling of having work the next day! But I went to work today! I might not have taught any lessons but I still got to work! I get scared of making inappropriate contact with anyone, so I was afraid of going near the Uber driver - but I still got in the uber, I still got to work. I got through another day despite wanting to really give up today. One step at a time @Nolightleft

Ps. You care greatly about your wife and your relationship - this is why OCD is targeting it. If you did not care about your wife/relationship, you would not think twice about these invasive thoughts. They are invasive because you do not want to have these thoughts in the first place.

[Nolightleft]

Bless you for your time but I'm afraid you've got it wrong,I did enjoy the fantasies,I've been fantasizing for years until the guilt set in,I purposely imagined these perverse things because of boredom and just mental entertainment,I'm so sorry you are struggling to,I think my case is a bit tricky,I read about yours and can clearly see you have intrusive thoughts from nowhere.

I got these intrusive thoughts now because I enjoyed and entertained fantasies

[gingerbreadgirl]

40 minutes ago, BRG said:

Hi, can you have a go at this?

 

If I came to you, visited your house or work one day - as friends - and I told you in confidence all my problems (exactly the same problems, thoughts, everything) as you are having, what would your advice be to me to help me?

What would be your advice to me to give me some respite, or some breathing space or to generally help me? And imagine that I have a wife and son too.

I know, you know, what I'm doing here, but what would your advice be to me, to see the way forward, so that I can have my life back? Don't say 'your an idiot BRG! ' that's why I'm on here in the first place to get help and advice! Just have a go... a guess - what would you advise me NLL?

@Nolightleft what would you say to BRG's post here? 

[StressedOut101]

11 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Bless you for your time but I'm afraid you've got it wrong,I did enjoy the fantasies,I've been fantasizing for years until the guilt set in,I purposely imagined these perverse things because of boredom and just mental entertainment,I'm so sorry you are struggling to,I think my case is a bit tricky,I read about yours and can clearly see you have intrusive thoughts from nowhere.

I got these intrusive thoughts now because I enjoyed and entertained fantasies

But you do not enjoy them anymore. The OCD is making you feel so guilty for this and it is not fair. I have had horrible thoughts wondering whether they were my actual thoughts or if they were OCD thoughts. It is okay to move on and to accept that those thoughts are gone. That is not who you are anymore. As people/human-beings, we are constantly changing. Think about it like this maybe - you have told your wife a lot of the thoughts - she knows what you are going through now - what else can you do? Nothing! You have done everything in your power and you feel awful about these thoughts. That is okay! 

Can you tell me something positive about today? I can try and think of another one after you have! 

[Nolightleft]

I would be as compassionate and understanding as the people on here,don't confess it will only be temporary relief as it is a compulsion,try being kinder to yourself and chip away bit by bit.

Stressed out,have you read the fantasies I used to have,they are really out there,the didn't bother me,I just thought I had discarded them.

I think fantasies are different to thoughts because they are created erotic stories whereas thoughts just pop in,I knew what I was doing but it was fine,I could function normally as I just discarded them,I basically got off on thoughts of other close women in very perverse ways without a care, apparently according to many it's relatively normal but I can't stand the fact I did,it is part of me because I purposefully fantasized

[Nolightleft]

I think this is where I go against the grain

Forever obsessing and stressed out.

I did control the thoughts,they were not intrusive,they were fantasies I had,mind porn,dick brain, whatever it's called,I sympathize so much with the pain you go through but I 100% had the thoughts intentionally

I had total control of what I was thinking,total,now I don't because of the guilt of my intentional fantasies,there have been many,nothing I want in reality but they were not intrusive,I contrled them

[h011y]

1 hour ago, Nolightleft said:

I would be as compassionate and understanding as the people on here,don't confess it will only be temporary relief as it is a compulsion,try being kinder to yourself and chip away bit by bit.

So why not apply that to yourself? If this is how you would treat someone in your exact same circumstances, why wouldn't you treat yourself that way?

[PolarBear]

2 hours ago, Nolightleft said:

Bless you for your time but I'm afraid you've got it wrong,I did enjoy the fantasies,I've been fantasizing for years until the guilt set in,I purposely imagined these perverse things because of boredom and just mental entertainment,I'm so sorry you are struggling to,I think my case is a bit tricky,I read about yours and can clearly see you have intrusive thoughts from nowhere.

I got these intrusive thoughts now because I enjoyed and entertained fantasies

No. No, no, no, no. You get intrusive thoughts because you have OCD. Your mind chose to fixate on past fantasies. It could have been anything else.

Lots of people enjoy their fantasies. They don't become fixated on them because they don't have OCD.

[Nolightleft]

I know pb thanks.

The only reason I said it is because I think maby some people didn't understand the were fantasies but just random thoughts out of nowhere,I'm at work,finding it really hard,and tomorrow I've got my son a job ,I drop him off on the way to work and now have to wait 1 and half hours after work to pick him up,it's so stressfu

 

[Lynz]

NLL I know you don't mean it but you are not thinking clearly when you repeatedly say things like "maybe people don't know...". We have had on this thread alone 47 pages of you repeating the same thing when it comes to your fantasies and intrusive thoughts. Believe me, we know!

Great news that you've got your son a job. Hopefully things will now start to get a bit easier for you all.

[Caramoole]

38 minutes ago, Lynz said:

NLL I know you don't mean it but you are not thinking clearly when you repeatedly say things like "maybe people don't know...". We have had on this thread alone 47 pages of you repeating the same thing when it comes to your fantasies and intrusive thoughts. Believe me, we know!

Agreed.  There are 1.2 thousand posts on this thread alone and many of those repeatedly describe the detail.  This information isn't for us - we know!  This is you carrying out compulsions.  You have to start to really try to work on reducing & ultimately stopping this.  As long as you use compulsions in this way you simply will not improve.  

This thread is littered with comments as to how CBT doesn't work but part of that process is to try and implement the things known to help.  Looking at the thoughts and statements that are maintaining the distress and trying to reframe that (even in the face of huge doubt) Looking at and identifying exactly what compulsions we're doing and then trying to address this.  

[Nolightleft]

I'm going go for a while,at work,broken,can't confess,find it hard to apply any help,thanks for trying

[h011y]

17 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

I'm going go for a while,at work,broken,can't confess,find it hard to apply any help,thanks for trying

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. 

If you can, try and focus on the positives? I know it's a lot easier said than done, but you're at work (which is difficult enough in itself) and you've got your son a job. Two big positives. 

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, Nolightleft said:

I'm going go for a while,at work,broken,can't confess,find it hard to apply any help,thanks for trying

Not confessing is good, it's a positive, it's resisting a compulsion......but look at what happens next.  What are you saying to yourself? What's the dialogue?  You're resisting put probably following up with lots of rumination, lots of "This is too much, can't bear it, this will never stop....etc" Try and reframe it "This is OCD making me feel like this, this is what it does....I'm not going to go over it"  Give it your best & try not to write it off.....this is a war......it's hard, it's scary.  Hang in there NLL

[h011y]

Hi @Nolightleft,

 

I thought I'd check and see how you are? If you don't want to answer that's absolutely okay

[Caramoole]

3 hours ago, Nolightleft said:

I'm going go for a while,at work

Think he's busy at work h011y

[h011y]

56 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Think he's busy at work h011y

Oh I see sorry, I misread that! Thank you  

[Nolightleft]

I still don't know why I feel the need to confess to my wife,I know I do it on here and have to stop,when I first did it on here I got reassurance but I know I wouldn't get reassurance from my wife,quite the opposite,so if it's not reassurance seeking what is it,

I've obviously been on many sites in time and most people feel the need to confess if they just caught eyes with a woman or looked at a leg,or an intrusive they are pretty,never seem to be at the extreme level of my imagination 

[Caramoole]

What is compulsive confession? People with OCD may feel the urge to confess unwanted thoughts, feelings, sensations, images, and urges to another person. They may also confess compulsions that they have performed or other behaviors that they feel guilty about.

Just one tiny paragraph.......but we could provide thousands of other links and examples.  You "do know" why you feel the need to confess.......you just can't stop feeling compelled to do it......there's a difference.  You feel the need to confess because you have OCD and carry out compulsions in the attempt to bring your anxiety down.  Try get some sleep if you can.

[Nolightleft]

Thanks,

Should I feel to bad for this

The other week I sent a messenger to an old female friend I worked with years ago,

All I said was,you are the least judgemental person I've met,

I then tried to call twice.

Then I text her back and appolagised and asked her not to text back as wife would go nuts.

This suddenly heit me today,in no way was I pursuing anything,I was just desperate to talk and she was non judgemental or have I done something really bad