Feeling very anxious again (don't think it ever really stops)

[gingerbreadgirl]

absolutely spot on, serenity 

[Saz]

10 hours ago, Serenity77 said:

Hi all,

The advice in this thread is amazing.

Saz I am sorry you are feeling the way you are. Your experience of OCD and false memory is just like I have. I understand completely and you sound a lot like me. For a very long time I would argue with everyone's reasoning and advice. I would have a 'yeah but' for every answer and the amount of 'what if's' in my head were unbelievable. 

I thought that if the 'thought / memory' was coming from me it must be true and for every bit of advice given to me i was not able to accept it as I thought I knew best. I spent hours, days, weeks and years searching my memory for evidence of something that never happened ... it's impossible, seeking reassurance, confessing my thoughts, researching on the internet and do you know what? Years later I was still doing it, never satisfied, never getting that 'just right' feeling. For every bit of reassurance I got a doubt, a new worry, a more elaborate story, 1 + 1 equalled 3 but was believable enough for me to think this was evidence... I got more and more confused and muddy headed.

You do have to take that leap of faith and accept it as OCD. It won't ease up straight away, how can it when you have spent so long doing it your way but it will, eventually. There is no time frame for this.

Saz I have struggled with cheating OCD for so many years. I had thoughts I had cheated and my husband at the time wasn't the father of my children. I had no evidence, it is against my core belief's but because it was 'my' thought I believed it must be true. This nearly ruined me and did affect my relationship with people including my children as I was adamant they would grow up and hate me or I would have messed them up and they would go off the rails, on drugs, killing themselves etc all because of me (catastrophic thinking at its finest). This also including the obsessive thought that by me 'confessing' my thoughts would lead people to believe them, doubt me and so on. 

I found a couple of books on my kindle (also available via iTunes) by Ali Greymond who is not a professional but has suffered from OCD and had thoughts of cheating. Reading this helped me a great deal along with many other great books on OCD I have read.

I remember a breakthrough came for me when I read in one self help book about people suffering from OCD trying to find evidence for something that hasn't happened ... it is impossible! You can think anything you like. It doesn't mean it is true although OCD will have you thinking anything is possible. 

The advice you have been given on here is amazing and it has helped me as well as occasionally i still have a bad few days. 

The leap of faith really is the only way. I totally get that you think you may be an exception, that you might be missing something. - your posts could be written by me in a lot of ways but all the reassurance in the world will not help you and infact will make you worse.

I also wanted to add that pregnancy can make OCD a lot worse which was the case for me. I am sure hormones have a lot to answer for.

Believe and trust in the fantastic support and advice you have been given on here. It will get better if you do.

Hi serenity and thank you.

Ali greymond..yes I've listened to her youtube videos..I've listend to (or watched (just about everybodys youtube videos on false memory ocd. Her voice was lovely and calming I remember. 

See all that bit you talked about with the catastrophic thinking, I have had exactly those thoughts - i will have ruined my kids lives, they will kill themselves etc etc, I've thought it all too and it's horrendous. I think your right, and I've said it too, that being pregnant is making things an awful lot worse. I'm quite down and can get upset at the drop of a hat (well I can do that anyways regardless of being pregnant lol but I know what you mean) and everything seems much worse sometimes. I appreciate all your advice and glad you were able to get yourself better ?.

12 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

you're extremely worried because you have OCD, Saz.

You say your false memory is similar to mine.  So do you think I should go to the police, confess, live my life in torment?

Or do you think I am different somehow - that mine is 'just OCD'? 

Binxy is absolutely right.  You need to trust us on this. 

Hey gbg girl. No I don't think you need to do that but I feel like i do because of the age thing in mine. I feel really worried saying that.

Roy yes we do have that awful connection to the news. I always have had it from being younger. I take on everyone's worries and guilt sometimes x

[taurean]

1 hour ago, Saz said:

Roy yes we do have that awful connection to the news. I always have had it from being younger. I take on everyone's worries and guilt sometimes x

The problems with the news for me go right back to when I first started working in 1971 and would read the newspapers whilst travelling. 

Something might at some point in the year get focused on - I now know it was OCD at work.

Years on and much exposure done, and in the correct way, and sometimes lots and lots of news read - and I am no better with it, in terms of being able to stop the OCD scanner and microscope suddenly deciding to home in on a piece, then personalising it. 

[Saz]

Morning

I've woke up very anxious with a knot in my stomach and I think it's a lot to do with saying about the age thing with my false memory  (in my last post). So sick of feeling dread every day. What are your thoughts on that? Can you see why I am worried about the future? Can you understand why I'm terrified it's all real and that in a couple of years this will be spoken of and my life and everyone else's will be over? X 

[gingerbreadgirl]

15 hours ago, Saz said:

 

Hey gbg girl. No I don't think you need to do that but I feel like i do because of the age thing in mine. 

whoah... hang on Saz... you're saying that the reason I shouldn't go to the police (etc) and you should is because mine was about an adult and yours was about a child...? OK - what about Legend, or Polarbear, or any of the other people who have had worries involving children? Should they go the police and live in torment? Or can you see it's just OCD with them?

Everything you say reinforces the fact that you think your situation is different, worse, more real, more catastrophic, than anyone else's fears... you need to rationally accept that what you are experiencing is absolutely no different to hundreds, thousands of other OCD cases which are exactly like yours. 

Edited October 16, 2016 by gingerbreadgirl

[Saz]

I don't mean to sound like mine is different I just feel like.....well just what I've already said above..... I can't explain it any other way. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

13 minutes ago, Saz said:

I don't mean to sound like mine is different

But you DO think yours is different and you find it impossible to accept that other people suffer in exactly the same way you do, and your treatment method is exactly the same as theirs is. 

[PolarBear]

You really need to read other threads, Saz. A new thread started this morning where a man is convinced he raped a child from a party. You are not unique. From from it.

[Saz]

Feeling really uncomfortable with everything, certain words etc, getting a bit panicky. Think I going to need to take a step back as I can feel me getting very overwhelmed with it all - again. 

Thanks for all your help...I know this thread is a long one! X

[Caramoole]

You can't keep running Saz.  Well you can and do but pretty soon you'll be back here, back on that square number 1.

Let's talk about Legend then as a classic example.  Legend WAS investigated by the Police.....it took a long time to clear his record but guess what, he did because HE HAD OCD.  It was over a decade ago but I remember working with Legend and his Wife when they were in the middle of this sorry mess.  Legend (who believed as strongly as you) will tell you he is cured, an ex sufferer.  Polar Bear, he was investigated by the Police and because of his OCD, they did have some tangible "evidence" on which to make their charges.  Guess what? He was diagnosed as having OCD and the case was quashed. I could quote you literally hundreds, even thousands I've seen on this forum alone who have felt just like you do.

It's time to stop running and face this Saz.  No-one is doubting how real these thoughts feel when they strike, how scary... but you guys are fortunate enough to have masses of information available to help you understand that this is what OCD can do.

[Saz]

I'm really sorry I can't do this...Caramoole.  I've sent you a pm. 

[Caramoole]

What can't you do Saz?

Any uncomfortable feelings you're having are anxiety, part and parcel of talking about an OCD worry that you're afraid of.  It is normal for anxiety to peak when looking at the thing/things that distress you.  Avoidance is just another compulsion, something that ensures the problem stays strong.

[Saz]

I don't feel like a weights been lifted by giving a bit more detail to my 'false memory' it feels at the moment I'm 'confessing' to something real.

and what I said in my pm ?

[Caramoole]

I can't offer you the reassurance that your OCD so desperately wants   You won't feel like any weights been lifted, the opposite is likely (as you've found) but it's the starting point Saz.

Keep your head and remember all you've ever read on this forum about OCD.  Your OCD is behaving exactly as OCD does behave.  And it is convincing, utterly convincing.  How many times have you read that?

Try not to add fuel to the anxiety by resorting to compulsions to deal with it.  You will be okay.  Watch those compulsions, the first of which was PM-ing me in a panic.  It's important to learn from these experiences and look for the compulsions.  Write them down so that you can see the pattern

[gingerbreadgirl]

how long are you going to keep continuing this cycle, Saz

It's such an incredible waste.

[gingerbreadgirl]

Don't disappear, Saz.  It won't solve anything.  x

[Caramoole]

If you keep trying to unlock your front door with a key that doesn't fit.....no matter how many times you try, it will not unlock the door.  Trying to make your OCD stop by using the same tools (compulsions, avoidance, simply enduring it, running away) won't work either.

Tell me Saz......there are enough accounts of OCD around detailing exactly your sort of experience.....why your case is different?

[Saz]

Hey gingerbreadgirl and caramoole. I'm still here. I appreciate your encouragement. If it's ok caramoole can I reply after tea time as I'm just coming off my dinner in work x

[Saz]

I probably think it's real because I've never experienced anything like it in my life, I had a gut feeling something was wrong the day after, the images were so vivid, the scenario was detailed, I was upset the day after, people had said I'd done things I couldn't really remember, my anxiety was through the roof, I done went to get tested because I was that worried something had happened, my 'false memory' takes place in a toilet cubicle - out of sight. See talking about this is really panicking me and I just got a huge wave of anxiety shoot through my body.

I know your going to say that mine is still no different, I was just answering the question x

[PolarBear]

Yup. Yours is no different than anyone else's. 

The exact circumstances may be unique but it all follows the same pattern as every other false memory OCD instance to be reported on this forum.

[Saz]

I just remembernot feeling right when I got home to my partner. I've not felt right since x

[PolarBear]

So what? That isn't evidence of wrong doing. It's not evidence of anything.

Some people with false memory get the intrusive thought right away. Other people don't get them for a day or two. For others it's weeks, months or even a year after the event. It's still OCD.

[Saz]

I just want to stop feeling like this pb, it's making me ill. Also it might not be evidence but it's not NOT evidence. X

[Caramoole]

19 minutes ago, Saz said:

I know your going to say that mine is still no different, I was just answering the question x

The question I asked Saz is WHY is your case different?

I understand the scenario, I understand how real it feels, I understand how frightening it is.....that is what OCD does.

Do you understand OCD as a condition?  Do you understand that OCD is capable of making a sufferer feel this way?

If you do, why is yours not OCD? (and please don't refer to your thoughts or how you felt at the time).  Let's look at Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and why you don't understand it can make a person feel this way and experience these "false memories"

[PolarBear]

You can stop feeling that way but you have to start thinking and behaving differently. The way you have dealt with this for the past four years is not working. You're stuck in the same place now as when I met you two and a half years ago. You keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

The fact of the matter is, after four years, you have zero evidence that anything happened in that bathroom stall. But you've had scads of people tell you that you are suffering from OCD, thousands of words written on the subject. Yet you aren't willing to give our way a try.

What exactly do you have to lose?