Sorry - Did something stupid (Merged Thread)

[Nolightleft]

I'm at work ATM

My wife is being awful,asking me if I masturbated,how many people,who this ,who that,what about,all my fault for confession,I tell her how I'll I am and she tells me how I'll I've made her

[snowbear]

I think your wife has developed a mental health issue of her own, NLL. When she asks these questions you need to reply that you're not going to discuss it and refuse to be drawn into any further conversation on it.

If she pushes you on it, suggests she speaks to a health professional about 'how you've made her' and that they can help her too.

My ex always said I gave him OCD. He blames me for it still, but truth is he had OCD when I met him. Mine was more severe though so it masked his. For many years he 'got away with it', able to pretend he had no mental issues because the focus was all on mine. But after we split he was forced to admit he had issues of his own. I get the feeling your wife may be in a similar situation as her method of dealing with this hasn't been helpful or  (dare I say it) normal.

[Caramoole]

Quote

When she asks these questions you need to reply that you're not going to discuss it and refuse to be drawn into any further conversation on it.

As I've mentioned before, this is vital.  You can say 'I'm really sorry my illness has impacted on you, I think it would really help for you to see the GP about this so we can both get well but I'm sorry, I'm not going to discuss  these questions, please don't ask' ( or similar)

 

[Nolightleft]

I've tried telling her that many times,I don't even say anything sometimes but she just goes on the attack,I'm on my own for this, thankyou both,just left work,massive crying fit,went to my mum's,told her about fantasies and I don't know why have them,she just laughed and said cos your a bloke,wish my wife did

[DRS1]

1 hour ago, Nolightleft said:

I've tried telling her that many times,I don't even say anything sometimes but she just goes on the attack,I'm on my own for this, thankyou both,just left work,massive crying fit,went to my mum's,told her about fantasies and I don't know why have them,she just laughed and said cos your a bloke,wish my wife did

Even when she goes "on the attack", you don't need to answer her questions. It doesn't help that she asks these questions in the first place. As both Snowbear and Caramoole have said, you can tell her that you aren't going to answer that and maybe she needs to get help of her own.

[howard]

I think if this was anyone else, they'd have realised that the fantasies you have are inappropriate because they involve people you continually come into contact with and that could create uncomfortable feelings and situations.

So they would stop thinking about these fantasies and they would fade in time.

But I'm not convinced you do see them as a problem. I think your wife sees them as a problem and that's understandable. And of course when she's angry with you about anything, or just feeling low from knowing what she does, she will use it against you. But you told her, whereas most people keep their fantasies to themselves.

I also think you are good at manipulating people and getting them on your side(27 pages later).

I think you need to lay down some rules for yourself and stick to them.

 

[Cora]

11 minutes ago, howard said:

I think if this was anyone else, they'd have realised that the fantasies you have are inappropriate because they involve people you continually come into contact with and that could create uncomfortable feelings and situations.

So they would stop thinking about these fantasies and they would fade in time.

But I'm not convinced you do see them as a problem. I think your wife sees them as a problem and that's understandable. And of course when she's angry with you about anything, or just feeling low from knowing what she does, she will use it against you. But you told her, whereas most people keep their fantasies to themselves.

I also think you are good at manipulating people and getting them on your side(27 pages later).

I think you need to lay down some rules for yourself and stick to them.

 

@howard, why are you saying these things? 

Are you purposely trying to hurt NLL? 

I think you're not helping at all with this kind of replies. 

Edited May 26 by Cora

[Nolightleft]

Well thanks for your opinion Howard,well done for learning your boundaries, professionals in the field,IE phycologists ,doctors have never questioned my fantasies,only my reaction to them,,in fact one phycholagist showed me a survey opf peoples fantasies and over 98 % of people have about someone they know,from my constant research and reassurance seeking from many work mates they also have unmentioned fantasies they would not tell there other halves because they either they don't want to hurt the them orbecause they see them as nothing,they discard them,and no they weren't making it up to make me feel better.

I don't come on this site to either manipulate or JUDGE,Im in a desperate place where death seems a better option,how dare you,

[gingerbreadgirl]

11 minutes ago, howard said:

I also think you are good at manipulating people and getting them on your side(27 pages later).

 

Honestly think this is a really **** thing to say

[Symps07]

On 25/05/2023 at 14:01, Nolightleft said:

Also symps,when you say you don't engage with fantasy thoughts does that mean you managed to not have them or not take them to pervville or you do but it doesn't bother you,it's to late for me,I should have learnt to do that and realized there would be consequences 

I used to find someone attractive and then fantasize about sexual activity with them.

But now I try not to fantasize. It's almost as though the fantasizing aspect was a testing compulsion or that I 'had' to engage with the initial sexual thought as otherwise I'd loose that experience/feeling.

Perhaps that's part of addiction, I'm unsure. But accepting that I can find someone attractive and leave it there, is helping me overcome it.

[howard]

5 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Well thanks for your opinion Howard,well done for learning your boundaries, professionals in the field,IE phycologists ,doctors have never questioned my fantasies,only my reaction to them,,in fact one phycholagist showed me a survey opf peoples fantasies and over 98 % of people have about someone they know,from my constant research and reassurance seeking from many work mates they also have unmentioned fantasies they would not tell there other halves because they either they don't want to hurt the them orbecause they see them as nothing,they discard them,and no they weren't making it up to make me feel better.

I don't come on this site to either manipulate or JUDGE,Im in a desperate place where death seems a better option,how dare you,

I'm just trying to be honest with you.

I think you've had tons of advice, therapy and sympathy. Some even now believe your wife is at fault.

But carry on. I don't think anything anyone says will make any difference. Oh it may distract you, it may make you feel temporarily like you are right.

But only you through determination and wanting to change your situation can change your situation.

 

[snowbear]

Ok, let's draw a line under this right here please.

@howard you are entitled to your opinion and I'm glad that this boundary method works for you. However, it isn''t part of standard CBT and in this instance it is unhelpful and confusing at best.

@Nolightleft

1 hour ago, Nolightleft said:

professionals in the field,IE phycologists ,doctors have never questioned my fantasies,only my reaction to them,,in fact one phycholagist showed me a survey opf peoples fantasies and over 98 % of people have about someone they know,from my constant research and reassurance seeking from many work mates they also have unmentioned fantasies they would not tell there other halves because they either they don't want to hurt the them orbecause they see them as nothing,they discard them,and no they weren't making it up to make me feel better.

Exactly. But sadly you aren't reassured by this.

So you need to get to work on the CBT - change the way you think about this

and change the way you behave (stop doing ALL your compulsions)

You were doing great a day or so ago. changing what you talked about here to other things like your job, real life things instead of the nonsense going round your head. Let's get you back on that track again.

Every minute you spend thinking about something else helps to break the cycle of rumination.

[DRS1]

2 hours ago, howard said:

I think if this was anyone else, they'd have realised that the fantasies you have are inappropriate because they involve people you continually come into contact with and that could create uncomfortable feelings and situations.

So they would stop thinking about these fantasies and they would fade in time.

But I'm not convinced you do see them as a problem. I think your wife sees them as a problem and that's understandable. And of course when she's angry with you about anything, or just feeling low from knowing what she does, she will use it against you. But you told her, whereas most people keep their fantasies to themselves.

I also think you are good at manipulating people and getting them on your side(27 pages later).

I think you need to lay down some rules for yourself and stick to them.

 

Wow. What a nice thing to say to someone that is struggling with OCD. I don't know what you were trying to get across here (I sure hope it wasn't as horrible as it reads) but to call people manipulative! You can have your own opinions about how you view fantasies or anything else for that matter but that doesn't mean you had to be rather nasty about sharing that in the way you have. 

 

I wouldn't say this "Honesty" is going to make any difference either @howard. It really only serves to hurt more and if anything play more into NLLs difficulties. I don't know if you are frustrated with the thread having continued in the way it has or not but this was completely uncalled for. We can all disagree but there's a way to do that and have discourse that isn't just downright hurtful or disrespectful.

[hazel]

@howard

What a charmer!

 

[howard]

3 hours ago, DRS1 said:

Wow. What a nice thing to say to someone that is struggling with OCD. I don't know what you were trying to get across here (I sure hope it wasn't as horrible as it reads) but to call people manipulative! You can have your own opinions about how you view fantasies or anything else for that matter but that doesn't mean you had to be rather nasty about sharing that in the way you have. 

 

I wouldn't say this "Honesty" is going to make any difference either @howard. It really only serves to hurt more and if anything play more into NLLs difficulties. I don't know if you are frustrated with the thread having continued in the way it has or not but this was completely uncalled for. We can all disagree but there's a way to do that and have discourse that isn't just downright hurtful or disrespectful.

I think that all this therapy, forum advice, online sympathy is all part of NLL cycle of thought, which includes fantasising and confessing. And it will just continue.

I also think that sometimes very few people need some straight honesty.

But all the soft talking, saying you understand, letting people shift responsibility(incl: to OCD), people not trying to change, people ignoring all the advice> indicates that it is only they that can change this.

But a psychiatrist will tell him the truth.

 

[howard]

4 hours ago, snowbear said:

@howard you are entitled to your opinion and I'm glad that this boundary method works for you. However, it isn''t part of standard CBT and in this instance it is unhelpful and confusing at best.

Boundaries just related to the fantasies. That's common sense.

 

 

[Nolightleft]

A phycologist has worked with me many times,your patronising,I have spent all my life dealing with this illness,if you haven't walked In those shoes,be kind and don't look down unless your offering your hand to pull u up

 

 

[howard]

2 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

A phycologist has worked with me many times,your patronising,I have spent all my life dealing with this illness,if you haven't walked In those shoes,be kind and don't look down unless your offering your hand to pull u up

 

 

And what I'm saying is; all the therapy, forum advice, online sympathy doesn't seem to have helped. You seem to get some temporary relief but then you just revert to the same cycle.

So what can YOU do; to stop thinking about or remembering these fantasies, because if you can stop that you no longer have any need to confess.

But I think it's really down to YOU making some positive decisions, and being determined to stick to them.

(I don't need to try to present myself in a certain way. Some people like to present themselves as 'sympathetic', or as 'charmers', or as 'knowledgeable about OCD', and that's their choice, I just read what people say).

 

[bluegas]

Howard I do actually think your trying to come from a good place but you just have it  all wrong  it has nothing to do with boundaries  it doesn’t have anything to do with right or wrong ocd is lying to him and telling him he deserves to feel guilty about something!  Every time a fly lands on me I squat the little ****** ! I dunno but knowing my luck one day  ocd will convince me I’m a mass murderer because of it ! But it ain’t nothing to do with boundaries! Through out this whole thread you have just not understood  and I’m not sure how to get you to understand!!  Im not a big fan of cbt erp but if nll was to do erp I would imagine they would encourage him to fantasise especially as it’s a healthy part of most people life’s but basically it’s not the fantasy it’s his reaction to them !! 

[Nolightleft]

Thankyou bluglas,I wish I could say it like u,you've been nothing but a rock.

 

[Caramoole]

3 hours ago, howard said:

So what can YOU do; to stop thinking about or remembering these fantasies, because if you can stop that you no longer have any need to confess.

You have a right to hold your own opinion but when it's as clueless as it appears, don't be surprised when it's challenged.  

[Lynz]

It's a perfectly normal and healthy behaviour to fantasise, Howard. Most people do it. I do it a lot tbh. NLL's problem is his OCD which is telling him that fantasies are wrong, and that is what needs to be challenged - the OCD.

[Nolightleft]

Thankyou lynz,I worry that the content of my fantasies and who they are about make me a bad person, unfortunately Howard's boundary theory has damaged but of course it works for him,the confessions have caused so much harm but I still have the need to confess more,and they are about people we barley know or rarely see,so they would be out of the boundaries restrictions but I still feel bad for them,just wish it wasn't part of human nature.

Symz I don't think I was addicted to fantasizing,I just did it ,didn't feel addicted to do it

[Caramoole]

58 minutes ago, Nolightleft said:

Thankyou lynz,I worry that the content of my fantasies and who they are about make me a bad person, unfortunately Howard's boundary theory has damaged but of course it works for him,the confessions have caused so much harm but I still have the need to confess more,and they are about people we barley know or rarely see,so they would be out of the boundaries restrictions but I still feel bad for them,just wish it wasn't part of human nature.

Symz I don't think I was addicted to fantasizing,I just did it ,didn't feel addicted to do it

Back on track NLL....don't let Howard's theories de-rail you and get your brain back into obsessing about whether one should have fantasies or not.  Back to the plan

[Nolightleft]

I suppose it's because of the grey area ocd latches on as in some people believe it's wrong, Christians for instance believe adultery starts in the mind and others who see it as normal human nature,so it puts me in the middle,I used to dismiss but now because of emotions and guilt 5hink it's wrong