(My OCD makes me feel like) I am a very bad person

[Caramoole]

No Cora you don't have to ask and you know why you shouldn't.

What are you doing today to actively help yourself stop using compulsions?  I've asked a few times for you to sit down and write a list of all the behaviours/things you do that may be compulsions.  I haven't seen any yet.

You have lots of people here happy to help & support but not to respond to compulsions like your last comment

[OxCD]

26 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @Caramoole and @hazydaze. 

I have to ask this. Do you think I am disgusting now that I have thoughts and urges about animals as well? Because I keep asking myself the same question and the answer is always 'yes'.

@Cora You’re clearly a clever woman. You know full well this is asking for reassurance by now. Come on: help yourself and focus on something else. Trust other people with more knowledge than you. You can do this!

[Bodge]

@Coralet the thought be and move on with something else to distract you x you can do it xx

[malina]

Come on, you know we can't answer questions like these. It goes against what your therapist is trying to do with you. I know it's a tough policy but we don't want to undermine your progress.

4 hours ago, Caramoole said:

I've asked a few times for you to sit down and write a list of all the behaviours/things you do that may be compulsions.  I haven't seen any yet.

Now this sounds like a good idea. How about giving it a try?

[Cora]

Thank you everyone. 

Okay, I thing these are the behaviours that could be compulsions:
• Look/ask for reassurance (here and from my boyfriend)
• Confess (here and to my boyfriend)
• Monitor my feelings when I'm around my trigerrs
• Avoid touching my brother and being in close contact with him 
• Replaying events that make me feel guilty
• Try to fight the feelings of guilt, shame and disgust

There are probably more but that's all I can think about at the moment. 

Edited December 30, 2020 by Cora

[Cora]

I know I'm repeating myself, and I'm sorry for that, but I think the reason why I'm so stuck all the time is because I believe I enjoy all of this, especially the urges. Yes, I hate these thoughts and urges, and I wish I never had them, but it really does feel like I enjoy them. 

The urge from last night came with terrible feelings of enjoyment and curiosity. And, to be honest, all the other urges are the same. And that is very confusing and troubling. 

Edited December 30, 2020 by Cora

[PolarBear]

Look, you either hate them or like them. You can't have it both ways.

You've come here complaining about these urges about twice a day for months. Not typical behavior of someone who enjoys them.

What's more likely is, when they happen, you are terribly confused about how you feel. Later you detest them. That's okay. 

You haven't yet been able to detach yourself from the thoughts and urges. That will come.  Currently you are seeing the thoughts and urges as meaning something about you. In time you will realize they don't mean anything.

[Cora]

Thank you, PolarBear.

5 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Not typical behavior of someone who enjoys them.

Yes, this makes sense. However, I'm still confused, because whenever I have an urge or a thought that is quite overwhelming, I feel like I want to act on it. That feeling of wanting to/desire is what I can't understand and keeps me stuck.  

[Cora]

I'm sorry, I know that doing this is not helping anyone, but I can't stop feeling that because I had that urge last night and moved my hand on the belly of the cat as a consequence of the urge I abused the cat. 

I'm trying to treat this as an intrusive thought but it's very hard to do so when it feels like I'm lying to myself in an attempt to deny that there is a possibility that I did something bad. 

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

Thank you, PolarBear.

Yes, this makes sense. However, I'm still confused, because whenever I have an urge or a thought that is quite overwhelming, I feel like I want to act on it. That feeling of wanting to/desire is what I can't understand and keeps me stuck.  

Feeling like you want to act on it (an urge) and wanting to are very, very different things. Do you remember me talking about wanting to open the car door and throw myself out? A physical urge that actually saw me move my hand to the door handle?  Such is the strength of an urge.

You talk about excitement and arousal and enjoying it (YAWWWWN)  I'm probably old enough to be your Gran and in all my years on this planet I've never experienced desire, enjoyment, pleasure, arousal (or whatever else) that causes so much distress, anxiety and pain.  That's not pleasure, it's agony, it's distress.

I am offering you reassurance here, something I rarely do.....only because you simply haven't really understood any of this properly.  That's largely because each time these fears arise you respond (as many do) in the wrong way, with compulsions and reliance on reassurance.  This needs to change now Cora.  You have a responsibility to yourself to take ownership of this problem and do something about it.  You have to start trying to ride that first hit of anxiety, take it on the chin and look towards formulating a different reaction.......and that starts with forming a plan to change the automatic compuldions you currently do.

Well Done for looking at those compulsions.  Now you need to take the next step at trying to change those reactions.  Have a think about what you could do to change those responses, how you could approach them differently perhaps.

Reassurance over......but support is always on tap

New Year on Friday Cora....a good starting point for a different regime x

 

[PolarBear]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

Thank you, PolarBear.

Yes, this makes sense. However, I'm still confused, because whenever I have an urge or a thought that is quite overwhelming, I feel like I want to act on it. That feeling of wanting to/desire is what I can't understand and keeps me stuck.  

I get what you're saying. What you are missing is that although you get a feeling like you want to do something bad, YOU DON'T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING BAD.

This has been going on for months and months. You've likely had more than a hundred instances of this feeling, but you haven't actually done anything. 

The thing is, every time it happens, your anxiety spikes, you freak out and it feels so terribly real. So you pay attention to it and do compulsions. 

At some point, you have to stand back and realize you are going in circles. Even though it FEELS bad in the moment, nothing actually happens.

Call OCD's bluff and tell it to take a flying leap.

[Caramoole]

......and, I'm not going to comment about the cat and trust no-one else will either.  There's been enough information given to pick the bones of that one.  First tip.....stop trying to analyse it, stop the rumination.  Everytime you get pulled Into trying to work it out, recognise that....stop the internal conversation.  It will start up again, stop again. Each time it happens, keep check, refuse to get into that thinking, working-out process.  The first letter of OCD stands for Obsessive.......you become obsessed.  The second letter stands for Compulsive....you feel compelled to think these thoughts, to work them out etc.....D = Disorder, you have an anxiety disorder, you have disordered thinking.

Time to change Cora.  Be brave

 

 

 

 

[Caramoole]

Don't know what happened there, lost half of my post but you xa  get the gist.  One thing I did say was that your understanding of enjoyment, desire etc is absolutely different to mine.  Normally it would mean happiness, pleasure, delight......not agony, anxiety, torment & pain.  I also said that I was offering you reassurance, not something I'd normally do, but that for once, I have, because you still haven't got it.

Well Done for identifying that list of compulsions.  Now for the next step, working really hard at Trying to reduce  them, even when your anxiety is screaming at you.....which it will

[MarieJo]

Great advice again Cora. Urges are very scary because you feel like at any second you just might do it, but here's the difference YOU DON'T. I used to have thoughts about pushing my child's buggy in the road on purpose, I once had a thought what if I pushed the buggy over that ledge into the sea, what's stopping ne, I could do that if I wanted..the anxiety, fearvand confusion was immense (I didn't know then I had OCD as this was 14 years ago I just thought I was a bit insane) some thoughts feel like urges as they are so strong, confusing and all consuming...but guess what? In 18 years I have not hurt a hair on any of their heads. I am not sure if this is reassurance (probably is) I am still not fully in control of my own ocd tbh, but I do want you to listen, not just hear us, you are not unique in your thoughts, urges and distress, they feel no more real than other sufferers. Polar Bear and Caramoole are very knowledgeable so please, for your wellbeing, take their advice.

 

[malina]

11 hours ago, Cora said:

Thank you everyone. 

Okay, I thing these are the behaviours that could be compulsions:
• Look/ask for reassurance (here and from my boyfriend)
• Confess (here and to my boyfriend)
• Monitor my feelings when I'm around my trigerrs
• Avoid touching my brother and being in close contact with him 
• Replaying events that make me feel guilty
• Try to fight the feelings of guilt, shame and disgust

There are probably more but that's all I can think about at the moment. 

Hey Cora,

I think this is a really good list! Well done identifying all of these things! If I could add one more thing, I'd also say that you try to find people who have had the exact same experiences as you (and then panic when there is a detail that is a bit different).

These are quite a few behaviours that you're going to have to deal with, but what do you think you could start doing to tackle some of these compulsions?

[Cora]

Thank you, @Caramoole, @PolarBear and @MarieJo. 

I promise, I woke up motivated to change the way I deal with things. But as soon as I saw my brother I felt something disgusting in my body. It was once again a feeling similar to desire. And yes, I know that's not an actual desire but it does feels like one. It ruined my day and all my motivation is gone now - unfortunately, I am this weak. I'm not trying to look for reassurance; I'm back here because I feel safe here. I'm sorry. 

[malina]

Just now, Cora said:

Thank you, @Caramoole, @PolarBear and @MarieJo. 

I promise, I woke up motivated to change the way I deal with things. But as soon as I saw my brother I felt something disgusting in my body. It was once again a feeling similar to desire. And yes, I know that's not an actual desire but it does feels like one. It ruined my day and all my motivation is gone now - unfortunately, I am this weak. I'm not trying to look for reassurance; I'm back here because I feel safe here. I'm sorry. 

That's the thing with fighting mental illness though, you don't usually start by gathering up strong motivation and carrying it through. In the beginning, it feels awful, you're exhausted and you just wan to run away and hide. But you start with some smaller changes and it builds from there. The motivation and positive attitude come later, when you've already had a bit of success and know you can do it. You don't need the motivation, you're having these problems thrown at you whether you want to deal with them or not, so you might as well just start. And it's lovely that you feel safe here, but just remember that we are all here whether you post or not. You can wait it out a bit, delay your reassurance seeking, avoid posting that confession, yet all of us will still be around if it all gets too much.

[Cora]

Thank you, @malina. 

Edited December 31, 2020 by Cora

[malina]

BTW @Cora, I was thinking, after reading and responding to your posts for several months, I do think you're making a bit of progress here. For example, I noticed that your confessions are less detailed than they used to be, I see less of that sheer panic that was so evident in your previous posts, and with the list you just made, you have shown quite nice awareness of what compulsions are and what you're doing. Maybe you're not even aware of it and I know that it all still feels completely awful to you, but I see this as a sign of some progress and I think that you will continue to make progress, you just have to push yourself!

[Cora]

30 minutes ago, malina said:

BTW @Cora, I was thinking, after reading and responding to your posts for several months, I do think you're making a bit of progress here. For example, I noticed that your confessions are less detailed than they used to be, I see less of that sheer panic that was so evident in your previous posts, and with the list you just made, you have shown quite nice awareness of what compulsions are and what you're doing. Maybe you're not even aware of it and I know that it all still feels completely awful to you, but I see this as a sign of some progress and I think that you will continue to make progress, you just have to push yourself!

Thank you, @malina. You very kind! 

Of course, to me it doesn't feel like progress because I still feel quite bad but I agree with what you said: some of the behaviours, such as detailed posts and sheer panic, are now less frequent. 

I'm still worried however. As I said, I keep having inappropriate and disgusting sexual scenarios any time (and I mean any time) I see my brother. And i feel like I'm going crazy because I just can't understand why they happen and why they intensify even when I'm trying to ignore them and move on with my day. Because of that I'm being very impatient and irritated with my brother. I don't want him next to me, I don't want him to touch me, I just want to be left alone. And yes, I know it's harsh and our relationship is affected so much by it, but I prefer to avoid him. 

Edited December 31, 2020 by Cora

[PolarBear]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @malina. You very kind! 

Of course, to me it doesn't feel like progress because I still feel quite bad but I agree with what you said: some of the behaviours, such as detailed posts and sheer panic, are now less frequent. 

I'm still worried however. As I said, I keep having inappropriate and disgusting sexual scenarios any time (and I mean any time) I see my brother. And i feel like I'm going crazy because I just can't understand why they happen and why they intensify even when I'm trying to ignore them and move on with my day. Because of that I'm being very impatient and irritated with my brother. I don't want him next to me, I don't want him to touch me, I just want to be left alone. And yes, I know it's harsh and our relationship is affected so much by it, but I prefer to avoid him. 

You know why this is happening. It's because you have OCD. 

Look, it's taken years for your mind to get to this point. It won't get fixed in a short time. It will be frustrating. Some days it will feel like you are going backwards. It's all normal.

Trust in the process. 

[Cora]

I'm sorry to be back again so soon. 

I just feel very frustrated and upset because I just can't understand what's going on. I mean, I do understand that it's (probably) OCD, but I can't find any logic explanation for it. 

It's very weird especially because it's been constant for the past days - any time I would see my brother, any single time. I just don't understand why I have the need/urge to think of inappropriate sexual scenarios when I see him? Have I conditioned my brain to do this?

I wouldn't be here worrying and complaining if it were for testing - hence a compulsion - reasons. But this is the problem. It's thought of on purpose but not as a compulsion and that troubles me a lot. Plus, and I know this is probably not important or helpful, I haven't really met other people with a similar struggle, which adds to the fear, shame and guilt. 

And the scenarios are proper bad. Some of the most disgusting and utterly repulsive thoughts. 

Again, I'm sorry. And thank you for your understanding. 

Edited December 31, 2020 by Cora

[MarieJo]

It's all part of OCD..all of it..even this bit. When will you accept that? You might think of it on purpose but it's still part of the same disorder. There are only so many times we can repeat this. It's OCD and the disorder is diverse, complex and powerful so start to do as advised to tackle it or it will only get worse, believe me it can

 It's NYE maybe try to see the new year as a fresh page and the year you work towards your recovery. Have a peaceful night 

Edited December 31, 2020 by MarieJo

[snowbear]

2 minutes ago, Cora said:

I do understand that it's (probably) OCD, but I can't find any logic explanation for it. 

The saying ' not seeing the wood for the trees' is appropriate here.

It's not 'probably' OCD, CVora. It is OCD. The logical (and correct) explanation is that it is OCD. You need look no further than that

4 minutes ago, Cora said:

I haven't really met other people with a similar struggle, which adds to the fear, shame and guilt. 

Five minutes reading the forums and you'll come across lots and lots of people with similar fears. Maybe not the exact same fears, because no two people live the exact same life or think the exact same thoughts, but the principle is universal and identical across all OCD themes. Looking for exact matches between your experience and other people is a sneaky compulsion - sneaky because (as I said above) you'll never find anybody who experiences OCD exactly like you which gives your OCD room for doubt and sets the whole cycle off yet again.

Step 1. Accept this is OCD

Step 2. Make the decision that you've suffered long enough and are determined to find a new way of dealing with your anxious-provoking thoughts.

Step 3. Identify your personalised compulsiuons. (You've done this earlier in the thread.)

Step 4. Start to apply the advice you've received (resist doing the compulsions)

Step 5. When you fail (and at first you will because everybody fails at first), go back to step 2. Remind yourself that you want things to change, that you're ready to put in the effort required and however hard it seems the way to achieve that is to keep trying.

 

[malina]

50 minutes ago, Cora said:

I wouldn't be here worrying and complaining if it were for testing - hence a compulsion - reasons. But this is the problem. It's thought of on purpose but not as a compulsion and that troubles me a lot.

How do you judge that it's not a compulsion? I mean all compulsions are done on purpose, this is why we are able to identify and stop doing them, and there are certainly more thinking compulsions beyond just testing.

53 minutes ago, Cora said:

Plus, and I know this is probably not important or helpful, I haven't really met other people with a similar struggle, which adds to the fear, shame and guilt. 

But this is literally what I said earlier. You should stop comparing yourself to others, that is also another compulsion!

So come on, stop with the buts, what ifs and so on...you can do this!